Eclipse
Gold Member
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of fridge. Call husband from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get husband to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing together later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get husband to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one vodka to take taste away. Apply band-aid to husband’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Pour another vodka. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Fetch bottle of Vodka. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply Vodka compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and get a new one from the bedroom.
12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve f***ing cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bas***rd’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Vodka. Get husband to drive you to Emergency Department, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes all pill remnants from right eye. Call into furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of fridge. Call husband from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get husband to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing together later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get husband to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one vodka to take taste away. Apply band-aid to husband’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Pour another vodka. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Fetch bottle of Vodka. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply Vodka compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and get a new one from the bedroom.
12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve f***ing cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bas***rd’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Vodka. Get husband to drive you to Emergency Department, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes all pill remnants from right eye. Call into furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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