Feeling like I've learnt nothing...

Discussion in 'Route to Management' started by Poppysparkle, 6 April 2009 Social URL.

  1. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    Well, I've been pretty controlled so far, but not sure that today's been a good one.

    I got home early from work for once and tidied round and then did a huge basket of ironing I've been meaning to do for weeks. The problem is that I can't get halfway through something and leave it, so it was 8.30pm before I'd finished ironing, and had been at it since 5pm. This meant I was tired and hungry when I'd finished and I've just made my tea - stuck to salad with raw veg, and sprinkled with garlic/chilli and light soy sauce. I decided to have smoked salmon slices, as I could do this quickly. I weighed out 200g of smoked salmon and this was all I was going to have. I then decided that my salad would be a little dry, so added some cottage cheese - of which I had a third of a pot left. I didn't weigh this, and was just going to add a little of it, but added the lot - I would assume that the max calorie content of this was 150 cals, and the salmon was about 180 cals. So, already more than I've been allowing myself - about 200 cals for my protein. I thought that I'd leave some on my plate, but it tasted delicious, so finished the lot - I also ate it all a bit quick I think, rather than taking my time and eating it slowly - although it did take me about 15 minutes to eat the plate full, I feel like I shovelled it in really.

    I'd had a vanilla shake, a Muller yoghurt at lunch time, along with my cranberry bar and a sugar free jelly. When I got home I had another jelly, and had decided that that was going to be it, along with a black coffee, but I ate another one because I'd enjoyed it so much - three jellies so far! I also made some jelly up before I did the ironing and decided to have a taste, as it looked a bit watery - I'd made from one sachet about five servings. I was just going to taste it while at the fridge, but finished the lot straight after my tea, then decided to have another ready made one because the one I'd made up wasn't very nice! That's five today plus the ramekin full I'd made.

    My decision during abstinence was to avoid Diet Coke as much as possible. When I was allowed to drink it this week, I had one Coke Zero, but didn't really like it. The next day I had a really chilled Diet Coke, which tasted better. I decided that if I was going to have some, I'd definitely limit this to one 500ml bottle a day max. Well, I've now had two today because I've just sent my son to the shop for one to have while I was eating tea! That's another decision I've made that's also broken.

    I've now decided that as I've eaten more than I planned with the jelly situation and the Diet Coke, and about 150 cals more than I planned for tea, I'm not going to have my last shake of the evening and will just have two foodpacks today instead of three, and have just had another black coffee instead.

    I know that I've not overeaten as such, but I feel out of control! I've made decisions that I planned to stick to, and my chatterbox has had me eat and drink stuff that I hadn't planned, at times I had decided not to eat it.

    I'm sorry this is so long and moany, but I want to go back to abstinence desperately - it's really important to me to keep the weight off, but then I think how am I going to do it when putting something in my mouth is more important at that present moment that I'm about to do it???
     
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  3. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    I also feel stuffed, and my stomach is making horrible noises..... Aaagh!
     
  4. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    Quite a few people have had this stage... this is especially crucial stage of controlling the "binge monster". You can see it, you have seen his effects. For now he is fairly harmless, but if he gets to the "good stuff" later on without your leash now... well. Things are going to be a little harder.
    You are definitely doing very well by writing these things down. But you have described your actions. Lets have a dig deeper and explore what feelings and emotions could have led to this. Sometimes seemingly there are none, but if we dig deeper there are always causes.
    While diet coke won't do much on it's own: it is actually making you feel more hungry; or rather the citric acid within it stirring things up in your stomach. It's a chain reaction.

    Looking at today, and how things went (I know I've definitely had these days too! On week 2 I for some reason had TWO meals instead 1?). I know you can have more than one jelly... but I always used to limit myself to one per day. .. Reason? Because by having more, you want more of everything. ... Some people like myself, have a trigger to eat from the feeling of 'fullness' and 'wellbeing'.

    Have a think about how you feel (not about today), but about the causes of such a day. Stress? Long-term goals? Subconscious sabotage? Starving yourself during the day (i.e. not purposefully - but not spacing your meals out well enough. By having more 'hunger' built up by the end of the day, we are much more likely to over-indulge.)

    Blah. I'm spewing madness here, I'm half asleep and high on these damn water flavours... I swear they can't be good for us ...
     
  5. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    Min, thanks, that's definitely helped! I've calmed down a bit, because I'd realised just before I read your reply that I'm not actually out of control (foodwise) and that it's actually pretty good that this happened really, in as you say a pretty harmless way. I am now aware of the power of my chatterbox and I think what I might do is actually write down what I have decided to eat or drink each day, first thing in the morning. They, hopefully, it's like a SMART goal and it's like a contract and I can't go against it.

    I've been on a training course today about leadership, and within that I've learnt a lot about goal setting, communication, etc, and it made me realise that I'm so dissatisfied with things at work presently. I need more of a work/life balance. Things are a bit extraordinary at work at the moment, but for the past two weeks, as I think I mentioned, I've worked 100 hours, been in from 8am until almost 8pm a good few nights, and had planned to leave at 3.30pm on Friday, but it was another 8pm finish. I was cross, because I'd not seen my ten month old from the Sunday, when we returned from our caravan break, until Saturday morning, and he spent the weekend breaking his heart crying each time I left the room. I'm cross with myself for putting him second, but I also feel I have had to work the hours I have as it's only temporary and the work is for the top brass within work.

    I'm annoyed because I feel really fed up about the whole situation, and I know that I have to learn to put my family first sometimes!! (A LOT more!). I feel guilty and do think that there is definitely some of that going on. I've come in and done the ironing, because I've spent so little time at home, that I keep sorting drawers and trying to do the chores that I've not done for weeks!

    I know that the Diet Coke isn't a good move, and I'm torn between letting myself have one a day and ensuring I stick to this, or cutting it out for a good while. Problem is I enjoy it still, and I'm starting to view it as a "treat", which I want to avoid with regard to food, because I treated myself far too much before! I also love chilled mineral water, with or without water flavouring, and had put one of them next to me to drink with tea, but that went unopened.

    I was surprised at quite how hungry I felt this evening - probably the Diet Coke had something to do with this?? I had one at lunch and then the late evening/tea time one. I also ate far too late, and need to make sure I eat at a reasonable time, no matter what I've got involved with doing.

    I am sure that I can have more than one jelly, but feeling like I need to limit it - not least because I spent £14 on jelly in Tesco at the weekend, and although I have the sachets left, I bought about 20 of the ready to eat ones and a good proportion have gone!! I've had the worry about this and how addictive I've been around the seemingly harmless jelly grumbling on since the weekend, with the fear that it's all going to come crashing down and I'm going to lose control around other things! I think I need to think about this and decide how many I'm going to allow myself each day.

    I'm glad that I've been able to reflect with the now understanding that I'm incredibly addictive and I forgot the word "choice", or instead turned this round and instead told myself I was choosing to eat the jelly, when in fact my actual choice was to definitely limit it, despite the fact that it's low cal and pretty harmless - it's what it stands for that matters more.

    God, that was a lot of waffle, but I'll continue to work this out in my head tomorrow. I've picked my food log up for the first time this evening though, so it's prompted me to record this stuff and try to work through some of it. Today doesn't actually determine the rest of RTM and I've definitely learnt a lot, which can only be good!

    If you've managed to get through this, thank you, but this was also a dialogue with myself so thank you for indulging me!
     
  6. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    Feeling like I've learnt a massive amount...

    ...and am so much more positive and thankful about what today has taught me!

    I've just filled in my food and mood diary, and written some notes. Have done five or six goals, with regard to my exercise and food this week. I'll re-read in the morning and plan what I am going to eat - not going to leave it all up in the air any more! I have to get SMART! ;-)

    Will also do this with relation to work tomorrow - determined to get a work/life balance!

    Phew! :p

    Edited to say that I've also taken my 'before' pic out of my sig - not sure why, but it was making me feel uncomfortable - it was so big and at the forefront each time I posted - it was like it was saying "that's the real you". They are still there to see in my user profile, but I can choose to look or not. Not ashamed of it mind, and proud of the hard work, but she's the old Nik and needs to fade slowly into the background for now...
     
    Last edited: 7 April 2009
  7. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Slow down Poppy!

    That's not an instruction - just an observation.
    You may burn yourself out if you continue at this pace trying to be Wonder Woman!
    I can so relate to what you are saying.
    As a result of the weight loss everything has changed. Your energy level, your self confidence, your job, you probably need or get less sleep than before, it feels as though everything is witihn your grasp.
    My suggestion would be to take a step back and look at your week just gone by
    and make a plan for next week as you are doing with the food.
    Write it down, your priorities and make a plan.
    Make time for your little one, try and plan your meals and space them out.
    Don't spend your little precious time sorting out drawers. Spend it with your family or having a relaxing bath or reading a book (NOT ABOUT WORK).
    At times like these I have my ironing picked up and returned. At £1 an item it releases my time.
    Maybe you CAN do it all - but you don't need to if you organise your time properly. Use those leadership/control skills and you will feel much calmer. It worked for me. The food routine is part of it too.Regular small meals, plenty of fruit to hand for snacking. I'm addicted to apples now!
    Sorry for the lecture. Good luck, and
    Have a nice Day! xxxx
     
  8. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi lovey
    \
    Some really good advise above.

    All I want to say is that I think what you described is something we all do at one point, when let loose back in the world of food.

    We have alot of old demons that have been subdued by abstinance. Now they have a chance. And they are going to try their best to 'get us' to do things 'their way'.

    Stop and think for a moment. You had Lots of jelly. (Which we are allowed in UNLIMITED amounts) Wht would you have had before Lighter Life? I reckon a selection of far worse things the jelly's and a bit of extra cottage cheese. :)

    I went through the same thing at the beginning of rtm. We are kind of like kids in a candy shop. And we will have little moments like this. The thing is - even "normal" people do to. What is ijportnat is that it does not become a daily habit, or a habit in general.

    If I could get on my soap box, about Diet Coke, can I just say - DON"T EVER DRINK THE STUFF AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S WORSE THEN RAT POISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Diet products make people get fat. They are also addictive and generally have no nutritional value. Diet drinks are LOADED with salt, and they wreak havic on your bones. They are about the worst thing you can incorporate into your diet. They really are.

    And you have gone all those months of abstinance without one - why bring it back now?

    I was a Diet Coke FREAK. I was more worried about giving up DIet Coke then I was food, when I started LL, and that is the truth. I was easily drinking 3-4 cans a day, more on weekends. Easily. I drank DC like water. ANd know I was addicted.

    I made the decision when I started LL that as I would break the "memory" of DC, that I would just stay off it, and I still have stuck to that - not even a sip has passed my lips. Why? Because if I have one, I'll have a dozen.

    They make you hungry! They make you crave the wrong foods!! They are full of chemicals you cannot pronounce! They ruin your bones!

    You are better of with some juice, even a small glass of regular fizzy drink. Or squash or something.

    :::::OK - I am stepping off my sopabox now:::::: :D

    I just know the stuff is poison, so if you got this far without it then its a great time to replace the habit. :)

    I think you are doing really well PS. You are writing down all your thoughts and questions.

    You are working it out. ANd there is a lot of room for error in RTM.

    I too had the very same thoughts "Did I learn ANYTHING?????" And it is hard to see clearly in the early stages, but yes - I did. And you have too.

    Hang in there love - you are OK. :)

    XX
     
  9. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    Thanks you lovely girls - I was desperate to speak to one of you last night, because I knew you'd give great advice - however, the delay meant that I worked some things out for myself, and BL has also helped with the last bit - I'm avoiding Diet Coke and sticking to the mineral water - when it's cold and sparkling it's just as good and I have the added benefit that I know it's not eating my teeth and insides!! ;-)

    I've read and re-read your points, and my own. I've stuck to my food goals so far today and looking at my planned meals, it's a lot of food, but all 'allowed' and I'm really going to enjoy it because I'm in control.

    LS - you are right - it was pure child ego, stamping feet and frustration. I was panicked, but realise that I was making a catastrophy out of things that weren't actually out of control, but I'm delighted that I managed to see some of it clearly. It's also helped taking that 'big' pic of myself out of the forefront for a while!

    SB, I am going to do what you suggest and stop tidying, etc and just spend time with the kids - they are little for such a short time. This Easter weekend couldn't come at a better time!!

    Thanks again, your are all priceless!
     
  10. SerenityValley

    SerenityValley Surgically happy.

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    Glad you feel better today. It's extremely common to feel this way. I almost wish i did - I feel the opposite. I feel quite resentful that I have to carry on taking the packs, etc. Not in a genuine, I hate LL way, but in a childish way I'ms truggling to explain (I don't never had the whole parent/child session, and therefore haven't been sold on the idea. The main reason for not being sold on it, was that my LLC completely misunderstood my christmas decision - where I decided to take myself away from the temptation and then felt a little sad for a little while that xmas day was over so soon - she kept saying it was the child voice - but actually, it was more the adult voice and the decision to break from family was done with a mature, thoughtful head).

    But anyway.

    I'm learning that we'r enot perfect and that we will have better days than others. I no longer see it as lapsing - I see it as making choices. Some of which are poor choices (e.g. my burger was a poor choice, not a lapse - I feel it's an important distinction to make because we will spend the rest of our lives making decisions and while some will be good, some will be poor, we mustn't see the poor ones in such negative terms as lapsing - for me anyway, that's when I end up in danger of going overboard).

    I find that I prefer a day to be top heavy - so I save my snack to the evening. I have a pack for breakfast a pack for lunch, nothing till dinner (though from next week I will have a piece of fruit). Then a good dinner, and a later snack of jelly. This stops me from making the mistake of an early snack, that means I still want one late on.

    it may be that a similar tactic will work for you - it may not.

    Anyway, keep up the good work!
     
  11. Poppysparkle

    Poppysparkle Silver Member

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    Thanks all. Andy, I also like to save a bit for evening, and have found I can easily get through work not eating too much! Isn't it fascinating the psychology that goes on when I just thought I was a greedy person before! I'm being kind to myself from now on!
     
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