I know I'm a newbie, but anyone online to help? personel?

[big bear]

I think you are aware of what you must do ultimately and are just prolonging what should be done.
It sounds to me as if her stealing is more than just theft. It sounds like a compulsion, an addiction.
You say she has had counseling?



She obviously has absolutely no conscience at all. Once again, I think you know what you have to do.
You have been dealing with this for long enough to know that no threats and no soft shoe approach is going to work.



You can not have her living with you. Why should you live in a fortress when she obviously does not care 2 jots about what you do to stop her stealing from you and worse than thay betraying your love for her. She is throwing it in your face.



Starlight, you are right about considering all the consequences of the outcome of charging her, but surely by now there is no other option either for themselves or for her. Or in fact for the protection of the next people she is going to steal from if the easy access to her parents money is cut off from her.



You really have tried haven't you ? My heart goes out to you.





You have to do the right thing long term. For her and for yourselves. You owe it to yourselves.



That was one of my thoughts Jack.



The engagement ring incident would be the final straw for me.


I think you have been incredibly patient and forgiving for far to many years.

If your daughter does not have some treatable medical condition that is causing her extreme behaviour i.e. a chemical imbalance I honestly think that you have to report her to the police. You appear to have tried everything in your power to help her, you have supported her, protected her and still love her. She counts on the fact you will not report her.
You have to protect her from herself because as I said earlier if you are out of the picture she has to find new victims and they will not take this like you have because remember it is only your love as parents that has allowed it to get this far. They will quite rightly see her for what she is. A thief and a liar and a heartless one at that. She is on a slippery slope to some really serious crime if she is not stopped.

Sorry to come across so harshly. I will probably get panned for my advice to you. But the way I see it is that you have done everything in your power to help your daughter and nothing has worked. You now only have the final option left.

Your eloquence in presenting the facts shows that you are an intelligent and very caring and loving parent.

Speak to you local police see what they advice.

I send you my heartfelt sympathy you are in an unenviable position.

hugs xxxxxx

Brilliant advice, I think though love is the way forward, you've tried everything else. Good Luck with it & please let us know how things go. remember we're always here if you need to off load with people that don't know you & we are a very honest bunch lol

Virtual hugs XXXXXX

 

[ColJack]

you mentioned a step son..
without meaning to pry, and don't tell if you don't want to, but when did you re-marry and did the behaviour start around that time?
it could be her way of getting attention from you.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

I think it's irrespective why the behaviour started, she's old enough to know it's morally wrong, although these things can usually be traced back to incidents such as these, that doesn't excuse behaviour of this nature.

I think you are going to have to take a harder approach and stand by your actions when she doesn't like them. Maybe suggest to her that she moves out or you'll go to the police about what's happened. It's not an approach any parent wants to take with their child, especially because of the effects a criminal record can have on your future, but this is someone who clearly has no respect for authority and needs to learn a lesson somehow.

If you do tell her to move out, make sure you change all the locks and prepare yourself for a bit of a battle. In the short run whatever action you take, she will rebel against, or argue about, but you have to show you mean it and know it will be for the better in the long run.

I do hope things resolve themselves, but make sure you prioritise yourself and your home - it is after all where you should feel safe.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

Oh and it might be worth a look round the local cash converter stores, or pawnbrokers, to see if your mum's engagement ring has 'turned up' at any of the shops. I know something like that would crush me to think something so precious and irreplaceable has been taken to buy cigarettes.

 

[mastiffmum]

Sue (fillymum), thank you so much for taking the time to write all of the above, I'm very touched by your advice and that it probably took so long to write it. I think I do know that I should go to the police but am putting off the inevitable. It's not an easy decision as I know having a criminal record will stay with her for life, but she has got away with so many things in the past she does think I'm an easy touch. There comes a point where everyone needs to be accountable for their actions and I think maybe that time is now for her. It always helps to hear other peoples opinions, especially of those that are not emotionally involved. I think the problem with our society is that we are all too quick to blame emotional issues on past traumas. I do agree that certain situations in our life can determine how we behave, but we all know right from wrong and having stood by her through over six years of problems she also knows that family can always be relied on.

coljack, in answer to your question, my husband and I have been together for over 11 years, but only got married august 2010. But to show you what sort of a person my daughter is, she was really pleased when we told her we were getting married, but then sulked and got grumpy when she knew she wasn't going to be the only bridesmaid! I think she didn't want any attention taken away from her, thats what she does you see, things to shock and likes to be the centre of attention. The problems didn't start until my husband and I had been living together for 4 years. Even when he did move in when she was 7 years old, he talked to her, told her how she would always be the most important person in mummy's life and then said he wouldn't move in if she didn't want him to.
She has always got on with my step son, who is 3 years older, so no issues there.

I would just like to say a really big THANK YOU to everyone that has taken the time to reply. This is an extremely difficult situation for me, my head is all over the place at the moment and all of your advice and comments have been taken on board, thank you again x x x

 

[fillymum]

Thanks for letting us know what your thoughts are right now.

I am sure you will find the courage to do the right thing which unfortunately is to go to the police. You love her so you will do what is best for her and to save her from herself I think she has to have a criminal record for the rest of her life............that way she will possibly have a life.

You come over as being such a nice caring person. Se doesn't deserve a mother like you.

Reading that last paragraph back it sounds a very high handed thing to say, but I know you understand what I mean.

 

[blondie24]

sounds like you're daughter needs a short sharp shock to bring her to reality! its all well and good living it up at her girlfriends after doing something wrong... but if she just comes home, gets away with it again... shes gonna keep on doing so! sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and in the long run she'll thank you for that i would imagine, once she has grown up and realised what the real world is like - not just the nice easy world she has become selfishly accustomed to.

im not saying go to the police, but whatever you think would hit home the most for her... saying shes not welcome back/the police/selling her stuff/changing the locks etc - you'll just have to be strong and you and you're husband be a united front, shes a big girl now, if shes 19 she can and will fend for herself if she has to.

i so hope somehow (whatever happens) things get better for you, i cant imagine how hard it must be after raising her and giving her everything, hopefully she will grow up soon and take some responsibility for her life and actions

xxx

shes probably not a bad person and doesnt mean to hurt you intentionally (not that im sticking up for her - i do think its so wrong) shes just taking the easiest options and probably trying her best not to think about the consequences and other peoples feelings

 

[ColJack]

if you have a quiet word with one of the officers I'm sure you might be able to arrange a bit of a wake up call for her without actually pressing charges..
get her picked up from her friends house in a police car and a couple of officers and taken in for questioning..?
then again I don't know how it all works over here so you might not be able to "get the cherges dropped" once you report it..

 

[MadameLaMinx]

I think if it were me, I would change the locks and pack her bags. When she does eventually surface, she wont be able to get in without your say so. Tell her you cannot trust her and that you will not allow her to stay under your roof when she is old enough to know better and still thinks it is acceptable to steal from you. Hand her her bag, and shut the door firmly. It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but probably the kindest, both for her, and the rest of your family. You need a break from this situation and she needs to grow up. You did your best to bring her up right, she is choosing not to. So let her go free and find out the hard way at no further cost to you.

 

[*EB*]

I am going to say exactly what i am thinking (so may be harsh at times) and its just my opinion, but if i was in your shoes i would have one final talk to her.

Explain you are close to booting her out and calling the police, removing her from the will (see how she likes that!)and pressing charges for the theft from you - if she hears you say everything what you have said on here and told us, she might listen. I say might, as she sounds like she is past the point of rational conversations.

If she doesnt seem interested in changing her ways or promises to do so after this final chance then i would change the locks and cut ties with her. She is emotionally blackmailing you with your feelings and love for her, to live an easy carefree, non working, sponging around off people kind of life. Its not fair on you to subsidise this, and to lose your house over missing mortgage payments as she has stolen money is truly astonishing behaviour. She has you over a barrell and needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions.

I am staggered you have to have locks on your doors in the house and think you need to really think long and hard about how your daughter has made you jump through hoops all the time. Stealing money is one thing - possessions like the ring is BANG OUT OF ORDER. I mean seriously, she is trying to plan her life on who dies in your family and what she can get by that person dying!!! by what you have said (the comment about the will, and getting the bungalow - and then the comment about your own will....) it just is so horrible.

I wish you all the luck with whatever you do - and hope you get through it. Sounds so terrible....i honestly feel very sorry for you as i think she is emotionally going to win with you. What does your hubby think of all of this?

I would also sell all her things to cash converters - anything she owns. Sell it to get some cash for the money she stole. She doesnt respect your belongings, why should you be any different.

Good luck - i hope it has a happy ending for you all x

 

[Starlight]

if you have a quiet word with one of the officers I'm sure you might be able to arrange a bit of a wake up call for her without actually pressing charges..
get her picked up from her friends house in a police car and a couple of officers and taken in for questioning..?
then again I don't know how it all works over here so you might not be able to "get the cherges dropped" once you report it..

Thats the kind of thing they MAY do for a 12 year old to give them a fright, for an adult who knows what shes doing - no. (for one thing we just dont have the manpower). As you say once the charges are preferred its not like you see on the telly that you can just say 'I want to drop the charges' and hope the questioning etc has given her a fright, the police can, and do prosecute without you

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

heya honey.
I am so so sorry to hear of the very difficult situation you are in.

i come to you through personal experiance. Others may be shocked at this, knowing me for so long on these boards. Its not a past im proud of- most certainly not.

I did to my mum (gosh it hurts me even saying it now..) exactly what she's doing to you. Minus the ring thing.. i took money from her bank etc. Knowing things were tight. Knowing i was throwing spanners in the works for what little we had all so i could smoke and drink and buy new things for myself. I have no excuses for my behaviour.. but i know i got away with it. For so long that i began to really just ignore my mums threats, they were always empty. No matter how much she pulled on my heart strings .. with all her, i love you's but i can't cope.. i just blotted it out. I got cold with her. Eventually i became so selfish, i couldnt care about anyone. Not even myself after a while.

She has gone past the point of caring, a long, long time ago. Its not that she doesnt have a consience (sp?) else she would be waltzing back in right now, not waiting for the oceans to calm at home whilst hiding out at her girlfriends. Shes scared, but deep down she knows she's gunna get away with it.. which is why she's tanting you on facebook.

My mother did shop me eventually. I was put in a cell for a night and questioned etc. They never charged me, although it was clear that it was no longer in my mums hands and that really they could do what ever the hell they wanted with me now.. (which was the scariest bit) it did stay on a record.. and i was turned down for jobs.
Of course this is one of your worries, that it will stay with her after shes changed - if she does.. and you will regret it.
The fact of the matter was, by the time that was wipes off my record.. i was finally in a real genuine place in my life where i could hold down a job and has really repaired my relationships and built up my trust again. I remodelled my life. . even if she didnt shop me so to say, i would have never held down a job anyways. . and if shes already lost jobs due to attitude.. thats just as bad in an employers eyes than any record the police may hold of her. Being an adult also, you wont have been told of any recent run in's with the police she may already have.. and with the background you'v already filled us in with, i wouldn't be suprised.

It took a really hard shock, my mum kicked me out.. shopped me and told me i'd have to fend for myself, because she couldnt help someone who didnt want to be helped anymore. . and its true. You cant help an alcoholic who has no intention of getting sober .. no matter how much they promise you change.

It was tough, and often i felt no one appreciated my little efforts. I quickl learnt how delicate trust and love is and some people never forgave me. Sadly.. but without what she did for me.. which at times.. i truely thought i hated her for, i would scream and swear at her and i would guilt trip her.. how could she do this to me.. etc ect.. i suppose it's not untill youv made that change and you look back and i think to myself.. how did i do that to her!? not the other way around.. i would never be the person i am now. never.

Now i work full time, am respectful, trustworthy, have fabulous relationships with my mother.. dont get me wrong, she has her own issues but we help each other. Even though at times it has been tough for me, dealing with her. I know i can never walk away, when she was the only one who gave me second chance.. when i said i'd change, somthing she'd heard so many times before. I quit hanging round with my low life 'friends' and now i have my own house, a baby on the way and im getting married. Even my mum cant believe it sometimes. I am thankful that i have a life, thanks to her being as cold to me as i was to her. Somtimes a taste of her own medicine really is the best option.

I know its bloody hard, and when i let myself wonder if my LO will turn into me.. gawd it almost brings me to tears, how the hell will i cope. My little sister is mimicking exactly how i was when i was her age and and it angers me that i cant get through to her now before it gets so out of hand.. my poor mum. she hasnt a hope of an easy life.


good luck to you.
xx

 

[Happy Holidays]

I think if it were me, I would change the locks and pack her bags. When she does eventually surface, she wont be able to get in without your say so. Tell her you cannot trust her and that you will not allow her to stay under your roof when she is old enough to know better and still thinks it is acceptable to steal from you. Hand her her bag, and shut the door firmly. It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but probably the kindest, both for her, and the rest of your family. You need a break from this situation and she needs to grow up. You did your best to bring her up right, she is choosing not to. So let her go free and find out the hard way at no further cost to you.

My daughter is 18 & this is exactly what I would do. You don't need to put up with her behaviour whether its your daughter of not. But if you do chose to take this option you have to be strong & don't give in. This is why she continues to do these things because she can and has got away with it.

Good luck

 

[Jisboz]

OMG thats not good, is she working? Can u make her pay it back?

Change ur pin numbers & make sure your cards are somewhere she can't find them.

As for how to deal with her I'm not sure...i've just got small babies. Can u make her sell some of her stuff on to give u back ur money. I don't think its good to phone the police as she'll get a criminal record & if she isn't working will find it hard to get a job.

Sorry can't help more but I'm sure someone else can xx

Grrrrr..... just saw the ebay link - will have to go and have a browse!!! (shame i cant turn my ebay addiction to a running one!!!)

Jisboz

 

[Jennyonaplate]

Fern what an honest and open account of your own experiences, and just proof that no matter what people have done, it can be the making of people.

I'm a big believer in what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and that we learn from our mistakes. Life is a constant learning curve, and i'm sure everyone has been guilty of more mistakes than we're willing to admit to (I know I am), but it's also learning from these mistakes that make us into the people we become.

I've got a lot of respect for you Fern for being so honest, and you're an inspiration for all those with unruly teenagers!

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

*blushes* i just wanted to help really. It can be hard as a mother to make descions like these, i supposed i just wanted to give hope that things can work out, even if it gets to complete breaking point.

am hoping no one thinks any less of the person i am today for what iv just shared with you all!

 

[Jennyonaplate]

I have the upmost respect for people who can turn their life around.

It's always easier to keep doing what we're doing, and I think it's harder to extract yourself from difficult situations if they form your life (wrong friends etc), it's also very difficult for anyone to admit that they're in the wrong and that's where I think the short-sharp-shock treatment often comes in handy!

I think it's good to be able to see the other perspective on a situation like this, and certainly good to know it can have positive outcomes.

 

[RegField]

message removed

 

[mastiffmum]

Fern,
Thank you very much indeed for being so honest and open about your past.

I am truly overwhelmed and touched by everyones response, some of which are very long and obviously took a lot of time and thought to write, thank you all again.

I made the decision this afternoon to go to the police station and report her theft. After much thought and deliberation I felt that I had no other option, I simply cannot let her get away with it again, after constantly forgiving her for over 6 years. What has also helped my decision is that her girlfriend has been posting pictures of them both on facebook, cosying up together, laughing, pulling silly faces........not a care in the world. My world however, has been turned upside down, my heart broken (again) and I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. The betrayal, lies and thieving has got to stop. As I am sure we all do, we forgive our families for some of the most horrendous treatment, if it was anyone else or a friend, we would probably have them prosecuted and them cut all ties. So I came to realise that I am not the one in the wrong here, I have been wronged and my daughter has committed a crime against the one person that has been loyal to her all her life. It pains me even more to have to take this action, but I have to stop her ruining my life and hers.

Once again, thank you to everyone for their advice, blunt, to the point, or otherwise, it is greatly appreciated. A big thank you for all your hugs too xx

 

[big bear]

Let us know how things pan out & good luck hun, look after yourself XX