I blew it!!

Discussion in 'SlimFast' started by LightRaven, 5 April 2009 Social URL.

  1. LightRaven

    LightRaven What doesn't kill me.....

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    Hey Guys...seems like it's my turn to beat myself up. :cry:

    I blew my diet in two days. Ayleigh had gotten sick thursday night... she came home from school coughing.. every 10 seconds.. coughing. Even though she's been on all her allergy meds, and all her asthma meds for atleast two months strong... her asthma kicked in with a vengance. I was up with her all night... sleeping for an hour here.... an hour there.. mostly giving her treatments to get the coughing under control, but it wouldn't budge. She was coughing so much that she would throw up. On Friday, I called out of work to take her to the doctor and....

    He wasn't going to be in that day. This happened last time that these coughing sprees happen. I really could go off on her doctor right now. But I don't have the energy. It's bad enough she was sick.. but she was going to be going with her father for two days starting today.. I needed her to be better because he's horrible with the medications unless she is actually showing signs of sickness.

    Anyway... I started thursday as usual... but then by the afternoon, when I slipped out of the house to get her prescriptions filled (the Dr. called some in after a phone consultation) I picked up a bottle of water at the pharmacy and then saw a cadbury cream egg... love them. Figured it wouldn't hurt.

    I scarfed it down instead of enjoying it like I should have. And when I got home it didn't stop there. Infact.. I can't even remember what I ate!!! But I know it was alot. I think it started with some potato salad and ended in a donut. :copon: And there were things in between.. and it happened so fast.. in a period of like 10 mins because I had to get back upstairs to see how Ayleigh was napping.

    I knew what was happening all along. And I knew I would later regret it. I knew it was going to reflect on the scales. And I knew how I would feel afterwards. And even though I knew how I would feel afterwards and there would be repercusions... in those ten minutes... I didn't care.

    It didn't much end today either. After I got on the scales this morning and saw a negligable loss (.8 lbs) it was like a bomb went off. I wasn't expecting anything different, infact, I thought it would have been much worse. I am retaining some water from all the salt I consumed... A loss is still a loss didn't even cross my mind. i knew my loss would have been so much more had I not completely blown it. And so the bingeing continued today. I even had soda.. my most downfall of downfalls.

    Ayleigh is doing so much better today, and I was confortable handing her over to her father... but I was on a collision course regardless. There is a difference between a slipup and a two day free for all.

    There is something that gets triggered in me when she is sick. I can't stand it. I can't stand to she her suffer... I can't stand her obnoxious doctor and his attitude that I'm an idiot. I can't stand that she always seems to get sick when I am needed most at work, when she's about to go leave and stay with her father for a few days... or during the weekends when her doctor is not available. (I imagine he's playing golf.. i really do) I just feel so helpless, my poor baby girl... and it drives me absolutely insane that no matter what I do.. it never helps, or it's never the right thing.

    There is not another single stressor out there that affects me this way. Work is extremely stressful right now.. we are growing and expanding faster than we can get people hired. Orders fly in and I'm constantly racing the clock to fill them and get them shipped out. I placed over 1000 orders last month... when in march of 08, we only took 450 orders. And the most orders we've ever done was 800. And yet, after a stressful day at work.. I don't go home and want to eat the entire kitchen sink. Things are stressful at home... my brother and his wack job alcoholic girlfriend and their out of control daughter are constantly at it. There is constant tension in this house... but I don't want to empty a bag of chips to get over it....

    But the minute Ayleigh's breathing is off, i go to pieces inside. And i don't know how to control it. :break_diet:It's like I cannot take care of myself when she is like this. All of my efforts go into making her better and I cannot be bothered with eating correctly... because she needs me more than i need myself.

    :cry:

    Oi....

    LR
     
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  3. sherby

    sherby Full Member

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    I am not doing SF at the moment but I feel I had to respond to this post.

    First of all I am sorry to hear about your baby being ill but I am glad she is feeling better. Please do not beat yourself up about having a two day binge. It is not the end of the world. I have done many. Secondly after everything you have been through you deserve it. You needed it, you did it now let it go and carry on. I think anyone in your position would have done the same, I know I would.

    You are a lovely person I can tell by your threads. Take a few deep breaths in and out....go on lol and tell yourself you are beautiful, you are in control and you can do it. Go on and you will.

    Take one step at a time and welcome each day with positivity. Go on girl you can do it.

    (((hugs))) Sherby xx
     
  4. Sass

    Sass Silver Member

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    Hi LR

    Just wanted to send you some big :hug99:'s, all i can say is you have indeed come up against your food trigger and yes you have had a blow out but you are only human and these things happen, they happen to me lots :)

    sending big huggggssss for you lr.

    ps.0.8lb is still a loss so congratulations on that :happy096:
     
  5. Tiitanium

    Tiitanium Gold Member

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    thankyou for sharing this with us , i hope you feel better about yourself soon & hey we are all human hun x you can pick yourself up & try again.. x
     
  6. sparkelwings

    sparkelwings in my dreams!!!!!!

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    hi lr, so sorry to hear about ayleigh ill again, it must be a tough time for you. its awful when your kids are ill you just want to take their place :wave_cry:

    as for the cadbury's egg, god they're my favourite :gimi: how did you stop at 1? i'm guesssing that it was that first thing to start you on that downward roll. for me it seems to be i have a taste of something real good and i'm off the diet just like that but when i'm sticking to it am fine :sigh:

    don't beat yourself up over your 2 day food fest, things happen. look at what you have achieved since you've started and how pleased you were in another thread about the difference in the steering wheel :D and that this isn't such a big deal. get back on it when you can lr and steer clear of them damn eggs! by the way, do you eat with a spoon or finger? if i'm trying to savour it will use little finger or craving choccie totm will shove in whole :8855:
     
  7. LightRaven

    LightRaven What doesn't kill me.....

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    Thanks for the encouragement guys. I appreciate it.

    Today was better, but I wasn't 100%. I never really am anyways, but I try to keep it under control and to a minimum. I do still feel really really deflated about yesterday/Friday. It's almost like when you wake up from a really vivid or disturbing dream, the mood follows you for the rest of the day. But I kept busy to keep my mind out of the Fridge. I decided to strip down my bedroom and get rid of all the dust bunnies so they can't bother ayleigh :) And I donated 5 bags of clothes :)

    Sparkel.. I just eat them. like... chomp chomp...They aren't big enough for a spoon.. and too sticky to be sticking my fingers in.. I wonder if yours are bigger than the ones here. :confused: And I only ate one because that's all i bought. :8855:

    LR
     
  8. Sass

    Sass Silver Member

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  9. Lind

    Lind Is feeling the love!

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    LR, I know exactly what you mean. When my son is poorly it throws me completly. I want to do anything I can to make him better and it upsets me that I can't make it all go away instantly.
    I used to smoke when he was poorly and that would stress me out even more because I knew I shouldn't be doing it and yet I couldn't stop doing it.
    Your 2 days sounds like one of the triggers that started me on my diet.
    My GP told me my blood pressure was very high and it was my own fault. Those were her words!! She said if I didn't give up smoking and loose weight I would probably have a stroke. So I went home and binged, like you I couldn't remember what I had eaten but there was cooking chocolate in there somewhere.
    Even now when Eddie is poorly I go into some sort of panic and my mind shuts down and everything seems wrong.
    At the end of the day you put all your efforts into your daughter and it paid off because she could go to her fathers, you got her perscription sorted and you gave her all your attention. I admire you!
     
  10. LightRaven

    LightRaven What doesn't kill me.....

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    Aw Lind, thanks. :)

    Ayleigh got cleared by her doctor today and said she sounded good. (on a side note, he didn't talk to me like a blithering idiot today.. but I think it was because her father was present. Retarded old fashioned Dr!)

    I'm still not being as good on my diet as I usually am. Not that I'm ever 100%, but it was working for me. There are just some things that I am not in control of yet. Like:

    When I am having my real meal (what you guys call tea.. but is dinner here) I'm not entirely conscious of what I am eating... what everything tastes like. I'm the first one done out of everyone. Many times I am really really hungry by the time dinner is ready... but tonight, I wasnt' because I had a late snack.. and I still ate as if it was my last meal in the world. And wanted more after that. I don't know how to control that. I don't know how to slow it down. Usually I'm scolding Ayleigh and trying to get her to eat her dinner and to stop playing. It's like, I need to eat lickety split in order to concentrate on what she's eating.

    Blah.. I have more to say but I'm TIRED! :8855:

    LR
     
  11. sparkelwings

    sparkelwings in my dreams!!!!!!

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    hi lr, i know ywhat you mean about dinner/tea, i think its cos we think about actually eating a meal all day long and are so ready for it that we just gobble it up rather than savouring each bite, go figure!

    i've read that you are supposed to chew each mouthful about 20 odd times (which would def make it last longer but also go cold lol) and there's no way i could do that. i do have a couple of glasses of water before and after though to try to fill up on that, have my chocci bar and then a coffee to finish off.

    i'm always telling my youngest son to hurry up and eat his food at teatime cos he takes forever and is usually cold before he finishes and i'm the exact opposite lol perhaps i should take a leaf out of his book?
     
  12. LightRaven

    LightRaven What doesn't kill me.....

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    I dunno Sparkel... do you think we are damaging our kids' image of eating if we are alway hurrying them through meals? Perhaps our parents hurried us through meals and we are the result?

    I mean, seriously, there have been times where it's taken Ayleigh a good 45 mins + to eat dinner.. she gets caught up in watching TV or arguing with her cousin... She would never finish if I didn't nag. But maybe I'm just setting her up for her own weigh issues when she gets older. :-/ meh.

    LR
     
  13. Lind

    Lind Is feeling the love!

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    I have tried really hard not to give Eddie my eating habits.

    I have my main meal at lunch time now and then Eddie has his tea with his dad. That way I can keep him concerntrated on what he's eating and I don't gulp mine down. But at weekends we all sit down together at the dining table. he eats his dinner well then, maybe I should do that all the time! lol

    LR, glad your daughter is ok now, and you will get your diet back on track. :D
     
  14. LightRaven

    LightRaven What doesn't kill me.....

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    Really, I don't know what I;m passing on to Ayleigh. I really haven't paid alot of attention. Maybe I should start analyizing what I do and how we eat.... hmm..

    LR
     
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