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Confidence and where to buy it :(

Fattack

Likes to eat
S: 15st0lb C: 11st7lb G: 8st8lb BMI: 31.4 Loss: 3st7lb(23.33%)
#1
Hello everybody

I'm having some problems with being confident :( I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm trying really hard to be confident, but my insecurities are still really prevalent. I know I'm not 14 stone anymore, but I still feel like I am, I've gained a bit of weight since I came of Cambridge (I'm going back on track on Sunday as I'm seeing a friend I've not seen in 8 months tomorrow) and am nearly at 11stone and I lost my job too.

I'm feeling really low, and I'm becoming quite paranoid about my boyfriend leaving me (he lives abroad, I'm hoping to move out there soon). We met through the internet, and I worry that I'm not as pretty as he'd hoped, and I'm just behaving like a paranoid idiot, and then we fight. I don't want to be like this, my boyfriend is a wonderful person, he knows I'm insecure and tries to reassure me, but I just can't find the confidence from anywhere.

I don't have the best self-esteem - I was bullied constantly at school, when I was at uni I met a boy who cheated on me throughout our 1 year relationship and eventually dumped me for somebody within 2 weeks of meeting her (I was clueless about his constant cheating too) and my parents are always telling me how I'm not good enough. My mother's words to me were "If you dont' look amazing, you'll move to live with him and he'll break up with you eventually." I mean, it's hard to build confidence with somebody like that on your case ><

I know if I go back on Cambridge my confidence will start to come back, and when I get a new job too. But I was wondering if any ladies had any tips on some books I could read or anything :/ Or just general words of wisdom!
 
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sleepybird

wants a pony
S: 10st0lb C: 9st3lb G: 8st8lb BMI: 24.4 Loss: 0st11lb(7.86%)
#2
Hey sweet, the only thing I can say is what you already know...being paranoid and upset will not make for a good relationship/happiness. I know its hard but try to project your loveliness and damn fineness and if you do it often enough, you will believe it too. I can't promise any tricks for making sure your BF stays with you (men..law unto themselves!) but you make sure he is aware what a lucky boy he is to have you and again, believe in yourself. Good luck! xxx
 

Fattack

Likes to eat
S: 15st0lb C: 11st7lb G: 8st8lb BMI: 31.4 Loss: 3st7lb(23.33%)
#3
Thanks dear, I'm not looking for tips to make him stay with me at all, I just know that if I keep acting insecure, it will irritate him a lot and drive him away a bit :x So i'm trying to be more confident, but there's also changing his perception of me - when we met I was confident, then I've gone through a bad patch and am insecure again, and now I need to change his opinion of me back to "she's confident and adjusted" which is hard to do ><
 

Toots

Gold Member
#4
On the positive side, you are confident enough to have a boyfriend which means letting your barriers down to let him in!!!

That's something in itself and worth patting yourself on the back for

xx
 

suepat10

I am one of the 63336
S: 20st3lb C: 20st3lb G: 12st7lb BMI: 44.3 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#5
Hi

Just seen this.

I don't have any great words of advice as my confidence goes up and down like a yo-yo, but I hope you can see yourself as the wonderful person you are - no matter what you weigh or is going on in your life xx
 

kerryberry

Silver Member
S: 17st11lb C: 17st9lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 39.9 Loss: 0st2lb(0.8%)
#6
I understand where your coming from, I have been with my hubby for 15 years and 10 of those married, I spent years feeling not good enough for him and thinking he didn't find me attractive. What ended up happening was we would row and I would say I wasn't good enough for him I was to fat for him to love and after a while he said enough is enough I love you for you fat or thin but I am sick of you pushing it back on me, they are your issues and you need to sort them out I don't care if your fat but stop going on about it or do something about it. Before he would always reasure me everything would be ok and this time the tough love worked, and I did something about it. I used to use the fat thing as an excuse to why I had issues the weight thing did have a lot to do with it but there was deeper issues from my parents that I didn't deal with either.

So have a word with yourself maybe buy a self help book or just write down your feelings it always helps me. I made a choice to stop the sillyness and save my relationship and ok those feelings creep back once in a while but I soon push them back by taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, I also think about what would have happened if I had lost him because I couldn't get past it.
 

Fattack

Likes to eat
S: 15st0lb C: 11st7lb G: 8st8lb BMI: 31.4 Loss: 3st7lb(23.33%)
#7
Thank you for your replies ladies. Reality has hit home a bit this week, and I know that if I don't start to love myself, he won't love me!

Back on Cambridge, feeling good :D
 

Mini

Administrator
Staff member
S: 18st2lb C: 15st13lb G: 11st2lb Loss: 2st3lb(12.2%)
#8
The confidence you feel today is something you can nurture within yourself and it will grow the more you practice it.

Good book to read is What Do you Say After You Say Hello by Dr. Eric Berne. I highly recommend it for it helped me to understand a lot more about family dynamics and I feel you will find it very interesting like I did :)


In What Do You Say After You Say Hello, Berne approaches scripts chronologically. He shows how parental programming will lay the basis for the script in the "plastic years" of childhood and how adolescent rebellion may lead to an "anti-script." Berne then goes on to analyze the scripts of many familiar fairy tales, such as Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood.
Berne then goes on to introduce what he calls the script-breakers. A script-breaker is Berne's remedy to parental programming. With these tools, one is able to break out of a script entirely and change your destiny. Lastly, Berne presents objectively and fairly some objections and criticisms to script theory.
What Do You Say After You Say Hello by Eric Berne
 

kerryberry

Silver Member
S: 17st11lb C: 17st9lb G: 12st0lb BMI: 39.9 Loss: 0st2lb(0.8%)
#9
Thank you for your replies ladies. Reality has hit home a bit this week, and I know that if I don't start to love myself, he won't love me!

Back on Cambridge, feeling good :D


Its all part of the journey as they say I have found out some much about myself while I have been losing weight.

So well done on getting back on track x
 


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