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Daughter!!Advice Pls

midwife1311

Full Member
Hi
Sorry for this heavy post first thing on a Sunday , lol

My sister who has been married for 10 years and had three kids has just announce that she gay and divorcing her OH and has moved her girlfriend in!!

My Daughter (20) announced yest that she too is gay and that her Dad(my ex) Brother, Auntie , Cousins all know and that I am pretty much the last to find out:cry:We get on really well after a very sticky patch around the time that me & her Dad split up. My sis told her that I would be cool with it. We have been through a lot of the usual teenage prob(dope smoking,coming home steaming drunk etc) and I never became judgmental , just handled it from a safety aspect etc)

I am devastated to think that she had to hide it from me and that she didn't feel that she could tell me . As a parent thats so hard to hear. I told her that I love her unconditionally and that I am devastated that she feels she couldnt tell me.
I told her that I supected it and she told me that if so , I should have asked her outright to make it easier for her!!! Am not sure whether she would have taken kindly to that. I don't get involved in my kids personal lives unless they approach me with a problem as I dont wanna appear nosey!!

I feel that I can't win really.

I don't know what to do now.............

Any advice would be helpful

Thanks Guys

:sigh:
 
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kingleds

Gold Member
Blimey. I think she's being incredibly selfish -it's not your responsibility to ask about her personal life, in fact most kids would hate it. I don't blame you for being upset that she didn't feel alright about telling you, but I think it says more about her than you,or your ability as a parent. I would just say to her that you don't understand what all the fuss is about - it doesn't matter to you who she loves, it's not important - not in a 'you're not important' way, if you get me?
 

foodjunkie10

Silver Member
It must be awful to be the last to know but I'm sure your daughter did it this way because she was nervous of what your reaction would be.
I'm sure she hasn't done it (left you to be the last to know) just to annoy you and by telling others first she was probably just testing the water to see what the reaction would be.
I think that all you can do for her now is support her she must be feeling very confused at the minute and is probably also worried that you are upset that she hasn't turned out how you want her to be.
Good luck with the next few weeks, but I'm sure you'll both look back and wonder what all the worry was about x
 

midwife1311

Full Member
Thanks Kingleds

Am glad that I am not the only one who feels that she has been selfish!! I have spoken to friends but it's good to be able to have an objective view too.
I feel that she may be "punishing" me as I was the one who initiated the split from my ex and she was very close to him!!

Am gonna let the dust settle for a few days.............

This parenting lark is incredibly difficult and you only find out how you are doing when you "do it wrong!!"

Thanks again:D
 

midwife1311

Full Member
It must be awful to be the last to know but I'm sure your daughter did it this way because she was nervous of what your reaction would be.
I'm sure she hasn't done it (left you to be the last to know) just to annoy you and by telling others first she was probably just testing the water to see what the reaction would be.
I think that all you can do for her now is support her she must be feeling very confused at the minute and is probably also worried that you are upset that she hasn't turned out how you want her to be.
Good luck with the next few weeks, but I'm sure you'll both look back and wonder what all the worry was about x

Thanks foodjunkie

Am gonna let the dust settle for a few days!

I have told he that I love her and support her
unconditionally but I have also told her that I feel upset that she didn't feel that she could tell me:cry:
She always comes to me for help/support with other stuff and told me that she didn't want to cause a rift between us as we have had some very rocky patches in the past!

She told me by txt yesterday then refused to answer her phone until 22.00 last night so that didn't help either!

Thanks again xx
 

MadameLaMinx

Gold Member
Theres several ways you can look at this - yes, it could be a controlled form of her "punishing" you - OR, she might not trust you at the moment, as you said, you initiated the split from your ex, who she was close to. So in her eyes, you might not be the one she feels she can trust, because she trusted you to keep the family together and you didnt. Thats not to say shes gone about things the right way here, but I dont think shes necessarily a "villain" - just that she maybe wasnt sure whether your feelings towards her would change when you knew so she put off telling you.

Whatever the reason, I really wouldnt (although its hard not to) take it personally. This is about her and the way she feels about things, and you have had some rough parts to your relationship which have probably left you not as close as you used to be. Thats all perfectly normal and part of growing up and becoming independent. Ok, some stuff can be rougher than the odd teenage tantrum, but no two teenagers are alike in how they go about moving to adulthood and developing, and because she harbors you some resentment, then its likely that you end up the focus of any angst she is feeling, directly OR indirectly.

Dont give her the satisfaction of letting her know how upset you are. Put the fact that shes delayed telling you behind you, and dont dwell on the details of the delay. Focus on the fact that she HAS told you, and deal with how you feel about that. If it doesnt bother you one way or the other, then great, just show her that you are pleased for her.

This really isnt about you, its about her, and given that your sister is going through a similar thing, your daughter maybe felt that now was as good a time as any to drop her news into the equation.

When someone breaks news like that, they expect it to just be accepted and taken on board. Usually when they do, they have had plenty of time to get used to the idea themselves first, and are comfortable with it, and assume that everyone else should be the same. However, for you, you may need time to digest this news, get your head round it, if it was entirely unexpected, and come to terms with it yourself.
(*Note to self -writing epic length posts usually end up with the points you are making being answered before you actually hit send!*)
 

midwife1311

Full Member
Theres several ways you can look at this - yes, it could be a controlled form of her "punishing" you - OR, she might not trust you at the moment, as you said, you initiated the split from your ex, who she was close to. So in her eyes, you might not be the one she feels she can trust, because she trusted you to keep the family together and you didnt. Thats not to say shes gone about things the right way here, but I dont think shes necessarily a "villain" - just that she maybe wasnt sure whether your feelings towards her would change when you knew so she put off telling you.

Whatever the reason, I really wouldnt (although its hard not to) take it personally. This is about her and the way she feels about things, and you have had some rough parts to your relationship which have probably left you not as close as you used to be. Thats all perfectly normal and part of growing up and becoming independent. Ok, some stuff can be rougher than the odd teenage tantrum, but no two teenagers are alike in how they go about moving to adulthood and developing, and because she harbors you some resentment, then its likely that you end up the focus of any angst she is feeling, directly OR indirectly.

Dont give her the satisfaction of letting her know how upset you are. Put the fact that shes delayed telling you behind you, and dont dwell on the details of the delay. Focus on the fact that she HAS told you, and deal with how you feel about that. If it doesnt bother you one way or the other, then great, just show her that you are pleased for her.

This really isnt about you, its about her, and given that your sister is going through a similar thing, your daughter maybe felt that now was as good a time as any to drop her news into the equation.

When someone breaks news like that, they expect it to just be accepted and taken on board. Usually when they do, they have had plenty of time to get used to the idea themselves first, and are comfortable with it, and assume that everyone else should be the same. However, for you, you may need time to digest this news, get your head round it, if it was entirely unexpected, and come to terms with it yourself.
(*Note to self -writing epic length posts usually end up with the points you are making being answered before you actually hit send!*)

Thanks MLM for your reply, your post make me cry!

I suppose it's the guilt that will always feel about splitting up the family..........and as a consequence of that my Daughter prob doesn't trust me which is prob true:cry: but oh so hard to realise.
I had a terrible relationship with my own , very abusive Mother and had hoped to change that pattern with my own kids so have always tried to be non-judgmental listener.

God , I hate being grown up sometimes..............x
 

tallsarah

Silver Member
I am with MadamLaMinx, your daughter is probably confused about the split, who she is angry with, and although 20 she is still not a mature adult, especially when it comes to her relationship with Mum, cos Mum is the mature one and she is the child. She needs time to work it all out, and all you can do is carry on being there for her and let her work it all out.
 

Shirleen

Gold Member
My Dort is 20 and accuses me if not caring because I'm laid back or too controlling if I have a go!

I don't think she doesn't trust you, I think you are the person she most wants approval from and any form of rejection from you would have been devastating.

However I also feel that she's pushing you for reactions. Tell her that it's her life she can choose to live it, but equally you aren't going to feel guilty for not asking. Tell her you know she had her own reasons for not telling you first and that's fine, as you realise big news like this is often easier done in pieces and with people you are sure if their reactions!

Oh and of course she's selfish...she's 20!!!
 
I think she was probably scared to tell you. If the subject hadn't come up before, how was she to know how you would react?

It must be really hard for her to tell people - finding the right time, thinking of the right thing to say, worrying about their reactions. If she has got it wrong, it is hardly surprising.

Try putting yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you were her, how would you have gone about telling people? Surely you can see that none of this can be easy.
 

Emma07825

Full Member
I can be very hard sometimes to open up and speak to the people you love the most!! Don't worry, spend lots of time with her and just chat, be together and I'm sure all will sort out in time x
 

MadameLaMinx

Gold Member
Thanks MLM for your reply, your post make me cry!

I suppose it's the guilt that will always feel about splitting up the family..........and as a consequence of that my Daughter prob doesn't trust me which is prob true:cry: but oh so hard to realise.
I had a terrible relationship with my own , very abusive Mother and had hoped to change that pattern with my own kids so have always tried to be non-judgmental listener.

God , I hate being grown up sometimes..............x

I am so sorry if my post upset you, that was never my intention. Obviously we have no idea of what led you to break up your relationship, but you should feel no guilt about it, because it was obviously what was right for you, and whilst your daughter may have been unsettled by it, she would have been equally unsettled by having two unhappy parents in her life, and as she matures she will come to understand that life is not always a bed of roses, and that parents are fallible human beings and not the idols they start out as.

It really doesnt take much for a parent to fall from their pedestal, and whilst it is hard when it happens, it NEEDS to happen for the child to get a realistic view of what parenting is truly about. As an example, when I was about 7, I had a "boy"friend, who (incidentally was a terribly sloppy kisser) was completely smitten with me and who turned up one day to play with one of those plastic rings from those machines in supermarkets that in those days used to be a chicken that dropped eggs out of the hole when you put your money in. Anyhoo, long story short, he had brought this ring coz he wanted to ask me to marry him. Yes, I know, bit young to be making such long term plans, but I digress...

Anyway, I was all super excited by this idea and went rushing off to tell my mum. She laughed at me. (In hindsight, understandably, but thats not something you consider when you are 7 and have VERY IMPORTANT NEWS to impart.) I was crushed, and I swore from that point onwards I would never tell her anything ever again. And even now, at 38, I find it very very hard to be able to be open and honest about my feelings, not just with her, but with anyone, because I just dont trust them not to laugh at me.

Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it was the point where I actually woke up and realised that my "mum the hero" could actually be a bit of a cowbag and was in fact not the picture of perfection I had been imagining that she was.

So what I am trying to say is, dont beat yourself up about this.

You are clearly doing your best to buck the trend from your own experiences (and l empathise with you about the needing to be different from the way you were parented yourself, I am much the same), but no matter how hard you try, you, nor I, will ever be the perfect parent, we will still make our own mistakes, which our kids will learn from and go off and make their own. Its human nature, its normal, and we cant help it. If we never made mistakes, we would never learn anything. You and your daughter will be just fine, as she matures, just be consistently YOU and all will be well.
 

midwife1311

Full Member
My Dort is 20 and accuses me if not caring because I'm laid back or too controlling if I have a go!

I don't think she doesn't trust you, I think you are the person she most wants approval from and any form of rejection from you would have been devastating.

However I also feel that she's pushing you for reactions. Tell her that it's her life she can choose to live it, but equally you aren't going to feel guilty for not asking. Tell her you know she had her own reasons for not telling you first and that's fine, as you realise big news like this is often easier done in pieces and with people you are sure if their reactions!

Oh and of course she's selfish...she's 20!!!

Lol - we can't win sometimes are parents can we??
 

midwife1311

Full Member
Thanks everyone for your replies, it was good to get other perspectives.

MLM- I know that it wasn't your intention to upset me, it was prob just because you hit the nail on the head (and a raw nerve too).

We have chattednowand understand each others reasons for addressing the situation as it was at the time.

Thanks again:553:
 




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