feeling like what is the point - don't read if u on a bad day too!

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by clairabellx, 25 February 2007 Social URL.

  1. clairabellx

    clairabellx Full Member

    Hi everyone,

    I just had a hard conversation with boyf last night. He has been behind me using CD rather than a slower and easier (psychologically, socially) method of weight loss since he told me he liked skinny girls. I wanted to lose the weight for my health but also feared the aftermath (stomach rolls - you may have seen my posts about the state of my overhang as a result of 44 week preg).

    Now the aftermath is here - I said to him it (overhang) wouldn't go and I think he hoped that it would. Well, it is worse than plumped up flab because it just hangs and feels horrid, and he told me that it turned him off (I think he meant repulsed). Essentially, I think he wants me to have a tummy tuck, and so do I but I am scared of the things that go wrong. It explains why my confidence crashed through the floor in this relationship, that my girlfriends were just saying was in my head!

    I suppose I want to ask the men out there - is flab that bad? Can't you get past the odd physical flaw? I know I certainly do with him - he isn't my type at all - have I EVER even hinted at this to him? NO!

    I feel I worked SO hard to lose this weight, and going to gym to tone, and now am left a total failure. Wish I'd never bothered. Altho, at risk of throwing anyone off in their motivation, I am happy my health is better. I guess I should checked out the relationship first. Its just so hard because my 6 year old adores him too, and I thought he was a special person.

    I just feel so let down, yet I have done so well. :cry:

    But at least I don't feel like eating - I'm too sad for that, which is a first!!! :sigh:
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  3. Keeliewheeliebin

    Keeliewheeliebin biker babe!

    :hug99: Oh, honey. sounds like you are having a tough time.
    Im afraid i dont really know what to say except that if he really loved you he wouldnt see what is 'wrong' with you, but everything that is 'right and good' Hope that makes sense.
    My hubby, bless him, is no Brad Pitt, more like arm pit...but i LOVE him exactly the way he is.
    I honestly dont know what to say to help you, but dont let yourself feel down about this. he is the one with the problem, not you ...
    Take care

    Keelie xxxx
  4. wannabslim

    wannabslim Gold Member

    Awww Clairabell, hugs for you!

    Relationship troubles AND being worried about your appearance never go well together. Looking at your BMI you were never obese, just a tad overweight, so if you have felt that your boyfriend would prefer you skinnier, he is certainly a very fickle person and can't see the amazing you inside! Someone who truly loves you would say they love you however you look and if you feel happy and healthy thats the most important thing. Thats NOT a fairytale, its happened to me, and you should EXPECT that kind of support and not to be pressurised into weightloss and thinking negatively about yourself.

    Its not my place to say ditch him, or stick with it, but I think you know inside how you really feel about this relationship, and if you have a child as well, even more reason to make sure that he's the sort of person who would stand by you no matter what. Would he love you if your skin was green, you had no arms and was covered head to toe in thick hair? Obviously he would be put off but he should still love the person inside!- its like my nan with alzheimers- we all love her because we know how she used to be when she could use her personality, the fact that she doesnt know who we are, who she is, where she is, has no bladder control and cant eat doesnt affect our love and dedication to her.

    I think you are doing brilliantly and am so sorry to hear that you don't like the way you look at the moment. If you really want a tummy tuck, I would do it- I know its expensive and there are some risks, but this is true of any operation-necessary or unnecessary. But if you are doing it for him, I say steer well clear. Only you can decide if its worth it- if its going to throw you into depression or make you hate your image, it would be better to deal with it now, but if you think the only reason you are so conscious is because of your partner, then maybe if he is taken out of the equation you will find it easier to love yourself AND i'm sure find someone who loves you regardless.

    Sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you as much encouragement as poss! I've been in relationships a bit like yours and have to say at the time it was horrible, I was sad for weeks afterwards, but I learnt my lessons and eventually found someone who truly loves me.

    And remember, beauty is not skin deep.


    We're here for you hun xxc
    archantgirl and Happe like this.
  5. NooNoo1970

    NooNoo1970 Member

    Honey, I completly agreee with the above, as harsh as it sounds, if he loved 'you' then it wouldnt matter that much to him. I know over hang can be unsightly,( I have one of my own!!) but god how often are we showing it?? I had a similar conversation about my very droopy boobs the other day, and said I would love a boob lift, but at the end of the day its only ever going to be me and H2B , that are going to see me naked, he knows what I look like and loves me for it, (probably a bit more than I love myself!!)

    Honey dont feel down...you have worked so hard and dont let one or 2 nasty comments let you fall back to your old ways.........be proud of your battle scars.......they make you the woman you are!!!

    Hugs LouXX
  6. Snail

    Snail Full Member

    i agree with the above posts.

    i know this is gonna come out the wrong way but the overhang would be replaced by a big scar, how would he feel about that? i'm 11 weeks post-op from a tt and the scar goes round half the circumfrence of my body, its deep red at the moment but should fade to a silvery colour with time. neither an overhang or a scar should come between you though.

    if you have a tummy tuck make sure you're having it done for you and not for anyone else as its a big op and can be quite uncomfortable for a few weeks.

    p.s. about the who would see the overhang part, mine stopped me wearing the clothes i wanted to and feeling good about myself but now i can were them and feel a bit better (although want to lose more weight) so mission accomplished lol.
  7. debz32

    debz32 Gold Member

    Awww hunny....big hugs to you :wave_cry:

    You don't say how long you've been together...but I just wondered...why he was with you if he likes 'skinny girls' ??

    I think for him to say that you 'repulse him' is incredibly cruel...especially after you have done so well....no wonder ur feeling so low.....

    When you love someone, you love them for WHO THEY ARE..not what they look like....of course the initial physical attraction is (usually) what gets you together in the first place...but surely it moves to a different, deeper level...in fact, I often find that when I get to know people, they always seem to look 'different' than they did when we first met....cos you start to see them for who they are...does that sound corny ???

    Anyway, sorry for rambling.....but I think you and he need to have a very long chat....tell him how he has made you feel.. time to re-assess your relationship, I think :rolleyes:

    and...just for the record - YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE !! you have done so incredibly well.....and should be proud of urself....

    hope you feel better soon...

    lotsa love

  8. naomi1611

    naomi1611 Will B Slim

    Hi sorry to hear you are feeling so down. If it is your bf making you feel that way its terrible. If someone told me i repulse them:eek: then i would kick them to the kerb. I suggest getting rid of him and take ur sexy body off to a new man who will love you no matter how big you are.
  9. charmed.wishes

    charmed.wishes Full Member

    Hiya clairabellx..

    I had to write something in reply to your post, you have done so well with this diet, but I have to say that if my hubby was to ever say anything like your BF has not only would he get the wrath of me, he would also find himself minus one wife!!

    My hubby luckily for me, loves me inside and out.. would love me if I shaved my head, painted myself purple and ran up and down the road naked!
    Like you I had an almost 43week pregnancy, that left me with a nice overhang and the london underground tattoo'd on my tummy in stretch marks (I kid you not I can direct you to any station lol).. although I dont like it, and it doesnt make me feel very sexy, my hubby always manages to say the right things to me when I moan, mostly pointing out to me that I am the only person that floats his boat, stretch marks n all.

    Only you can lose the weight, but you need someone in your life that makes you feel good about yourself, no matter what.. warts n all!

    Sending you big hugs, and hope tomorrow is a better day xx
  10. andi

    andi Bye bye bellies!!!

    Hi Clairabellx

    I agree with what everyone has been saying but I think that your instinct is telling you what you dont want to face - if he was truly in love with YOU the tummy or the weight would not have made any difference. Hun I really believe that if it wasnt the overhang it would be something else - he will slowly work his way round all your weaknesses until your self esteem is on the floor and then he will probably tell you that your lack of confidence is a turn off!!

    I know that its hard especially when your little one adores him and you have invested time in him but you deserve soooo much more and your little girl deserves a happy, sane mother.

    Unfortunately I am speaking from experience, when things arent right and he is not your "one" it will never improve no matter what you do to yourself.

    Take a deep breath and do what you need to do. Its sometimes better to be alone and sane/happy than with someone tortured and insecure.


  11. Janey

    Janey Intuitive Eater

    :) :) A big hug coming your way!! :grouphugg:

    I am so impressed with your weight loss, what a fantastic achievement! You must have so much discipline and self belief. :)

    I think we should only lose weight for ourselves, not for anyone else! It's how we feel inside that matters and if we aren't happy with our bodies then we should do something about it. We should never listen to anyone else.

    Loving someone is about what is on the inside not the outside. I am a great believer in that.

    Only get a tummy tuck if it is what YOU want. I am sure you look fabulous without one!!
  12. fitz

    fitz Lovin it !!! :)

    although I do agree with what everyone has said I can also empathise with you in how you are feeling. I am wondering if now you have actually lost the weight your b'f is the one actually feeling insecure. So you have some spare skin - I do too and although my b'f did say to me the other day about the now flatness of my boobs and Ive still got 2 stone to go - my first instinct was OMG - I better get a boob job straight away - but on reflection I thought about and decided if he is with me just for the size of my boobs then hey wrong reasons. But, obviously - I do want to look pleasing to him as well as other men and also feel confident in myself. But I can understand how you are feeling, but if you really repulsed him would he have stayed all this time.? I think maybe - and I could be wrong - that he is feeling just a little insecure - you have done something for yourself - you look obviously attractive and happy in yourself now and this makes him feel threatened. It is human nature to attack when we feel threatened and maybe this is how he his dealing with his insecurities at having this sexy new g/f which just might be attractive to another man !? I could be way off - but it is worth thinking about. You have to go with your gut instinct as only you know what is right for you - but all I can say is that whatever you decide - do it for you and no-body else.
    Good Luck luvvie - keep smiling.
  13. DEvans

    DEvans Full Member

    A big hug for you hun.

    What ur bf said was horribly. I agree with the rest of the bpard on this one.
    Keep that head high and don't let anyone tell you're not beautiful. Your weight loss is astounding so stick with it.

  14. polishrose

    polishrose Gold Member

    Agree with everyone else here.It's what's inside that matters.I'm lucky that my bf is slim and sexy but even if he wasn't I would still love him.He loves me even though I'm currently over 8 stone overweight and have saggy skin and a huge overhang due to having 4 children-3 of which went overdue(the longest by 3 weeks) and the first was a c-section.I am covered in strechmarks and cellulite.My boobs sag.I hate my body but it doesn't turn him off at all.I would say you need to seriously think about your relationship as your bf sounds very shallow to me.We're all here for you.{{{hugs}}}
  15. clairabellx

    clairabellx Full Member

    Thank you!

    Bless u all 4 kind words. I am feeling more positive tonight (despite him dumping me, or was it me him, earlier this eve!).

    I believe that I am not doing the diet just for him - I have done it in spite of him in many ways - he even moaned that we couldn't date properly because we couldn't go out for dinner - well, why compare me to 7 stone ex-girlfriend then!!

    But I am happier for knowing that I won't be sleeping with a man who doesn't find me attractive - I also thought attraction was more than the sum of my body parts (maybe a bit of my brain and personality thrown in too), but alas not for some men (Sorry to men to whom this don't apply!). And you know what I haven't dared spell out yet - I wasn't that physically attracted to him either! I found a sweetness and purity in his soul, but somehow this changed and his endearing honesty has come to harm me with his comments.

    I am taking the advice of several of you fine ladies, and hauling my ass back onto the dating circuit - what doesn't kill me.... just as soon as I have licked my wounds...

    I think I am a bit relieved really, because it was disheartening working so hard but getting little feedback from him. Yesterday he told me he'd like me to be 8stone (I mean my BMI would be too low and I'd be anorexic to get to that weight with my build).

    There were other problems going on there too so I am better off out of it - I realise from your posts that some men are able to love their ladies for what is inside - I just haven't found one like that yet. It gives me hope though.

    I want to thank each of you for your kindness - you are lovely ladies:

    Polishrose - thank you
    DEvans - thankyou
    Fitz- thank you
    Jani - thank you
    Andi - thank you
    CharmedWishes - thank you
    Naomi1611 - thank you
    Debz32 - thank you
    Snail - thank you
    noonoo - thank you
    Keeliewheeliebin - thank you
  16. fitz

    fitz Lovin it !!! :)

    HEY you
    you are welcome.;)
    Good luck to you and well done for being strong and doing what you felt was right for you. Heres looking to the future and lots of fun :D :D
    You go girl !
  17. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

    Didnt feel I could comment on this thread earlier (a bit too close to home, in a different kind of way), but I have to say, I am glad you have binned him....we all deserve to be around people who make us feel good, and to be alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel like crap for not being wat they want.

    you are right to be doing this for you & hopefully the rest of your journey will be fab, and you can focus on you now rather than bf. There will be someone better out there for you....and when you find him, send his brother over to me!!
  18. archantgirl

    archantgirl Full Member

    Hiya Girl!

    I hope you kecked his ass out! He did not deserve you at all. Women who are skinny attracts men, but after that attraction wears off, then the men find out there is no personality there! So chin up, and remember we are all here for you, and who needs a man anyway! I think you are so better off out of it. Good on you for being strong. Lots of love and hugs x x x x x x x x x x
  19. debz32

    debz32 Gold Member

    Hey hun - glad he's history........:)

    It really is HIS loss......you deserve better than that...and to be loved for WHO you are...not just what size dress ur wearing !!!

    Hope ur feeling positive today....:D

    lotsa love

  20. polishrose

    polishrose Gold Member

    I'm so glad you've realised you deserve someone much better than him.{{{hugs}}} My ex was similar-always going on about how I would look better thin and how I had a "fat ass", and yet he was 3 stone overweight himself.He left me in the end but I wish I'd had the courage to leave him sooner.
  21. archantgirl

    archantgirl Full Member

    Girl power!!!! (lol) It cheeses me off that us girls are supposed to be thin and pretty yet men can be lager louts, be overweight and stuff themselves silly and can be fat and bald, yet it's ok for them! (sorry nice guys out there!)

    I know a guy who is 48, very fat, very unattractive, yet he always chases young pretty girls- get a bloody life! It's about time someone brought these men to earth with a bump!!! Sorry, not a scorned woman at all! LOL
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