Feeling very very low

[Loopy!]

I'm feeling really low at the moment.

To cut a long story short, my elder son had been misbehaving at school and at home so the family thought it best he stay with my dad for a while to help. This was 3 months ago.

Today, he gets into a fight at school, realises he's going to be in trouble and runs away from school (he's 11 so in seniors).

First my husband and I here about it is when the school phone to see if he's with us, que me and my husband (i'm at work) dropping everything to look for him. I ring my dad who already knows about this - my son had phoned my younger sister and was going to meet her.

I try phoning my sister but she constantly diverts the call. I get my mum to phone her and he's then on his way round to my mums.

When I get there she's (mum) really quiet with me, I ask why Kate wouldn't answer the phone and her responses are short and curt. I said I know somethings going on. In the end she blurted out that I was a crap mother, that I look down my nose at everyone and that I'm a stuck up cow. She also said my son didn't want to go back to living with my & DH.

I asked her when was the last time she came to see my baby (H), her reply - 'I really don't care about him'.

H goes to nursery twice a week and my elder sister who has also been helping with my older son has him twice a week too. She's always really critical of my and if I don't hug J (my elder) as soon as I step through the door she accuses me of not caring about him.

Fed up of my family interfering we've decided J is back with us permantly and H will go to nursery 4 times a week.

I'm sick to death of them telling me i'm a bad mum and I just want them out of my life.

Nursery is now costing me double so I'm worried about money, worried about my elder, worrying about having no family support etc and worrying about whether I can keep paying for this diet.

This was longer than I expected.

Sigh:sigh:

 

[30FlirtyGirl]

hun .. i dont have children but I feel for you. All i can do is send you my biggest hugs :hug99:

 

[jillst]

life with kids is hard, for what it's worth i think you are right J is prob playing you all off, you should take charge and tell him how it is.
good luck with them x x x

 

[Hedgehog]

I dont have any advice, but just wanted to give you a big hug :gen126::gen126:

 

[jannyT]

Hi Loopy Please try not to get too down about things. When my kids were small I couldn't do anything right in my mother in law's eyes. She constantly compared me to my sister in law who had kids exactly the same age as mine. I always felt that we were the rubbish side of the family and they were so much better than us. They had more money, a nicer house, the kids went to private schools while mine had to go to childminders and nurseries so that I could work full time just to pay our way. Of course, her daughter would never do such a thing. My son was constantly in trouble at school and they were constantly on the phone to us complaining or demading we went up to get our knuckled rapped. But now years on and my kids are 21 and 19 she's changed her tune and we are just the perfect family. The reason? Wonderful sister in law ran off with someone who worked for them and left her husband and family. Both her kids are just doing there own thing (now 21 and 20) and neither has a job or any qualifications to speak of (even after that wonderful private education). My daughter will be graduatig from uni next month with a Journalism degree and has a job at a magazine in London to go to after her graduation next month and my son is just finishing his first year at uni where so far he's doing brilliantly - he's found something that stimulates him and he is so laid back now - totally different person over the last 4 or 5 years. I'll never forgive them for the pain they put me through and making me feel so inadequate. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Just stick with it and do things your way and it will come good for you. Take it from someone who has been there. Sorry for going on but I just feel for you so much.

Jan xx

 

[misscheeky]

aww you poor thing. sending big (((hugs))) your way, tbh i think your doing the right thing. your not a bad mother no one has the right to say that to anyone. Hope you feel better soon

becky x

 

[Loopy!]

Thanks everyone
I think J does play us all of against each other, he's uite smart and knows the right things to say
J going to my dads was meant to help him but it hasn't. I felt so guilty over this decision but we thought we were doing our best for him.
Mum and my 2 sisters keep saying that he doesn't want to be with us but he's saying differently.
My dad does everything for J, he doesn't have to lift a finger, whereas we get him to do chores to earn pocket money.
My sister has this whole mighter than though attitude dispite the fact shes up to her eyes in debt, has a husband who can't hold down a job, she still feels the need to tell me i'm doing things wrong with both my sons.

it's H's 1st birthday next month and I don't know what to do about his party. Do I invite the people who think I'm doing such a crap job, the people who don't care about my youngest?

Feeling knackered through crying so much today and have only had 2 packs, really can't stomach the third although I know I have to force myself.

Sometimes I really hate my life:cry:

 

[jannyT]

If I was you I wouldn't torture myself by inviting people who criticise you and don't care about H. Why don't you just go out as a family somewhere nice where you can chill and children are welcome. You deserve a break!

Jan xx

 

[Miel]

Hello Loopy :hug99:

I can't add anything to what others have already said, but I just wanted to let you know that from one Mum to another, we can only do our best and if that's not good enough for some then stuff them! You will never go wrong as long as you love your children and always do your best for them, which is what you are doing.

Personally, if I were in your shoes I would do whatever I could to try and keep parents and children together and if that means discipline and doing things differently from other family members, don't worry about it. Your family should be ashamed of themselves; instead of ganging up on you and being clandestine, they should be ganging together to help you. The problem is with them hun, not with you.

Being a parent is a thankless task, and the rewards are often years in coming but you'll get there.

I have a daughter of my own and raised my step daughter who is now 20, and shared the raising of my step son who is 18, I could fill a book with the mess this created at times, but I did my best and stuck to my guns and did what I felt was right and now everything is fine and dandy, mind you, it took some years, many arguments and quite often, murderous thoughts.

Keep your children with you, and try to ride out this storm. Your eldest is at that stage where most parents could willingly strangle their kids at some point most days, and his difficult behaviour is being almost encouraged by the knowledge he has that your relatives side with him. I would limit the time he can spend with such negative people for a while, concentrate on doing things as a family again and try to get as much quality time in together as you can. Try to bond.

Forget having a party for the baby until you have all got back on to an even keel again. Go out for the day and do something that you will all enjoy, and let the relatives scratch their heads for a while wondering at the change in you.

Don't be a doormat for anyone, you are a good person, a loving person and no-one should try and knock that out of you, least of all the very people who should love and support you.

I hope that you can find a way through the maze. Look after yourself xxx

 

[BREN]

Hey Loopy,

I'm a secondary teacher and see things like this all the time. Hope these few things, I contribute help;

What's done is done now and J is back with you and show him you are a great parent. He has lost his faith and perhaps trust in you and vice versa. It's time to move forward and you should parent proudly, walk the walk and talk the talk - meaning, listen to him and he's becoming an adult now so always sound reasonable and be reasonable. Perhaps dont say NO straight away to a request and tell him " maybe... give me a little while to think about it." Dont raise your voice at him as he will give up.

Find sometime to spend together go away for the weekend. Find some things to praise him and tell him your glad he's home.

As for your family and the birthday, have a intimate one and then offer an extended family afternoon tea perhaps. Let J go out for this with a friend as a treat and that way if the family get heated he wont be there to see it.

You do need to make it clear that people might have been telling him things you feel are untrue about yourself and you have been told things about him that sound fictional. Regardless of what has been said we start fresh from here and I love you.

Hope i've helped?

Bren
X