Dear diary... onwards and downwards :o)

Discussion in 'CD Weight Loss Diaries' started by redhead66, 6 September 2010 Social URL.

  1. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Lost(%):
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    Diet:
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    Almost exactly 4 years after losing over 4 stones on CD here I am again, having put all the weight back on... and more besides :sigh:

    I've had all the comments from my family and so-called friends that they knew I couldn't maintain the loss when it came off so quickly (about 4 months total), and how I'm 'stupid' to consider doing CD again. My regain has nothing to do with how I lost the weight and everything to do with my arrogance that I knew better and didn't need to go up through the plans to learn how to maintain my weight. It's been a hard lesson to learn, but learn it I have.

    After a false start last week, tomorrow is day 1 of the rest of my life. I'm not under any illusions that being slim again will miraculously give me a problem free life, but it will remove the issues that are caused by my weight. I've been thinking about the reasons why I want to lose weight...


    • To get back the confidence I had before I put weight on, both in my personal and professional lives. I’m intelligent, and I’m told that I’m very good at what I do, so why do I let people talk down to me and put me down?
    • To ease my PCOS symptoms
    • To ease the constant pain I’m in from degeneration of the discs in my back, and reduce the amount of medication needed to allow me to lug all this extra weight around
    • To feel more secure with my partner. I know he loves me but I can’t help sometimes feeling that he somehow “settled” for me. He once made a passing comment that he only once has dated a woman who turned heads when she walked into the room… and no, he wasn’t talking about me! To him it was a throwaway comment, maybe thoughtless, but not meant to hurt me, and I doubt he’d even remember saying it. It’s eaten away at me for 3 years because I want to be the woman who walks into the room and turns heads, and to feel his pride at being with me
    • To have the confidence to change career and do something more fulfilling. My passion is cooking and I have a dream of starting my own weight management/nutrition consultancy and creating the sort of class I’ve never been able to find. I’ve taken nutrition and cookery courses, but how can I set up a business telling other people what to eat when it’s clear I can’t control my own weight?
    • To wear a wetsuit and go diving with manatee on our holiday in Florida
    • To be able to walk into any shop and know that I’ll be able to walk out with something more than a handbag or a lipstick
    • To spend less on clothes because I’ll be able to wear all the gorgeous clothes I already have but can no longer fit into
    • To accept invitations to go out and not spend a week panicking about what to wear, and then spending the whole night miserable and comparing myself unfavourably to all the other women there... or worse still, to NOT accept even though I'd really love to go
    • To have acquaintances make nice comments about my clothes rather than my jewellery or hair
    • To enrol in the burlesque dance classes I long to take
    • Sorry it’s probably TMI… to improve my sex life! My OH tells me how much he fancies me, but my confidence has plummeted since I gained the weight

    I have my packs and spare blender ready to take to work tomorrow... never again will I make the mistake of mixing a hot drink in the shaker... I was picking lumps of vanilla from my hair for hours after the explosion :D

    And so the countdown to day 1 begins. I'm feeling excited, apprehensive and a little bit emotional, but I know I can and will do it


     
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  3. Fat-Boy-Slimmin

    Fat-Boy-Slimmin On a mission

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    What a great way to start your diary. I can tell you have put a lot of thought and effort in to making sure you succeed this time. Good on you for realising the reasons for putting the weight back on last time and not letting others put you off this time around.

    The only thing missing from your list is that when you reach your goal, hopefully you won't be quite so hard on yourself. ;)

    I wish you the best and look forward to seeing you around. :)
     
  4. Tessieg1

    Tessieg1 Silver Member

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    Hiya, fellow Redhead
    Well done for starting again. I can tell you're very determined to do this, so good luck. Quite a few of your reasons struck a cord in me too.
    Good luck on your weightloss journey, and I look forward to following your diary. :)
     
  5. Spolly

    Spolly Full Member

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    Hey Redhead!!!!

    Welcome back to CD!!! :welcome:
    I like all the points you have made as to why you want to loose the weight, and I can definitely relate to most of them. I wish you all the luck with your journey, and look forward to seeing you around. :)
    Good luck hun. xxxx
     
  6. Toria

    Toria Member

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    Hi Redhead,

    Reading your first post struck a definite chord with me, so many things you mentioned are the same here. I smiled at the comment about others complimenting your hair or jewellery...so many times people tell me I'm wearing a really nice necklace (and I don't think my taste in jewellery is that great!!).

    I'm just embarking on this journey as well...I'm almost at the end of my first week and I'm so pleased I've taken the first steps to do this at long last.

    Good luck and I'm sure you'll do brilliantly :D

    Toria xxx
     
  7. cazzabella78

    cazzabella78 staying positive

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    hiya redhead, just wanted to say you've done it once before and you can do it again, keep your chin up and keep going, remember your doing it for you! im starting the CD next week for the first time so i'll probably "see you around" the forums :) good luck xx
     
  8. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    0st7.5lb(2.73%)
    Diet:
    Low carb
    Hello everyone,

    Thank you for all your messages of support, it's good to know there's somewhere to turn when the going gets tough.

    Day 1 has been pretty good so far. Breakfast was a couple of capuccinos made with vanilla powder, lunch was a strawberry tetra, and I think dinner will be leek and potato soup. I'm looking forward to trying it because it's new since last time I did CD. I'm glad to see that the cheese and broccoli soup as gone, IMHO it was the stuff nightmares are made of LOL!

    Well I knew it would happen, I've had my first disparaging comment at work today. i was in the kitchen making my capuccino when one of my colleagues, a failed Lighterlifer who still has a big weight problem of her own, took great delight in loudly proclaiming that that there's absolutely no point in my returning to CD because "look what happened last time", and that I was "miserable" when I'd got down to target. I'm not going to let the negative comments get me down. My true friends are pleased that I'm tackling my weight problem, and as for the rest... well they just don't matter in the scheme of things :D

    I'm trying to plan ahead for the weekend as my OH is offshore for another 10 days. Normally when he's away I bring my friends round for girly evenings with lots of wine and food, and when he's home we'll either go out or ask friends round for a meal. I've explained to them all that, for the first few weeks at least, I'll be quite antisocial.

    That gives me the problem of how else to fill my time. I saw an article in a paper last week about creating an inspirational mood board. Basically, you take a message board and fill it with a collage of images, quotes etc that either inspire you or make you feel happy. So on Saturday morning I'm off to get my board and start creating my own mood board. I've got a few thoughts on what I want to include:-

    1. A pic of Monica Bellucci - she's older than I am, absolutely gorgeous in a voluptuous and womanly way, and best of all she's proof that over 40 doesn't mean fat, frumpy and over the hill, but without resorting to artificial means

    2. A manatee. I have a bit of an obsession with manatee, probably because we have a close similarity in body shape :sigh: My inspiration is that come the new year, I'll be in Florida, and be confident enough to don a wetsuit and dive with the manatee... so long as I keep to plan

    3. A photo of me from when I was at target first time. It's not so much because I'm slim on it, it's because I look so happy and I want to remember that feeling as I get to goal this time. OK, it also gives me the opportunity to take a Stanley knife to my ex because he's also in the pic, and he has no place on my feelgood mood board ;)

    4. A bottle of my favourite perfume, because that's what my OH has promised me as my reward for losing a stone

    5. An image of the phoenix tattoo I intend to have on my back when I get to goal. I will be the phoenix rising from the ashes, or in this case leaving behind my old body

    I'm sure there will be many more things to add as I start to look around. I'd be interested to know what you'd add to a mood board if you were creating your own?

    Ah well, in the end I've settled for a hot choc mint instead :D

    Vicki x
     
  9. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.5lb(2.73%)
    Diet:
    Low carb
    The start of day 2... which is a day further than I've managed to get on my last couple of restarts :eek:

    I guess I don't feel too bad. I woke up not hungry, but with that faint niggly headache that I know will dog me through the first few days. I'd also forgotten that there's no such thing as a lie in on CD due to the water consumption... it's better than an alarm clock at getting me out of bed ;)

    So, today's question - to weigh or not to weigh? First time round, I weighed myself every couple of days, naughty I know, but the scales going down, or even just not going up, spurred me on. This time I'm in 2 minds about whether to weigh myself. I keep eyeing the scales (yes, I'm also the one who squishes Christmas pressies to see what they are), but can I hold off until my mini weigh-in on Saturday? My first full weigh-in is next Wed and it seems an awful long way off

    Have a good day x

     
  10. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    well done to get to day 2 .. the hard part is nearly over and ketosis is in sight ..:) It is hard but once you get back into it , the routine takes over and the time flies :)
    as for weighing .. i admit to be a twice daily weigher ( morning and bed) .. i always have done when on a TFR diet .. I find that the scales going down fast really keeps me motivated , and even if they done move or go up a little .. it spurs me on to stick to it and make them move .. so for me weighing is a good thing , but this is very individual , some people get demotivated if the scales dont move and are more likely to give up .. so really your decision , everyone is so different .

    You certainly have lots of reasons to loose the weight ..and i am sure that looking at your list will keep you going ... you can do this :)
     
  11. Toria

    Toria Member

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    Hiya,

    Glad to hear you're getting on ok. Good for you for not letting negative comments get you down - I wonder if your failed LL colleague is secretly jealous that you're getting on with it and staying determined rather than admitting defeat.

    I too have suddenly found myself with extra time that (in my case) used to be filled with food and wine...interesting idea about the mood board - I'll have a ponder on that one :D.

    I've had to banish my scales to my parents' house so that I can't weigh myself. I know I'd probably end up weighing myself every hour if I could and I'm the sort that gets very fed up if I see a gain. Now I've just got to try to work on cutting back on those little drop-in visits to see how they are!!! ;)

    Have a great day, you are doing fab!

    Toria xxx
     
  12. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Goal Weight:
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    Lost(%):
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    Diet:
    Low carb
    Sorry to moan, but I have to let off some steam before I explode... or hit the wine :(

    My OH rang earlier to check how our mutt is because I had her to the vets tonight (she's fine, it was only her booster, but he panics!). I happened to mention that I'd bought her a cooked chicken as she's usually not very well afterwards, and he laughed about me sharing it with her. I'd not told him that I'm on CD, I'm not hiding it from him but it hadn't come up in conversation. So I told him that I'm on day 2 and doing well.

    His reaction has really surprised me. He immediately said that he hopes I'm not going to lose too much weight. When I asked why, he said because slim women intimidate him :eek: WTF sort of a comment is that??? I said, OK, let me get this straight, you don't want me to be slim, happy and healthy because I'll intimidate you?

    He very quickly backtracked once he realised he'd stuck his size 12 firmly in his mouth, trying to say that he thinks I'll look better with some curves.

    I'm absolutely seething now though because it's reinforcing my belief that he's only with me because there's no challenge with me :mad:

    Oh well, rant over!


     
  13. Tessieg1

    Tessieg1 Silver Member

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    Diet:
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    Hiya, you're doing really well so far. I'm sure your OH will come round as soon as he sees that you're serious and how happy you'll be once you reach your goal weight. My hubby is the same. He keeps telling me that I shouldn't get too thin because he doesn't like the thought of sleeping next to "a bag of bones" !! I've just turned a deaf ear to that, as I'm losing weight for myself, not him. Remember that - you are losing weight for yourself. If he doesn't like it - tough! ;)
    Have a good evening.
     
  14. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    wow men really do know how to put a foor in it ..... I will be honest my OH is more aware of other men now I am slimmer , he is a little more 'worried ' now when I go out and even started going to the gym when I became lighter than him !!!
    I must admit though .. I can see their point a little .. I think I may be a little the same if I started dating a normal bloke and the next minute he turned into brad pitt with loads of women looking ... it would take some getting used to !!!
     
  15. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Diet:
    Low carb
    Well, what a week it's been - good and bad, but I've made it this far, although not blip free :sigh:

    I was still a tad annoyed with my OH on Thursday, though what Determinator said did put his reaction a bit more into perspective, especially as his work takes him round the world for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. His ex used him being away as an excuse to start an affair, which devastated him, so I suppose it's only natural that he gets uptight if he thinks that I'll be more attractive to other men and he'll not be here with me. That said, it doesn't take away from what he said, and it will be discussed when he gets home next time ;)

    Speaking of which, he rang on Thursday to say that he'd be coming home on Friday afternoon. I'm used to being on my own and can be pretty self-sufficient, but after 4 weeks apart it's good to have him back... and if it's earlier than expected then that's even better. I shopped for his fave foods on my way from work, gave the house a final tidy, and waited for his call on Friday morning to let me know when to pick him up from the airport. The only call I got was to tell me that they were fogged in and he couldn't make it off the rig... and the next flight he can get is next Friday :(

    I know it's stupid, but my colleague took me out for a drink after work to cheer me up, and we ended up having dinner out. My intention was only to have some sparkling water (easy to stick to because I was driving), but she decided to order food and the next thing I knew, I'd ordered as well... and not just chicken salad :sign0007: I ate my dinner, but didn't enjoy it at all, because with every mouthful I was thinking why have I been so stupid and sabotaged myself? I wasn't happy and had had a bad day, but breaking my diet was just dding to my unhappiness. It's brought home to me that I have to learn how to cope with being unhappy without resorting to food.

    One good thing is that I didn't come home and carry on munching my way through the fridge, despite all the yummy stuff in there for my OH's return. When I got in all I had was some water, a chat with my OH and then a long bath and bed. This morning I got up, made my coffee with vanilla powder to whiten it, and then sorted the fridge out as I drank it. Wherever I could, I cooked the meals I'd planned for this weekend, froze them and anything else that I could, and the rest I packed up and gave away to my family.

    I'd arranged to stop by at my CDC's this morning for a quick chat and WI, although my official WI day is Wed. When I told her about my hiccup yesterday, she said that I should focus on the positive things - I didn't use the blip as an excuse for a complete blow-out and that I got back on track this morning, rather than beating myself up about it happening in the first place. I see her point, but I still feel so disappointed with myself that I can't even do a full week without failing and that I've knocked myself out of ketosis. On the plus side, her scales showed I'm 5lb lighter than Wed :D

    Today has been 100%, but I'm feeling really hungry now... my own fault I know :sigh: I think it's time for a hot bath and then a choc mint and early night.

    Hope everybody else is having a good weekend xx
     
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  16. 16to10

    16to10 Now Maintaining :)

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    I really enjoyed reading your entries. I decided to only tell my close family that I am doing the diet because I just know some people will come out with negative comments. Forget about the negative people, and occasional blips, and just keep going. You will reach your goal in no time. :)
     
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  17. Aaleigha

    Aaleigha Gold Member

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    I typed a very long reply and lost it all

    so a recap
    I wanted you to focus on all the positives of the week so far
    you started the plan
    you have replaced 19/20 (?) meals
    you didnt not continue to eat
    you went to a supermarket without wanting to eat

    etc

    thank you so much for the idea of a mood board - something I will certainly be doing

    I started saturday (so official on day two)



    H xxx
     
  18. Toria

    Toria Member

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    I think your CDC is absolutely right - focus on the positives and forget the negatives. You could've said 'sod it', trashed the diet and spent the whole weekend eating all of the food that you'd bought - but you didn't and that should be applauded :clap:

    It sounds like you're on track too for a great weigh-in result on Wednesday too - well done :D

    Toria xxx
     
  19. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Thanks everybody for your support and helping me to get everything back in perspective :)

    Just a quick post to say that I hopped on the scales this morning (bad I know, but too hard to resist after Friday) and I'm now officially in the 17's, if only by 2lb. I'm so happy, it's a long time since I've seen the scales go down to the next stone rather than up :D

    Hope you're all having a good day too xx
     
  20. Aaleigha

    Aaleigha Gold Member

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    Well done that will keep you going
    losing weight fast on a vlcd its great to see the scales moving down so motivating and just goes to show that our bodies can cope with little blips :):)
     
  21. redhead66

    redhead66 This will be my year

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    Today has been a strange sort of a day, but in a good way I hope. I've done a lot of thinking - about why I put weight on, how I intend to lose it... and how I'm going to keep it off once I'm at target again.

    It's really hit home to me today just how much I rely on food to fill my time - not just eating, but planning, shopping, preparing and cooking as well. I always say to my OH that cooking is my relaxation, but until now I've never realised how much of my life revolves around it. If I'm happy I cook; if I'm stressed I cook; if I want to show my love for somebody I cook. Hmmm, I think there's a theme in here somewhere :hmm:

    I can trace this back to my very happy childhood. My mum was a fantastic cook, and some of my happiest memories are of us in the kitchen, baking or making Sunday lunch, just the two of us enjoying each other's company... and of course, there were some very tasty results :D

    When my OH is away, I've always gone out of my way to make something "special" for myself if I'm alone, or to invite friends over for a meal. There's the obvious comfort eating, but also a little bit of ego-stroking going on... my friends love to come over to eat and are always very complimentary about my cooking, which feeds my ego as well as my face :ashamed0005:

    I know my true friends won't think any less of me for not feeding them up and I've decided that I need to break this emotional reliance on food once and for all, so today has been just me and my packs. It's
    been quite a wrench to let go of my crutch and I've felt a little lost at times, but I've survived, and feel stronger and more contented for knowing that I've taken the first step in separating my emotional needs from physical hunger.

    Enough navel gazing, time for bed.

    Sleep well xx
     
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