I'm not coping well at all... but I'm determined to beat this. Again.

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Anna

Looks like we were typing at the same time....
No one here would ever judge you....I have never seen anything close to that on this site - so don;t EVER feel like you cannot unload whatever it is you need to unload. Please don;t ever feel like that.

I am sorry you suffer panic disorders. I don't know, or can't imagine what that must be like, but it must be awful.

We're here for you, always, so don't ever go away thinking you are doing us afavour. Thats what we are here for silly moo. ANd if we gotta lift you up 5000 times, then we will. You would do it for us.

Hang in there doll - you have some hard, but worthwhile work to do. And you can do it. believe in yourself. And never stop trying.

XX

 

[annaphylactic]

Come on you lot... I know there must be something in my behaviour over the past 8 years... what is the link... what cycle must I break... it all seems too huge at the moment... an elephant in the room.

Ooh I just read that post again... and talk about shifting responsibility again... that last bit sounded awful e.g. FIX ME, I can't do it... you must!

Please know that I am analysing myself left right and centre... and not just leaving it all in the hands of the gods... but I just can't see the wood for the trees at the moment and I would appreciate any shards of light if you see any...

I understand this is my battle and my battle only... I'm off to make a shake... only have had one all day and starting to feel weird again.

Anna x

 

[annaphylactic]

We're here for you, always, so don't ever go away thinking you are doing us afavour. Thats what we are here for silly moo. ANd if we gotta lift you up 5000 times, then we will. You would do it for us.

I am genuinely touched and moved by that... I hope I can make you lot proud - thank you all, you are all sparkling diamonds (yes, even the boys, hehe) and you all mean a lot to me...

Anna
x

P.S. I'm not crying, my eyes are just really sweaty...

 

[westiegirl]

To illustrate you're not alone, extract from my maintenance diary from Aug 06:

Got to work at 9am and there was a couple of customers already so straight into the breach! After an hour a bit of breathing space came along and a pot of tea was made, yep fine. Then THE REBELLIOUS CHILD POPPED UP IT'S UGLY HEAD! Mrs Chatterbox had a frenzy in my head and her and the child actually beat up my adult and sent her packing! MAJOR LAPSE!!!!!

So in the mouth went the following, over the space of the next 2 hours:
3 slice sausages
2 link sausages
4 slices bacon
1 piece bread and butter
6 spoons of sandwich filling
WHY
The old demons raised their ugly head and once I started I couldn't stop! Even a chat with my mum and a big hug and reassurances and compliments from her didn't stop the destructive behaviour. Will I always have food issues? Yes probably, will I be able to curb them in future - only time will tell.

So what happened next isn't much better either!

After the cafe closed I went to Mum and Dad's and the kettle went on. Sat down, cup of tea, slice of shortbread with choc chips! OH you fool! You could have stopped and limited the damage but then you had another slice of shortbread and TWO mint chocolate traybake slices.

This was the aftermath - pretty much how you felt last night:

Day 10 - Sunday - That'll Learn Me!
Well I think I learnt the hard way not to binge on rubbish food!

Saturday night 1.30am - woken up with a very sore stomach and awful nausea. Spent 30 minutes sitting on the "sick stool" in our bathroom - leaning over the bowl thinking I was gonna die! Not actually sick but did think I was going to be! Crawled back to bed only to have a repeat performance at 3.30 am!

Woke up properly at 8am and could only face a cup of peppermint tea. Stomach is really bloated and a quick hop on the scales showed 10 stone 4.6lbs. Darn! 4lbs up on last Sunday. What a fool!

I know you need to work out your reasons and sort out some answers for yourself, but I just wanted to tell you that I understand and that's why I could never ever judge you badly.

Hope you feel better soon xxx

 

[annaphylactic]

Thank you Westie... that was very interesting to read.. and made me think I really should be putting these things in my blog, so I always can get back to how I felt... otherwise my moments of clarity will be swallowed up in this forum's activity (not usually a bad thing) but it is clear that you learnt a lot from your last journey - good and bad... and I don't want to forget about my 'bad bits'.

Good to know I'm not alone x

 

[pete10141748]

Hi Anna, in response to this;

Come on you lot... I know there must be something in my behaviour over the past 8 years... what is the link... what cycle must I break...

from what you've said above it seems to me that you are in the habit of not achieving all your goals (I don't want to use the word "failing" as it's somewhat negative).

So from my POV, this is the link, and what you need to change - the habit of not seeing something all the way through.


No doubt it's a toughie, as the only way to break the habit is to start seeing things through to completion, which is what you're having trouble doing.... talk about a catch 22!

Maybe try it with smaller things first?
It may sound daft, but something simple, like say, a jigsaw puzzel.
Sit down with one, and don't stop until you've finished - even if you get frustrated, annoyed, bored, just keep_on_going until it is finished.
Then take good note of how you feel to have finished something - and I don't mean a wishy-washy "take note of how good it feels to have completed something", I mean take note of how you ACTUALLY feel, be that happy, elated, relieved, or actually a little dissapointed as the thing is now over and you're left with "well what now?" thoughts.


You know, typing that, something's just occured to me;
you've been having such a good time on LL until this point with losses, comments etc. that perhaps you are now self-sabotaging as subconciously, you want to stay on LL exactly as you were before, as you remember how good it all made you feel?
I.E. Like the puzzle comment above, maybe you don't want it to be over? and don't want to leave behind the comfort of not having to think about food much, being told what you can and can't have etc.

Maybe your thoughts are too invested in the idea of the LighterLife program/method/shakes making you happy, when in actual fact it was YOU who is responsible for your happiness all along.

YOUR actions made you slim and happy,
YOUR thoughs changed about yourself, and
YOU lost the weight.

LighterLife is just a method, YOU are the one who has done this for yourself. Remember that!

 

[annaphylactic]

Bingo Pete!

Oh my god - a light has gone on... not necessarily 'the' light... but there is definite illumination and it took your post to spark it... thank you thank you thank you.

I. Am. Terrified. Of. Finishing. Abstinence. Perhaps more than most - I know it is a daunting prospect for EVERYONE, but for me it is not so much the fear of gaining weight... it's of losing the fun, happy Anna that has emerged through not eating. My comment earlier about how the food in my tum has brought back the butterfly feelings/panicky tendencies... I don't want to be that person again... I want to be empty - therefore not have to worry about 'losing control'...

By lapsing and realising that this is what is happening... I am so scared of leaving the security blanket of LL that I am slowing down my approach to goal. By never quite becoming 'normal' and always keeping myself 'overweight', there is no reason why the LLC would take me off abstinence (yes, I know... I'm not properly abstaining, but you know what I mean)...

Hmmmm...

And I will take your challenge of the jigsaw... you're right... I can't remember the last time I ever saw something through... apart from a film - and even then I find myself distracted by playing on my phone/DS/laptop and miss most of it... I cannot sit and not 'do' something with my hands... weird. Anyway, I digress...

Thank you Pete... this could be the start of a little turning point in understanding my recent behaviour.

A x x

 

[DillyDee]

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but glad that others have provided advice that has helped shed light for you. Hope you manage to get back on track soon Anna - you know you can do it!

 

[Poppysparkle]

Wow, isn't it so amazing that someone (albeit very bright and intellectual) can see things so much more clearly than ourselves! I've been following your situation Anna, and not posted as I don't really have anything useful to say unfortunately, but just wanted to add, that apart from really worrying me, as I wonder if and when I may lapse (I know I shouldn't) you are definitely NOT boring anyone! I think that you are so well loved here, both by the people that 'talk' to you on here, and those that are more likely to lurk a bit in the shadows, that not one person would judge you, as there for the grace of God and all that!!

I have to say that it was you that led me to Minimins, after Googling I came upon your blog, which led me here, so thank you so much and I'm so glad that you are feeling a bit more enlightened. Seems to me it's all part of the journey.

I have problems in actually following my thoughts through and identifying where there is a problem and when the LLC tries to give us examples of things and asks if we can identify I truly have problems and come up against a huge brick wall and generally there's nothing there - think I might be emotionally stunted!! I worry that I won't have any "OH THAT'S WHY!" moments, so I drink up all of those of the posters on the board!

Hope things right themselves soon and you find things a little easier from here on in!

 

[Blonde Logic]

I. Am. Terrified. Of. Finishing. Abstinence. Perhaps more than most - I know it is a daunting prospect for EVERYONE, but for me it is not so much the fear of gaining weight... it's of losing the fun, happy Anna that has emerged through not eating. My comment earlier about how the food in my tum has brought back the butterfly feelings/panicky tendencies... I don't want to be that person again... I want to be empty - therefore not have to worry about 'losing control'...

Right - I want to be careful how I say this! BUt - you are RIGHT to be frightened of coming off abstinance if my experience is anything to go by. It IS scary, and I believe you are having normal feelings around that.

Like you, I am at the end of RTM - I am on the last week of the program - and that again brings up LOADS of fears.

ANd RTM ain't a picnic - its a challenge, its confusing, its wonderful, its awful, its new, its so many things. ANd it is scary.

A bit of fear is healthy - the key is not to let it get the better of you and stop you from doing things - but a healthy dose keeps a person in check, I believe.

Anna - I COMPLETELY understand your fears about losing how you feel in abstinance - who you have become. You are very intuitive about what to expect in RTM.

I have been in it now the 12 weeks, and I STILL prefer the feeling of abstinance over the feeling of food in my tummy. DEfinately. You are running on a comlpetely different enregy on packs then on conventional food. I have found that to be very true.

But - it is also wonderful, to start learning about yourself, and putting things we are taught into action. There is a huge learning curve - there are no exams to pass or fail - it is a matter of being patient - willing to accept some gains as well as losses (I had a DREADFUL week this past week - for no fault of my own I don;t think - its just for some reason my body went wack this week) so I have to be patient and try something different this week by eliminating something completely to see how I react - and I will keep trying till I get it right.

I know it may take a little time, and its frustrating - but - I know that it does not mean I am putting all myu weight back on and all is lost!! We just gotta keep working at the puzzle - our own unique puzzle, that works with OUR bodies, etc., until we get it right.

Its an interesting thought that you are perhaps stalling the end of foundation. May well have something to do with it.



xx

 

[slendablenda]

You are not alone Anna

Hello,
I hope you are still focused and feeling back in control.
The emotional reactions to food and feelings you are having are quite understandable. No-one understands as well as you because only you know all the real reasons behind your relationship with food.
However, you have shared quite a lot of your thoughts on here.
You have achieved so much since starting LL,had so many positive strokes both from here and work and other people who know you.
You've had a significant birthday with a super party where you probably looked better than ever before and felt fabulous.
You have started your new project which got off to a better start than you could have imagined. Not to mention your
new man ( now OH) who obviously adores you and seems like a soul-mate,pending holiday to the States.
All these things will have made you feel on a high and some of them may not have happened if you hadn't achieved such a super weight loss so quickly.
You can't stay on a high like that indefinitely.Things have to settle back down to earth which probably feels like an anti-climax.
I noticed you were very in tune with someone on this forum who was talking about an eating disorder and you seemed to relate to what she was saying. That has probably got your mind going too.
On top of that the whole Christmas thing - which I am struggling with too.
I go into Earth Mother mode at this time of year.It's an emotional time of year anyway and a time for reflection and re-evaluation. As you said yourself, so many people are having difficulties at the moment.
So you are human - stay on track.
All we can do is our best. If we lapse a little the world won't come to an end.
We just have to try and keep it in proportion. It's not a disaster, it's a blip.
Look at the reasons why and learn.
Get back on your horse and keep going.
You have a lot of support. We are all
here for you and each other.
Good luck and try and enjoy Christmas.

 

[Guy]

Wow. Some great advice in this thread. I'm not even going to try to top it but I just wanted to say you're far from alone. We're all in the same boat on this crazy journey.

I just want to say aswell that you're not alone on the fear factor. I;m starting RTM in 3 weeks and I'm bricking it. I know this sounds dramatic but has anyone seen that film 'Awakenings'? Well, I feel like Robert De Niro. I guess that's not gonna makes sense to most lol....

Anyway, I digress......

 

[slendablenda]

Not like you to Guygress !!!
Merry Christmas .

 

[annaphylactic]

All these things will have made you feel on a high and some of them may not have happened if you hadn't achieved such a super weight loss so quickly. You can't stay on a high like that indefinitely.Things have to settle back down to earth which probably feels like an anti-climax.

Yeah - you are probably right... I've been swept along on a magic carpet ride since 25th August (day one of LL) and now I have started smacking into passing trees and am careering towards the ground and it's scary - even though I knew all along that I would have to land at some point.

(I'm into analogies today!)...

x

 

[westiegirl]

Hi (again) Anna

I would fully endorse putting everything in your blog. Those "lost" moments of clarity can become valuable tools in the future.

Again I fully understand the feelings you are having. I started a thread on here a few days ago when I first seriously started contemplating going back to LL. That was the same time I revisited my maintenance diaries. With time and distance I "forgot" how hard being around food was. The diaries reminded me of some very important things that will come in useful when I get back to goal and start RTM.

Sorry for quoting again but in that thread I said the following:

The main points I have learnt though is that abstinance was (relatively) easy. It was a black or white choice - eat or not eat. There was never any doubt about the answer - don't eat. Eating is not part of the programme so you don't do it!

Ain't that the truth! Abstinence is black or white - no shades of grey. To have to face the reality of reintroducing food and all the accompanying demons is a very big deal. The main trouble is that by following a diet like LL we are making big changes in a relatively short space of time (you've barely been on the programme 3 months) and so much has changed with your life and we expect ourselves to be able to deal with it all without having the time to make the mental adjustments.

The main thing I would ask you to do is to accept the postive strokes you are given, but learn to give yourself some as well. Also remember to keep in touch with your LLC, she will have had a vast amount of experience and training to help you (hopefully I don't sound trite but doubtless she's "seen it all before").

Hope you are feeling a bit better soon xxx

 

[sarey]

hi anna, ive seen you post and be supportive of other people on other threads so please believe me when i say people are here for you in the same way as you are there for them. I may be about to hit on a sore point here so please forgive me as i dont mean to upset but i know its one of my subconcious triggers so may be something for you to quiz yourself about. You mentioned that your dad sadly passed away over xmas 07, we're now at xmas 08, is the time of year making you think back to the sad time last year which in turn upsets you so because you're thinking about the past you're returning to past habits and eating? ive done it myself so i know it's easily done. Out of a group of 4 there are now only 2 of us left, lou died just before she got to 17 and chris when he'd just turned 19 and now me n oli push each other away bcoz we're scared of losing each other, what i found i was doing on the anniversaries of their deaths and their birthdays i'd become a recluse, and binge eat and drink for the day. This year i was prepared and decided that rather than binge eat and drink i'd go for a walk whilst listening to their favourite music on my ipod which a)excercise,
b)took me away from food and drink
c)i wasnt damaging my health
so yes its hard when you've lost someone you love but rather than letting it get the better of you turn it into something positive, do something that makes you feel closer to them but keeps you away from food and see if that helps, hope so.
sarey xx

 

[SweetySuperstar]

Anna sweetheart,

Firstly, I'm really sorry that I haven't been online for some time, past couple of weeks I was busy with stuff at my daughter's school, her first nativity play, her first school xmas party, so I was helping out a lot etc, then my internet wouldn't work for about a week, and then for the past week or so, first my daughter was ill with the vomiting and diahorrea bug that is going around, then at precisely the same time both my OH and I caught it too!!!!

But anyway, I really just wanted to say to you that my heart goes out to you for being in this tough place right now. Please don't ever ever think that we don't want to hear from you or are getting 'bored' of you or anything like that, we are all on the same journey and you can turn to me, and I'm 100% sure, the others at any time!!

I wholeheartedly agree with BL and Pete, I think self sabotage and fear of finishing abstinence are the key things... but honey, you WILL get there, and as Slenda said, your lapse(s) are a minor blip and you HAVE to see it in this way so that you can overcome them and move on.... these issues would've come up sooner or later, and in a way I think it's better that you work thru them now while in abstinence (u know what i mean!) rather than they come up when you are back in the world of food, not in regular contact with your LLC or even MMers on here.

Don't know if much of what I've said has made any sense, it was all a bit random, I'm v.tired, but chin up girl, we'll get thru this together!!

PM me anytime u need me hon x x x

 

[annaphylactic]

Hey honey - thanks for the message... we WILL do this... today, apart from the horrendous sickness this morning, has been quite good... have had three packs (woke up at 3pm, so have been trying to cram them in one after the other, hehe)... and am set on having my four tomorrow and not succumbing.

Have had an enlightening conversation with a friend of mine that has also been through a huge weightloss in the last year. I never knew her 'big' - only met her a couple of months ago... but I was explaining a little of how I am feeling... the self sabotage bits, and the testing people... and she echoed everything I said. She lost through 'normal' dieting - so she's never really feared food, but she finds it hard to believe who she is now - her mind is still catching up with her, and the transition is making her untrusting of people's positive strokes and suck like...

Anyway - that is kind of off topic. It's been a hard time - no doubt - but I will get through it... I'd just prefer to get there without too much more agonising pain and suffering. It's all about keeping things in perspective and remembering how well I have done so far - not letting the odd lapse in week 18 ruin the rest of it - this is life changing, and in the greater scheme of things it is, as people have said, a blip.

(Do I sound convincing??!)

I am doing my best... and that's all I can do.

Thank you all for your support xxxx


Also - Sarey,

Thanks for your message. Sorry to hear you have had losses too - it's not easy, huh? Particularly at this time of year.
I don't think my 'issues' have that much to do with the bereavement, of course, it is on my mind - but it's not connected I don't think. (Don't ask me how I know, I just feel it...) Regardless of that, thank you for reading through and offering your support - and don't worry, I don't think any of what you said was out of turn.. that is what this is about - putting stuff 'out there' and doing your best to get through each day, week, month - and also to try and get other's involvement in things you are feeling and experiencing.

xx

 

[izmirka]

i definitely know how you are feeling hun, i have very similar thoughts now that i didn't really have before CD. i constantly look in the mirror, and only see the bad aspects of my body, that is, stretchmarks, fat thighs, big belly, ugly boobs, etc etc, and i think some of us feel that way because we keep staring at our body all the time to check if we lost weight, and generally speaking we get very preoccupied with ourselves, whereas before the diet we were trying to not notice it. at least that is how it is with me. even now after losing the weight i still feel fat and would still like to lose more, i am afraid to eat now that i am done with Cambridge, i find it hard to eat anything for that matter because i am obsessing about gaining the weight back. i haven't been slim since i was around 7 years old, so i just cannot comprehend that now i am actually slimmer, and it might be similar with you.
i hope you are doing better now, and i am sure you can beat it!
P.S. you look drop dead gorgeous by the way!

 

[That's_So_Fetch]

Hi hun, i just wanted to pop and by and say i hope you're feeling better about LL and yourself. I dont really be about in the LL forums but from what i've read in this thread, you're an inspiration to everyone and I can see why. You have done so well and if you had the strength to do LL for so long, i am sure you will succeed with getting back on track with LL.

I am trying to restart CD myself and have experienced the same thoughts and feelings you have gone through, especially the self sabotage and the feelings about my body etc, so i know how difficult it can be. But stay positive and strong and you will succeed.

I think it might be a good idea to keep a mood diary if you can (i'm not sure if you already do this on LL) and note how you feel, when you feel it, if its related to food, any potential triggers, just so you can look over it and notice any patterns that occur with your relationship with your food, your body, with situations in your everyday life. Also remember to keep note of the positive things in your life too, even its something like how much water you drank or if you had all your packs today or anything relating to your life, it all adds up and you will see how much you have achieved.

I hope i havn't waffled on there abit. I just wanted to let you know what has worked for me and try to be of some help.

I hope you've had a good day though and you continue to succeed.

xx

ps i think you look beautiful in both your before and after pictures