Heaving myself back on the wagon!

Discussion in 'LL Diaries' started by X~Libby~X, 20 December 2012 Social URL.

  1. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Hi all, I am due to embark on my LLT journey on Jan 6th. I have been here before but life and my emotions got in the way.

    I last did LL in 2009. I had 5.5 stone to lose to get to my goal of 10 stone which would have put me firmly in the healthy BMI range. I was doing fantastically, I completed foundation without faltering once and then went on to developers. I had got down to 12 stone. This was the smallest I could remember being since school. I thought I looked great, I felt great and life was great. That is, until my boyfriend of 3 years at the time cheated on me.

    I couldn't understand this. In all the time we had been together, I had never been as happy or looked as good as I did then. Why would he cheat on me? This completely destroyed me as in my head we were in it for the long haul. I then started to over think everything and came to the conclusion that all this hurt had come from me losing weight. I justified this seriously crooked thinking by reasoning that we were happy for 3 years, I lose weight and BAM it's all over, I'm alone and that was probably my only chance of happiness.

    I withdrew myself from everyone that cared about me, quit my job and surrounded myself with people that were only interested in going out and drinking far too much. I spent 6 months in this state of self destruction and very nearly pushed my closest friends away.

    It was towards the end of this phase that I meant my OH. At first we were just friends. We spent every minute together and spoke about everything you could possibly imagine. Nights of getting blind drunk with people that wouldn't of ever noticed if I wasn't there, turned into nights on the sofa watching movies and staying up til 6am just talking. This turned into a relationship and I genuinely believe that he saved me from myself.

    We moved in together and we were blessed with the most beautiful daughter I could ever of imagined. I finally mustered the confidence to go back to college and begin a foundation degree which is the start of my journey to becoming a primary school teacher.

    To be honest, my life is pretty wonderful. There is just one thing stopping me from being completely happy. Due to my depression and pregnancy, I put on every pound I lost, and some.

    I feel that I am at a time in my life and my head that I can take control of my weight again. Towards the end of my last LL journey, I had come to realise the reason for my over eating. All through my teenage years I had regularly self harmed, I never to the day put my finger on the reason why I did it. All I know, is that it was an overwhelming need to feel that release. I managed to curb this behaviour but in doing so replaced it with over eating.

    I am determined that this time round, I am going to address this behaviour and finish the journey I started so long ago. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and am perusing a career that I am passionate about it.

    I know I'm a couple of weeks away from starting, but I used to use this site back in the day and I found the people on here really supportive. I used to just read others posts and occasionally make a contribution, but this time round I thought I would start my own diary. I don't know if anyone will read it but even so it will be a place for me to release my thoughts and reflect on my journey.

    I have a tendency to ramble and think of more and more things to add so a lot of my posts will probably seem never ending, it's a nervous thing!

    I am very exciting about regaining the control I felt back in 2009, but I am also terrified. I'm terrified of having to face those emotional demons that I did last time but the thing that scares me the most is losing my OH as I did last time. He is fully supportive of me beginning LLT but my irrational part of my brain is telling me that I'll lose the weight, feel truly happy in my own skin and then lose everything again.

    That is enough for tonight but no doubt I will be back very soon!
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  3. Tilleymonster

    Tilleymonster Full Member

    Hi Libby! It's so nice to emeet you and I can't wait to hear more and watch you succeed. Write and write and write. I will always read it. I've got a diary going too and Skinny and I post really often there. I am so thrilled to find someone else on this too as its been lonely round these parts!

    Im currently having a break after losing the first 2 of 4 stone. So I'll be going through ketosis with you in January... Again, for us both eh?!

    I'm so amazed by your journey. I have really similar life experiences and have also been heartbroken when I felt at my best. There's nothing like that to make you want to forget the world and eat and drink and punish yourself; if only I'd been less threatening to that guy, I'd think, if only I hadnt been so selfish to have looked after myself. And then rules are out the window, selfesteem is blown apart and on goes the weight.

    It sounds like your OH saved you, mine too. Arent we lucky? As long as you've been up front with him, and it sounds like he knows you and went through the bad times with you, then try not to be scared. You can't be sure of the future but I can promise you that your weight, or loss of it, will not be why anyone leaves you. It'll be that they are a BLEEP! You have a darling child and your eye on the prize for your career and I so respect you sorting out this last obstacle to being all you want.

    I will be rooting for you and here whether you want to whinge, get advice or just talk about something random.

    Take care love, the countdown to making life yours has already begun xxx I sound so cheesy, sorry! X
  4. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Hi, nice to emeet you too! I was worried no one would make it through my mammoth post!

    It does seem quiet on here compared to when I was last on all those years ago, maybe the newer generations of LLer's haven't been sent this way. I'll be sure to do some pointing when I start group as this was such a big help to me last time.

    I've just been reading through my posts from last time and it was an interesting read. It was actually nice to be able to see where my head was at in general and when I began to lapse. It looks like my life and head are in a much better place this time round which can only be a positive thing!

    I have shared my fears with my OH and he has reassured me that we are for keeps. The rational me knows this and knows he's different to the ex, sometimes the other me just needs a bit of a talking to.

    I've also realised that the first time round, I was doing it to please everyone else probably more than for myself cause I was so concerned with what everyone thought. This time however is for me. I don't care what anyone they doesn't matter thinks anymore. I've been into Tesco sleep deprived with baby vomit down my back, I really am past caring. There are bigger things in this life such as making sure I pass on a healthy relationship with food to my daughter, that I learn to love me and who I am so that in turn she can do the same.

    It is one of my secondary goals (primary being to get to 10 stone) to be fit enough to do race for life in the summer. If I maintain 100% abstinence I should be at goal by June which is a glorious thought. Using this and my daughter as motivation, I don't see how I can fail. My dad was diagnosed with cancer round about the time of me being half way through my melt down which didn't help things. Thankfully he won that fight and is on top form now. I am grateful every day for his health and strength and I am determined to make him proud by running (or jogging as running may be a little optimistic) that race.

    Sorry for another long post...I seem to suffer from word vomit but the typing form, not sure what you'd call that!

    I'm looking forward to having someone on here on my journey with me :)

  5. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Counting down the days til 'D Day' and it's at 9 days. Time seems to have stood still at the moment. When I went and met my councillor and signed up, January 6th seemed frighteningly close and now I want it to be here, it seems an age away! I'm so keen to get started, I'm just trying to hold on to this enthusiasm and not think too much about the start date in the hope it will get here quicker. The watched pot never boils and all that jazz!

    Hope everyone has had a fantastic Christmas and are going to have a fabulous New Years!

  6. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Wow i actually welled up reading your first post. What a journey youve been through. Im starting LLT on 4th Jan, my 1st time on LL but not my 1st tfr. I look forward to reading your diary xxxx
  7. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Hi Kaceyboo! It will be nice to have someone starting at around the same time as me :). That was a very bad time for me, but the way I look at it now is that every single horrible thing that happened led to me receiving the most precious gift of all, my daughter. Harley truly is my angel. When every miserable thought and feeling catches up with me and I just don't want to get out if bed in the morning, I obviously have to for her and once she gives me that first smile of the day and we sit and have a big cuddle, I know everything is going to turn out right.

    What other TFR have you tried? I don't know much about any of the others. LL however will be the best thing you ever do. If you stick to it and really take on board everything you learn from the councillor you will never regret it. There will obviously be easy and hard days. One thing I've learnt from last time is that I owe this to myself, noone else. So when people get me down, I shan't jeopardise all the hard work I've put in and was straight for the fridge, I shall remove myself from the situation and go and soak away my worries in the bath or do my nails.

    Your councillor will be a god send, I found I could tell mine anything so bend her ear when you need to.

    Sorry for the rambling, if you read my other posts you will see I suffer from the typing version of word vomit!

    I wish you every bit of luck on your journey, if you ever need a rant or ramble or just want to ask a question, feel free to. I'll be hear right the way through :)

    If you don't mind me asking, how much are you aiming to lose? I've got 6st 7lbs to lose which seems fairly daunting at the moment, but I know I can do it!

  8. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Ive tried cambridge and slim and save but im really looking forward to the meetings as my relationship with food is awful. Cant wait to get started. My starting weight is around 18stone eeek but onwards and upwards. I have 4 children, a hubby who works 5 nightshifts a week and im also a housekeeper in a hotel at weekends so life is mega busy but im so ready to start my journey and get abit of myself back. Fancy a buddy? Xxx
  9. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Buddying up sounds like a great idea. I'm currently studying a foundation degree full time and my daughter is 18 months old so between college, Harley and college work, I've not got much spare time at all. My OH is a chef so he works evenings and is home after I've gone to bed.

    I spend a lot of my life feeling like I'm completely out of control just trying to get everything done. I'm looking forward to having complete control over the food aspect of my life. I honestly have never felt better or had more energy than the last time I did LL so I'm hoping that's going to help me manage the rest of my life!

    I'm starting at 16st 7lb so we're starting off at a fairly similar place! What's your goal weight? Mines 10st. I decided I just wanted to be 'healthy' with regards to my BMI

  10. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Great! I totally understand where your coming from. Im so excited. Feel like all of the real me is lost. I have no confidence and detest myself. I feel about 50 not 31. I let my 20s go by fat and im determined my 30s will be different. I actually havent set my goal weight yet. I would like to fit in a size 12 comfortably so i will know when i get there lol xx
  11. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    I 100% believe that 2013 is going to be my year, and it will be yours too! You sound like you've reached an all time low like me and I think if we really focus on how we feel now, we can harness those feelings to drive us forward through this diet and to change our relationships with food permanently!

    Oooo it's very empowering this!

  12. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    2013 here we come :)xx
  13. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Indeed. Personally I am enjoying imagining the types of clothes I will be able to wear next summer!

  14. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Oh god me too. I feel like a proper heffer whatever i wear just now. Sick of everything being tight and having to wear just whatever fits. X
  15. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    So, I've decided that this time round on LL, I'm going to do something I didn't do last time (apart from stick to it til goal lol). I'm going to reward myself. I need to get into the habit of using non edible treats rather than raiding the fridge and cupboards.

    Tonight has been quite fun in planning all my little treats. I have 6 stone to lose, so therefore I get 5 little treats, then one big one when I get to goal.

    Treat 1 for 1 stone gone - manicure
    Treat 2 for 2 stone gone - pedicure and foot rub
    Treat 3 for 3 stone gone - outline of new tattoo done
    Treat 4 for 4 stone gone - Indian head massage
    Treat 5 for 5 stone gone - some form of back massage
    Treat 6 for getting to goal - tattoo finished and the purchase of a made to order Vivienne of Holloway 50's style circle dress.

    The theory is, if I write these on here I won't forget! I learned last time that actually I do deserve a bit of pampering and I am worth it but I never followed through with it, this time I'm going to spoil myself :)

    Also at some point along the way I will get my hair revamped. Thinking pillar box red this time round, ooo I can't wait!

    Hope everyone is good

  16. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Great idea! Xx
  17. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    Less than a week to go til I'm off on my LLT journey, bouncing around on my wagon down that bumpy road.

    How are you feeling about it Kaceyboo? Only a few days to go now...eeeeek!

  18. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    I actually cant wait. Sick of food and drink and sooo cant wait to get into a rountine and on the road to the new me. How you feeling? Ps my name is Pam lolxxxxx
  19. kaceyboo

    kaceyboo Silver Member

    Routine lol
  20. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

    I've noticed a big difference since I met with my LLC. I've been eating less and saying 'no thank you' to stuff that I recognise that I don't actually want or need rather than accepting out of politeness or just out of habit. I mean Christmas I only had one dinner of average size whereas before I would of had two full helpings then at least two lots of trifle whereas this year it was one average portion of each.

    I even left some food on my plate the other day cause I listened to my body telling me it was full. Major breakthrough there!

    I'm really chomping at the bit now, just want to get going now! Going to make a real effort from now until Sunday to minimise carbs and try and get my water intake up to try and minimise headaches etc.

  21. Curvy1

    Curvy1 Full Member

    Good luck for your journey ! You seem to already be in really determined- which I believe is half the battle ! I see my LLC tonight ( yep on New Year's Day !) hopefully I can start tomorrow as I think I don't need to wait for the doctors anymore ?

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