Hen Do - Need to know if i am overeacting here

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  1. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Hi Ladies. Need some advice please.

    I went to one of my friends hen dos this weekend and it has left a bad taste in my mouth on a number of levels. I need to know if I am overeacting or if I am justified in my anger. Bit of a longish story so please bear with me.

    The hen do was for one of my ex housemates. There was a group of 11 of us going, most of whom I knew, but there was a fairly apparent split in the group from the beginning (not surprising I suppose as most of these things turn out that way).

    No one had loads of money, so when it was organised it was decided we'd do 1 night away, city centre hotel and comedy club, with nightclub afterwards. Booked via one of those events companies. All good

    Last week we got told we were meeting at someones house for breakfast, could we all bring some stuff, and then we were going to out out of lunch at a posh restaurant, before we went and got ready to go out. Bit worried about the finances now as I didn't really factor in the expensive lunch, but managed to figure that out. Then got asked to stump up an extra tenner for some Cava and dressing up the hen. But still, all asked a week before so at least I had a bit of notice.

    The best mans girlfriend was coming with one of her friends (hereon in refered to as the outcasts), but it turns out they did not get told about lunch until the friday evening, so they didn't have the cash for it and had already planned something for the morning, so couldn't make it - but they might join us for drinks. Perfectly understandable as far as I can see as they had not been told about it.

    So, we get to the hotel, which is nowhere near the city centre - a £20 cab ride each way from the city centre. No one is best pleased about that, but not a lot you can do really at this stage, so off we go to lunch.

    The outcasts phone to ask where we are so they can meet for drinks and gets told not to bother as we are leaving soon to cone back to the hotel. Once off the phone the hen starts complaining about how this girl isn't making an effort to come to lunch blah blah blah.

    The hen then fails to tell the outcasts what time they need to be ready to go out in the evening, when they did turn up, doesn't introduce them to anyone (they really only knew me & 1 other person), and then proceeds to ignore them all night, and me as well - as I decided to sit with them. I felt like i had to because they had been made to feel so unwelcome (plus they are both a proper good laugh)

    At the end of the comedy the hen tells me I need to go & get a tenner of both the outcasts for the cava etc (which they did not drink) and it turns out they have not been told about that either. I know neither of them can afford it, and refuse to ask them for it, saying its not fair for them to be expected to pay for stuff like that when they weren't told. Think nothing more of it.

    I left fairly early @ about midnight (not a big drinker anyway so not unexpected), and the outcasts came with me - both very upset about the way the hen had treated them.

    Next morning, I get a phone call from my OH who is on the stag do, asking why I went home early - apparently, the hen has phoned up her fiance and complained that I left at midnight, complained that the outcasts left early and didn't speak to her, and owes a tenner for stuff . It then turns out she put a rude note under the outcasts door asking for the money - they know nothing about this requirement to give over a tenner as no one has told them about it. I managed to retrieve the note before they read it and was planning to have a quiet word with the hen and say it wasn't fair to expect them to pay it, and certainly not on to put the note under the door. I also owed these 2 girls the cab fare home so was going to pay it for them, hopefully without them knowing. Best laid plans and all that - the hen then phoned them up to chase the money before I can have a word with her about it. THe outcasts then ask me whats going on - I told them not to worry, it was all sorted, and then gave the hen the £20.

    The hen then starts moaning at me about how the outcsts got so drunk they had to leave early (not the real reason), and why did I leave so early (I should point out that I actually talked to her and said I was knackered before leaving, and she was fine with it - even made a joke about me staying out as late as I did) so not sure why it was such a problem, but I decided to hold my tongue. In fact, for most people I'd have thrown a few cans of red bull down my neck and soldiered on, but I didn't really see why I should for someone who was acting the way she was.

    I got home on Sunday to find that she has been *****ing to her OH about me & the outcasts, who has then been telling my OH that I didn't make an effort. In total I spent £250 to be basically ignored by one of my supposed best mates, whilst she was rude to 2 of my other mates. At no point did I pull her up on it, or try to explain that she should be spending time with everyone who was there - but somehow I'm the one who didn't make an effort?

    I am so angry about the way she treated both me & my other 2 friends that I do not even want to go to the wedding. But I have no choice at all as my OH is the grooms best friend.

    So - my question - at the end of all that explanation is. Do I have a word with the Hen and get this all off my chest before the wedding, or am I just being a big girls blouse about it?

    Hubby thinks I am not overreacting, but does not think I should say anything to her as it won't help matters.

    For those of you still awake thoughts would be apreciated.

    And I DO really want your honest advice and opinions on this one - please don't sugar coat it.
     
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  3. Claireybella

    Claireybella Gold Member

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    Yes, I would suggest quietly sitting her down, and speaking to her, airing your views and just letting her know how you feel. I think she would prefer this before the wedding day, rather than after. She's probably just so caught up in the moment that she's not even realised that she was behaving this way.
     
  4. JackieN

    JackieN Gold Member

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    I'm not much good at confrontation hands up BUT if you say nothing a) shes got away with being extremely rude b) how are you going be feeling on the day of the wedding? You will be so wound up it will be an awful day for you ((hug))

    I would contact her and tell her you would like to talk to her and clear the air and try to do so very calmly and smiley even if she throws her toys out of the pram

    have another hug as I would hate to be in this situation especially when you are such a lovely person and so do not deserve this.
    xxxxx
     
  5. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

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    I dont think your overreacting, sounds like someones gotten too big for thier wedding shoes!

    How long untill the wedding? is it possible to hold it in and then send her a polite, but firm letter to get it off your chest? (which also means, in writing.. your words cant be twisted or changed when she relays it to friends, which she no doubt will) .. or screw it. Say somthing now, and if she kicks up a fuss about the wedding, your OH will have to go on his own.


    xxxx
     
  6. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    Sorry if I offend, but what a witch!

    Unfortunately, i think this scenario happens once too often. Sounds like she wanted it to be her night, and that she wanted to be the centre of attention, even if that meant stamping her feet and throwing the toys out of the pram.

    How close are you?? Would it bother you if your friendship didn't continue?

    There's a few options:

    1. tell her everything now, clear the air and forget it happened.
    2. Go to the wedding, have a fab time, tell her afterwards (not the same day obviously).
    3. Go to the wedding, don't mention it and carry on as normal.
    4. Go to the wedding and don't contact her afterwards.
    5. Let he know how you feel, don't go to th wedding and cease all contact.

    You have to decide how you'd feel if A, the friendship ended or B, you went to the wedding without saying anything.

    Would you enjoy the day/night or would you feel some resentment and be in a bad mood?

    It really is your call, however I don't think you're overreacting, but like PP's have said, she may not have been aware of her behaviour. xx
     
  7. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Right. If I was in your shoes, and she was a good friend, and the wedding was close, I would bite my tongue, then have it out with her at a later date. If the wedding was awhile away yet, I would have it out with her prior to the wedding. If she wasn't a good friend, more of a wife-of-OH's-friend-who-I-have-to-be-friendly-with, then I would have it out with her prior to the wedding. If she bites back about it, sod it - either avoid the wedding, or go just to annoy her (kinda childish, but oh well). But perhaps she really didn't realise what she was being like. Perhaps it is in her nature to be like that? I have a friend like that, and when we go out, I just roll my eyes and get on with it, as that is what she is like.

    I can understand the diva behaviour on the actual day, as its very stressful. But being a diva on the hen do isn't really on.

    If you are a better person than me, and can hold your tongue, and sweep it under the carpet and forget it, then do that. I personally couldn't, as it would fester in my mind and get 10x worse.
     
  8. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Thanks all - I feel better just for writing it all down tbh, and I glad I am not completely overreacting.

    The groom & my OH have been friends for 20 years, so I do not want to be responsible for any bad blood between them - this is bigger consideration than if I want her as a friend. The wedding is in 3 weeks, so I'm not sure thats enough time for us to clear the air and for her to calm down (i agree she won't like what I have to say, no matter how calmly I say it).

    I'm not willing to ruin anyones wedding by being a miserable old cow, or creating tension beforehand, and alot of my friends will be there, so I should be able to avoid any conflict and have a good time. Hopefully I will have calmed down about it by then myself.

    I think I will talk to her about it when they are back from honeymoon and then see how she reacts. If she reacts really badly, then at least I'm not reaponsible for ruining her wedding day. Even though I'm not sure she deserves that consideration at the moment.
     
  9. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Sounds like a good plan. And you never know, by the time she gets back off her honeymoon you might not feel the need to speak to her about it. Or, she might even contact you to apologise before then, once she too has calmed down.
     
  10. Beegee

    Beegee The Big One

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    Goodness what a nightmare, she sounds awful! You seem to have a very rational plan, I'm not sure I could be so gracious in your position!

    I would probably send her an email something along the lines of - I hear you've been *****ing about me to your OH (worded far nicer than that!), just want to put the record straight before the wedding, say your piece and clarify the situation with the money (which she may not have been fully aware of) and add something like 'I'm sorry things got a bit out of hand / difficult at times' which kind of makes you sound reasonable while at the same time giving you plenty of opportunity to insinuate that she wasn't!

    But don't listen to me, I'm awful in emotional, confrontational situations like this and end up losing far too much sleep over them. I wish I was the kind of person who could just move on, but this would annoy me for years to come, especially if I had made no effort to express my feelings on it. Good luck, it's a horrible position to be in x
     
  11. AnnaFaraday

    AnnaFaraday ..

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    I think you have explained what happened very clearly in your original post. Why not print it out and give it to her? Explain that you are sure that she didn't mean to behave like that, but it is how it seemed to you and the "outcasts".

    I have heard stories before of people arranging to go out or go away in big groups and finding it all much more expensive than they had thought. It is so inconsiderate - people ought to realise that not everyone has money to splurge, and explain exactly what is involved. Awful to go to a night out and then find that you don't have enough money to pay your way.
     
  12. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Why do you think, 2 days after I've got back I'm still agonising about it and trying to figure out if I am being irrational!! I am also completely useless in these situations - I'm good at holding my tongue, and am the last one to cause a ruck at the time (hence me not saying anything over the weekend) but I'm really bad at knowing when and if I should say something. In an ideal world I could very calmly explain why its upset me so much, but in reality I will not be able to do that, and am more likely to end up being the one who apologises!

    The best man has had a word with the groom about his girlfriend feeling left out, and the groom has arranged for them all to go out dinner to try & mend bridges, and to be fair, my main issue with the whole affair was with the way she was treated so hopefully the hen will swallow her pride and apologise. My OH has not said that I felt left out to the groom, and I imagine if he did, then the groom would do the same for us, but neither myself or hubby actually want to make that big a deal of it (plus OH says he's rather not see either of them before the wedding - apparently the groom was a bit of a diva as well on the stag do :))

    Anna - you are totally spot on about the cost of things. I actually earn a fair amount more than the majority of my friends, and am therefore very conscious of this when I arrange anything. My hen night was a Tapas bar in our local town with a fixed price for everyone and no hidden extras for exactly this reason!
     
  13. Cleogin

    Cleogin Silver Member

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    Can i just say fair play to you for taking the higher ground and making an effort where the hen should of done. It would have been much easier for you to have gone along with the Hen's plans, and also ended up excluding the others but you knew that wasn't the right way to be.

    No real advice to offer on what to do....think I might have piped up at the time (can't always hold my tongue)
     
  14. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Thank you hun. I don't want you all to think I'm some kind of saint or anything though. I can be a right old cow with the best of them when I'm in the mood.

    Maybe I should have stayed out a bit longer and made more of an effort to go clubbing, but I really was in such a grump over the whole thing that I wasn't prepared to spend anymore time (or money) on the night.

    On the plus side I wore a dress that finished above my knee for the first time in 8 years and got wolf whistled at (which as a feminist I should be upset about but I'm not even a little bit annoyed by it!!), so not totally a bad night :)
     
  15. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

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    I think you played a blinder!! I also think that no-one deserves to ahve their wedding day ruined by bad feeling. She is being a complete selfish diva, but to be hnest I would gloss over this and let her enjoy the wedding now. Mention it afterward maybe, even perhaps making a joke of what a bridezilla she was, but making your point. What purpose will having it out with ehr serve in all seriousness. SHe is a friend not family, if she acts in a way that you feel you don't want to spend time with ehr, jsut don't spend time with her. Honestly, she wanted to be centre of attention, she was a diva, but probably best left now! Let them enjoy their monent of being centre of attention, if it continues afterward, then stop spending time with them.
     
  16. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    My advice would be not to waste one ounce of energy on it. Not worth the hassle or the upset with the most upset person being you.She obviously has no finer feelings, they probably do not surface that far up her backside !!!

    Do nothing Kingleds, but be happy that now you really know her.

    Behave in a friendly but distant manner, enjoy the wedding with your OH and your friends but do not ponder on this for one minute more because she is not worth it.

    p.s. did you wear that gorgeous sexy dress ?
     
  17. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Hi Sue - yes, wore the dress - though rather bottled it by covering up with a longline carddie ( it was cold!) not sure if anyone got a pic though. Still got a wolf whistle despite the carddie :)
    Will be wearing it to an engagement party in a month or so & hubby will be with me so will make sure a pic is taken then.

    Thanks all for your advice - its good to know that i wasn't being mental & you've all made really good points.
     
  18. kdub24

    kdub24 I Will & I Can!!

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    i got right into that story lol took me ages to read it felt like a book :) lol

    i think you shud leave it til after with the wedding so close and the groom and ur o being so close if i was in this position for the sake of my oh i wud just wait until after just try and be patient and ride it out. have a word after and if she does go mad and be rude then dont ave the time of day for her. then atleast u no u can just not associate herself with her anymore and its tough what her bloke thinks. he shud realise what a cow shes being. then just avoid her thats what i wud do.

    hope that helps

    x
     
  19. kdub24

    kdub24 I Will & I Can!!

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    omg i just read that and alot of it dont make sense lol.

    i think you shud leave it til after, with the wedding so close and the groom and ur other half being so close if i was in this position for the sake of my oh, i wud just wait until after.
    just try and be patient and ride it out. have a word after and if she does go mad and be rude then dont ave the time of day for her. then atleast u no u can just not associate urself with her anymore and its tough what her bloke thinks. he shud realise what a cow shes being. then just avoid her thats what i wud do.

    thats how it was supposed 2 be lol
     
  20. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Gold Member

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    I think it sounds a bit like there was friction about the outcasts coming (whether they should be invited or not) before the event and you got caught in the crossfire.

    I don't think there is much to be gained in trying to sort this out with someone who is likely to be suffering with 'wedding-head'. It's likely to end with a diva tantrum. If anything, perhaps a note in the guise of an apology for the 'misunderstanding', because you've heard through the grapevine that she was upset with you, with an explanation of your side of things. This way she can do likely hissy fit / la la la, then probably show it to someone close to her who will help her see sense and reason through the pink-princess-fog that is obviously stopping her do so independently in the build up to her big day.

    Otherwise, just keep calm and quiet and accept that there are a lot of unreasonable people in the world, and she just happens to be one of them. Go to the wedding and have fun catching up with the outcasts.

    I hate hen dos and am not a big fan of weddings either, mainly because (in my experience) they always bring out the worst in people. xx
     
  21. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    It actually turns out that they went along to make up numbers, as a favour because it needed 10 people each on the stag & hen dos for the stag & hen to go for free! Not sure if that makes it worse or not tbh, but i suppose explains why she wasn't that bothered about them.

    You are a better person than me hun - cos hell will freeze over before i apologise to her, even as a way of getting my point across.

    Agree on dislike of hen do's - this is my first (apart from my own) and i won't be rushing to the next one!!!
     
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