Just hung up on my mother...

[largelesley]

Thats the thing they say things and then they usually forget
If your anything like me you play the conversation in your head over and over thinking should i have done this or that
Hope you are better today and clearly she was in the wrong take care xx

 

[RegField]

Tiptoeing around people, pandering to their tempers, only makes them worse. They believe that they can get away with anything and we prove them right!

I have a friend who has put up with her mother's temper tantrums and sulking for years and years. Whatever happened, her mother would win because no-one would stand up to her.

Until one day recently my friend said that enough was enough and she wasn't having it any more. She has children of her own now and she hated the way that "don't upset Mum" was turning into "don't upset Granny" and that her children were growing up believing that being nasty was the way to get what you want.

She says that it is really hard, but she is being firm and polite and refusing to get upset and finally it seems to be working.

 

[Beth_1308]

Goodness this whole thing sounds so familiar. My relationship with my Mother used to be the same, I was constantly walking on egg shells so worried in case I did something wrong. Then one day it changed, I read an article about abusive relationships and realised I was in one with her. Since that point I have distanced myself and am happier for it, she brought so much negativity in to my life that I was constantly miserable. It might shock people that I choose to have no relationship with her but just because you are related does not mean you have to have a relationship. I believe that you should surround yourself with loving, supportive people and if she chooses not to be one of them...so be it.

 

[Medusa]

Goodness this whole thing sounds so familiar. My relationship with my Mother used to be the same, I was constantly walking on egg shells so worried in case I did something wrong. Then one day it changed, I read an article about abusive relationships and realised I was in one with her. Since that point I have distanced myself and am happier for it, she brought so much negativity in to my life that I was constantly miserable. It might shock people that I choose to have no relationship with her but just because you are related does not mean you have to have a relationship. I believe that you should surround yourself with loving, supportive people and if she chooses not to be one of them...so be it.

Sometimes I wish I could Beth. I'm not sentimental about stuff like that - as I've become older I've become far more callous about the negative people in my life.

My children already hate her snide little digs at their father (OK he IS a complete arsehole but I've worked hard NOT to have our history impact on their love for him, even if that's made me look like the baddie). My goodness if she even knew half the facts! Their "love" for her is duty bound tbh.

BUT...there's my father. He's a dote, quite often a frustrating pain in the arse but still my lovely dad. If I distance myself from her I lose him too...as do my kids. My daughter adores her Pops.

 

[kingleds]

Medusa - i admire you for not being harsh about your ex in front of the kids. My dad never said a bad word about my mum - even though she abandoned him in a foreign country with 2 small kids to look after! My nan was another story - she had nothing but bad things to say about my mum - shame she was right, but still would have been better if she hadn't.

In an ideal world you should be able to explain to your mum how her behaviour affects you & the kids, but i get that would make things difficult with your dad so biting your tongue might be the only safe option. We are always here to vent to!

 

[Maximus]

Well to quote Peter Kay - "If it's not one thing it's your mother"

 

[kingleds]

Well to quote Peter Kay - "If it's not one thing it's your mother"

Lol!

 

[Medusa]

Max - I MUCH prefer:

They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f***ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Well I have two and only hope I am self aware enough to buck the trend.

 

[missfortissimo]

My mom's mum is VERY much like that!! She can be very cold and mean. I can sympathize with that! :heartpump:

 

[judimac]

Been there! Got the t-shirt. I often think it's a control thing. My mother used to play my sister and myself against each other till we clocked what she was up to. I don't think I can ever remember a spontanoeous cuddle either. And my dad was such a lovely gentle man. She never visited either my sister or myself in hospital when we had our tonsils out as "she thought it would upset us" Yeh, right!

 

[Medusa]

I think she's very disappointed I'm not the daughter she'd like me to be. She would like me to be a touchy feely, bezzie mates type of daughter now I'm older but I can't suddenly become that when I've spent most of my life treading on eggshells around her and even hugging her feels awkward. btw both my kids have been cuddled constantly and even my soon to be 17 year old son still likes a good cwtch.

So many people think I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful, caring mother (she was a guide leader for many years and many thought she was brilliant and supportive and caring) and I think she does care in her own special way - just not in a more "normal" way. And I see why - her own mother was very difficult and I think she can't always step back and move on from that. She does know her own mother could be a complete cow and insisted that'd never be her but I'm not sure she realises she is becoming more like her.

Anyway...still no contact but I have to call tomorrow and explain we can't come down Friday as daughter has her birthday sleepover. Which I suspect will mean she thinks I'm deliberately arranging things to thwart her plans. Oh, and she'll still be expecting an apology for my previous behaviour".