How do we protect her ??

[Starlight]

Not going to the hospital isnt in itself reason to think hes up to no good. Ive had good friends of mine, very good friends who have been in hospital and for one reason or another its been absolutely impossible for me to visit. AND by the other side of the coin, Ive had friends who Ive not felt close enough to go and see. I know when I was in hospital a few years ago, I felt and looked so awful I didnt want people coming up and only my immediate family came to see me for the couple of days then all my pals showed up when I got home. I dont think thats enough to condem him.

But if you do have concerns, which you do, its good you have them now, while everything is ok and you can keep tabs on things. Better that than discovering a shambles later. Sounds like your friend is quite switched on though, let her enjoy his company but keep an eye on things discretely yourself.

Its such a shame more elderly people dont have someone looking out for them the way you are x

 

[fillymum]

We really appreciate your advice. It is valuable to us.

I have just read your response to Paul and he agrees one hundred percent with you.

We are here in the background looking out for her and will make sure she is o.k. We do not care what happens to her house. It should go to her niece so that makes us impartial and having just her well being in our hearts.

The hospital will only release her into our care.

 

[mastiffmum]

Hi Sue,

I have only just read your thread regarding this lady. I worked in a residential care home for over five years and am now a warden for sheltered accomodation and have seen many suspicious scenarious over the years. Obviously things are different in Spain, but my first port of call would be the safeguarding team. I'm not sure if they have such a thing over there, but maybe you could contact Spains equivalent of social services and see if they do have a safeguarding team or a department that deals with vulnerable adults. These people are trained at investigating situations in a very tactful and discreet way.

As so often is the case, those that are abusing the elderley do it in such a way that they remain friends and confidants to gain and maintain their trust. This is not to say that he is financially abusing her, but as my training and experience has taught me, sometimes gut instinct is right.

I do hope that you can get to the bottom of this and the health, happiness and wellbeing of your elderley friend continues.

Good luck x

 

[fillymum]

Thank you for the good advice.

I do not have a clue if we have that type of help here. I would be surprised if we have but I will ask S.S. in the hospital, they have an office there.

On the credit side................ she is doing really well. I am so pleased. I am going to see her later today. I get there about a hour before her lunch comes so I get to see how much she is eating. I then translate the menu choices for the following day for her. The bonus is I get to see her doctor as well and am kept up to date on her progress.
Her house is beginning to sparkle. Paul reckons he should finish it today. We need to keep an eye on it if and when she gets home.

 

[krupskaya]

You and Paul are doing a great job looking after your friend. It really restores my faith in human nature knowing there's people out there like you. Re John, trust your instincts. You're not naturally a suspicious person and the alarm bells are ringing for a reason. Hopefully it's all innocent enough, but it's good you're looking out for her. I really hope things work for you all. Hugs.

 

[fillymum]

Just an update.

Last Friday when I got to the hospital I was met with the bombshell that she was being sent home that afternoon. Why a bombshell ??? Because we work Saturday and Sunday and if we do not work we do not earn. She could not be left on her own in my house with 7 boisterous dogs around apart from which we wanted to look after her not just leave her in a room on her own.
I spoke to her doctor and her nurse and explained the situation. They were adamant she was being discharged and that the hospital is not an old folks home. I agree with them. I have no argument with that.
I got hold of Paul and at 5 we went back to the hospital and took her back to her own house. She is not able to walk well and is still very weak. She was on the phone to John when we got back and she was obviously explaining the situation to him. When she had finished talking I had a word with her about how vulnerable she is to people who might not have her best interests at heart. She clammed up, but John has not been seen since !!!! He was on the phone to her yesterday morning and she was really quite short with him.......result, I hope !!!
We overcame the problem of Saturday and Sunday by getting up at 4.30a.m. arriving at her home by 6a.m. First job was to get her to the toilet which I did whilst Paul started her breakfast. He then got her into bed, nice and warm and cosy and supervised her breakfast to make sure she ate it whilst I made a tasty sandwich for her lunch. We left everything she might need by the side of her bed. Showed her how to use a walking stick if she needed to get to the loo. We left the phone in reach so she could contact us if she needed us.
We were able to arrive at work on time at 7.30a.m.
Paul was back with her by 4.30 p.m. with her evening meal whilst I caught up on things here. He stayed with her for about 3 hours, and so we got through the weekend.
Yesterday felt a doddle compared with the weekend and I spent most of the day with her. I have got her out of bed and am helping her to walk a little more each day. Hopefully she will be able to cope on her own within the next week or two.
Another thing I am going to do is help her to make simple meals that are nutritious and easy to prepare. She was skeletal and suffering from anemia and malnutrition.
Paul has put a microwave in her kitchen and I will encourage her to make baked potatoes with cheese or tuna , I have got her Iceland's sheppards pies etc which she loved, and help her with a more sensible shopping list. Her house is full of junk, she is a hoarder. In her bathroom we counted 85 bottles of shampoo in 2 cupboards !!! She has 100 and odd pairs of shoes!!! 5 clocks on the mantelpiece, 4 in the bedroom, 2 in the bathroom. I could go on forever.
Anyway I am off there today and will do some walking around the house with her because tomorrow I am not going to go. Eek !!! Scary, but I want her mobile and more able by the weekend. Paul will go in the morning on his way to his work and do her breakfast and leave a sandwich for her. He will go back again in the evening and help her prepare her evening meal. If I continue to go everyday and do everything for her she will not begin to look after herself again. It will be hard because I will be worried about her tomorrow, but she has to become independent again.

 

[Happy Holidays]

I'm so glad she is home. You're both such wonderful friends to her, she is so lucky to have you.

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to get her mobile & more independent.

It does seem like John was only after what she has & not a real friend.

What will happen to her when you move back here?

 

[fillymum]

What will happen to her when you move back here?

That is a problem. The niece doesn't want to know and the old lady has no time for the niece.
The bottom line is she isn't really our responsibility though deep down in me is something that makes me accept her as a responsibility. I think I am a bit of a masochist but I can not just walk away from her. Believe me sometimes I want to.
It is very hard and will have to be faced eventually.

 

[Happy Holidays]

I know she's not your responsibility, but I also know how much you help & support her.

I suppose it's not worth worrying about it until you need to.

 

[Beegee]

What an amazing friend you are, she's very lucky to have you both looking out for her and working so hard on her recuperation x

 

[Karen.hat]

a similar thing happened to my grandad about two years back. My grandma was in a home as she had alzheimers my grandad still lived in the marital home and was very independant this girl had watched my grandad going to and from post office saying hi and spending weeks befriending him, she then started calling for a cuppa when she knew no family would be about, then she started telling him her problems and "borrowing" money, there was reports that she'd been banging on the window very late at night and because of the noise neighbours my grandad let her in.
this must have been going on for months eventually she got greedy and her and her friend wanted money and got rather rough with him and shook him up.
when family had eventually found out it turned out she'd had thousands off him in dribs and drabs. There was nothing police could do as they had no proof.
my grandad now lives in a self contained flat in a secure old peoples residence with communal entrance my oldest uncle has control of his finances and he is very happy. it took him a long time to settle back down he lost all confidence.
All i can say is keep a note of dates times phone calls what has been said ect and keep an eye on him you cant report it to the police as you may arrouse his suspicion and theres no telling wheat he wil do. i sincerly hope you work this out for her it sounds like you are a great friend.
some people are vile!!

 

[fillymum]

Karen.hat, thanks for telling me that it only makes my resolve to keep this man away from her even stronger.

I nearly asked about him at his work place yesterday but stopped myself because then he would have been warned about my suspicions. Mind you would that be such a bad thing ??

 

[MadameLaMinx]

Sue, you and your hubby are stars. Not many people would put themselves out like you have been doing for a neighbour. Sad but true.

Have you managed to get in contact with social services? She is clearly struggling and really needs to be under their care. You are doing their job for them and as has been asked, what happens when you sell up? She needs to be under their watchful eye sooner rather than later.

See how it goes with this suspicious chap - he may not be seen for dust now, or he may hold off a while and try and wheedle his way back in. Unless you have something cast iron on him, there is little point in rocking the boat more than absolutely necessary. I would mention him to Social Services though if you get in touch with them because you are worried about her vulnerability.

Do keep us posted.

 

[fillymum]

I have been with her most of today and cleared out the mess on her covered and uncovered terraces. My god this woman is a Magpie and a hoarder !!!! Interesting though.
She greeted me with "I am hungry" Hallelujah !!! It was like music to my ears. I was so pleased. We have had to persuade her to eat until now.
It has been a day of results really . I rang the hospital to see if her missing rings had turned up......... and they have. I felt so happy about that.
She loves the walking frame I got her this morning. It has 4 wheels and has a seat she can sit on if she gets too tired. The seat lifts and she can pop things in it if she wants. She did really well.
Social Services do not work in quite the same way here. They will provide a cleaner twice a week, and someone would pop in Monday to Friday and if there is a fiesta day on the Monday or the Friday they are left all that time unattended.
I spoke to a local charity today who care for the elderly in the community. They will help if need be.
We have had a long talk with her and she now realises that the only option for her is to sell her villa and pay for care.
She has indicated she would like to return to the U.K. with us. I do not know how I feel about that.
I am just home and Paul has gone there now to sort out her evening meal and make sure she is confortable and ready for sleep.

 

[foxychic]

Sue, I just wanted to say that I think you and your husband are amazing to do all this along with working, relocating etc etc as well as the physical and emotional strain this must be causing to you both, and I take my hat off to you.

I have worked in community homecare and some of the things I have seen and heard have been shocking but it just goes to show that there are truly amazing, heartfelt poeple out there and you and your husband are worth your weight in gold.

God bless you both x
​

 

[fillymum]

At last I have seen John !!!!!!

I picked up a friend of the old ladies today and took her to visit.

We passed the gas delivery truck and he was out of, it stood at the side. The friend has seen him before. She too admited to have been very worried about the situation.

Now folks, I like to think I am a fairly intelligent and logical person and I know it is so wrong to judge someone on the way they look, totally wrong, but this man looks sinister, a thug in fact. A real predator.

I know I am really bad for judging him this way but somehow it confirmed all I have thought about him from day one that and the fact that he has not contacted her since she came home from the hospital. DH thinks I scared him off when I phoned him and thanked him for being kind to our friend and telling him that she has a niece who would probably want to thank him as well. He has not been seen or heard if since.

Anyway please forgive me for being so awful.

 

[big bear]

Good on you Sue, you've been so good to this lady. Take Care all of you XX

 

[fillymum]

Thanks Big Bear.

 

[fillymum]

Quick update before I go do her shopping and pick up her best friend to visit her.

I spoke to another friend of hers on Wednesday and she told me that John had phoned her that day saying that we have the old lady locked up and he was not allowed to visit !!! I was extremely upset and very angry. Of course we lock the house when we leave only an idiot would leave it open !!!! How dare he criticize us.
The old lady knows she can have any visitor she wants. We have said just let us know and we will leave you alone to chat. I even went as far as to say "if John wants to visit let us know" her reply was that she only wanted us in the house.
Yesterday she told me John had been to visit but it had been very brief. She is now able to answer the door if anyone calls.
I later found out he had had his own key to get in the house !!!!!!! Yikes !!! How scary is that. She had told Paul that John was angry and had thrown the key down on her bedside table and left. He had let himself in. She didn't tell me that because she knows I would do something about it.
I think she tells a few little porkies.

Naughty lady !!

Perhaps we will have seen and heard the last of him.

Right must rush,

 

[fillymum]

At the risk of being really boring I want to ask for advice once again.

Our elderly friend is improving and feeling much stronger, though still unable to do much for herself. She has allowed Paul to continue cleaning and clearing house and garden and to go to her every day to care for her and her ailing, old cat. I only go 4 times a week now but take her and her friend out for a run in the car and lunch, once a week. Paul goes after he has finished work, does her a hot meal and leaves her something cold for later.

She had agreed that it was time to sell up, the house is too big and inconvenient for her so we have arranged for an estate agent to sell it.

Up to now viewers have been to see the house when I have had her out. Paul has been there to let them in.

Today there are people going to see the house but Paul can not be there so I have to go which means she has to be there.

Last night she phoned me and threw a complete wobbly and was quite rude to me, telling me if she wanted to rot in her own home she would do. She asked me to cancel the visit but calmed down after talking to her for a while. I understand her fear of the unknown and the sadness of leaving her last link with her late husband. It must be terrifying for her.

She really hurt me. I am not looking for medals, but she seems to have forgotten that we have put our lives on hold for her for the last 6 or 7 weeks.

She is still in touch with John who shouted his mouth off to someone that if it had been left to him he would have had S.S. called in and had her put in a home. When I tried to warn her she jumped down my throat in his defence. I know she still speaks to him every day and am sure she has had him round to the house. What she does is of course her business and we can only protect her so much. It worries us that she keeps all contact with him a secret. We hear from someone else about the contact.

I give up. I feel I do not want to do anymore at all for her. Just want to get on with my life. I feel sad that this old lady is going to end up very lonely and penniless. She only has her house, it is her only asset. It should be sold and become a fund to make her last years comfortable and enjoyable. It would be ridiculous for her to die in poverty when she is lucky enough to have such a valuable asset.

The problem is, I know she is still not able to care for herself and no matter how I feel I can not see her struggle. How would she shop, clean, cook, look after the cat etc. etc. We do everything for her.

She has 2 hospital appointments next week and of course it is down to me to take her. No one else has offered. How could I leave her now, even though it means I lose a days work, if I don't work, I do not earn. She needs me as transport, as an interpreter and it would appear as a general dogsbody. There is no sign of John when anything needs doing.

Please try and help me . I am in despair. At the end of my tether.We are worn out trying to run two households and care for her. If she showed any sign what-so-ever that she was happy with what was being done for her it would help a little.

I know I should walk away, but I just can not. I would have it on my conscience for ever if I did.

I am so tired I am weepy and fed up with the constant battle with her. I really want to run away.