Eating in Secret - why do we do it? And what is it REALLY about?

[KD]

Why do I need to eat it all in one go. No one else in the family is going to eat it all if I leave it in the cupboard.

Maybe because it's there...and it tastes good? It usually disolves quickly and it's easy to get through a lot in a short amount of time without feeling satisfied. Maybe

I know that I would eat what was around me as long as I liked it. On reflection, I found that this didn't just apply to the 'bad' foods. Put a bag of grapes next to me whilst I'm watching the TV, and I'll happily work my way through the whole bag. Same goes for nuts, but they take a bit more chewing and so I'm more aware of what I'm doing.

Chocolate though, can just disappear

Think I might be over simplifying things here though

 

[chunkychicken]

Totally agree with you about the chocolate Karion.
It is so easy to eat massive quantities of chocolate, because like you said, although it is high in calories and fat, it doesn't "fill you up". It eventually makes you feel sick from the spike in sugar etc - but by that point (in my pre LL binge days) I could have decimated a disgusting amount of it (god knows how many calories) and then an hour later - I would want more.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Hi everyone

I think Jo, Laura and Karion is on the money with this one; I have noticed that since being on LighterLife, my deviations from abstinence have been 85% sugar-related! And I don't even have a sweet tooth (apart from PMT). I can honestly say that the not filling you up issue was part of my motivation - I want something that isn't going to make me feel bloated. I know my stomach is A LOT smaller; I just can't pack food away in the way I used to!

My tastebuds have also changed and I am worried about my sugar cravings now. I have stopped the bars (not nut crunch) for this very reason (and strawberry/raspberry packs).

Funnily enough, like Jo, I have really avoided carbs (!) but, of course, carbs do the same thing - turn into sugar! The hit is just different! And I use the 'hit' word deliberately.

Still haven't cracked the self-approval thing but have asked an expert!

Anyone had any brainwaves overnight?

Have a good day anyone. Must get back to work!
Mrs L xxx

 

[KD]

Still haven't cracked the self-approval thing but have asked an expert!

Anyone had any brainwaves overnight?

I think the self-approval comes with a good self-esteem. So how do you raise your self esteem? I've certainly raised mine (well...more than it was before anyway), but only since I found I was looking in the wrong place for it!

That brings me to another question, but I think I'll post it in the 'Bring your Head Inside and your Body will Follow' forum, in case it gets missed by other members. Would be interested in your replies

 

[MadamDotty]

Fantastic post Mrs L - thanks for starting the thread.

I think for me my secret bingeing was down to and still is wanting approval of others, not being seen to be a weak and greedy person and I think KD has hit the nail on the head that you need to have good self-esteem to get over this. I thought I did, but not so sure now, although I don't binge anything like I used, it's a much rarer event and I can't put away anything like the amounts I used to but I still eat some things in secret, the bad things,the things as a slim CDC I shouldn't be eating and I feel guilty about doing so. I have recently bought myself a box of chocolates and hidden them in my wardrobe to eat during the day when I'm on my own and then hidden the empty box in a carrier bag before putting it outside in the bin. It's actually feels really good just to type that out, to stand up and admit it that I've done it - feels good to get it out in the open.

I've kept pretty much to my goal weight for the last year and usually within a half-stone of it, I still look slim and love being so, I'm a CDC and want to lead by example, so when I do lose the plot I feel ashamed of my lack of control, of not being a good role model and I can't even tell my DH who would never (openly) disaprove, but it's kept as a dark and shameful secret. I want to be superwoman and it's hard to accept that I'm not.

Wow - that's given me food for thought!

Heavencanwait, I'm really interested in Beyond Chocolate, just from what you said really spoke to me, I definately label food good and bad, and feel rebellious at times and want to be bad and therefore eat too much of the naughty foods. I think I'll be popping over to Amazon for a copy of that book - thanks.

 

[Maintainer]

No overnight brain waves from me.

As for low self esteem, that's definitely not me either as I so love(d) being slim and actually like(d) how I look(ed) for the first time in years.

I deliberately got rid of all my "big" clothes when I slimmed down, so as not to regain any, and that method worked perfectly. A waistband is pinching? Cut back immediately.

Now though I'm back into the having to buy larger clothes cos my skinny clothes just don't fit and that makes me very despondent. I have a wardrobe full of close fitting light coloured summer clothes which I doubt I'll be able to get into this summer. It used to be SUCH a joy standing in front of the wardrobe and having such a choice, whereas previously I had to wear "tents"...

So why sabotage? Why indeed... The "nothing tastes as good as being slim FEELS" is sooo true... so, again, WHY?

 

[MadamDotty]

No answers to the self sabotage Maintainer - why indeed? But I just wanted to say that even though I love being slim and truly loved the way I looked when I first got to goal, I still have self-esteem problems, possibly less than when I was fat, but they're still there and I don't really know how to get over that one either.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Hi Everyone

Madam Dotty - thanks for lovely feedback!

I emailed my expert friend and she was very short of time but we are going to see each other at the weekend so will have more time to discuss this issue. Anyway, here are some of her thoughts:

Slightly confused as to what you're asking me on secret eating front. I can think of a few reasons off the top of my head why women/we do it:

- Yes, approval from society/friends/family because of beliefs like 'women don't have big appetites'
- Elicit behaviour/riskiness of getting caught
- Shame if meant to be healthy/partner disapproves or nags etc
- Self-punishment and sabotage because of low self-esteem
- And, of course, comfort

I would say that a reframe to 'yes, this is my body and I respect myself enough not to over or under eat' is key. And even more key is a view to being healthy and slim rather than just slim. I think it's very common for women to think about the outside and not the inside. Are you adhering to this one?!


I think the punishment/low self-esteem one is critical and one I want to ask her more about, as well as the inside/outside stuff.

On the Development thread, we've been talking about reframing and I've just done some myself tonight. Like thought records, I am beginning to see that reframing could be another amazingly simple yet powerful tool, particularly around furtive food frenzies.

Reframing doesn't answer the 'why?' question but maybe it goes some way to address the 'how to change this behaviour' issue.

I hope to have some BIG answers on Sunday!

Take care everyone.

Mrs Lxxxxx

 

[KD]

I would say that a reframe to 'yes, this is my body and I respect myself enough not to over or under eat' is key. And even more key is a view to being healthy and slim rather than just slim. I think it's very common for women to think about the outside and not the inside.

Exactly!!

This is why I wanted to ask the question in the other room who they were losing weight for. Losing the weight for appearances sake is just to get approval from others and boost your self esteem in entirely the wrong way IMO.

Self esteem comes from within. It's not reliant on others. That will fall when the approval stops or doesn't match the effort that we have made.

Having a high self esteem means we feel we are worthy. We respect ourselves and we can act in our own best interests. That has little to do with our outward appearance.

 

[Mrs Pink]

hey Mrs L any further thoughts on this? As I think I said earlier in this thread I definitely get the feeling of "self-punishment" so I am interested to hear you say it has to do with self-esteem - I reckon mine is fine in all areas except with regard to my weight .... so how do I work that one out?

 

[Mrs Lard]

Hi Mrs Pink

Apologies for not replying to this thread sooner, even though I promised BIG answers by Sunday! Ironically, I was busy briefing my neighbour about LighterLife (for Beginners), which I have just posted.

I have lots of points to include here so will write them up in the next couple of days but self-esteem comes up!

You might want to check out my blog (The Lard Arms) because today I posted LOADS of stuff from an extremely powerful weekend I had in London last month. There may be something that resonates for you.

I promise to write the notes up and thanks for the timely reminder.

Take care! Goodnight!

Mrs L xxxxx

 

[Mrs Lard]

Sorry for the delay; I've just written up loads of stuff on Development and I thought this poem might answer, indirectly, some of the questions we have grappled with on this thread.

A POEM THAT MAY JUST STRIKE A CHORD (something we covered one week in Development)

The Journey Down the Sidewalk of Life: Psychological Self-Help


The Journey Down the Sidewalk of Life: Psychological Self-Help

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

(If you go to the website, there are more discussions about each of the chapters.)

In the meantime, I am going to get closure on eating in secret and post whatever I manage to write this week!

xxx

 

[Just Do It]

For me this is a biggy. I have been waiting to discuss this at LL as I have known all along I need to crack it.

I've done the usual, eating in the loos, quickly hiding it away etc, getting really angry and shouting etc if I get interrupted. I don't think I would attribute it to loneliness, I would seek out opportunities to eat secretly.

My last session was after my LL intro meeting. As I drove back I dreamed of what I would buy from the spa, carefully planned where I would park the car, close enough so I didn't have to wait mare than a minute of buying the stash, yet hidden enough not to be seen. I stuffed it all down, thinking about it now I feel quite sad for that greedy, messy unhappy person gobbling down pasties, crisps, biscuits, chocolate.

Last weeks counselling I was looking for clues to why I do (did) it. When she was talking about positive strokes etc I was getting a flicker of insight into my own reasons.

I have always allowed myself to be treated like a doormat - low self esteem I guess. As Cerulean said I feel like I grew up early and had little chance to develop my own spirit. I would allow others opinions and preferences to completely dominate mine. I didn't even know what mine were.

Were these secret eating episodes my way of giving myself positive strokes (AKA comfort)? Allowing me to make my own choices, exert my independence?

Now I am feeling better about myself and am standing up for myself more will I not need them in the future? I don't know.

I do appreciate this thread as it is a very major and deep rooted issue. I guess reasons may differ from person to person, but it really helps to confess and discuss them.


Claire

 

[Cerulean]

I realised quite how much of last week's binge happened in secret. To the degree that I actually hid in a secret seating area at work to have my first 'naughty' thing. I see and associate eating with rebellion and freedom still - and funnily enough I don't think that LL can do much to address that until management because food really is a no-no - a rebellion if you like - until you are officially managing and able to give it its real perspective.

During the binge I was itching to leave work so I could continue it. It will be interesting to see ow I keep these feelings in check as I return to eating.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Well it seems a long time since I started this thread and however much I have wanted to come back with some answers, I haven't managed it. I think it was avoidance AND also, I think I realised what the reason was. My other thread - brilliantly added to by Karion Dieting and others - talks about self-sabotage and eating in secret is definitely linked (because, let's face it, if you are eating by yourself and not in an open way, you aren't being kind to yourself).

I don't know much about addiction - I'm beginning to understand what it's really about and I think the eating in secret is all about being an addict.

Here's the thread on self-sabotage:

http://www.minimins.com/lighter-life-forum/20859-self-sabotage-help.html

I'll report back when I feel I understand more about addictive behaviour but I do think that lies at the heart of this subject. If we weren't addicted, we wouldn't behave in this way.

In the meantime, look at what Karion and the others have to say. It's eye opening stuff.

Take care.

Mrs Lxxxx

 

[KD]

So nice to see this. I've been going through a bit of paranoia wondering if I'm spewing out way too much info about the head stuff in one go, when, in fact, my 'journey' has been long and in steps of different sizes.

Think I'm scaring people away but...you know...it's kind of exciting when you find your answers. Even if it did take me waaay too long.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Dearest Karion

You are so NOT scaring people off - quite the opposite. I just needed to retreat (ha! - if only I had the time - LOL) and focus. I see myself going back to these threads time and time again when I am back in my house and not worrying about tiles, radiators, damp proof courses, deliveries, non deliveries, blah blah blah.

I also meant to PM you to make contact but life got in the way! LOL!

I just had a big lightbulb moment (wrote about it on my blog) and it's all related.

This is quality material, Karion, and we have you to thank for it!! If you hadn't had such a long journey, you wouldn't be as wise!

Mrs Lxxxx

 

[KD]

Yee, bless ya.

I've just looked at your blog. Lots of good thinking there, especially about why you are eating. This is so important IMO. After all, how can you stop if you don't know why you are starting?

I used to think that I would have one or two reasons for eating. I knew that eating was a ritual I performed when it was time to relax. I also thought I ate because I liked eating

I was surprised to find that I had many reasons. I was also forgetting to acknowledge what the food was doing for me. Did it fulfil the need? Do I feel much better for it? Could I have got the same satisfaction elsewhere?

I started a mindful approach on food. I should have written it down, but I couldn't be bothered, so just thought it through.

When I wanted to eat, I still often let myself, but I acknowledged why I was doing it. Often I ate because it was time to eat. What if I left it 30 minutes? How did I feel at that moment? I also tried to acknowledge how I was feeling when I was eating. Is this fitting the bill? Am I really enjoying this? Is this what I really want at the moment?

Then I would do another when I finished.

Okay, it didn't always stop me eating immediately, but I was gaining knowledge about what was driving me and that was useful for the next step.

It was important for me not to think that I couldn't eat at this point. Not at the beginning anyway. That would have panicked me. I just needed to know why I was doing it.

I can't say I always did this mindful analysing over food. It was really just when I thought about it, but usually at least once a day.

It really didn't take a moment.

Lots of great stuff in your blog. Particularly like this
According to Wasnik, "We believe we have all the free will in the world. We believe we overeat if the food is good or if we're really hungry. In reality, those are two of the last things that determine how much we eat.What really influences our eating are visibility and convenience".

How true is that!

 

[littlemiss]

Binge eating

Hi every one, I just found this forum today, and I think its great! Im very shy and would never talk about weight issues with anyone. There is so much I want to say but dont know where to start.

Firstly the binge eating issue..i have been doing it for around 3yrs, for some reason I am now unable to eat in public, or infront of anyone apart from my partner and daughter, (this is really embarrasing) but I eat my lunch in the toilets in work, and if I have to eat in a cafe I cant put a morsel in my mouth if I think someone is watching, also I cant stand watching other people eat, it repulses me. At home I stash my munchies away in my bedroom and go to bed early and stuff my face untill I feel sick, then collapse into bed.

I am now taking a stand with the whole being overweight thing, I love winter as i can wrap up to my hearts content with no one batting an eyelid, but in summer I still wrap up, I always wear a long jacket and I never leave house without it, I cant even walk down the street in just trousers and a top, at home even my jammies cover my full body, I feel so jealous of people who are a normal weight, alot of people dont realise what size/weight I am because i seem to cover it so well, and when I tell them my real weight most are quite shocked, this makes me keep on with the covering up, because I think to myself that it must be working, as in...i dont want people to know how heavy I really am. I think when I binge I am thinking to myself that no one knows i am so overweight, but during the day i get sooo depressed.

Sorry for going on so much people, i never know how much is too much to write, this is the first time i've done this, and it actually feels quite good.

Food and my weight is basically taking over my life, i think about it all the time, I think about food all the time, what am I having next..but what if im still hungry after, i drive myself insane with it all, but the more I think about it the bigger the binges. I know my problems are all in my mind, I was very underweight as a child and i used to be sick after every meal, i hated food in my tummy, and remember getting forced to eat, I think in some way i got used to it and enjoyed it, was overweight untill 13/14 then through hanging around with pals etc I was down to a size 8, up untill i had my daughter 4yrs ago. I used to get quite alot of attention, now I am 14.3 not as big as some people I know, but im double what I used to be. Everything seems like too much work, I get put off when no results.

Can anyone relate to any of this?

Hope i've not bored you all to tears.

Mxxxxxxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi M

Can relate to that indeed.

Much of that I could have written myself.

Congratulations on choosing LL, the diet that will truly change your life. I know all about not wanting to talk about weight/diets out loud with ANYONE. used to make me cringe if someone else brought it up as I immediately felt (imagined) I was under scrutiny....I would go to great lengths to avoid it and to try and make myself invisible, etc.

Now, I tell people I am close to how much I weighted when I started (281 - just broke the 200s this week! ) I tell them why I was fat. I tell them what I did. There is NO MORE SHAME....and that - well - that is a big key to it all ifyou ask me.....there is nothing wrong with us - we just need to relearn a few things, etc.

I have been on LL now since January 8, and I think I have lost 5+ stone (am on holiday now nad have not weighed for a month - have stayed on diet though! ) It is the best and easiest diet I have ever done, the results are immediate and consistant IF you follow the plan 100%, which with the right mindset is not difficult to do at all. But you have to REALLLLLLLLLLY want it.

You will lose your stones in no time at all. I have a total of 10 to lose. More then halfway is a great thing, and a milestone I have never ever managed and had all but given up on.

Good luck on your start, and keep us posted - and don't feel like you can waffle on too much on here - lord knows I have bent a few ears on more then one occassion!!!

x