LightRaven
What doesn't kill me.....
Hey Guys...seems like it's my turn to beat myself up. :cry:
I blew my diet in two days. Ayleigh had gotten sick thursday night... she came home from school coughing.. every 10 seconds.. coughing. Even though she's been on all her allergy meds, and all her asthma meds for atleast two months strong... her asthma kicked in with a vengance. I was up with her all night... sleeping for an hour here.... an hour there.. mostly giving her treatments to get the coughing under control, but it wouldn't budge. She was coughing so much that she would throw up. On Friday, I called out of work to take her to the doctor and....
He wasn't going to be in that day. This happened last time that these coughing sprees happen. I really could go off on her doctor right now. But I don't have the energy. It's bad enough she was sick.. but she was going to be going with her father for two days starting today.. I needed her to be better because he's horrible with the medications unless she is actually showing signs of sickness.
Anyway... I started thursday as usual... but then by the afternoon, when I slipped out of the house to get her prescriptions filled (the Dr. called some in after a phone consultation) I picked up a bottle of water at the pharmacy and then saw a cadbury cream egg... love them. Figured it wouldn't hurt.
I scarfed it down instead of enjoying it like I should have. And when I got home it didn't stop there. Infact.. I can't even remember what I ate!!! But I know it was alot. I think it started with some potato salad and ended in a donut. :copon: And there were things in between.. and it happened so fast.. in a period of like 10 mins because I had to get back upstairs to see how Ayleigh was napping.
I knew what was happening all along. And I knew I would later regret it. I knew it was going to reflect on the scales. And I knew how I would feel afterwards. And even though I knew how I would feel afterwards and there would be repercusions... in those ten minutes... I didn't care.
It didn't much end today either. After I got on the scales this morning and saw a negligable loss (.8 lbs) it was like a bomb went off. I wasn't expecting anything different, infact, I thought it would have been much worse. I am retaining some water from all the salt I consumed... A loss is still a loss didn't even cross my mind. i knew my loss would have been so much more had I not completely blown it. And so the bingeing continued today. I even had soda.. my most downfall of downfalls.
Ayleigh is doing so much better today, and I was confortable handing her over to her father... but I was on a collision course regardless. There is a difference between a slipup and a two day free for all.
There is something that gets triggered in me when she is sick. I can't stand it. I can't stand to she her suffer... I can't stand her obnoxious doctor and his attitude that I'm an idiot. I can't stand that she always seems to get sick when I am needed most at work, when she's about to go leave and stay with her father for a few days... or during the weekends when her doctor is not available. (I imagine he's playing golf.. i really do) I just feel so helpless, my poor baby girl... and it drives me absolutely insane that no matter what I do.. it never helps, or it's never the right thing.
There is not another single stressor out there that affects me this way. Work is extremely stressful right now.. we are growing and expanding faster than we can get people hired. Orders fly in and I'm constantly racing the clock to fill them and get them shipped out. I placed over 1000 orders last month... when in march of 08, we only took 450 orders. And the most orders we've ever done was 800. And yet, after a stressful day at work.. I don't go home and want to eat the entire kitchen sink. Things are stressful at home... my brother and his wack job alcoholic girlfriend and their out of control daughter are constantly at it. There is constant tension in this house... but I don't want to empty a bag of chips to get over it....
But the minute Ayleigh's breathing is off, i go to pieces inside. And i don't know how to control it. :break_diet:It's like I cannot take care of myself when she is like this. All of my efforts go into making her better and I cannot be bothered with eating correctly... because she needs me more than i need myself.
:cry:
Oi....
LR
I blew my diet in two days. Ayleigh had gotten sick thursday night... she came home from school coughing.. every 10 seconds.. coughing. Even though she's been on all her allergy meds, and all her asthma meds for atleast two months strong... her asthma kicked in with a vengance. I was up with her all night... sleeping for an hour here.... an hour there.. mostly giving her treatments to get the coughing under control, but it wouldn't budge. She was coughing so much that she would throw up. On Friday, I called out of work to take her to the doctor and....
He wasn't going to be in that day. This happened last time that these coughing sprees happen. I really could go off on her doctor right now. But I don't have the energy. It's bad enough she was sick.. but she was going to be going with her father for two days starting today.. I needed her to be better because he's horrible with the medications unless she is actually showing signs of sickness.
Anyway... I started thursday as usual... but then by the afternoon, when I slipped out of the house to get her prescriptions filled (the Dr. called some in after a phone consultation) I picked up a bottle of water at the pharmacy and then saw a cadbury cream egg... love them. Figured it wouldn't hurt.
I scarfed it down instead of enjoying it like I should have. And when I got home it didn't stop there. Infact.. I can't even remember what I ate!!! But I know it was alot. I think it started with some potato salad and ended in a donut. :copon: And there were things in between.. and it happened so fast.. in a period of like 10 mins because I had to get back upstairs to see how Ayleigh was napping.
I knew what was happening all along. And I knew I would later regret it. I knew it was going to reflect on the scales. And I knew how I would feel afterwards. And even though I knew how I would feel afterwards and there would be repercusions... in those ten minutes... I didn't care.
It didn't much end today either. After I got on the scales this morning and saw a negligable loss (.8 lbs) it was like a bomb went off. I wasn't expecting anything different, infact, I thought it would have been much worse. I am retaining some water from all the salt I consumed... A loss is still a loss didn't even cross my mind. i knew my loss would have been so much more had I not completely blown it. And so the bingeing continued today. I even had soda.. my most downfall of downfalls.
Ayleigh is doing so much better today, and I was confortable handing her over to her father... but I was on a collision course regardless. There is a difference between a slipup and a two day free for all.
There is something that gets triggered in me when she is sick. I can't stand it. I can't stand to she her suffer... I can't stand her obnoxious doctor and his attitude that I'm an idiot. I can't stand that she always seems to get sick when I am needed most at work, when she's about to go leave and stay with her father for a few days... or during the weekends when her doctor is not available. (I imagine he's playing golf.. i really do) I just feel so helpless, my poor baby girl... and it drives me absolutely insane that no matter what I do.. it never helps, or it's never the right thing.
There is not another single stressor out there that affects me this way. Work is extremely stressful right now.. we are growing and expanding faster than we can get people hired. Orders fly in and I'm constantly racing the clock to fill them and get them shipped out. I placed over 1000 orders last month... when in march of 08, we only took 450 orders. And the most orders we've ever done was 800. And yet, after a stressful day at work.. I don't go home and want to eat the entire kitchen sink. Things are stressful at home... my brother and his wack job alcoholic girlfriend and their out of control daughter are constantly at it. There is constant tension in this house... but I don't want to empty a bag of chips to get over it....
But the minute Ayleigh's breathing is off, i go to pieces inside. And i don't know how to control it. :break_diet:It's like I cannot take care of myself when she is like this. All of my efforts go into making her better and I cannot be bothered with eating correctly... because she needs me more than i need myself.
:cry:
Oi....
LR