1. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    My family so complicated to say the least. A lot of stuff has happened over the years and its amazing that I cope the way I have done. Yesturday tho my mum dropped a bit of bombshell on me she hates my potential mother in law, and I moved away from my mum to be with my partner nearly 2 years ago. I settled well up here found a job, yeah me and partner argue sometimes but dont we all, my mum said that she wont come up here unless she has to in future because of feeling pushed into seeing the potential mother in law. Which means she has only been up here twice this year and I try and get down at least once a month, costing me a fortune in petrol, but I still do it. It really hurt me that she wouldnt put aside her feelings to come and see me and puts me in such a horrible position. So much so I ended up saying something really horrible to my bf last night and he stormed out. I said to him last night I didnt mean what I said. I just saw red, no excuse I know but it wasnt called for, and apologised this morning, I love him so much and he has to deal with mood swings all the time. It just seems everytime I start feeling good about myself or just life in general, something or someone stops that. I am just fed up of being piggy in the middle and quite frankly im at the end of my tether. What do I do?:cry:
     
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  3. Scorpiolady2710

    Scorpiolady2710 Loves smilies

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    Hi,
    Sometimes members of your family can be their own worst enemies and using emotional blackmail is more about that person's insecurities than anything else.

    I understand it hurts that your Mum has said those things to you but is she in fear of becoming second best to your Mother in law because you live closer to her? You know that's not the case...but she may just need a little reassurance from you. Make her aware she doesn't have to visit the Mother in law when she comes and aim to spend some quality time with her when she does come.

    One thing though, make it clear you are not going to get involved in her likes and dislikes. You have made a life with your boyfriend and she needs to deal with the fact her little girl has grown up and has gone to make a life of her own. You will only be treated like piggy in the middle if you put yourself there...or allow others to put you there.

    Don't beat yourself up more than you need to about being horrible to your boyfriend. You have apologised and you maybe need to explain to him how you're feeling about your Mum and how that is affecting you. Tell him you needed to get things off your chest and that you realise you didn't perhaps do it the right way. I'm sure he'll understand. After 2 years he must be kinda used to you by now! :D

    Concentrate on the positives in your life...your weight loss achievements, your new life with your boyfriend, your new home town etc etc.

    Positivity attracts positive things...negativity attracts negative things. You are in control!!! :bighug:
     
  4. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    Thank you for you kind words. Thing is im constantly reassuring her that we would go out shopping just me and her and constantly listening to her rant about how much she hates this women. I dont really understand why even tho she tell me. Thing is its difficult to talk to my bf about it as it his mum so i can understand how he would get upset therefore him resenting my mum. It all swings inroundabouts. Its definatly not for the want trying, and now that we are moving in with his parents things have gotten so much worse. She is constantly saying you do what you want to do, but I dont have to like it, what am I suppose to say to that ,and now she is going on about christmas the mother inlaw always invites her up and she never comes and just finds excuses i.e i dontl ike my christmas dinner late, i dont like the food she cooks, I get bored as we do nothing. Which is fine its her choice but then she said I would rather have Christmas on my own. What do I say to that. This year was gonna be the first year me and boyfriend have been together on christmas day (starting a tandem this year at his mums and then next year at mym mums) just kind of feels like its all ruined with her speaking to me like that when all I do is try and make her happy.
     
  5. AnnaFaraday

    AnnaFaraday ..

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    Stop trying. You can't make someone else happy if they don't want to be. She is making her choices and all you are doing by trying to persuade and reassure her is making yourself unhappy.When she rants, tell her that you are not going to listen. If she wants to spend Christmas on her own, well fine, that's her choice.
     
  6. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    maybe your right maybe i should stop trying doesnt mean I love her any less does it?
     
  7. Scorpiolady2710

    Scorpiolady2710 Loves smilies

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    It certainly doesn't mean that at all. Your Mum is an adult and she can make choices for herself. That doesn't mean to say they have to be your choices too. You are an individual and you have the right to make choices for yourself and if those choices don't fit in with your Mum's then so be it!! I think she is a bit jealous of the fact you are there as a family unit with your boyfriend and his Mum actually. however, it is not your responsibility to make your Mum happy...it's hers!!

    I agree with AnnaFaraday that you need to stop trying to think about what you need to do to please your Mum which is just making you unhappy. When she goes on about your Mother in Law just say the subject is not up for discussion....end of!

    Your Mum will get the message when she sees she can't wind you up...(I think that's what she's doing) but she needs to experience what she is missing out on by behaving that way and feel it first.

    Time is the key factor here. It may not be this Christmas but she will get the message... eventually. Nobody wants to spend Christmas on their own if they don't have to. :) As a child you fitted in with what she wanted, now you are an adult. Let her fit in with what you want.

    You and your boyfriend have a lovely Christmas together and concentrate on your own goals and aspirations and your relationship with each other.
     
  8. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    I just spoke to my nan she pretty much agreed with me about everything and said stop trying to make your mum happy and focus on your relationship with your bf. In hindsight the worst thing about all of this is that i took it out my boyfriend and i feel terrible for it I have apologised twice and I know this will sound somewhat childish but he usually texts me through the day and he hasnt so thats really playing on my I need to focus on making us happy again. He accepted the apology but it doesnt make me feel any better about what I said. A christmas present I ordered for him arrived today and I was tempted to give to him as a sorry, dunno if that would be taken in the right way or not
     
  9. Scorpiolady2710

    Scorpiolady2710 Loves smilies

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    Maybe he's just busy...don't worry he will forgive you if you explain to him that you take things out on him as he is the person closest to you.

    He may just need some space and you need to allow him that if you've hurt him. You perhaps need to share with him how this issue with your Mum is making you feel and ask what he thinks could help. At least you know your Nan is of the same mind. You never know she may mention something to your Mum.

    In the meantime stay strong. It's another journey with another destination that's all. You will reach your destination in this too. :)
     
  10. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Gold Member

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    Maybe suggest to your mum that you'll meet her halfway literally. Ie. find somewhere nice that is the same kind of distance for you both, meet up on neutral territory and have a good time together. If she brings up you b/f's mum you can say you know how she feels, but don't feel comfortable discussing it, the same way as your b/f wouldn't want to hear bad things said against her.

    I suspect she may be feeling a little envious of his mum getting to see you more than she does.

    Good luck - families are always tricky.

    x
     
  11. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Can I make what might sound like a radical suggestion?

    If your mother won't make the effort to come & see you, don't make the effort to see her. She's your mum. She supposed to act like an adult. Acting like an adult involves sometimes spending time with someone you don't like for a person you love. If she can't get that, don't bother with her.

    Sounds harsh, but if its affecting your relationship with your boyfriend its time for drastic measures.
     
  12. Starlight

    Starlight Gold Member

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    Id agree with kingleds, at the moment shes refusing to come to see you so youre making it easy for her by going down there, she knows she can dig her heels in and youll go to her.

    It might be really hard but put the ball back in her court if she refuses to make the effort to see you, leave it. I bet she'll either back down or be happy to compromise. It sounds to me like shes using her dislike as an excuse, its not like you live with your mother in law so why should it even cross your mums mind that shed tag along.

    Hope you and your bf have quite literally kissed and made up now
     
  13. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    Jealousy is a dreadful thing. It eats away at people , it corrodes their spirit, their lives. They become consumed by it. It is ugly to say the least.

    Your mother seems to be jealous of your relationship with your future MIL. It is so sad as you appear to have done everything in your power to cosset her and make her feel special to you.

    Personally I feel you can do no more, you have done it all and the people who are being hurt the most are you and your boyfriend.

    She would probably be appalled if you pointed it out to her in this way. Jealousy builds a curtain around the person, they rarely peek through the chinks and see what havoc they are causing.

    You sound a lovely, caring person who really wants to involve your mum in your life with your boyfriend and his family.

    You can do no more. It is time for her to get on with it.

    You can not blame your boyfriend for being upset. It is his mother that is under fire and it sounds as if she is being totally reasonable.

    Do not allow your future happiness to be affected.

    Kiss and make up. Tell him you adore him, that you love his family and that you are sorry your mother has caused this situation you find yourself in.

    You do come over as being a very caring daughter and you deserve better.

    enormous hugs from me. I wish I had a daughter like you xxxxxxxx

    Oh so true and sounds like my bible, The Secret !!!
     
  14. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    OP says in a later post that shes moving in with the bfs parents - so my guess is this is why the mother is being particularly difficult at the moment - she probably would have preferred it if they moved in with her, because she seems to have a few control issues and is finding it hard to let her daughter go.

    I cant add anything to the excellent advice given here, except to say that you need to make it clear, both to your boyfriend and your mother, that HE now comes first. Your life is with him now and she needs to accept that because there is a danger that she will lose you completely if she doesnt manage to come to terms with this change.

    If she doesnt, as hard as it is, her loss. I am someone who had to cut their own mother out of their life for a time, so I know how hard that can be to do, but if she wont be reasonable and compromise, sometimes it is the only answer to be able to block the damage she is causing. This may not have to be a permanent thing - once she realises that you are serious she may back down - but you do have to make sure that she knows your priorities no longer include keeping her happy.

    (((Hugs)))
     
  15. Sassia

    Sassia Silver Member

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    I'm on my phone so can't 'like' or 'thank' posts but had to say fillymum those are very wise and sensible words. Beautiful post.

    Sent from my Desire HD using MiniMins
     
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  16. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    Thank you all for your lovely words! I didnt think I was in the wrong but it nice to see peoples opinons on the outside of the situation sometimes. This forum has been so kind seen as this is proabably the second time I posted a personal issue in here now. My boyfriend has forgiven me, I did give him a present in the end anyway. I think that may have helped a little and he understands the pressure my mum was putting on me. Sometimes he has to put with so much, especially how emotional I get. Im really lucky to have him in my life.
     
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