10st10lbs
Gold Member
Helloooooo...
I have six lovely three hour long exams coming up and I just can't get into the right mind-frame to work. I am determined to do well but every day starts with 'I'll do some work later' and ends with 'I'll do some work tomorrow'. I get about half an hour done before something or other happens - I'm working at home at the moment due to my youngest brother being unwell and me being the extra helping hand.
I feel quite mean saying this but I really resent my brother, sister and mum at the moment, all for different reasons.
My brother is in his final year of high school, so doing his GCSEs. He is very lax about everything and really doesn't put the effort in. Consequently, he doesn't get the grades, and so has two tutors and a very strict revision timetable. He doesn't stick to this AT ALL and spends his revision time on Facebook or 'revising Design', which basically means he sits there and draws sketches that are in no way relevant to his work. But the point is, he gets that revision time and we all have to stay out of his way. I feel so angry towards him because he gets that time and doesn't use it properly.
My sister, I resent for being an early bird and acting like a don, there is no other word to describe it. She is seven years older than me, has done the same course that I'm doing at uni (I'm in second year at the moment) and has been working since the day after she graduated. She insists on waking us all up at 8am like a rooster, has no idea what happens in the house while she is out, and comes home only to start telling us all off for silly things that are beyond our control. Every day, without fail, she will cause an argument and manage to convince whoever is there that me and my brother are to blame. It's quite boring now, and eight days out of ten, I will just get up and leave the room, but I'm not the kind of person who can let things go easily.
I feel quite angry at my mum too. Recently, with my brother being ill, he has been a lot more clingy than normal. He's 10, has Down's Syndrome. It isn't very apparent, but he does have it, and needs someone to keep an eye on him pretty much all the time. Since our dad passed away in November, he has been ill with viruses and bugs a good five times, and if we used to be sick, it'd be dad holding our hair back and making sure we got into bed, keeping an eye on our food (strictly dry toast and water) etc etc... I honestly don't think my mum knows how to handle my brother being unwell, as she gets angry and loses her temper very quickly, which results in my brother getting scared, crying more, vomiting more, needing the toilet more, etc. For this reason, I have been spending more time with my brother, sitting with him while he sleeps, making sure he is getting enough fluids, all the normal stuff. I'm not saying my mum isn't spending time with him, she's just spending a lot less than I would expect her to, so I don't feel comfortable going to the library or locking myself in my room to work.
I barely get any work done during the day and am a lot better at working at night, I always have been. The problem is though, that what with looking after my brother all day and running the house (I cook 80% of the meals), plus my sister demanding I wake up at 8am because I 'waste half the day sleeping' (I haven't slept past 9:30am in a long time), I have no energy to work at night. I can't concentrate, I can't put things together, I can't remember formulae and methods, I can't do a decent amount of revision before I start to feel tired, distracted, distraught even.
My mind is telling me to be selfish for a month, just until my exams are over, but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate inconveniencing others, I just feel as though if I'm not at home, mum will have to split her time between five different things and it's not easy to do. She wants me to take my brother to the library so he can revise aswell, but I honestly don't think he deserves the time that he is given. It isn't for me to say, but it's how I feel. If I were to take him to the library, the only things on his mind would be how long before his phone battery dies and he can't listen to his music, whether or not he can find a free unlocked wi-fi connection, what time he'll get to have lunch, where he can go for lunch, you get my drift. How do I say that to everyone at home without sounding selfish? I'm not saying that my exams are more important than his, because he needs to pass just as much as I do, but when I did my GCSEs, I had no tutor, I had no strict revision timetable, hell I don't even think I revised more than a week on each subject, but I still walked out with 2 A*s, 4 As, 4 Bs, 1 C and even a D in an AS Level subject.
The main thing on my mind is that we have all lost someone. I know exactly what my brothers and sisters are going through right now, it's so horrible that life goes on so innocently after someone leaves you and it's really hard to deal with, I know full well that I'm not coping right now. I would like to be able to throw myself into my books by way of distraction and pass this year with 70%+ in all my subjects just to make my dad proud, but I really really really can't do it. I know there is no such word as can't, and I know I can do anything if I put my mind to it, but I have to find my mind first.
I have just realised I have written a LOT and also that I will be rudely awakened in a very small number of hours, so I better get my head down either back into Corporate Finance or my pillow... I don't know what I expect to come of sharing my feelings on here, maybe I'll feel better in the morning or maybe someone will say something that will make me think twice.
xxx
I have six lovely three hour long exams coming up and I just can't get into the right mind-frame to work. I am determined to do well but every day starts with 'I'll do some work later' and ends with 'I'll do some work tomorrow'. I get about half an hour done before something or other happens - I'm working at home at the moment due to my youngest brother being unwell and me being the extra helping hand.
I feel quite mean saying this but I really resent my brother, sister and mum at the moment, all for different reasons.
My brother is in his final year of high school, so doing his GCSEs. He is very lax about everything and really doesn't put the effort in. Consequently, he doesn't get the grades, and so has two tutors and a very strict revision timetable. He doesn't stick to this AT ALL and spends his revision time on Facebook or 'revising Design', which basically means he sits there and draws sketches that are in no way relevant to his work. But the point is, he gets that revision time and we all have to stay out of his way. I feel so angry towards him because he gets that time and doesn't use it properly.
My sister, I resent for being an early bird and acting like a don, there is no other word to describe it. She is seven years older than me, has done the same course that I'm doing at uni (I'm in second year at the moment) and has been working since the day after she graduated. She insists on waking us all up at 8am like a rooster, has no idea what happens in the house while she is out, and comes home only to start telling us all off for silly things that are beyond our control. Every day, without fail, she will cause an argument and manage to convince whoever is there that me and my brother are to blame. It's quite boring now, and eight days out of ten, I will just get up and leave the room, but I'm not the kind of person who can let things go easily.
I feel quite angry at my mum too. Recently, with my brother being ill, he has been a lot more clingy than normal. He's 10, has Down's Syndrome. It isn't very apparent, but he does have it, and needs someone to keep an eye on him pretty much all the time. Since our dad passed away in November, he has been ill with viruses and bugs a good five times, and if we used to be sick, it'd be dad holding our hair back and making sure we got into bed, keeping an eye on our food (strictly dry toast and water) etc etc... I honestly don't think my mum knows how to handle my brother being unwell, as she gets angry and loses her temper very quickly, which results in my brother getting scared, crying more, vomiting more, needing the toilet more, etc. For this reason, I have been spending more time with my brother, sitting with him while he sleeps, making sure he is getting enough fluids, all the normal stuff. I'm not saying my mum isn't spending time with him, she's just spending a lot less than I would expect her to, so I don't feel comfortable going to the library or locking myself in my room to work.
I barely get any work done during the day and am a lot better at working at night, I always have been. The problem is though, that what with looking after my brother all day and running the house (I cook 80% of the meals), plus my sister demanding I wake up at 8am because I 'waste half the day sleeping' (I haven't slept past 9:30am in a long time), I have no energy to work at night. I can't concentrate, I can't put things together, I can't remember formulae and methods, I can't do a decent amount of revision before I start to feel tired, distracted, distraught even.
My mind is telling me to be selfish for a month, just until my exams are over, but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate inconveniencing others, I just feel as though if I'm not at home, mum will have to split her time between five different things and it's not easy to do. She wants me to take my brother to the library so he can revise aswell, but I honestly don't think he deserves the time that he is given. It isn't for me to say, but it's how I feel. If I were to take him to the library, the only things on his mind would be how long before his phone battery dies and he can't listen to his music, whether or not he can find a free unlocked wi-fi connection, what time he'll get to have lunch, where he can go for lunch, you get my drift. How do I say that to everyone at home without sounding selfish? I'm not saying that my exams are more important than his, because he needs to pass just as much as I do, but when I did my GCSEs, I had no tutor, I had no strict revision timetable, hell I don't even think I revised more than a week on each subject, but I still walked out with 2 A*s, 4 As, 4 Bs, 1 C and even a D in an AS Level subject.
The main thing on my mind is that we have all lost someone. I know exactly what my brothers and sisters are going through right now, it's so horrible that life goes on so innocently after someone leaves you and it's really hard to deal with, I know full well that I'm not coping right now. I would like to be able to throw myself into my books by way of distraction and pass this year with 70%+ in all my subjects just to make my dad proud, but I really really really can't do it. I know there is no such word as can't, and I know I can do anything if I put my mind to it, but I have to find my mind first.
I have just realised I have written a LOT and also that I will be rudely awakened in a very small number of hours, so I better get my head down either back into Corporate Finance or my pillow... I don't know what I expect to come of sharing my feelings on here, maybe I'll feel better in the morning or maybe someone will say something that will make me think twice.
xxx
