I'm not coping well at all... but I'm determined to beat this. Again.

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by annaphylactic, 22 December 2008 Social URL.

  1. annaphylactic

    annaphylactic Guess who's back...?

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    Right then, by the looks of it I am not the only one that has gone a bit awol in the last few days, but I thought I would/should explain why, as unfortunately it was nothing to do with 'being sooo busy in the lead up to christmas' etc....

    I had another crap week.

    In fact, I can safely say I have just had the worst week of all. I ate pretty much every day - sometimes to the point of not having any foodpacks. I started obsessing about my body and took the challenge not to eat (apart from the odd nibble) and not have packs, so I would feel empty again. I knew that this behaviour was erratic and that is was doing nothing for me because:
    a) I wasn't getting my nutrients and was therefore putting my body/health into a bad state... and
    b) I was still eating tiny bits of the wrong food so although I was not technically 'bingeing' most of the time, I still wouldn't have been in ketosis and it was all worthless... but I carried on anyway.

    Since lapsing I have felt HUGE. In fact, I have been more repulsed by my body than ever - even pre-LL... and I have found myself getting really really low and preoccupied thinking about how fat I am, how I am a hopeless case, have learned nothing etc etc. All I wanted to do was eat - there and then - and I would grab food from the nearest source... supermarket, take away, shop etc because I felt like there was no point carrying on - I'd already sabotaged myself. Not very clever really.

    It is really tough to get down the right words about how I have been feeling - it's been one crooked thought after another and the first time I have really noticed how powerful and dangerous my mind is and how it has the control over me.

    At one point all I wanted was to get the food out of me... I considered purging, then laxatives, then sat back and took stock (luckily!) and realised that I was going to end up in a really unhealthy spiral and I had to stop and not let it get that bad.

    My poor OH has had to deal with me talking about stuff too... I try not to, but I can't help it - all of a sudden I am paranoid about my fat rolls on my belly, the way my skin folds in my waist when I bend over etc... the kinds of things I would never have worried about before...

    He said he didn't want to hear about it - he would support me, but I was being irrational and I had to stop thinking the way I was and get myself back on track. He gave me a book by Marya Romsbach (??) that is a memoir about her life with various eating disorders - about her dealing with her addiction to starvation. Really shocked me that he gave it to me.

    ANYWAY - I am not that bad yet - I just saw something in myself that really shocked me and so I went to see my counsellor today and told her everything about lapsing, avoiding foodpacks, feeling disgusting and fat, obsessing over tiny things etc etc and she really set my mind at rest. I'm now focused on the next seven days and determined to get back on track. I really want to make it to goal, and do route to management and learn things properly... this whole episode has really confirmed that I really have no clue how to treat food, how to react to it - and to identify hunger and emotion/crooked thinking.

    A very enlightening period really.... doesn't help that it is the TOTM and I'm all over the shop :p

    Luckily - extremely luckily - she weighed me and i've STS, so that's something... VERY glad I didn't lose again after the lapses or I'd be able to talk myself into doing it again...

    Sorry for going on again- just wanted to explain... this is one hell of an up and down journey - I've had my worst downs and here's hoping I am due an 'up' now :)

    Anna xx
     
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  3. 30FlirtyGirl

    30FlirtyGirl Call me Nicky xx

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    A journey is about understanding everything to get you to the place you need to reach. Although this episode has happened it has helped you to gather your thoughts and understand triggers that maybe before LL you didn't know were there.

    We will all have to face the ups and downs of our own journey but sharing those experiences with others will always help.

    I am glad that you managed to sort yourself out.

    Take Care and Merry Christmas xx
     
  4. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    hi there
    we haven't 'spoken' before as i'm new (starting in Jan) but I have been lurking a while.
    Just wanted to say that your 'story' was one of the first I followed - i have found what you post to be inspirational and your photos are fab.

    I'm sorry you have a bad week, but thanks for posting about it as it really useful to hear about the problems I' m going to be facing over the next few months - makes me feel prepared if that makes sense?

    I'm sure you will get back on track as you have done so well, you should be proud of yourself and don't beat yourself up about the last week
    daisy x
     
  5. Bijoux

    Bijoux Fat Fighter

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    Am glad you are in the right frame of mind to continue with your journey. You may not think so but I think you and many others on this site are a real inspiration. You've done so well and should be proud of your achievement. Here's to a better seven days for you.

    Merry Christmas x
     
  6. greentea

    greentea Full Member

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    anna i think your a very brave girl for facing up to what you have been doing over the last week and im sure its something you will learn from, you have such a strong character on here that im sure you have it in you to finish the program and all these little blips will be in the back of your mind to remind you why your really doing this,
    stay strong lady and well done for being able to carry on,
    p.s. on the verge of a massive lapse myself, those voices just wont go away
    xx
     
  7. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi honey

    I second everything said. At first your post worried me a little, if I am honest - but by the end of it you sound well grounded and you handled it beautofully by calling your LLC right away. Good girl.

    You are going through a lot. It's a tough month ;), you are changing dramatically inside and out, you have a new man in your life, and it is a crazy time. I'd just suggest taking time out to breathe, etc., while it continues to soak in.

    I'm proud of ya hon. You're doing very well.

    xx
     
  8. catznolan

    catznolan nearly there!! :)

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    i dont have much advise hunni cause i do think ur finding ur own way of dealing with these issues which is very important too.
    i had started to worry and was hoping u were ok, keep ur chin up over the coming week, itll be hard but u can get there xxxx
    sending hugs xxx
     
  9. vintella

    vintella Full Member

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    hey anna
    glad to hear that you've been able to start working through some difficult stuff. i get you with the obsessive weight issues be strong and keep talking to others it really does help!!
    sending lots of hugs
    ella
    x
     
  10. annaphylactic

    annaphylactic Guess who's back...?

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    Thank you... it's one 'arghhh bugger I lapsed' moment after the other at the moment, huh? Grrrr... nightmare.

    BL - yeah, I was worried too... I felt I was staring into the abyss of terrible behaviour - all very weird... but a HUGE wake up call, and hopefully I'll end up all the stronger because of it. Here's hoping! :)

    It has been a bit of a disaster, but I am back on track - at least, I've felt focused all day - I can only take one day at a time. I know Christmas Day is going to be a nightmare... but my LLC has given me some tips about what I should and shouldn't eat if I decide to eat on the day (not the plan, but I know over the last two weeks that I am quite compulsive and I may not even be back in ketosis by then, so could be even harder...), so at least that way part of me will know what is good and bad, and I hopefully won't get into my obsessive downwards spiral that will make Christmas even more gruelling than usual.

    ANYWAY - I'm off to have a shake... NOT a takeaway, a shake. YEY! :) I CAN DO THIS!!

    A xx
     
  11. babs11

    babs11 Full Member

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    hi anna hunny, sorry you've had such a tough time. you must remember how fantastically well you have done already and how lovely you're looking.
    with this type of diet you have to be very determined to stick to it but it isnt all about the goal. i started out at 15 stone, i left ll on week 12 or 13 and tried cd. started getting really light headed so decided to come off the diet and switch to ww. didnt like that as you're constantly weighing, measuring and counting. i'm now 11 stone 7 and at 5 foot 5 would like to be about 10 stone so i'm a little frustrated that i didnt stick it out that bit longer but i hate feeling ill and wasnt prepared to take any chances.
    i understand the feelings and thoughts you are having and what i'm trying to say don't keep beating yourself up because you lapsed, i think i part it happened because you have been feeling so great and thought you'd maybe sorted your issues around food.
    i know i eat the wrong food for the wrong reasons but now i have most of the weight off and my stomach is smaller i find i'm not pigging out and have managed to maintain so far. i'm going to join the gym in the new year and i have considered doing ll lite in jan to shift that last stone.
    i know food will always be my dirty little vice and as good as the ll councelling is its not really that in depth, this is a battle i will have for life but if i can keep up more good habits than bad it might be a battle i can win.
    if i could afford it i would definately consider private councelling, have you considered that.
    try not to focus on that goal weight, i'm sure some of us never thought we'd get anywhere near it so didn't take it too seriously.
    what i'm trying to say is enjoy what you've achieved.
    sorry about the garbled reply, you just seem like such a lovely girl its upsetting to see you tearing yourself apart.
    what advice would give your closest friend if he/she was in your posittion?

    love
    babs
    xx
    i'm gonna put mistletoe in my back pocket, then all the people that hate me can kiss my ass!!!!
     
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  12. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Hi Anna

    You remind me so much of me a few years ago. I am hoping to restart LL in January but originally did LL back in 2006. I was abstinent and lost 6 stones between the end of Jan and July of that year, but an impending move of house (from one side of the country to the other) made me go into maintenance a few weeks before I was mentally ready. I thought I was ready at the time because the longing for food was so great.

    I have recently been reminded about that period by reading back on my diary from that time and after only a week or so after introducing food I went totally off the rails and binged like there was no tomorrow. Of course the binging was nothing like the pre LL days (my body couldn't handle that much food) but what was striking was the mental effect it had on me. The start of your post could have been written by me, the feelings of desperation, grabbing food wherever I could and feeling out of control, all the while hating the look and feel of my actually slim body (saggy skin and spaniels ears for boobs). My head just hadn't caught up with the rest of me. I was so scared that I hadn't learnt a thing and would be a failure.

    My LLC was an absolute saviour in those days and talked me off some very narrow ledges. She explained it is only natural to feel like that but you can overcome these things. That would have all been well and good for me except that I moved over 300 miles from my LLC and my group and have floundered on my own. That is why 3 years later I have put some (but not all) of my weight back on. I am determined this time to complete the journey - to the bitter end this time.

    I have rambled a bit but I guess the point I was trying to make is that you are not alone in your feelings and also that the support of your LLC is invaluable - use her as much as you need - that is why you pay the money. My LLC said to me that no matter how bad things got (binging every week) that I never quit and that was important - keep trucking and you will get there eventually.

    Sending you lots of love and hugs.
    Sarah xxx
     
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  13. pete10141748

    pete10141748 Postaholic

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    Sorry to hear you've had a bad week Anna, but you said it yourself - YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Better than that, you ARE doing this.

    I'm glad to hear that you're on top of those bad thoughts, they won't do you any good at all so throw them away forever right now!


    *raises his shake to Anna's, toast-style*
    "Here's to a better week and a great Xmas!"

    :)
     
  14. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi Babs

    You bring up a very good point, adn something I was just thinking about earlier today....

    I do notice how often we are able to be supportive with and for each other, yet when it comes to ourselves.....it can so often be a different story....and we do tend to beat ourselves up and see only the negative aspect - what we immediately perceive as failure.

    So - I just wanted to say - that is a very good point.....we need to remember to be just as gracious/forgiving/understanding, etc., with ourselves, as we are for others.

    And babs - lovin the misseltoe quote. :D

    Anna hon - I hope you are feeling better tonight. <<hugs>>

    nite all!

    x
     
  15. Guy

    Guy Likes to lurk

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    Anna,

    I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling and I can't really say much more that what's already been said in this thread. What I can say though is please don't withdraw from here during times like this. It's when you need us the most. We won't judge you. With that said, you sound like you have turned a corner. Just think of how far you've come. Making that step to talk to/confess all to your LLC is a good indication of how much you've changed. I can't speak for you but I was a big time sufferer of 'Oh I've had a bad week so I'll have a chinese and start again on Monday'. It was like my motto. I'm pleased to see that you're not like that and have taken the bull by the horns.

    Circumstances and events do not dictate who you are. It's down to you to get back on track and I know you can do it!

    I'm sorry but I think a bit of good old Winston applies here. :p

    "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."


    and we all know how it ended. :)


    //sings National Anthem
     
  16. Angiebobanji

    Angiebobanji Member

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    I think you are such a strong person for doing this. I hope the weeks ahead are a little easier on you. Don't forget how pretty you really are!
     
  17. annaphylactic

    annaphylactic Guess who's back...?

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    Thank you all... I will get there - it's just a bit hard at the moment... I feel sick constantly - in fact, today I woke up with crippling stomach pain and trapped air on my chest (hard to explain, but was grim) and spent an hour on the loo, thinking I was going to pass out, throw up, have upset, collapse from the pain etc, goosebumps and sweat etc... it was the worst I can ever remember feeling. Didn't go to work, and eventually found a position in bed where I wasn't in agony and fell asleep... have just woken up - tummy pain has pretty much gone but I still feel a bit nauseous...

    The worst part of all is I think I know the culprit... I lapsed again last night. ARGHH. I was so good all day, had no intention of lapsing - then went to see a friend last night. He has had a lifetime of issues with food and was a good level headed person to knock some sense into me about the lapses. All was fine and then we got onto the topic of trigger smells. I told him that toast was one of mine - the girls at work make toast every morning, and although I never really was a 'toast' person, the smell is just incredible... and he said for him it was a certain fast food/take away smell that did that, despite the fact he didn't like it to 'eat', the smell always tried to trick him into wanting it.

    Shortly after I was saying my goodbyes and, realising I had no money on me (a tactic to stop me buying on a whim), I asked him if I could borrow £3... he asked why and I said I needed some cigarettes and only had a few quid in the car. The lie came SO easily... and that was that... I got in the car, drove straight there, ordered, drove home and pretty much inhaled the food before I could think about it. It was the first time I have eaten out and out 'crap'... my other lapses have been 'reasonably' balanced... but this was pure grease and my god, I knew about it this morning.

    I am so tempted not to go to my sister's tomorrow for christmas... all the shops will be shut, and I will have no temptation - I'll be able to sit quietly, watch xmas tele and give myself the time to get back on the straight and narrow and into ketosis... I've never had a problem when I'm there.... all my lapses have been so close together - I've never had a chance to get back in...

    I am sure that a few of you are going to start thinking bad of me, and I can't blame you. Someone falling off the wagon and being offered support and advice is one thing... doing it twice is irritating, but a cycle some go through - but repeatedly is just plain rude, and I cannot expect you all to continue supporting me when I am stood here, metaphorically like a little girl with her fingers in her ears shouting 'la-la-la-la-la!'... I mean, even the best willed of us would give in.

    And I think this is the crux of it... I am testing everyone else, but in the process only really causing myself hurt and upset. This is something my counsellor suggested, and only as I write this am I sure that she hit upon something.

    My OH knew me when I was bigger and nothing ever happened despite the odd 'date' and kiss... now I am slimmer, we're together... maybe I am 'testing' him, to see if he really likes me or the new slimmer figure....

    With you lot - maybe I am trying to push you all to tell me the things I am telling myself - that I'm useless and I've failed... and when you don't, I just do it again.

    With myself, maybe I am scared of becoming someone unknown... I can't recall being slimmer than I am now... and I am consciously self-sabotaging myself at this '12 stone exactly' level.

    I need to get myself back on track - not only for my weightloss, and for the sake of making this programme worthwhile, and not just another flash in the pan attempt... but also for my mental issues... I have touched upon 'health stuff' that I have lived with over previous years... namely a condition called Panic Disorder... a heightened sense of Anxiety. It has been so bad that I would go to work, my mum's house and home - the three places I felt safe... and no where else. I would spin out of control and have raging upset stomachs if I so much as thought about going somewhere vaguely new or different... even driving scared me... I was ok, but the idea of a traffic jam or even a red light terrified me... what if I needed the loo? What if I couldn't get to a toilet? I have always suffered with IBS (part of the attraction to the RTM side of LL), and the stress of my anxiety would trigger this in a severe way leading me to live a paralysed existence for about six years. Not fun.

    SO - I have found that eating has brought a lot of these fears and feelings back. Having food in my tummy means that now, technically, I 'could' have an upset tummy at any time, and without meaning to I am avoiding doing things that aren't at a 'safe' location with loos, people I know really well etc.... my OH suggested go karting with some of his friends that I've never met last week and I wanted to throw up. I don't want to end up back in this spiral... I've been fine, great in fact, all the way through LL to this point.

    This has turned into another rambling post... I really should make better use of my blog and stop boring the pants off you lot...

    I just want to feel in control again - I have the power, but I'm justr letting it slip through my fingers and it's driving me mad. I am waiting for my frustrations to kick my ass into gear... once again, moving the responsibility onto something/someone else.

    I am glad I am identifying things... I have more of an understanding of myself - the problem is that when things happen I go numb... auto pilot... fixated.

    I am sure many of you won't be around over Christmas (on here), but if any of you are, i'm hoping to be too... depending on whether my sis has internet/wireless set up at her house.

    A frazzled Anna xx
     
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  19. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi Anna

    I don't know if this has been discussed yet, but I am going to throw something at you to mull over. I am not suggesting at all this is what's happening, but your situation struck a chord with me and reminded me of a really destructive pattern I repeated for years.....

    If I look back now, I realise, I had a lot of near successes, in all sorts of things. Dieting - we'll get that out of the way as its a given, but also relationships, jobs/own business, goals, etc. I'd never quite get there though, get it right! And I always felt defeated, down-trodden and hard done by. ANd it was one more knock that would set me back.

    Then, the perpetual phoenix - I'd pull it together, try to rise above it all and have another go at whatever it was.

    Things would improve, and get exciting - and then start getting really good - and then BHAM! Something would happen, I'd roll down the proverbial hill and have to start all over again.

    I could never understand what I did to deserve all these dissappointments. It woudl get me extremely depressed, and I would spend a lot of time crying. Why were the things I wanted MOST in life always unobtainable!!

    I have realised, though I do not completely understand yet the "why's" of it all - but I know I was self sabotaging myself. The things I wanted most - were also things that I was afraid of. For me, it was mainly love. I was eternally dissappointed in my first marraige....and it became almost a habit to be dissappointed. It all kind of became a self-fulfilled prophecy. Any time I got happy - I think I would freak out, and run from it, causing some drama, which kicked me back to the bottom again.

    I suppose some of it was not feeling worthy. But it's more complex then that, I think, and I have not completely worked out all of the why's and what's for me. I just know, it is really easy to stop us from letting go - and GETTING our dreams - realising they ARE for us - just like they are for all those others we have watched and wondered, why them and not me.

    Gosh - is any of this making sense?? I am really tired tonight, and this has turned into quite a ramble!! I just thought I would share with you, as it might provide another angle to look at what's happening.

    I hope it helps - lol - I think I have just confused me though. :rotflmao:

    Take care hon!! It WILL all come together for you - it's all part of a very important process. :)

    xx
     
    Last edited: 23 December 2008
  20. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    OK Anna, I'm in work and unable to do justice to the response that I really want to give you, but the above paragraph is a starting point.

    I sincerely doubt that anyone will think bad of you - I certainly don't - been there - got the t-shirt - as I mentioned in my previous post - bingers r us was my motto at the end of my LL journey.

    I'll be back later to check on you (not in a discipinarian way, just to check if you're ok) but in the meantime I can only send hugs xxx
     
  21. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    blonde logic you talk so much sense, for reason that i haven't quite figured out yet why or how to control, i seem to have a self destructive streak a mile wide, whnever things are going well i sabotage myself. think i am scared of getting to target cos it wont solve all the other things. i have to tackle them seperately but until i'm ready to do that its easy to blame my unhappiness on being over weight.

    Anna i hope you can work this out, christmas is a weird time of year, whatever diet or plan you are following so hang it there.
     
  22. annaphylactic

    annaphylactic Guess who's back...?

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    Hey Blonde - I think you have touched upon something there... there is the fear of 'not' failing...

    Also, for as long as I can remember I have had excuses...

    I got pregnant young... lost it... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

    I had cancer issues... panicked... had treatment... gained weight (it wasn't my fault, i'd "been through alot")

    Lost 3 stone through the Atkins Diet - people were proud of me, I fell off the wagon at 11.5 stone and binged on pastries... put on a 4.5 stone over the following years...

    Step-dad diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease... gained weight... there was more important things to worry about (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

    Step-dad died, holding my hand... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

    Did Low GI Diet... managed to lose 1.5 stone, but I kept pushing the boundaries until I fell off...

    Met ex-boyfriend... gained weight - he would feed me constantly... he liked me 'bigger', I felt desired, and that was all I craved (it wasn't my fault, "Tom keeps feeding me")

    Dad died, suddenly over xmas 07... gained weight... I was grieving, I didn't care (it wasn't my fault, I was"going through alot")

    SUMMER 2008 - WOKE UP... I wasn't affecting anyone but ME. Making excuses and shifting blame was helping no one.

    Started Lighter Life... get three quarters of the way through - everyone being so nice to me... and I start to give in...

    Come on you lot... I know there must be something in my behaviour over the past 8 years... what is the link... what cycle must I break... it all seems too huge at the moment... an elephant in the room.

    Anna x
     
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