Confused after speaking to GP...

[AmandaJayne]

It is two weeks since I went to see my GP to ask to go back on anti-depressants. A five minute appointment turned into half an hour!

She asked searching questions and I answered as best I could as I was crying. One question she asked was about childhood memories and I couldn't answer. "I probably had a good childhood, but I don't remember really." She thought it was odd that I couldn't remember.

This has come up before, at LL meetings. I just don't want to discuss or remember the past. What is the point?

I am beginning to realise that the answer to my absolute belief that I am worthless does probably does lie there, but not because of any particular bad 'thing' that has happened. Rather, it is probably that I am genetically warped in some way and couldn't handle being criticised or whatever. There, that is my biggest fear. That I am what I am (and I can't bear it) and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I am rambling a bit, but feel that I need to get this written down...

Oh heavens, have got to go... son has just come back because he has forgotton something for school. I'll have to give him a lift to school or he'll be late!

 

[chunkychicken]

AmandaJayne,

I am not expert but I don't think there has to be a particular event in your childhood to cause feelings of worthlessness. It can just be a drip, drip, drip of small instances in your youth when you are most impressionable. You have to remember that the majority of our core beliefs are already formed by the age of 7.

I know for me that I was always the tallest child (even of the boys in our class) right up until the end of primary school, and this meant that I was head and shoulders above all of the girls in my peer group. Although I trained (swimming competitively) several times a week and didn't have a pick of fat on me anywhere, this meant that I was singled out and isolated as "fat" somewhat at that age. I also adopted my fathers perfectionist streak and this meant that anything less than 100% for any mark made me feel inadequate. Particularly when I would report my 95% mark to my father and he would joke with me saying things like "what happened to the other 5%?" - I knew he was joking but somewhere deep inside I would feel wounded by that, and a failure.

I was also quite shy as a child and this was compounded by by elder sister being very extrovert. I would be reminded to be more like my sister regularly, this in addition to the 7 year age gap seemed only to fuel my belief that she was great, and I was awkward and backward and wrong.

However, in general I would have to say that I had a very positive childhood, with plenty of parental attention and love. This however, did not change the fact that I have grown up to be very hypercritical of myself, with a strong deep rooted belief that I will always be inferior to the greater majority of people I meet everyday. I can never remember a time where I honestly loved myself and I think this contributed to me putting on such a large amount of weight and stoically doing nothing to resolve it. In effect, I have hidden behind my fat security blanket for 10+ years of my life, blaming my self hatred and inability to fit in on my weight - it was a convenient and constant scapegoat which allowed me to never take responsibility for my life whenever it got to uncomfortable. The terrible thing is that even though I have now lost over 7 stone, I still have days where I would rather hide away from the world because I feel incapable/inadequate, there was no magic wand and the dissapointment can be crushing. I am still me - and I worry that "me" is not good enough.

I doubt this helps much but I am just trying to show how "little" things that happen often in your childhood can do as much damage sometimes as a particularly bad incident.

Take care of yourself AmandaJayne, I have to say that from my experience of you on this forum, you are far from the kind of person who seems inadequate, I have read all your diaries and your replies to posts with awe. I have been jealous of your ability to stick to the programme. (in fact myself and my sister regularly say to each other "I wish I could do RtM like AmandaJayne" - I printed your diary off for her to read) - your confidence in the bedroom, your delicious sounding recipes, your verve for life - everything that I have read as an outsider has portrayed you as a confident, sexy and intelligent person with remarkable self awareness.

Sometimes it helps to see yourself through others eyes ?
Chin up
Love Laura
xx

 

[AmandaJayne]

Thanks for such a considered reply, Laura.

"...Sometimes it helps to see yourself through others eyes ?..."

Yes, you're absolutely right, but I don't know how others see me and I am too afraid to ask! Even if they were complimentary, I would find it hard to believe, well certainly at the moment (I would probably do a lot of 'discounting').

I am aware that this mood will eventually pass and that I will be on the up again, so I'm holding on to that thought.

"This too will pass."

Thanks again...
AmandaJayne