I'm A Prisoner....

well my day was pretty good yesterday, although i never ate anything else after lunch as i felt sick, it might have been after picking up my prescription for anti ds not having had them 4 days....hey maybe they supress appetite lol well they did yesterday thats for sure.
it was tasting day there yesterday so everybody had made yummy foods for everybody to try, i couldnt even look at food i felt terrible, and have been up and down through the night so im pretty sure the pills made me restless, soon be back in my system tho, its just i cant take two or they really screw me up so i usually have one every other day and that works for me...wierd i know!
Well i had better get up, my boys are moaning at me as im still in bed typing this lol...
they want food haha
back soon and keep it up we gotta do this right!
you can do it......dont look back!
)
 
Good late evening.

I was still quite tired today, but made myself get up and do what I had to do anyway. I had an appointment with my counsellor, which went well, she's happy to hear I'm taking positive steps and avoiding people who bring me down. She's also going to sort out me seeing the GP there that specialises in mental health so we can discuss my options with my medication change. I also got a letter today confirming an appointment with the eating disorders service so I can get therapy regarding my emotional eating, I went into town with my Mother and treated myself to a new lipstick and lipgloss and also did some grocery shopping. Then before getting ready for bed tonight, I've gone for a brisk walk around the block. Tomorrow is SW and my dreaded second WI, not looking forward to it because I'm on my period and feel so bloated that I think the scale will not be my friend eeeek!

@lasttime I'm sorry you've been feeling yucky, medication can mess with us like that, let's hope you feel much better by tomorrow and when you go to your next group with tasters you can tuck in nicely to try all the healthy delights on offer. I'm glad you got your prescription filled though, it's never really a good idea to go cold turkey with our anti-depressants, can have all sorts of nasty side effects.

@Vanda, thank you for checking in, as you'll probably see I forced myself to be productive today. I trust that you've had a good day yourself and are going to bed (or gone to bed) feeling positive.

Ah life eh, it seems to be much harder work for some of us just to do the stuff that others can take for granted huh. But I suppose the good thing about that is that we can appreciate things so much more :)
 
hey good luck with the weight in hun, your going to be just fine really, i called my sister today who is doing sw with me, she was in pixzza hut with her friends who are also nurses...all eating pizzas and drinking wine!!!! can you believe it!!!!
So i told her if she doesnt mind me overtaking her with the weight loss to carry on (haha) i think it spurred her back into action....
Well i am feeling better, although appetite is coming back slowly i dont think i can face another chilli for like ten years lol
finally got my gas working as its been on the blink non stop since lat thursday and we have been freezing! when i called the gas company today and told them its on blink again they sent an engineer out...about ten minutes ago he arrived but its back working now and the heating is on full trust me! i have a gas card i top up and it seems everytime i top up at sainsburys it voids the card lol so they have to keep coming and putting money on my metre which they have to do as its their fault,one guy said oh we cant come out...i was like erm i have a 5 year old disabled child here put your puservisor on now, he came back apologising saying somebody was on the way...at least we are all warm now!
tomorrow i am going to have sw chips for dinner with eggs and beans and quorn sausages to make up for no appetite today..then a light evening meal i think....see im already thinking about food must be getting better lol!!!!
well i had better get some sleep now or i will never get up in time in morning for school run....take care and dont forget about us all here....we are here to help x
 
Ha, glad to hear you are fancying food again and that the gas is working, can't be going with no heating in this kind of weather. The only plus side is we burn more calories when we're cold because our body is trying to warm itself up...but no good for the children, no way!

I shall bid you a good night, I think I'll watch an episode of Diagnosis Murder online or something then hit the hay myself, got to make sure I have the energy to walk to my SW group tomorrow. x
 
Dropping in to say hi and really good news that you have been pushing yourself to do stuff. Sometimes its really not that easy, I went for 1 short walk around my village yesterday and you would have thought I was going on a marathan jog.

I went to see my GP again yesterday and he has signed me off work for another 2 weeks, I was told not too expect too much too soon and to stop beating myself up for not being able to do so much. I'm waiting to hear from thje counsellor and the mental health team. Thats great that you can access specialised support for your emotional eating I could do with that myself.

Hope today has been a good one xx
 
Hey, thanks for the link @lasttime I like watching TV shows online (like stuff that airs in the US before here in the UK and I can't wait for it)

Vanda, good to hear you're getting sorted, when we're low we need all the support we can get, and the fact you got out for that walk deserves a pat on the back.

I'm not so good today, went to my Slimming World group and didn't lose anything on my WI, I've been ever such a good girl and was devastated by it to the point of having to sneak off to cry. I've been really down on myself this evening as a result, feeling emotional and I'm sat here now at gone 3am still feeling sad. I was naughty tonight and made myself sick after dinner, I felt guilty to have not lost any weight and to be eating. Mum will be home with me tomorrow so she'll keep me in line.

Right now I just feel like I want to eat something syn-ful just for the hell of it. Like a whole pizza or a big slice of cake.....nothing like that in the house thankfully. Why must I be such an epic fail at life....arghh!
 
Hi MissUno,

Just wanted to let you know that I have also struggled with depression in the past, and I have a tendency to want to eat nasty foods when I'm feeling down, stressed, depressed, or even when I'm in a good mood. Emotions = want food. It's a vicious cycle, because when you get done eating you either feel worse or your good mood crashes, because it's a "what have I done" situation!

I really understand about being tired all the time. I am the same way; I really need my sleep (as in, eight hours minimum) or I get tired and depressed. When I don't quite get enough sleep, I seem to need twice as much sleep to make up for it. So I have to drive or time to work out. Ugh!

My prayers are with you and I truly empathize with the depression and self-harm. Feel free to message me anytime. :hug99:
 
hey missuno,
You beating yourself up, instead look at what you ate through the week, did you put it into your food diary on the website online for slimming world?
i know its soooooooooo depressing when you dont lose, but hey....you didnt gain either!!!!!
that means nothing lost!
it means you ate for a whole week without gaining any weight!
i will type out what i eat here for you, maybe it might help you?
brekkie= banana quorn sausages x 2,tin baked beans,2 eggs fried in fry light, mushrooms and tomatoes and cup of tea no sugar

dinner = baked potatoe salad and apple, low fat yoghurt and diet coke

tea time sw chips egg loads of vinegar and salt
plus i still have my syns and healthy options....

hope this helps a little?

i have noticed its my antidepressants that are making me feel sick and stopping me eating though, they are alventa and within two hours of taking them i cannot face food at all which is a first as they have never done this to me before....wish i could bottle whatever it is thats in them and give you some!

just try to keep focused, say to yourself that you just have to get through the next hour.....and keepe saying it,
i know your feeling crappy, when i feel like that i go into a dark place and dont want to come out, but my survival instinct makes me go outside even for a little walk, or watch a movie to take your mind of how you feel.....it spurs you on....i hope this helps a little.....
keep posting on here, you will get lots of help and support here and you need it when your down xxxxi read a really good book called the secret have you read it? you can even watch the first 20 mins on you tube as there is a dvd available on amazon, it really helps me when im down, trust me just try it, i knwo it will help x
 
Missuno I do hope you are feeling better tonight. I know a sts can be disappointing but as lasttime said you havent put on any and that is a success itself when you have been feeling low. Making yourself sick wont help and in the long run could even make things worse, so please try and ask for help if you feel like doing this again.

I've rung the samaritans before when I felt like I had no one to talk to who would understand or be non judgemental and they were lovely, its always worth a try if you feel like the support sometime.

Lasttime I think I'll keep an eye out for that book myself I could so with some inspiration.

I hope you all have a good weekend, be kind to yourself xx
 
Hey, I managed not to give into the urge to eat crap. I know I've been following the plan, so I can't really say that I've done anything wrong as I've done both the written and the online food diaries.

I just want to hurry up and have this weight gone so I can get on with my life. I can't wait until my food counselling starts, got my first appointment on the 22nd and it can't come soon enough, I need to get my head sorted once and for all.

@missfortissimo It's the tiredness that is the biggest problem really, having no energy makes you feel limited to what you can do, everything seems like such hard work and so draining - totally get what you mean with the sleep thing, I'm writing this at nearly 3am, I'm tired but my mind is working overtime and so tomorrow I will not want to get out of bed. Annoying isn't it? God bless anyway. This may all be part of some weird divine plan eh.

@Vanda, I will try not to hurt myself again, I know the making yourself sick is a form of self harm and the disappointment of not losing any weight, when right now losing the weight is all I can think about...just didn't handle it well.

I'm not really one for self help books or anything, I'm hoping the counselling will help. I have another counselling service I am able to use and if I get desperate there is someone on the end of a phone I can speak to, I just rarely seem to have the balls to ask for help, until things get out of control and I wind up in hospital like I did in June last year and very nearly again just after the New Year.

I believe in God, and just hope that all this current suffering has its purpose and one day I will be free to fly and know what it means to be happy.
 
I think the hardest thing to do is to ask for help, I know it is for me. But everyone needs help sometimes, it is nothing to be ashamed about, and if it helps you to stop hurting yourself in anyway its worth taking the plunge.

Well done on sticking to plan its not easy when feeling low. I know what you mean about the fatigue, I was thinking last night I just have no interest or energy to do anything. I am going to try and do something every day even if it is just for 5-10 minutes.

I hope the weekend has been kind to you and you have been kind to yourself x
 
Hey Vanda, I think I should seek a bit more help, I'm supposed to be having my medication reviewed on the 15th and start my eating counselling on the 22nd. I've asked my mum to assist me in getting to the gym one day in the next week, just so I can hopefully get past the initial anxiety of going some place new and having to face people who are in better shape and fitter than me.

I have basically stopped taking my current medication for my depression, I know I said the other day it's never a good idea to just suddenly stop taking your medication, but I've gone against my own better judgement. Simply because I think they aren't really helping me this particular type of drug and I'm not keen on the weight gain side effect when I'm now trying to get my weight under control and get healthy.

I don't know, I wish they would invent brain transplant surgery, or some sort of brain operation where they could go in and remove the bits that make us, I suppose for lack of better words, mentally ill. Or remove all the horrid memories and traumas so we could go about life like those bad things never happened and be emotionally content.

Stupid life being so hard and unfair to some while others seem to get all the good things in life handed on a silver platter, regardless of deserving such good luck or not. I can think of a fair few people who are absolutely awful, selfish, arrogant, nasty etc and they just breeze through life. They also seem to get away with making mistake after mistake, while others, myself included, may make one simple mistake and get treated by so-called friends in a fashion where I may as well have committed murder for the degree of judgements and contempt makes me so angry about how unjust life can be.

Jeez, I need to stop this woe is me rant session, just does seem most days that I may well be better off dead.
 
Oh heck, sorry I havent been around for a while and just when it seems like you could have done with a bit more support. I hope you are feeling a bit better now than you were when you wrote your last post.

I do think that stopping the anti depressants is not a good idea, if you feel that they are not working for you get some advice from your GP rather than just stopping. And I know weight gain is not something that we need especially when food causes so many problems for us, but mental ill health can be more destructive. With good mental health the food issue will be easier to manage with the right help.

I've had a bit of a relapse myself and think I have been pushing myself too much, so I'm taking a step back and just listening to my body and taking it one day at a time. This bloody depression is no joke is it ?

Hope you are well x
 
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