Giving it a shot

[cateka]

I have seen several people posting their weight loss journals online here, and it seems to do you a great deal of good to have others watching your progress, but not judging. I'm sure the encouragement is nice - I expect the paranoia of being observed pushes you a little bit more to carry on with your plans (like a nicer 1984, be my "big brothers" dears).
I think I shall try this out myself.


Okay, for those of you who have not been following my other threads (thank you dearly to those who have) my name is Cathy, I am 18 years old sitting on just under 8st currently. I have been fighting a rather futile battle with a very unkind lady you may know as "Mia" (a very serious eating disorder) for nearly 7 years now. Over the last few months my life has been deteriorating due to it - I have been inducing vomiting from 2-8 times a day EVERY day and have occasionally attempted to overdose on laxatives.


I will not dare imply that anyone on here is prejudiced enough to sneer at me for it but believe it or not there are some AWFUL people in the world that come to the most ridiculous conclusions about people with eating disorders so I would like to clear a few things up:

1) I am not "vain".
Vanity means 'self-love'. Eating disorders are associated with 'self-loathing'. Buy a dictionary.

2) I am not "shallow".
I don't love a lot of people, but the ones I do love, I love them for THEM, not the case they came in. There are lots of attractive people in the world, if I was shallow I would love hundreds of people. I don't hate fat people - if anything I am jelouse of fat people because they seem so happy in their skin, and I am traumatised inside mine.

3) I am not "stupid".
I am fully aware of the risks that are associated with my illness, I have an A-level in Biology and I am studying to become a nurse, I know the physiological implications. You will generally find that many anorexics/bulimics are very intellegant. A humanistic theory of eating disorders is the disruption is caused by us not living up to our intellectual potential. Prove them wrong.


Whooo... anyway, rant over, I'll tell you what I am looking to achieve. I want a diet that becomes a LIFESTYLE, not a fad. I loose tons of weight at a time by overexercising and eating a strict diet of apples, raw vegetables and black coffee (helping me loose up to 8lb a week) but eventually the exhaustion and pain gets to me and I eat something high calorie. It could be something as minor as a slice of bread. Immidiatly I have 'failed'. The day as a unit is dead to me. I overeat untill I have cramps in my stomache and back. I vomit to get rid of the pain. Then I swallow water and vomit again over and over until nothing but water comes up. Recently I've torn my oesophagus. This put me off purgeing for a few days but soon enough I was right back to it. My doctor has perscribed me some antidepressants but their effects are very limited, and I relapse immidiatly if they run out - I'm starting to fear I have a dependance on them (or at least the placebo effect of them).

This is an awful, dangerous lifestyle and I want to change it for the better. To do things Martin Luther King style; I have a dream that one day I will wake up, ignore my scales, eat cereal, leave the house and come back home later having eaten and exercised but not thought CONSISTANTLY about food, I will eat my dinner, I will not cry, I will not have to tell my boyfriend I wish I was dead, I will be able to enjoy sex without worrying about sucking it in, and I will fall asleep without saying "I'll do better tomorrow".

Tomorrow I am going to start a diet whereby I can judge my appearance and achievements by what I see in the mirror, not the figure on my scales. It has to be tomorrow because typically, I 'failed' today. I will 'fail' again when I go home inevitably because my mother forgot to go shopping so there is no healthy food in the house.

I plan to do aerobic exercise everyday, and attempt to eat some form of meat every day, along with at least one meal that has a carbohydrateish food (eg bread, rice). My ultimate goal is to go 5 days without purgeing. This might not sound like an 'ultimate goal' but a few weeks ago I made it through 4 days and they were the happiest days of my life. I don't mind failing occasionally just as long as its not up to 8 times per day!

I really need to get better guys, I'm tired of my psychiatrist listing the number of ways I could die due to my illness in just one day. Please be with me on this. Thank you everyone. I love you all.

 

[orbita]

wow, very brave!
crossing fingers you succeed with your plans and goals!

 

[tara66]

Hi sweetheart, I wish you all the best on your journey x

 

[BBlilsis]

Hi Cateka, I have no problem becoming your online pal with you on this journey, but I'm concerned that your still dieting?, you say your going to start a "diet whereby I can judge my appearance and achievements by what I see in the mirror, not the figure on my scales." I would love to know if this diet is to maintain your current status, because I feel that is what you should be trying to achieve, I'm truly hoping its not for you to continue to loose weight? I have seen your other posts and I think you are well below the normal bmi, so continuing to slim would be dangerous.

Come and let us know how your doing on your 5day challenge :gen126:

 

[Janey2004]

Softly softly catchy monkey. You sound like you know where you want to go and how to get there. Will follow you along the way, you're a very brave and insightful person and I'm glad I can get to know you wee bit. x

 

[cateka]

Oh dear... here it goes again.
I've failed to make it even one day sadly
Some improvements have been noted though - I turned the calorie ticker off on ALL my gym machines and set myself time targets and started listening to my body instead of the machines ie I say "half an hour on the treadmill" and then adjust the speeds as I go along.
Vomiting has continued, but not nearly as bad as before. For a start, vomiting two times a day is a lot better than six times IMO (you may, may not agree....).
At least I know my condition four days ago is possibly as bad as it will ever get, so I'm not so much afraid of relapse. This might sound unusual, but I find the fear of a relapse makes a relapse a lot more likely.

I suppose you could describe Mia as being a little like schizophrenia - everywhere you go, the thoughts follow you, even if you repress them, you can feel them walking behind you ready to pounce the second you let your guard down.
I just want to forget... forget EVERYTHING I know about food, exercise and calories. Six years ago I may have been fat at the age of 12, but I was HAPPY. Happily fat. I want to get back to that, I just want not to care.

Orbita, tara and janey, thank you for your words, much obliged my darlings!

Lily, you raise a good point, under it all I know my fears are irrational as I am a 'healthy' BMI, but I just don't see it in the mirror. Some people describe this as body dysmorphic disorder, but I do genuinely believe my body is mishaped and people are just too kind to point it out. I have small breasts, short fat legs and a fat belly streached over a long torso. Not to mention that I am pale as a ghost (nothing to do with the illness, always have been), my hair is thick and frizzy and my features are boring- I look AWFUL. At least when I see other fat girls they are in proportion - their legs are normally even more slendar than mine even if their waists are bigger, and they normally have large breasts. I guess I obsess about my weight because it is the only thing I can control about my appearance.

 

[cateka]

Wonderful news! I made it through one day without vomiting!
I am reading a good book called 'Getting Better Bit(e) by Bit(e)' which I would seriously reccomend to anyone else suffering from bulimia nervosa or emotional eating problems.
Anyway, this book reccomended keeping a food-diary, daily timetable and writing down small achieveble goals. My goal yesterday was to make it to 4.30pm without vomiting, but amazingly enough I went the whole day instead! I feel great about it. Timetabling my day worked brilliantly too. I've found drinking a hot drink the moment I feel the urge to binge and reminding myself I can carry on after I've drunk it helps wonderfully.
Today I set a goal of only vomiting once if I have to - sadly I think I will. I had a really awful day and a fight with my boyfriend and I'm alone this evening so...

Anyway, progress is progress

 

[BBlilsis]

Cateka, I'm proud of you for completing day one, try try try to do day 2 if you can, I realise you have extra pressure cuz of the fight with the boyfriend, but see what you can do :gen126:

 

[cateka]

Ah sadly I didn't make it through day 2, but I was good to my word and still only vomited once.

I cheered myself up a bit later by playing Wii Fit then made up with my boyfriend. Confronting a problem is somehow more gratifying than putting my head down a toilet.
Funny that.

Anyway, I am really going to try and make it through today. I slept awfully last night though so I probably won't be able to work up enough stamina to go to the gym today. If thats the case, I plan to take a nice long nap instead. Purgeing always strikes hardest when I'm tired, so I'm a little scared.

Further good news, my mother seems to be resorting to helping as opposed to bullying me (at last!) and has stocked the kitchen up with tons of delicious raw vegetables!

I've got to watch this too, I've gone down an awful spiral of eating nothing but raw veg all the time and suffering nausia and fainting after a few days.
On that note, can anyone reccomend some high-carb, low-fat foods I can throw in with my vegtables? I find it really hard to get my carbs sometimes

Thanks for all your encouragement my darlings.

 

[Janey2004]

Magic stuff on getting through the one day, bloody fantastic actually. And you were having a crappy time too. Big kudos there. x

 

[BBlilsis]

Well done Cateka, you are making great progress, some ideas on high carb, low fat food would be wholegrain rice or wholegrain pasta, of course wholegrain bread, but that might be too much for you at the moment, try to have a little protein, turkey, chicken, tuna are all good low fat options.

Stay strong missus, come talk to us, we'll not judge, just support :gen126:

 

[nexangelus]

Cateka, it has been said that upping certain proteins and even supplementing with BCAAS and protein powders and bars can affect mood and replace the missing protein that some people with eating disorders are affected with...I take GABA (Gamma-aminobutyric acid) and PEA (Phenylethylamine) as well as my extra helpings of protein and I have not binged, purged or starved myself for a long time...I still have triggers from time to time that set off momentary lapses, but I have not been as stable in ages...hope this helps...

 

[cateka]

Another magic day happened No bingeing. I had a relapse the next day but we seem to be getting in a system of every other day which is better than before. My next big goal is two days.

Thank you for all of your advice about carbs, I'll really try to throw some in. I did manage to keep some down the other day, here was my total food consumption;

Fruit salad & natural yoghurt
1 apple
1 orange
2 ryvitas with cucumber and cottage cheese
Small salad - babycorns, sugar snap peas, beans, peppers

This was still not really sufficient as I felt exhausted, sick and faint by the end of the day but it is still a considerable improvement. This is the first time I have been able to keep high carbohydrate and protein foods (cottage cheese, ryvitas, beans) down in a long tme.
I'm so happy I could finally eat these foods unafraid for once

This was my plan for today;
2 weetabix & soya milk
1 apple
1 salad (babycorns, cucumber, beans)
1 orange
1 serving of prawns with chilli dip
1 portion of sugar snap peas

7 caffine drinks MAXIMUM (black coffee and black tea).

You may also see I have an issue with caffine but thats another story for another time... Thank you all

 

[nexangelus]

7 caffine drinks MAXIMUM (black coffee and black tea).

You may also see I have an issue with caffine but thats another story for another time... Thank you all

Well, one can only deal with one thing at a time and you seem to be prioritising really well...keep it up...and keep it down (ew what a thing to say)...the purging does become habit though and once the habit cycle has been broken it does slow down and reason (asking yourself quetions before during and after trouble spots and generally around food) can be thrown in there to slowly take control again...carbs are the problem, you are right, as they are the easiest to binge and then get rid of...I think the only one I steer clear of now is potatoes but only because after cutting them out and then re-adding them they make me ever so tired if I eat over a certain amount...

Complex carbs with bran, your ryvitas and all that heavy nutted bread is really good and filling...do you like oats? These are slow release and a 'good' carb (all the best athletes use oats)...

Keep it up and best wishes over the Xmas period...don't fret...take it calmly...try not to let the panic affect your eating...

 

[BBlilsis]

Hey Cateka, your doing excellent, I'm really happy to read your posts, they're sooo optimistic now and your food choices sound delish and healthy too, keep it up missus, we're here for ya :gen126:

 

[orbita]

hi girl! doing good!!!

 

[BBlilsis]

AND​

 

[cateka]

Hey guys, hope you all had a wonderful christmas and are keeping your new years resos in track

Because I did not and am not
Christmas was awful, I had some sort of nervous breakdown just before because my mother began to bully me AGAIN and on top of that told me that I was pale and ugly and soon my boyfriend won't want me anymore... They always know whats best for you eh?

Anyway, sortof left home to cool off and stayed with my boyfriend over christmas which didn't make things much better - I forgot his family has no concept of healthy eating or lifestyle. Not a vegetable in sight Not to mention all the rich christmas food that was flying around anyway. I got so miserable I spend most of the holiday drunk, throwing my control away once again.
Then I went back home after a while only to find my mother has gone the same way - the fruit bowl and vegetable drawer were a rotting mess... so the cycle carried on.

Not to mention the gym closed for 2 weeks over christmas and my mother has banned me from exercising at home

I can't seem to find any motivation to carry on, I ate a cookie today and I feel like my life has come to an end, how sad is that?

My weight has plummeted back down to 7st 7lb and I STILL see nothing but FAT FAT FAT when I look in the mirror.

On the plus side... purgeing is becoming less frequent, it still happens almost every day, but usually only once. This is beautiful. I'm hoping to start dropping days in a row soon.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but recovery really feels like its taking FOREVER. I'm hoping to start seeing some serious improvements soon or my motivation will just keep going to hell.

 

[BBlilsis]

Hi Cateka, sorry to hear your christmas was a bit rubbish, can I ask have you got anyone helping you with your thoughts on food and size etc.

I'm happy that you've come back and are posting, so keep that up, well done on reducing the number of purges, lets work together to reduce the number of days, give yourself a target, try not to purge every day for a start and work it from there :gen126:

 

[cateka]

Hi BBlilsis, thanks for keeping track.
I don't think I'm quite ready for multiple days in a row yet, my self control seems so much better if I do a workout in the morning though.

I'm going to see my doctor today and DEMAND a higher dosage of prozac. I know I'm very young but I really don't think its fair she should delay any treatment just because of that. I've been taking 20mg for about a month now and would have expected to see some further improvements by now.