I came across an old diary .. O/T x

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Maintenance' started by JanD, 5 August 2010 Social URL.

  1. JanD

    JanD maintaining since June'09

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    I came across an old diary and thought I'd share some of it with you ......

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader over 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
    named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess.

    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
    skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
    Very inspiring!

    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
    ________________________________

    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
    It's a whole new life for me.
    _______________________________
    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh1t too.
    ______________________________
    THURSDAY:

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, her thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an
    hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b1tch to find me.

    Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    _______________________________
    FRIDAY:

    I hate that b1tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
    human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
    director?
    ________________________________
    SATURDAY:

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
    wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even
    use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
    Channel.

    _______________________________
    SUNDAY:

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh1t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


    :giggle: xx
     
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  3. Scotsmist

    Scotsmist Life is not a Rehersal!

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    :8855::8855::8855:

    What I needed on a Thursday morning, BRILL JAN!! Absolutely brill..glad I am in an office on my own because I laughed out loud :)!!!

    Yes, you and exercise are not friends at all ;-)! hahahaha
     
  4. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    :rotflmao: ........ Jan this isnt your actual diary is it?!!!!!!!!!!!

    I love the last bit about if god wanted me to bend over he'd have sprinkled the floor with diamonds! :giggle:
     
  5. JanD

    JanD maintaining since June'09

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    Glad you enjoyed it Iris and TANYA!! P - leeeeeeease!! You didn't really think it might have been an actual diary now did you!! ;) xx
     
  6. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    *cough* ..... :eek: I didn't actually think it was yours but it could've been someones ...... :giggle: :rolleyes:
     
  7. Scotsmist

    Scotsmist Life is not a Rehersal!

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    Oh, I thought it was!!!!!! hahah.......now what does that say about me then :)
     
  8. JanD

    JanD maintaining since June'09

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    :banghead: :giggle: xx
     
  9. kered

    kered Gold Member

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    LOL.........love it.......oooh that reminds me, I have to start my couch to 5k again - sigh!!
     
  10. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    Welcome back ......:rolleyes: :rotflmao:
     
  11. Theresa6

    Theresa6 Silver Member

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    PMSL!! I so should be in bed!!

    Tanya, are you following a plan for the couch to 5k? Is it online? Thinking of trying a 5k walk/jog (if I can) at the end of sept!
     
  12. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    Hey chick. Yeah i am. Its called couch to 5k and i downloaded the free podcasts by Robert Ullery :) Its brill. It's online just type in a search

    Rober Ullery couch to 5k mp3 downloads and it should be the first page result x
     
  13. 10st10lbs

    10st10lbs Gold Member

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    :8855: <- is what I would be doing right now but I'm too tired to get on the floor and roll :eek:

    That was hilarious though :D xxx
     
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