I've made my decision

[Yasmine]

I'm going to do refeed again. I think I'll do it for about 3 weeks. So after my weigh in on saturday and seeing the damage, I'm going to start a new again. And this time, I'm going to be sensible.

I've had my taste of chocs and all that other junk. Turns out that I don't really like chocolate anymore, it gives me a headache and a tummy ache no matter how much I seem to eat.

I ordered the maintenance formula samples and I still have some LT shakes. So I'm going to be doing this.

I know some of you will be dissapointed, but I sort of don't feel ready to eat again, if you get what I mean.

Without the comfort zone, I feel unstable and I feel that I still need to have time off to think about why I've been behaving the way I have been.

I am really glad that I have come to realise what I have been doing before it became worse and ended up into a eating disorder.

You see, this is really uncomfortable to say, but I feel that I can trust you guys. I can't say what I've done to my family, because they will end up sending me to the doctors and probably end up monitering me and force feeding me.

I have been forcing myself to purge. Everytime that I felt full, it was off to the loo to get rid of the damage that I felt I was doing to myself. I started to think that food was the enemy again. I was starting to see myself fat, my mum said that there is no difference in my appearance, but I wa starting to see something else. It was really starting to mess with me, but I'm glad that I am aware of what I was doing before it went completely out of control.

I know when I was on LT and on this forum, I seem to be strong, determined and sensible, but I am just like every other individual on this site. I have many weaknesses, I make stupid mistakes and I am afraid of doing the slightest thing wrong. And when things do go wrong, I panic and I can't help myself. I'm prone to having many panic attacks, I've had countless panic attacks since the age of 15 and they began getting worse from that age onwards.

All I'm saying is that I don't feel safe right now. Being around real food again so far has been so frightening. In a way, yes, I am afraid of food but at the same time, I do have the mental strength to realise that food is not the enemy.

It's just that control I don't seem to have at the moment. Going back on refeed is like hitting the reset button.

I don't have any support at home, and I really hope you guys will understand that I really have to do this. I usually am able to stand on my own, but when it comes to food and weight managment, I'm in deperate need of guidance.

Sorry to ramble on like this, but for me, minimins is kind of like an online shrink for me heh.

Thanks.

 

[glammam]

Oh Yasmine, I have just been looking at your diary now. I am so sorry that you have had a bad time of it all lately. You know you have done brilliantly and it is scary the prospect of putting weight back on. I know how you feel but please try to stop worrying. Try to focus on your energies on college and other areas in your life instead of food. If you feel doing the refeed plan will give you more of a structure until you feel confidant about your own food choices again then perhaps that will help. I wish I could say something of more use to you. I have to go for my appointm now but I will come back on here later. Hope you are ok. xxxx

 

[RachieRoo]

Hey Yas!

Just wanted to send my support, hugs and the advice I always give: Take it one day at a time hun -everyday's a milestone! Take it steady, talk to us and dont be afraid to ask for help !x

 

[KD]

Please Yasmine, this is going to sound very harsh, but I am concerned for you :hug99:

I'm going to do refeed again. I think I'll do it for about 3 weeks. So after my weigh in on saturday and seeing the damage, I'm going to start a new again. And this time, I'm going to be sensible.

You wont know whether you are going to be 'sensible' or not until you get there

I've had my taste of chocs and all that other junk. Turns out that I don't really like chocolate anymore, it gives me a headache and a tummy ache no matter how much I seem to eat.

So you've learnt something from the experience, but you still want to take a step back, rather than build on that lesson?

I know some of you will be dissapointed,

A tad, but not surprised, because until you can get the mindset right ie, be pleased with how you look, and work towards getting a good relationship with food, rather than just concentrate on what the scales say, then you will find maintenance harder than necessary and you will set yourself up for failure.

Without the comfort zone, I feel unstable and I feel that I still need to have time off to think about why I've been behaving the way I have been.

I'm not sure how you think taking a step back at this stage will help. It's moving forward that we learn that, not moving back. At the beginning it's good to take a step away from food, but when you get to the practical stage of reintroducing more foods that's when you really get to learn how to cope with it.

I am really glad that I have come to realise what I have been doing before it became worse and ended up into a eating disorder.

Taking a step back at this stage is more likely to lead to having an eating disorder.

I have been forcing myself to purge.

Which is exactly what will happen if your mindset is in the wrong place! Going back a step isn't going to cure that, just make it worse. Eating disorders come (in the main) from dieting, and often strict dieting. It's even more important for you to move on to 'normal' eating.

my mum said that there is no difference in my appearance,

Which there wont be because you haven't put on fat.

but I wa starting to see something else.

Classic sign of an eating disorder appearing.

It's just that control I don't seem to have at the moment. Going back on refeed is like hitting the reset button.

Sounds more like hitting the self destruct button to me. You know when you see someone just about to run into a bus and you give this silent scream of "noooooooo". That's kind of what I'm doing now

I don't have any support at home, and I really hope you guys will understand that I really have to do this.

Oh I understand. I've been on these types of forums for too long, and read enough, and experienced enough, not to get some sort of understanding of why people with eating disorders act the way they do.

I'm in deperate need of guidance.

You are, but I don't think you'll take it

Look Yasmine, the last thing I want you to do if be scared of letting us know your thoughts and feelings, so please don't stop posting because of this message. I do care and I am concerned. Please try to speak to your pharmacist or doctor about this :hug99:

 

[RachieRoo]

Excellent advice given by KD! x

 

[kered]

Hi Yasmine, first of all big hugs to you babe, I really mean that and wish that I could come and give you a great big hug right now.

Well I cant say that I am surprised by what you have written as in a way I have been expecting it, I could see your fears about 3 months ago when I questioned the bmi you wanted to go to, which was a lot lower than you are now and I remember questioning you about it, but anyway, thats besides the point.

I do actually think you are taking a step backwards in doing what you intend to do after your weigh in on Saturday, by going back to re-feed which will include your shakes. Personally I would much prefer to see you having 3 sensible meals a day and maybe a snack of a piece of fruit in between or a couple of brazil nuts, or something along those lines.

Have you considered going to your Doctors and speaking to him about your fears and relationship with food? I think that would do you a great deal of good to speak to someone in the professional field who knows about eating disorders, because I really do think you are heading towards an eating disorder if you dont already have one - and I dont mean that to sound harsh hun, because I dont mean it to be harsh.

Keep posting Yasmine, and I know you are a very sensible young lady, but I do hope you will have a re-think about going back on the shakes and consider trying to have 3 healthy meals a day.

More big hugs Yasmine, xxxxx

 

[Michillinwoman]

Hi Yas,

I actually read your post a few hours ago but couldnt bring myself to answer. I am so worried about you girl . I am a lifetime slimmer so I totally understand your worries with food but I would never put my health in danger . I would think of my family and would not want to hurt them.Life is short Yas and you cant be enjoying it at the moment.

I dont want to advise you because i am not qualified to do so but I do feel you should speak to someone who is. Do you have a councillor at your college or a family friend who might help you to contact someone.

Please try to eat healthily and not purge as this is very dangerous. You are a beautiful girl and you dont need to be doing this to yourself.

You said you trust the people on here so listen to what people are saying .

Thinking of you

 

[Yasmine]

Thank you everyone for your concerns.

I know you may think that going back on the shakes is taking a step back, in a way it is, but I'm always happy with starting again. I wanted to go back on the actual 3 shakes a day for a week rather than just refeeding, I still have some shakes left over and I was going to use them like I did when on the programme, but I don't have enough for a week so I can't.

I really do appreciate your concerns, but I really have made my mind up. If I don't do it, I'll really be kicking myself.

I know making myself sick was so stupid, but I like throwing up. It feels relieving to me, and when it gives me that empty feeling, I feel tons better. Twisted I know, but I promise to stop. I've got pain in the back of my throat from doing it and I read up on the side effects. I guess it was also a way of punishment for allowing myself to eat like a total pig.

Glammam, thank you. I would go see a councelor, but then again, I don't want them to make a fuss and I'm sure my parents will get invilved and then it will be this big fat mess. And my parents would never understand. My mother has always showed off to me about her size 8 figure when she was young, and how she perfect she was, my dad always made comments about my weight. They won't understand because they won't want to. I'd rather keep this on the down low. My parents have never known about me purging, and if they did, well, I'll probably end up fat faster than you can say the word 'it'.

Rache thank you too, I will keep posting. You guys and this site is what kept me going on LT and I need your support now as much as I did back then. Thank you :hug99:

KD, don't even give it a second thought. I fully appreciate what you have said and the way you've said it, it's all ok. You haven't hurt me, and you haven't put me off replying or posting at all. Every point you've made is true, and I know I should take your word for it. But as I said, I really want to do this. I want to get my weight back down, because I am pretty sure I've gone up 7lbs in the last week. Maybe not in fat, but even weight in water scares me. Reading about the whole glycogen thing has gotten me worked up.
Please understand that I've really got to do this. I want to get down to target as soon as possible, if not I don't then I've failed myself. Thank you for your support. :hug99:

Thanks Mary. Yeah, I remember the whole BMI thing. I'm just obbsessed. I've always been fat and now I'm finally thin, I don't want to let this go. As I've mentioned, I have made my decision. I want to get my weight down to wear I wanted it originally, at 10st, that way, I won't worry if it goes up by 4lbs because that's where I got off LT.

But I am taking for what you and the others are saying into account, I hope you and the others don't think I'm being ignorant or anything. And once again, thank you all so much for understanding and helping me out. I will be sure to keep posting. And I promise to stop purging. I really do.
:hug99:

And Michillinwoman, thank you as well. I've pretty much said everything with everyone else. But thank you very much for your concerns and advice. I really do appreciate it :hug99:

 

[JanD]

I missed this thread because I haven't been around much in the last couple of days.

I'm hoping to find another thread I've missed that says you've had a rethink Yas!

I can't stress enough how much I agree with what everyone has said.

"I know making myself sick was so stupid, but I like throwing up. It feels relieving to me, and when it gives me that empty feeling, I feel tons better. Twisted I know, but I promise to stop. I've got pain in the back of my throat from doing it and I read up on the side effects. I guess it was also a way of punishment for allowing myself to eat like a total pig. "

Bulimics know all this too .... they do it anyway as well, they promise to stop also ..... ???

"I really do appreciate your concerns, but I really have made my mind up. If I don't do it, I'll really be kicking myself."

Why? .....
You're going back to your safety zone where there are no choices and you therefore can't make a 'wrong' one or perhaps more pertinantly just don't have to make any decisions.

"But as I said, I really want to do this. I want to get my weight back down, because I am pretty sure I've gone up 7lbs in the last week. Maybe not in fat, but even weight in water scares me. Reading about the whole glycogen thing has gotten me worked up.
Please understand that I've really got to do this. I want to get down to target as soon as possible, if not I don't then I've failed myself. "

NO Yas you haven't!!
Why do you have to do it as soon as possible???? You know in your heart that you'd be far better spending a few weeks trying to get your relationship with food onto some sort of even keel - during which time some weight may well drop off as well - than taking this massive backward step and learning nothing because you're going to be in exactly the same situation in a couple of weeks.
You're being very short-sighted. This is not about getting to be as light as you can as fast as you can. This is about finding a way to have a healthy relationship with food for the rest of your life. Sometime or another you're going to have to stop and face that and DO it. Far Far better to do it now than go through another 30 years terrified of it and obsessed by it and its' effects.

I absolutely agree that it would be good for you to talk to someone. There should be counsellors in college and at your age everything SHOULD be confidential. Certainly once you are 18 anything said in a counselling environment is totally confidential. The only things counsellors are obliged to disclose is any information you may give them about any acts of terrorism - which they can do without discussing it with you. Also if you express the desire to physically harm yourself they would need to inform your GP but they would do that after discussing it with you and encouraging you to be part of that disclosure process, not behind your back.

My point is that there would be no need for any of your family to become involved in your counselling process, it's completely private.

You can also access counselling services through your GP practice. Nobody at the practice would be able to tell your family anything - even that you were seeing someone at all, never mind what it was about.

I don't know what else to say to you Yas. You MUST keep posting. Don't be put off by thinking we might have another 'go' at you. All we can do is offer what we believe to be our best advice - always given with love and affection I'm sure you know, but at the end of the day you are a grown up (weeeeel nearly ) person, making your own decisions and choices and that's to be respected too.

Please let us know how you're getting on xxx

 

[glammam]

I'm sorry Yasmine when I read your post I took it to mean that you were going to continue to follow the refeed plan i.e the menus for the last 4-7 days. I didn't realise you meant you were going to go back completely on the shakes. You have been doing so well on the refeed eating plan. Why don't you try to stick to that and give yourself some structure to your diet. It is terrible to see you like this. You have shown such willpower and determination, you can do this. Try to stick to the refeed eating plan and the healthy diet you have been doing. There is no need to punish yourself like this, you know exactly what to do, and you can do it. I hope you are ok Yas, and please keep posting. Big hugs xxxx

 

[LondonIrishOllie]

Yas,

there is no point repeating what everyone has said on this, there's nothing more to say only personally Im very very worried about you. making yourself sick and enjoying it, going back on LT for really no reason, come on Yas, time to move on to the new challenge of maintaining and not returning to old ways when things seem to get tough.
YOU WILL NOT GET FAT AGAIN! you cant rely on LT to keep you thin. You are so young and things could spiral the wrong way if you start thinking this. LT was the quick fix to get you healthy again, it should not be used to keep you healthy cos it won't! It is a diet product not a health product and going back on it to undo your very little wrong early this week is not the right way to go about it. You now undo your wrongs by doing rights, have some naughty things, work hard in gym that week.

My friend is running marathon this weekend, I went to see him while I was on LT. he had choc, lots of full fat milk, he had fish and chips, lots of brown bread and on the other side then had lots of healthy food. Asked him isnt it bad to eat crap food like that. Moderation was his answer. He works hard, he can enjoy life too. Just cos you had a few bad days doesn mean you can do what you do, and more importantly it doesnt mean you NEED to do what you do.. You dont!

reconsider for you, and just you

 

[kered]

Yas - where are you hun?

Hope you are well. Just wanted to send you big hugs and love xxx

 

[dd26]

Yasmine, I just read this post cos have just got bk from holiday. Everyone has given really sound advice and there seems to be nothing to add. But one thing you said about counselling and not wanting your parents involved - my mum is a counsellor and it is 100% confidential.
They won't make a fuss or get your parents involved hun so don't let that put you off.
Hope you're ok - keep posting chick x

 

[IrishMum]

Hi Yas, I completely missed this as I don't venture on here, just the regular LT forum.

I had an eating disorder for over 15yrs. I didn't have 'bulimia' as such, as I never binged. But I got rid of every bite that went into my mouth. And I never weighed less than 12stone. I thought I had to do this to stay at that weight, and was terrified that if I ate 'normally', that I'd balloon!

In January 2008, I decided enough was enough. Food was no longer going to rule my life. I hid the scales away, got rid of all the processed/pre-packaged foods I had, and ate nothing but weetabix or porridge for breakfast, and fresh veg and simple chicken, fish or lean beef for lunch/dinner for a whole month. I didn't deprive myself- I ate pretty big portions (bigger than I should have probably!)- and lost 10lbs during that month! Something clicked in me then. I realised I could eat and not gain weight. I'm 'lucky' in that I did no permanent damage to my body- but I have read of bulimics who have died after a purging session because their bodies simply fail them.
I agree with everyone else on here- I think you need to keep having 'real' food, even if you take it very slowly, as you need to realise that you're not a medical phenomena- you are not the only person on the planet that cannot eat like a regular person! I'm not being flippant, but I don't want to get all 'heavy' on you.
Ask your GP to refer you to a dietitian. If your family query it, just say you want advice on how to maintain your new weight, and want to do it properly- they shouldn't make a big deal if you put it like that?
Remember- you're not alone, and you have done amazingly well- don't let your inner 'fat' person convince you you don't deserve to be happy & healthy! Banish them for good!:hug99: