Hello I'm new

JuniperP

New Member
Hello I'm new to this web site, I have been trying to loose weight for most of my adult life. When I was at school, my weight was around 8 1/2 stone.

When I was 16 I was courted and by 21 I was married, since then I have increased in weight. I am currently 14 stone.

I don't feel right, I have a pain in my right side and have just been diagnosed with a fatty liver - they suggested I was a heavy drinker and should cut out alcohol !

I live with my husband, who is disabled, and I have been his main carer since 2012. I have steadily grown used to not going out - especially since covid, as my husband is almost 18 years older than me - so he wouldn't go out.

I go out with my mum once a week, usually to her house and we play board games with my nieces, I tend to drink at these times - usually bud light, about 6 to 7 cans, but I have changed that recently to something less ABV like Morrisons or Asda own lager.

I used to drink a lot when I was younger, but I was also a lot smaller in size. I am currently various sizes - 22 on top, 20 waist and 24 hips!

I soooooooo want to try and get back to a reasonable level of weight so my goal is 140 lbs - my current weight being 196 lbs.

I have recently purchased a diary to help me log my food and my weight and activity.

I currently feel like everything is too much energy, I have hyperhydrosis - (I sweat and insane amount) and feel like I have been in a monsoon, with my head dripping sweat into my eyes and down my face, and that's just doing the vacuuming. What's worse is that this happens when I'm in public and it's very embarrassing - I look like the person that they make jokes about in The Two Ronnies (god I'm showing my age!).

My self esteem is below par, my mum has a "suck it up and get over it attitude", I feel like my husband wants to be supportive, but everything he says is not supportive just critical - like that made anyone feel better, ever!

It's hard on me mentally and has taken it's toll. I was never very confident of myself or my abilities to do anything right or accomplish anything by myself. I'm still not any of those things and I don't usually put my feelings like this in writing - but I feel it's time that I tried something different for me.

I want to believe in myself more, accomplish more by myself and feel more worthy of being on this planet - trust me, my worst moments have been that I don't even feel I am worthy to take my own life - I need to be abducted or seduced and then raped, tortured and killed - how sad is it when you think so little of your own life?

My life of caring is not going to change for the foreseeable future, so I need to change my mind set, I know this, I recognise this but actually putting it into practice is another story. I'm hoping that by being part of a community that shares their journey of loosing weight and talking about the ups and downs, not just of their weight journey but maybe their mental journey as well - will help me along the way to recovery of myself and my well being.

For those of you who are actually reading this posting, I am grateful for you capacity to take onboard what I am saying and try to help me through my journey - which I really believe I need to take for my own sanity.

I feel trapped in my body, which feels out of sorts, my main weight is around my middle and I try to loose the weight first and exercise afterwards to tighten the muscles. However I don't feel that this is working for me - I seam to need about 10 hours sleep - I'm not sure if that's abnormal.

I am not able to stand still for longer than about 5 mins. - I get pains in my heals and the balls of my feet become painful also - so whereas I used to love walking, now it's something I try to avoid.

Sorry this first posting is like a biography, but I feel if I'm going to get the most out of a forum, then I need to be honest and open. Maybe I need to see a professional for my mental health, but in the UK it's a self referral, then group therapy is the suggested option and I get anxious around others. I mainly don't trust myself around others.

I don't seam to be able to be diplomatic and my mind always want to play "devils advocate" - raising opposing issues, which makes people angry with me and starts arguments, when that's not what I want to achieve - what I want to achieve, is for them to see that their perspective is not the only one - but maybe it's the way I go about it that makes people angry - I don't know because no one has ever told me.

I really hate conflict - I saw enough of it growing up - my mum still holds onto the anger and bad memories, my step dad (bless his cotton socks) can have a calming effect. I have enough anger in me to punch an elephants light out, but not the strength to achieve such a thing (not that I would ever dream of punching such a lovely creature as an elephant). All conflict does is make me angry and shake - I hate that feeling as it's overpowering and uncontrollable.

This maybe one of the longest introductory posts ever on this forum and I feel I should apologise for that, but on the other hand, this is the first time I've ever expressed just how I feel - so good and bad.

If you haven't guessed, I could type for England in the Olympics.
 
Get Rid of this ad and join in on the conversation for free today! Tap here!
Last edited:




Top