Do we really get over the bad times

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by KD, 14 June 2007 Social URL.

  1. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    I ummed and ahhhed about posting this, but I really do need to get it out of my system.

    A few days ago, a member questioned whether she could post something personal. She was concerned that it could upset other members.

    At the time, I couldn’t think what could possibly upset us and I’m sure it would be fine…and said so. So the story was told.

    On reading it, I was shocked to notice that it was very similar to something that happened to me many years ago. A quick rush to the loo to throw up and was a wreck for the rest of the day.

    I didn’t want to say anything at the time, for a number of reasons. I didn’t want her to feel in the slightest bit guilty for posting, nor did I want any attention drawn away from her at this time.

    What shocked me the most was how extreme my reaction was. It was so long ago, and I really thought I had come to terms with it all and laid it to rest. In those days, counselling wasn’t really ever considered. Blame was apportioned to the woman, so I buried it deep inside and told very few people.

    Strangely, I have mentioned this time in my life on another forum, without any problem. Perhaps because it was coming from me, I was prepared. This time it was a bolt out of the blue, and it hit straight in between the eyes:eek:

    My mother and father were very much in love. When he died very suddenly, my mother was left with 3 young teens. I was almost embarrassed at how heroic she was. How she held her head high and got on with it.

    Years later, her second husband died. She also loved him, but not as intensely as my father. She completely went to pieces. She called for my father. It was as if she grieved for him all over again and properly this time;)

    It was right that this poster felt she could relate her story, but it did make me wonder about whether we ever truly get over things? It’s a bit like the chickweed in my garden. I think I’ve won the battle. Nothing is showing, there are black sheets under the earth covering up any residual seeds or roots, yet every now and again…up it pops.:rolleyes:

    I always thought this sad period in my life strengthened me; made me more resilient and empathetic, but I wonder. Who would I have been had this and other things had not happened? If I haven’t really come to terms with it myself, could it be that the strength I can appear to show in other areas of my life are all fake…all a big act?

    Would I be happier with my life? I do think that I really learnt to appreciate the good times, having experienced the bad, so maybe I would be less mixed up, but unable to appreciate it.:confused:

    Anyway, as I say…been mulling over this the last few days. Just had to get this out of my system so I can move on once again.

    Meanwhile. Dentist due in 2 hours. Have to have another 2 teeth out. Getting more and more nervous each time this happens, and it’s really bad timing on this occasion. Send some positive vibes that I don’t come out black and blue like before.
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  3. Karen

    Karen Serial Foodie!

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    what a powerful post karion. Ive been thru cognitive therapy for some things ive been thru and while it was amazing and helpful and changed so so much for me in a positive way...i still dont think im "over" everything. I think it does shape the person u become but thats not always a bad thing.

    Ive always wondered... if i didnt have these uglier things to grieve and worry about...would i find other things to worry about and end up with the same stresses but in regards to much more shallow things? is it just in my personality to mourn over things?

    then i always wonder how fake i am. I know i put a mask on helps me cope. I know i make light of the things that wound me. would i be a better (and more sane) person if i just blurted out every single trouble and deep thought?

    i like to think that if situation A hadnt happened then fate would have made a situation B that would have balanced out/compensated and given the same result. maybe a bit too "final destination" but it helps me to feel comforted in a strange way. that i was always going to turn out to be "me" with all my faults and twisted ways...along with the good lol.

    i dunno if this helps but it demonstrates that we all go thru this. what complex creatures we are :) anyways...reflection can be good for the soul...or so i tell myself lol

    KD likes this.
  4. sonkie

    sonkie Gold Member

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    I know what you mean, though not read the post you are talking about....I dont think.

    I put on an act really, everyday being cheery and happy, when inside I am really crying, my mum died 8 yrs ago at the age of 51. My youngest was 1 yr old, I had been in and out of hospital myself with gallstones, pancreatitis etc.....whilst also helping care for my mum.
    It was a lot to take on and was exhausting at the time, but I would give anything to have that time back again. Just so I can spend time with her and to tell her how much I love her.

    I try so hard to hide my real feelings, but they have to come out sometime. I think the way you said about the weed in the garden is so damn mum was the only person I could tell my true feelings....and now she has gone I miss her so much it bloody hurts.
    KD likes this.
  5. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Hi Karion,

    I hope your visit to the dentist goes well. Sending you some positive vibes...:vibes::vibes::vibes:

    Coming to terms does not mean forgetting.

    It means getting on with your life and you have done that.

    But that is not to say that something can not trigger and release an old memory. This we have no control over.

    Just as when we smell mixed spice, or roast turkey, our memory can be triggered and we think of Christmas.

    Some memories like Christmas dinner can make us smile or for some it can cause pain. It is what is associated with the memory, is what we feel and for women we can instantly put ourselves back in the very minute as it were now.

    What you do now is in your control if you feel it is causing prolonged emotional pain I would think it is best to discuss it with a counsellor for their could be something more that is behind it as denial is also a protection and perhaps your mind feels your in a safe place now to look at it.

    If this is the case it could be worth teasing it out with a professional.

    My mother always said that what does not kill us makes us stronger and I find some truth in this.

    Having the ability and the awareness to appreciate the good times, is something that can escape so many, so I think your ahead on this.:)

    Some things we can get over and I think some things we can't but learn to live with. But like gardening old memories can and do come back and beg for our attention and if you feel you can cope with looking at them, it is a chance for healing to take place.

    Love Mini xxx
  6. tashy100

    tashy100 Member

    Interesting post. I think that time is a healer and that tragic events naturally get put to the back of our minds to allow us to continue with living life.

    However - I dont think these things ever go away or that we ever get over them - we just learn to live with them and relevant triggers have the potential to bring them back to the front of our minds for a while.

    Also - these things - even tragic dreadful things - mould us into the people that we are today. We would think, feel and act differently had certain things not happened/different events occured.

    We would be us - just a different version.

    Just my opinions!!
    KD likes this.
  7. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    Ahhh...still got my teeth. He decided it wasn't a good idea to take them out with my important week coming up (knowing my history of problems with teeth extractions.):eek:

    Funny though. Before I went, I popped into see a family with a Downs child. I help out there a lot as the mother gets very stressed. The downs girl wanted to go to the shops with me and I explained that I had to go to the dentist. She said "Awww...tell him not to hurt you, and if he does....ring me on my mobile and I'll come out to be there for you. I will always be there for you". She gave me a hug. Made me smile as she doesn't have a mobile :D

    I do have my new bottom set of false teeth in now. Feels weird.

    Exactly! Instead of cracking up there over that post, I would have possibly been cracking up because my shoes were slightly the wrong shade for my outfit....or that I had too many waves in my hair :D

    So it's not a bad thing. Just not keeping that mask on all the time? There again, if we do keep that mask on, can it become a part of us.

    I know that in the 'olden days', the mask was used much more than it is now. We are encouraged to express our opinions, to feel the pain and embrace it. I do wonder how useful this is.

    I have a feeling that if I did have the opportunity to have counselling, and if I did let it all flow (which is highly likely...and I'd hate myself for it forever more), that all I might have gained would be a deeper understanding, and a chance for a little 'me' time during the session.

    Just not convinced that I need to understand it. Just need get on with it.

    I do too.
    I don't think so (IMO) Depends on the company I reckon;) Sometimes I need to talk, and people miss out on the cry for help, because I can't ask for help at all, so I disguise it. Then sometimes I'm hurt that it wasn't picked up...then I beat myself up for hiding it when I should have been more forthright.

    It was an excellent post! Very helpful. Made me feel less freakish:) Thank you!
  8. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    I'm so glad I did this thread. Some great replies here

    That's sad. I guess we have to most of the time. A miserable person is not good to be around...and that's not ideal if everyone is avoiding you:rolleyes:

    I do try to see the other side of the cheery Sonya. You have been through so much, and yet you are so supportive on here (so I guess you are too in your offline world). You're a rare breed Sonya, but I hope you take time out for have a good moan without having to cover it up with a smile.

    She knows you loved her. We humans usually pick up on these things;)

    My mum died a number of years ago. Our relationship was a bit bizarre, but I wish she was her to enjoy the company of my boys. She would have been so proud of them.

    Yes. Not always for the good though...but reflecting our personalities, making us unique and that's good.

    I sometimes wish there was a different version of me :D
  9. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Gold Member

    I haven't got anything really wise to say - just wanted to agree with Mins that sometimes something happens (like the aroma thingy) that triggers a shocking reaction in me and takes me back right to a particular moment.

    Sometimes I dream I'm still in a situation and can't get out - that's the whole day ruined as I can't always shake it away.

    I agree that some things you can never get over (or should never get over??) but you do learn to 'get on with it' and enjoy happy moments a million times more than you would have done otherwise.

    KD likes this.
  10. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Gold Member

    Oh and I'm glad about your teeth, KD - that's a good thing!!

  11. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    Indeed. I often look back over the years. In fact, I enjoy it. Even the bad parts can raise a smile.
    And this is what happened. I think I was so confused at the extremeness of my reaction. Vomitting:confused: Shaking:confused: Reliving each second. Not like me at all.

    I have no anger about my past. No hatred, or bitterness. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, or even depressed about it, so I couldn't understand why I reacted in that way.:confused:

    I don't think it is Mini. I don't feel emotional pain on that level any more. Well....very rarely. I do get depressed, but that's the biopolar....more of a chemical thing. Never a good reason for it.

    whenever I look back on that time in my life, I usually raise my eyes to the ceiling and think blimey and smile I got through it. was the reaction to the post that surprised me. Wasn't like me at all. Confused me for a moment there

    Very true :)
  12. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    It's odd isn't it.

    That's what I hope I do. I'm a happy soul really :D
    You bet! still have to have them out, but at a time better suited. After my wedding anniversary hopefully, cos I want to really enjoy my meal with DH.

    These bottom teef are lovely, and they'll be even more appreciated when I learn to speak with them in:D
  13. stacey

    stacey i love minimins me :)

    hey hun

    i jus wanted to say am so sorry for bringing all this back up for u, i honestly am :(

  14. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    Oh no! Don't be sorry Stacey:eek: It was good that it happened really. At least I was in the comfort of my own home with nobody around to embarrass myself in front of:eek:

    Another chance for me to learn a little more about myself;)
  15. stacey

    stacey i love minimins me :)

    okaies hunny :)

    long as ur ok :)

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