Kids with problems at school

[*Emsie*]

My son is having problems with his behaviour at school.
He is bright and says he wants to behave etc but then it all goes to pot :sigh:
I don't know what to do to get him sorted so worried he is going to get himself excluded and bugger up his future despite being so bright ...and hes not even 10 till next week!

 

[jaylou]

Have you spoken to the teacher to see if something is triggering his bad behaviour? Is he well behaved at home?
Not teaching you to suck eggs but does he get enough sleep, plenty of good food and have a decent breakfast? Does he take money to school and buy sweets etc? Sometimes certain foods can trigger outbursts with kids.

He's old enough for you to talk to though so I wonder if there's something underlying.... Is someone having a go at him which triggers his bad behaviour?

Sorry, not very helpful but didn't want to read and run - I just know my friend's boy was a bit naughty, tried to run out of school, kicking kids etc - he was being picked on by the bigger kids but wouldn't talk about it, just bottled it up and hit out.

 

[clairex]

Sometimes if they find the work too easy they can act up, is he a little genius? Maybe he's not being challenged enough. My friends boy was the same, they moved him up a year and now he's great.

 

[*Emsie*]

Have you spoken to the teacher to see if something is triggering his bad behaviour? Is he well behaved at home?
Not teaching you to suck eggs but does he get enough sleep, plenty of good food and have a decent breakfast? Does he take money to school and buy sweets etc? Sometimes certain foods can trigger outbursts with kids.

He's old enough for you to talk to though so I wonder if there's something underlying.... Is someone having a go at him which triggers his bad behaviour?

Sorry, not very helpful but didn't want to read and run - I just know my friend's boy was a bit naughty, tried to run out of school, kicking kids etc - he was being picked on by the bigger kids but wouldn't talk about it, just bottled it up and hit out.

We've had meetings and spoken to teachers etc but just don't seem to be getting anywhere and his behaviour seems to be getting worse.
The triggers seem a bit haphazard but a lot down to insecurities with friendships and how he looks to the others etc
He doesn't have a good diet to be honest but not sure how to swing that round somewhat ironically!
We try to get him to bed reasonably early etc and he does have a breakfast of weetabix or porridge so thats not bad.
Thanks for commenting.
Its hard to explain the situation as its so complex but just needed to air it somewhere before I explode :cry:

 

[*Emsie*]

Sometimes if they find the work too easy they can act up, is he a little genius? Maybe he's not being challenged enough. My friends boy was the same, they moved him up a year and now he's great.

He is a very very bright boy! Where did your friend move their child to another school do you mean? x

 

[clairex]

He is a very very bright boy! Where did your friend move their child to another school do you mean? x

No from what I gather they have just done testing, found the work is too easy and moved him up to year 4! He was being a nightmare, now he's as good as gold.

 

[*Emsie*]

No from what I gather they have just done testing, found the work is too easy and moved him up to year 4! He was being a nightmare, now he's as good as gold.

The trouble is despite being clever for eg having just coming 4th in the year in an english test he refuses to do work and says its hard sometimes so can't see them doing that with him. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest....well another meeting it seems hoping that he doesn't get expelled in the meantime and that some use will actually come of it!
Thanks for your comments x

 

[-Laura-]

The trouble is despite being clever for eg having just coming 4th in the year in an english test he refuses to do work and says its hard sometimes so can't see them doing that with him.

I went through a horrible phase at school where my behaviour was appalling, and no-one could figure out why because I was 'really clever'. Trouble was, I'd hit a point where I didn't just 'get' things any more and had to work at it, which was completely new to me. I didn't know how to handle this whole 'work' and 'effort' thing, so I used my behaviour as an avoidance tactic rather than risk losing face when I was so used to being top of the class. I'm probably way off, but reading this reminded me of that.. just another angle perhaps?

 

[Lucky7]

Well they haven't been back that long, so hopefully he'll settle down better soon. The boys often take a while to sort out their pecking order - maybe he's worried about being seen as a bit of a swot by some of the other lads (or girls).

When you say bad behaviour, what sort of thing are we talking about??

 

[*Emsie*]

I went through a horrible phase at school where my behaviour was appalling, and no-one could figure out why because I was 'really clever'. Trouble was, I'd hit a point where I didn't just 'get' things any more and had to work at it, which was completely new to me. I didn't know how to handle this whole 'work' and 'effort' thing, so I used my behaviour as an avoidance tactic rather than risk losing face when I was so used to being top of the class. I'm probably way off, but reading this reminded me of that.. just another angle perhaps?

This really struck a chord with me. We have had problems for a long time but it went mad last year and I think this is what happened. At the end of the previous year he got a maths award for being 'a human calculator' all the kids were calling his name out as they knew he would get it! Then a couple of weeks into the next school year he was refusing to do some maths because he didn't want to etc and it just didnt improve much at all!
Do you know how you got over/through it when it happened to you? x

 

[*Emsie*]

Well they haven't been back that long, so hopefully he'll settle down better soon. The boys often take a while to sort out their pecking order - maybe he's worried about being seen as a bit of a swot by some of the other lads (or girls).

When you say bad behaviour, what sort of thing are we talking about??

Its stuff that has happened before in previous years though so am not very hopeful it will settle :cry:
Stuff including.....fighting, refusing to work, distracting others, he has left the school on 2 occasions and other stuff too

 

[-Laura-]

This really struck a chord with me. We have had problems for a long time but it went mad last year and I think this is what happened. At the end of the previous year he got a maths award for being 'a human calculator' all the kids were calling his name out as they knew he would get it! Then a couple of weeks into the next school year he was refusing to do some maths because he didn't want to etc and it just didnt improve much at all!
Do you know how you got over/through it when it happened to you? x

All I remember was getting a very good talking to by the deputy head!! Not in a being-told-off way, but in a we-really-do-understand-and-it-really-is-ok-to-feel-like-that way. And I think just a bit of growing out of it, and realising the impact it was having on my mum and how downright vile I was being. I was a little older than your lad, about 13/14. I think the talking to by the deputy head made me realise that it really was a serious issue as well - I'd always been seen as a 'perfect' pupil and been able to get away with things quite easily at school, so it was a shock to the system being hauled out of class to find my mum had taken time off work for a meeting at school because it had got THAT bad - though it sounds like you might already have hit this point and it's not improved his behaviour?

I'm a teacher myself now, so didn't turn out so bad in the end! Hope between you and school you manage to get to the bottom of it and work it out!

 

[*Emsie*]

Yeah hes had talking to's by deputys/heads etc but it doesnt have the efect unfortunately! x

 

[Shirleen]

Ok try the carrot approach, ask his tutor to update you on Friday afternoons, if he's had a good week he can be rewarded, you can bake cakes together ( my son loves baking since I explained it's a science not an art),making homemade pizza, or a visit to Gran or whatever floats his boat, then after four consecutive good weeks he can have a big treat, cinema/footie match/go karts whatever. But you need to sit down and explain it to him.
When talking about it try not to use words negatively, so instead of "when you're naughty" say "some behaviours are unacceptable" I'm not explaining myself very well, the bottom line is, HE is not bad, just because he behaves badly.
Tell him he's a lovely boy and you'd like to spend more time with him doing things he likes, but that unacceptable behaviour cannot be rewarded.
Avoid treats involving him doing something alone, no xbox games etc. The reward is spending time with You or Dad doing something HE enjoys.

If that fails there's always the shed! Lol

 

[*Emsie*]

Things settled down a bit but seem to be kicking off again and I am struggling to know what to do next and blaming myself as there doesnt seem to be any logical explanation to what is going on. School have been trying but now seem to be being backed into corner again by his behaviour and just seem to be waving the exclusion flag

 

[Shirleen]

Things settled down a bit but seem to be kicking off again and I am struggling to know what to do next and blaming myself as there doesnt seem to be any logical explanation to what is going on. School have been trying but now seem to be being backed into corner again by his behaviour and just seem to be waving the exclusion flag

Maybe try writing a diary together, he can write what was positive and negative about his day,and how he felt, ask his teacher for an update on his behaviour, add that to the diary and you could add foods/sleep/family issues/activities. You'll get an idea of how he's feeling about things and spot any patterns.
Hope it calms down xxxx

 

[*Emsie*]

The school have been trying to keep us informed. He is not forthcoming with whats going on, verbally and wouldnt do the diary thing
Im now absoloutely fuming with my eldest daughter (nearly 20)because she she seems to be having a strop and trying to get attention by commenting on his behaviour to him and us in a critical way.
I feel its all my fault and dont know where to gowith it any more.
I want to hide from tomorrow as am dreading getting him to school and dreading leaving him there
Sorry just needing to off load about this thanks for the reply x

 

[Shirleen]

Daughters can be a pain the beeehind! It's not easy. How about family therapy?

 

[*Emsie*]

Not sure about that again it makes me feelas if am failing x

 

[miss_miffi]

Hi Emsie, I teach Year 5 and have a whole group of kids like this in my class!

Firstly, if he is very bright and active, as you say, he probably needs some extra stimulus. His teacher should be making sure work is differentiated to challenge him. A lot of the time it's really not recommended to push a kid up a year as they struggle with the social-emotional aspect of being with kids a year older. What you could do though is talk to his teacher about a special independent project that engages him in things he is interested in, and gets him out of his chair sometimes.

Also, something I find useful is having a lesson-by-lesson ratings card, where at the end of every lesson the child rates their behaviour with a number out of 5, or a smiley-face. We focus on cooperation, assertion, responsibility, empathy and self-control so the child sits with the teacher after each lesson and reflects on their behaviour during the lesson. It's quite useful for helping the child to look for patterns and pinpoint triggers for going off-track. It goes home to the parents at the end of the week to be signed, and a lot of the families use it for a reward system.

If he is spending a lot of time being 'talked at' by heads/deputy heads, no wonder he is switching off or acting up more. I've found that boys often respond much better to a bit of motivation or responsibility once they get to that stage. Is there a teacher he has worked really well with in the past, that could do some before-school reading/mentoring with him? Or, if he is a good reader, maybe seeing if there is a way for him to go and read with younger kids occasionally during the Literacy hour? Buddy reading can be a great confidence boost!

The important thing to remember is that you are not failing!!! You are a loving, caring mother who is concerned about her child - let me tell you, that's more than some parents. Ultimately that will pull him through. Boys are very different to girls so don't be surprised that you are going through different things with your son than your daughter. Boys can be tricky sometimes, especially if they don't see much value in what they are learning, but as long as he can see that you and his teachers are on his side, I'm sure he will be absolutely fine.

Apologies for such a long message but I really hope all works out for your family!