Friendship advice....

[princessnicky]

Hi all, just need a little advice on a situation thats really getting me down :-(

I had been best friends with a girl for 7 years and always thought of her as a sister i never had. I had a baby in 2010 and and she was godmum to my DD and she was the only person in the whole world, who if anything ever happened to me and OH that i would have wanted to care for my DD.

Since i had DD i saw her less and less,. I blame myself, but being up late with DD in the night, going back to work, and then once OH finished work and we had dinner and put DD to bed it was almost 9pm. I also had undiagnosed fibromyalgia which i think didnt help very much. I think that her hearing about my mummy friends that i would see in the daytime, may have sparked some jealously? Im really unsure, but maybe thinking to much and imagining things.

Anyway.... The last time i saw her was xmas eve 2010. It was my DD 1st bday in the Feb2010 and the saturday we had family over and the sunday we had all the godparents and close friends Over (small house so couldnt all do it at once). I never even received a text, call or even facebook message to wish my LO a happy birthday. Even people that hadnt met aimee did these, and i was quite upset. She was meant to come over on the sunday, so i texted in the morning asking what time she was coming so i knew when to put DD down for her nap so she would get to see her. She said she would text when she knew herself as she had been out he night before and never made it home (must of met someone...but ive no idea) I texted her at 6.30pm that night and asked if she was coming, and she said she wasnt as she was still in bristol. I was so upset and hurt and had to hold back the tears. No apology or anything. I really thought she loved the bones of my DD and the thought she would do anything and never let me or her down.

She texted a few times after to come drop the present off but the days she suggested were days i worked ( which she knew).about 3 weeks later as we were packing up and moving house ( she didnt even know where we were moving to, or ask) she texted saying could she drop it over that night. No, we were literally loading the last box into the van. So she said she would leave it on the doorstep, and i said not to as we wouldnt be back and it would get stolen. So she said if i didnt want it she would give it to someone else.

And that was it. I texted her happy birthday on her birthday the month after and in the summer i was deleted as a facebook friend which she never does. I then found out the day after her nan died (who she lived with) and thought that that she wouldnt want me getting in contact . So i didnt, and to this day i think i made the wrong decision.

Not a day goes past where i dont think or her. Lately i cant shift the 'lost' feeling and think its to do with her. I cant talk to my OH as he has no time for her anymore. Everyone ive spoke to thinks that i dont need a friend like her. Im just still so hurt, angry and upset, but miss her so much at the same time. I really do know what to do.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated xxxx

 

[Starlight]

Sometimes friendships just run their course, sounds as if this one has. Id say you have to accept the fact that her behaviour is pretty much saying she no longer wants to be part of your life.

Hurtful though that is it happens. Forget her, focus on what you do have, and well, its her loss. If it makes you feel better why not maybe send her an email outlining how hurt and sad you are by her behaviour.

 

[donna88]

I have to agree, it sounds like your friendship has run its course, yes it might have been that you neglected her a little after having your daughter, but that happens when people have children or other things happen in their lives. Her behaviour however sounds like it has been appalling, she reacted to you not seeing her as often very badly and childishly.

If she ever felt hurt by it she should have spoken to you about it, that way it could have been sorted out. But she didn't, she acted how she did.

I'd suggest not getting in touch, if she wants to get in touch then I wouldn't say don't start talking to her again but I would say be very wary.

 

[interested92]

I understand the feeling of loss honey, but believe me the pain does decrease.

 

[princessnicky]

Its so hard, i thought by now i would be over it, , but it just seems to be getting worse. I just REALLY miss her. I mean is her birthday tomorow and i was seriously considering email her to say happy birthday but i wont bother as im sure i would get a mouthful back.

i just feel like she thinks im the one in the wrong, even mutual friends have deleted me of FB and dont speak to me now and i lost more friends since.

Oh god, im crying my eyes out :-(

 

[Korrigan]

Oh god, im crying my eyes out :-(

Oh honey. ((hug))
I lost a few people I thought were good friends when my marriage broke up and it really really hurts.

But it does get better.

Why not email her to say happy birthday and that you really miss her and leave the ball in her court. Don't expect much ~ but either way you'll know you've done what you can and if she doesn't respond you're no better off other than knowing for sure its over.

And if she does respond ~ well you can take it from there I'm sure.

 

[princessnicky]

Thanks korrigan

I just dont want to be made to look like a fool. All this grown up malarky is hard! Wish i was a child again and play with barbies and have a new best friend everyweek! Lol xx

 

[JezVonSavage]

I'm going to start by saying that I'm one of those "childless" friends. At 27, I'm the last in quite a long line to have children and this kind of thing happens every time (but not as drastically in my cases). I often find myself missing the "old you" that inevitably occurs when my friends have a child. I still love them as a person, but all that awesome stuff we used to do together doesn't happen anymore because they are otherwise engaged or suddenly too responsible to get leathered the way we used to. Hey, that's not a bad thing, we all have to grow up, but if your friend doesn't have kids she probably finds baby talk and goo goo ga ga ga goo quite boring. I bet you've changed a lot and I'm sure she is upset that you didn't change together- there will be a bit of jealousy in there too. As everyone else has said, your friendship may have run it's course as this is a permanant change for both of you.

I only see my baby friends a couple of times a year now, it took a lot of negotiating to get to that even. I make all of them promise that we'll have one baby free night each year, where we all get sloshed, and when I see them they tend to keep baby convo to a minimum. In return I buy bday gifts and see them for special occasions and might take them on a day out every now and then.The kids tend to get used to "weird aunty Jez" when they are about 5.

I think she's been as petty as hell deleting you off fb, it sounds as though she had a hard time with her nan- maybe she was equally upset that you didn't get in touch with her about that like she missed the babies bday.

Anyway, I'd message or email her and if she replies then try to get in touch- but don't expect things to go back to normal. Not unless she has a baby anyway.

 

[donna88]

I think some people are very strange, I'm the only one of my friends who has a baby (well not a baby anymore he's 4 this year) but I still see my friends, not as often as I used to but not because of my little boy, they've also grown up in different ways, either moved area or got busy jobs. So its not just me who's got other things to focus on. But we still see each other when we can, sometimes with my little boy sometimes without, I've never had to have someone sit me down and say we need time without the baby. As personally I like to be able to go out and have a night out or even just a meal and be with my friends and just be me without worrying what little one is up to, but equally my friends are really interested in little one and love seeing him and doing things with him as well. It doesn't seem like we're making a massive compromise by me sometimes forcing myself out without him and them sometimes putting up with him. We all enjoy both.

I do agree, if you really want to get in touch send her a birthday message and say you've missed her ect. even say you'll make more of an effort when you can to see her without little one. If she throws it back in your face you know not to try again but at least you'll know where you stand.

I find it very odd that mutual friends have also taken you off facebook though? From what you've said nothing has really happened, I don't understand why people would fall out with you just for having a baby :/

 

[Lottie12]

I agree with Donna Jez and Korrigan,

You obviously really miss your friend and would like her to be a part of your life again.

You are admirably honest in acknowledging your suspected reasons for her not wanting to see you and that, I think, is crucial if you want to persuade her to be involved in your altered life.

There are several scenarios that could happen.

1. You do nothing. Your sad feelings will eventually subside but you will know the end of your relationship was sour and perhaps wish it could have been different.

2. You send her a card/letter explaining that you miss her and would like her to see her again. Apologise without excuses for not getting in touch after the death of her Grandma and offer belated sympathies. If she reads this she will be forced to see your genuine desire to see her again,she will be reminded of how lovely you are and it offers her the opportunity to hold out her hand to you.

If you take this option dont be tempted to use the word "but" (and then state where she made mistakes) because if you do she is likely to feel entrenched in her position and will almost certainly use it to stoke her hurt/ anger against you and all the angry thoughts she has about you, will in her mind become an absolute truth and therefore justified.

You say "I dont want to look like a fool" I wonder if you are saying "I dont want to show my vunerability" which is very different and allowing yourself to be vunerable is vital in a trusting and authentic relationship.

I wish you luck whatever you decide

 

[Pepsi77]

It's fair enough if she doesn't want to be friends anymore but for mutual friends to also cull you?! Is there anything that could've happened/been said that she has taken the wrong way? Obviously you don't think there is but is it possible, unless all her and mutual friends are young and ridiculously immature it is very odd.

If she is really that important to you then I do think you need to give it one last go! I'd send an email telling her how you miss her and you have noticed that as your lives have gone in different directions you are verging on losing contact. How you would hate for that to happen but understand how life gets in the way sometimes. JUst let her know you're there for her whenever.

Even if you don't get the reply you wanted at least you know you've tried and you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what if!

Me and my 2 best friends drifted apart for years and we all had children the same age (17&18 this year). We would maybe send a couple texts a year and that was all. About 6 years ago we started meeting in a local (to 2 of us) pub for a bite to eat once a year to keep up to date with each other and then about 2 1/2 years ago started getting together for a Sunday afternoon catchup about 4 or 5 times a year.

If you couldn't send an email then i'd just keeping sending ones on Birthdays and other occasions to let her know you still think of her and hopefully she'll come round or tell you what the problem is.
xx

 

[Ally89]

I had two best friends all the way from when i was 4 up to when i was 20, after i left uni, both of them just started ignoring me, they walk past me in the street, one even changed their mobile number so I couldn't contact them. It hurts, but it happens, i still think about them, but sometimes you have to learn to deal with it, for some reason they obviously don't want to be around you anymore, more often than not its related to jealousy, but if they don't want you to contact them, then theres nothing you can do about it.

 

[icklerockchick]

Agreed some friendships are worth resurrecting and other people just aren't worth the effort and you have to accept that you are better off without them.

I would do what others suggest - send her a wee email/letter/whatever not too long just outlining why you were upset and that you miss her. If you don't hear back then at least you know you tried and that she really isn't worth another moment of your time and can move on.

No point always wondering "what if?" just offer to give the friendship another chance and if not get yourself you can move on as you have a kind of closure on the issue.

I've drifted apart from many friends it happens people have busy lives. Some people I get back in touch with and when we meet it's like we were never apart can talk away for hours, other you realise are just fairweather friends and these are the ones you do not need in your life despite any good times you may have had in the past.

Best of luck x

 

[Shirleen]

I'm more concerned about you, and why is this hitting you so hard after all this time?
Do you have friends (new friends), are you feeling a bit lonely? Life lacking a bit of excitement?
I realise that I may be getting totally the wrong end of the stick, but I can't help thinking that you would have moved on by now.

Personally I would drop her a line saying you wish her a happy birthday and wish her well, tell her you miss her and that you would love to see her again. Then leave the ball in her court, give her three weeks, then accept it's over xxxx

 

[princessnicky]

Ive really no idea shirleen. I mean i have moved away, and have made a few new friends. I wouldnt say im lonely as in the day im rather busy with all the things i do with my DD. I guess i just miss having that person who knows me inside out, someone alway there for me, someone to rely on, whereas now everyone always relys on me.....if that makes any sense.I spose i feel like 'mum' all the time and miss the days when i was just 'nicky'.

Im getting married in Aug and always though she would be my MOH but unfortunatly thats not the case. Ive sent her a little message to say happy birthday, so the ball is her court if he wants to reply.

Thanks everyone for all your kind word and advice xx

 

[Shirleen]

Ive really no idea shirleen. I mean i have moved away, and have made a few new friends. I wouldnt say im lonely as in the day im rather busy with all the things i do with my DD. I guess i just miss having that person who knows me inside out, someone alway there for me, someone to rely on, whereas now everyone always relys on me.....if that makes any sense.I spose i feel like 'mum' all the time and miss the days when i was just 'nicky'.

Im getting married in Aug and always though she would be my MOH but unfortunatly thats not the case. Ive sent her a little message to say happy birthday, so the ball is her court if he wants to reply.

Thanks everyone for all your kind word and advice xx

Bless you, I think alot has happened for you...moving, a baby, now getting married, perhaps looking back you see a 'simpler' time. Friendships never stay the same anyway and some break up. The sad thing is we dont 'finish' with our friends so one is left in limbo.
Make sure you're taking time out for you, and....lean on your other half both of you need it hunny xxxxx

 

[princessnicky]

Thanks shirleen xx

 

[Busby85]

It sounds like you have had a bit of a hard time with this friend, I think if you have sent her a message and she doesn't react then its time to call it a day at that. It can hurt for a long time when you lose a friend but you will get there, your energies have to go towards your family and if she cant see that and appreciate it then in my opinion she's being a bit selfish.

I fell out with one of my best friends for a long time and I can understand what you are going through, that feeling in the pit of your stomach thinking about things that you've done then rehashing situations to see who was in the wrong only to doubt yourself and go over it all again in your head. Its a tough time but you will get through it. My friend sent me an e-mail out of the blue after about 3 years asking if I wanted to meet up and could we put the past behind us and I gladly did so but a lot had changed and although we are friends it will never be what it was.

Try and keep your chin up - you haven't done anything wrong. If she does not get back in touch put it to the back of your mind, if you feel sad or are sat depressed thinking about it try and occupy yourself with something else whether it be playing with your daughter or coming on here for a chat, try not to dwell on it. It will get better over time xxx

 

[princessnicky]

Busby - that is exactly how in feel. Great advice, think i need to focus on something else to get me through the tough time. Thanks hun xx

 

[donna88]

I hope you get a nice reply and can work on your relationship, if not then you know its def time to move on. Whatever happens I hope your feeling well in yourself.