• Upgrades have been completed! Including conversations, 😁😎🏀⚾⚽ Emojis and more.. Read more



i did it....now to management. uhoh.

FennyS

Full Member
#1
OK,
I feel very self indulgent and big headed starting my own diary.
But even if no one ever reads it, it will keep me accountable. And I NEED to be accountable.
So, I have done 16 weeks of pure LLT abstinence, no cheating at all.
I have not eaten for 4 months. This to me, is amazing, am so proud of myself.
4 months ago I was depressed and unhappy. I felt fat and I looked disgusting. I had no confidence and felts like I was not in control.
Now.....I am happy. My clothes fit. I am at GOAL weight and I feel like I deserve it.

I am a binge eater. I start feeling bad about myself and so I eat (whole packets of hob nobs, whole tubs of choc chip cookie dough ice cream, whole boxes of bran flakes). And then I feel like a failure, like I am worth nothing and so I eat more.
This cycle made me DEPRESSED. It was horrible.

Today I start RTM. I am going to have a piece of salmon this evening.....and honestly? I am scared.
I'm used to LL packs, I feel safe with them. And I'm scared some food will give me the 'compulsion' to overeat. But if LL taught me anything its that these are crooked thoughts (horrid things). I will not overeat, I will get a healthy relationship with food (if that exists) and I will have a balanced diet. This is the dream!

I have never posted on mini mins before.....but if anyone reads this then can I just say thanks. Every time I have lost motivation (a lot!) I have come on here to read your posts. Minerva, BL, slendabrenda.....you are all like celebrities to me!
All of you have been an inspiration.
 
Get Rid of this ad and join in on the conversation for free today! Tap here!

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#2
o.o !

Hello my dear :) First of all - well done on reaching your goal!! That is such a massive achievement in itself!! :D

Second of all - I know how you feel. I do. When I reached goal the first time, I went into some sort of fear spiral. The weight loss became something to protect so dearly that I lost any ability to enjoy my life. I'm a binge eater too - which actually developed to a hightened degree after LL. But like yourself - I used food for punishment... still do to some degree, binge eating is something that is quite hard to "cure"... We do hate ourselves on some days and the drive to do that personal damage feels like an obsession. It's a secret ritual.

It takes such a long time to come to terms with it all - especially after abstinence. Packs are a safety blanket... but, coming here and talking about it - taking the first step of making a diary, will help. I'm proud of you for taking this step. :) We can all be here for you.

At this point you are ultra aware of your responses to food and why you do it, but also please be aware of how the chemicals within have an effect. After 4 months on packs your body will and can go into overdrive - ESPECIALLY from minute amounts of sugar in fruit (I suggest stay away from grapes and citrus fruits when fruit is introduced) - have a look for low-sugar fruit like apples to start off with... And have low-carb things until you build up your tolerance a bit.

Slow and steady wins the race. I found on my RTM the second time around that repeating weeks was beneficial and it helped me maintain weight for quite a while.

Thank you so much for your kind mention - but look at us all - we all "failed" - we regained some weight. BUT - it's not a failure really, but a LEARNING curve. If you fall off once or twice, don't bury your head in the sand, get up, dust off and keep moving forward. :) Life doesn't stop and neither should you!

:bighug:

xx
 

Tash0088

Full Member
S: 15st0lb C: 12st0lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 29.8 Loss: 3st0lb(20%)
#3
Wow Fenny, that is incredible. First of all, congratulations on reaching your goal, and well done on all your hard work!

I have to say, reading your post, that I have exactly the same worries about food, although I am still a couple of months away from a real meal. I suppose I worry that if I'm allowed a little bit of something I will 'allow' myself to have as much as I like, a VERY crooked way of thinking. Of course, if moderating how much I eat was one of my strong points, I wouldn't be here in the first place! :)

The things you've learnt over the last 16 weeks are invaluable, and now it's time to put it all into practice!

I wish you the best of luck! :)
 

Mini

Administrator
Staff member
S: 18st2lb C: 15st13lb G: 11st2lb Loss: 2st3lb(12.2%)
#4
:welcome2:
Congratulations and well done Fenny on achieving your goal weight.:happy096:

Wishing you all the best with management!
 

FennyS

Full Member
#5
Goodness, thank you all so much for your replies. They were amazing and very motivational.
I WILL be fine this evening. Have been to tesco and got a piece of salmon which I am going to have plain. I will SIT AT A TABLE today and ENJOY it.
Have just been to haidressers, today is treat day as afternoon off work! And got my hair extensions taken out (I got them put in pre LL as a way to make myself feel less fat and ugly - thought it would detract from the weight I put on my face! I'm crazy). But now they are out and I feel much more 'me'.

Minerva- your an angel. I honestly think you should be a LL counsellor, you have personal experience, so much empathy and ALWAYS say the right thing!
You have not failed, you have learnt. Being a binge eater is HARD and I don't think you can ever be 'cured'. I'm not sure how much LL counselling helped me but my GP has referred me for individual CBT so fingers crossed.

Tash- thanks for your lovely words and encouragement. Gorgeous! How far along are you? How are you finding it?

And mini- thank you for your congratulations. I will deserve them even more after RTM.

I am going to take RTM one day at a time. But have been planning future diet (obsessed with recipe books!) And think I'm going to do 'sugar busters'....cutting out refined sugar, potatoes and white carbs. I think this is best for me. As I can NOT have 1 biscuit, 1 bowl of cereal, 1 cake. So I will take them out of the equation completely.

Going to put my salmon in in a min, eat at 6 ish I think.....ahhhhhhh!
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#6
How was your salmon escapade Fenny? :) Yay for 'shedding' an old you symbolically with the hair extensions as well :D It doesn't sound crazy at all - we all do things like that, I used to wear layers of clothes when I was big to try to cover up my flab, even though it had the effect of making me look even bigger. :confused: Weird logic. When I was 14/15 I used to be a size 20 - wore this long black coat from Evans at school even in the summer. A tent to protect myself ... or something. I looked atrocious!! But - we do silly things to make us feel safer I guess...

I loooove reading/watching cooking shows... it's what is called "food porn" on a VLCD. You don't want to eat it, but it gives some sort of pleasure... not sure why exactly, but hey, I'm not complaining. :D

I totally agree on the sugar front. I actually cut sugar out to a very large degree from my life even before the VLCD re-start this January. For the last two years I have not had chocolate/sweets/cake etc (except maybe once every few months for special occasion) and have to say - I do not miss it!! I consider sugar a poison - it has awful addictive qualities. I remember after VLCD in 2010, when I had sugary foods two days in a row, I suddenly developed a mania, I was like a heroin addict, blindly seeking more. It was REALLY scary. I was HUNGRY for it, ratty if I didn't get it, it was ALL I could think about - nothing else mattered.

While you do RTM, do avoid sugary fruit (as I mentioned earlier :)) and carbohydrate heavy things for a while - you'll feel a lot more in control over your binge behaviour. With a predisposition such as this (and I can totally relate to eating loaves of bread, tubes of biscuits, followed by bags of chips in ONE SITTING) - it's a very good idea to keep check on what items trigger this. It's not purely emotional - it is chemical too. :)

That is not to say that I do not binge anymore. I do. BUT - I know why I do (usually stress and anxiety). When I do - I choose vegetables, fruit. They fill me up and don't do damage to haunt me for days/weeks to come. The main thing though is to work on the emotional bit. Work out why it happened. And also learn not to make it a big deal. I generally move on and try not to beat myself about it. :) I'm still human, I'm not perfect. These things happen - and it would be worse.
LL counselling really is hit and miss, isn't it? I found a lot of it to be quite irrelevant and sometimes the quality of the information is counsellor dependent (some of them are AWFUL!). I'm glad you're taking it one step further and going for a GP referral :) All of this is coming from something deep down - it's really not about weight or food at all! :D

:hug99:

Sorry this message is quite disjointed - my brain is a bit fried with all the university studying... :eek:
 

FennyS

Full Member
#7
Well salmon was....SUCH an anti climax!
After all that worrying. Sat down to eat it, expecting fireworks or binge mania...and NOTHING. I liked it, but honestly I probably would have preferred a vanilla shake (never thought I'd say that).
But am pleased with myself. Have passed my first day of rtm and all was gravy, baby.
3 things I achieved today:
Eating salmon s.l.o.w.l.y. Put my fork down between each bite and actually tasted it.
Contacting 2 of my friends (pre ll when I was very down and had put on 4 stone I literally cut all my friends out my life, I didn't want them to see me and I was too down to talk to them. Today I made contact, they were still there waiting so I'm very lucky)
Working with a new family (I'm a family support coordinator) who I met today and think we can do brilliantly for.

Minerva- thanks for advice.
How is your journey going?
I completely agree about the sugar, it's like a drug and makes me ridico manic as well. Horrid stuff (but soooo tempting)
 

FennyS

Full Member
#8
Day 2. Whoop.
I got through it. And I had a brilliant day.
Work was fab, met with a brilliant autistic charity who I'm going to do joint work with. I am taking on a few of their cases and can't wait. Am going to start running a social skills group for the children which I used to do and used to love.
I decided to have cottage cheese today and did enjoy it. I did feel a bit anxious in tesco....wasn't used to actually making choices!
Also, I thought about food a bit more today- too much freedom I fear.
This afternoon I ran my weekly dance and movement class for young people with disabilities, we had lots of fun as usual and it means I don't think about food at all. Relief.

BUT totes stuck to plan and very proud of myself.
Spoke to my mum about plans and we have decided to join the gym in 2 weeks time. This will be the first time I have done any exercise since LL so hoping it will help me maintain (also am ridico unfit and may collapse on cross trainer).

So for today's achievements:
On plan. And have now done TWO days rtm.
Got a lot crossed off my to do list so feeling quite productive.
Am v pleased with how job is going (have only been doing it for 2 weeks- used to work solely with children with disabilities now work with families).

Tomorrow should be a good day, looking after my niece and nephew in the morning, sewing in the afternoon, mum and grandma coming round for Britain's got talent fest.
And am having TUNA......could life get any better?!!
 

FennyS

Full Member
#9
So quickly for day 3.
I had tuna and it was quite delicious.
Lots of family things today and bit of drama...but did not 'want to eat' because of it. Hallelujah.
I am feeling quite low energy today, weak and tired like the first few weeks on total. But having salad and bit of milk tomorrow so hopefully better (omg. A cup or tea. - am a poet!)
3 achievements-
Had my porridge pack then didn't think about food once till 2 when I had my carbonara pack.
Went charity shop shopping with my grandma and had lovely time together.
Cooked meal for my mum and granny. Treacle tart for pudding. Didn't fancy it at all.

Car boot sale tomorrow and then to the park with the kids. Hopefully weather better and I will have more energy.
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#10
I'm really glad you seem to be doing well, analysing every step of the way. :) Well done.

Have fun at the car boot tomorrow, I hope you'll find some bargains! :D
 
#11
Day 4.
Had a cup of chai tea with mailk and 1 sweetener. Best. Thing. Ever.
Really good day, busy so didn't really think about food (which is so nice. I will have days where I feels like food consumes all my thoughts).
Had chicken salad with balsamic vinegar which was delicious. Ate v slowly (took me about 20 mins to finish it) and consciously. Felt really great and felt in CONTROL.

Think after LL I will still continue to drink lots of water...maybe not 3l but will aim for 2.5 each day (hopefully will pee less as its ridico).

3 achievements of today:
Had lovely morning with my sisters kids, had more energy so got to actually enjoy playing.
Lots of walking (car boot sale was amazing)
Felt happy alone (am sat in flat on own this eve and feel happy. This is massive for me as usually being alone makes me binge or feel v low)

So looking forward to tomorrow. Busy busy day at work. Lots of things to do. And salmon salad for tea. Delicious.

Wish I could bottle up this feeling of peace and control and save it for when things get harder...,
 
#12
Not much to report.
Lovely salmon salad, tho was watching TV at the same time (have new obsession- madmen) and ate it quite quickly. Will not do that again.
Feeling good, very full after meal and vanilla pack.
Weigh I'm tomorrow eve (I had to swap my meetings round). And am allowed dairy and snacky bits on Thursday.
I think I will only add in one Greek yoghurt, at the same time as my lunch as do not want to add in snack times.
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#13
Snacking is evil! To be honest, even after VLCD way back when, I kept to 3 meals per day sort of routine and it works well. We don't really need snacks in the day if we eat a good hearty (but calorie controlled to some degree!) meal at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's something I find helps to balance things out nutritionally as well as keep a routine without spiralling things into a chaotic mad place where everything goes!

I do recommend Total 0% - as it's the lowest carb and highest protein option on the market. It's pricy, but oh so worth it. Very filling as many of the other yoghurts in the shops are full of hidden carbs and sugar and god knows what!


:)
 
#14
Had meeting this eve....lost 3lb. Can't believe it. I have been such a slow loser since week 8 (only 1 ish pound a week) so this was a surprise.
Have decided to start week 2 on Thursday but only adding 1 Greek yoghurt (thanks for tip Minerva) and peppers/cucumber to salad.
I will do this for 2 weeks to get used to the food and because I'm quite enjoying it and don't want to move too fast in case I get anxious.

All in all a good day and very positive meeting.
Early night as early start for work tomorrow.
Sweet dreams.
 
#15
My ll meeting last night was really good.
We started the communication module.
We thought about what changes we could make and how we could do them.
I decided that I needed to change my anxiety around bingeing, as being worried about it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.
So I have made 3 steps to my plan.
First- I have written out a card with 10 positive affirmations about myself. I will read this twice a day.
Second- I am going to print out a large copy of my 'before' and 'after' photo as I need to celebrate my successes. I have done well' and I need to realise this.
Thirdly- I am going to read Beck (who ll forums seem to love!) And complete her 6 week programme.
I hope that these will help me remain focused and get more confidence in myself and my ability not to binge and not to put the weight back on. I need to trust myself.
 
#16
I have had my 3 packs today and my dinner (salmon with lettuce and spinach) but I feel like I have failed and overeaten. I know this is a crocked thought because I have stuck to plan.
But I feel full, really bloated and scared to weigh myself in the morning.
I think things are moving too fast - as supposed to start stage 2 tomorrow and getting anxious about introducing yoghurt.
Also I had 2 cups of tea today (well within my allotted milk) but that's made me feel 'off plan'.

I think I'm just anxious about putting on weight- - which was so hard to lose. But I KNOW that rtm works and that I am sticking to it.
I think I will have a yogurt tomorrow but nmo milk in my tea. And just a ham salad for dinner (no extra veg from week 2 list).
Then on Saturday I will reassess.
Good, plan of action.
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#17
Don't panic. I know what you're feeling.. I do. But just think about it rationally - usually when I'm faced with feeling like I've failed after eating things well within my allotted allowance, I go back to basics and count the calories. Once I get some control back knowing how MUCH I'd eaten and can see logically that it's FINE, it really calms me down.
You WILL feel bloated because you're so used to feeling empty for so long. It's kind of ... comforting in a way, that emptiness.

If worried continue with this step of the Route to Management until you are comfortable with it. No one is forcing you to move onto Stage 2 tomorrow. Don't. :) Keep with this until you are ok with it. You are your own boss!

x
 
#18
Worked through my anxieties today, had a long drive for work and meant I could have lots of reflection time. Put adult head on and realised one pot of yogurt will not make me fat again. Rtm is a tried and tested route and it works. I have succeeded in losing 50 pounds so I need to have the confidence in myself to believe I can succeed in this.
Plus, I really want to get back to having a normal diet (tho have never actually had one before but will be interesting to see what one is!). I want to start living again and not 'being in wait' all the time.

So I had
Breakfast. Porridge pack (which I love. Have from the very start)
Lunch. Shepherds pie (also been a firm fave of mine)
Fat free Greek yogurt (nice and creamy. Enjoyed it)
Dinner. Ham salad (ate slowly. Put cutlery down between each mouth full. TASTED the food)
Vanilla pack (was so full when eating this)

I will have the same tomorrow except salmon instead of ham. Delicious.
Busy day tomorrow, Sheffield to see 2 families then running my weekly disability dance group.

Also, did a strange thing today....have booked in for a colonic. Never had one before but thought it would be a 'fresh start' and get rid of all my pre ll bingeing **** (quite literally!)
Its on Saturday, bit nervous (discomfort/LEAKING?) But pleased.
 
#19
Been so busy today, not had time to think about food. Love days like this.
Am sticking to my 'beck principals'. Sitting down to eat, taking my time, reading my advantage card twice daily, giving myself credit.
Early night tonight as am working tomorrow - youth group for an autism charity. All morning and then.....dun dun dur...my colonic.
Watch this space.
Joining gym on Wednesday with my mum so exercise WILL start. Have gone through foundation without doing ANY but actually want to do it now.
Feel like I'm having quite a lot of food so will be pleased on Thursday when one pack is taken away.
Going to give up the vanilla so will just be having porridge for breakfast, shepherds pie for lunch each day.
 
#20
Best. Day. Ever. Had work this morning and everything went so well. Met so many families who I think our charity can support and really make a difference too.
Also had my colonic. Dear god. It was very weird sensation but felt v good and clean after.
Food today been on track.
3 packs, chicken salad and yogurt. 3l water. Boooya.
Going swimming with my sisters kids tomorrow and then lots of boring errands. Then something treat like in the evening- not sure what yet, cinema maybe...
Glorious.
And on Thursday I can have an APPLE. Never been so excited for anything in my life!
 


Similar threads



Top