Lily's a loser (at least, that's the plan!)

[JulesK81]

Lily, your birthday is the same as mine Do you have a weightloss goal in mind for then? Only two weeks, it has come round so quickly!

Keep going on the diet - once you are by day four you will feel so much better and so proud - and you can only build on that fantastic 7lb loss!! Well done!

You were offered your new job for a reason - you obviously impressed them and even if you don't have faith in yourself, they obviously do. Follow their lead and make light work of the reports.

Good luck

 

[leeds123]

lily! work stress is horrid, but yours seems to be a confidence issue? you must be fab otherwise they wouldnt have picked you, and that too in a market where there are loads of candidates for each post. it will all fall into place, just bear with it. what do you do exactly?

well done for restarting!

 

[great things]

i was looking at your diary lily and you've a lot on at the min. just take it as you're doing a day at a time. this is my 4th time on the diet. once on the old 790 plan in 2005 then i got pregnant with my daughter emily (whose birthday is the 13th dec too - she's 4 in 2 weeks and 1 day ), then i did ss and lost 5 1/2st before getting pregnant again with my little boy matthew (22.4.09), then i did it again and lost a couple of stone (hadn't been as bad but did ww whilst i was feeding him so not as much to loose). this time i'd slipped and put some back on as i reduced my exercise after my half marathon.

it is hard to get back on to it, you think that you can't manage it, you feel angry that you're going to be depriving yourself of the really nice things that you really like to eat. you can do it.

 

[Lily]

Thank you :grouphugg:

Yes, it is a confidence issue, I know. And a bit of a me being a perfectionist issue as well. I hate feeling like I don't know how to do something - I really am my own worst enemy. Always want to run before I can walk! Ah well. And as for what I do, I'm a civil servant. I'll let you guess which Government department I work for.

It's actually my 3rd career, LOL. I started out in teaching but two years into my first post the head teacher started bullying me, and I suspect that some of the wounds he inflicted have never quite healed. Then I trained to be a nurse but after I qualified, I couldn't find a part time job (my son was 4 at the time and was just starting school) so in the end, I took an admin job that let me work flexible hours. I loved it, actually. For the first time I was doing something that I felt really good at. But then I saw the flyer for the department's Talent Recruitment Programme and in a moment of madness decided to apply - and to my utter astonishment got a place on the course. It was really hard work getting through the training though. This civil servant certainly hasn't had it cushy, believe me.

Anyway...

Not too bad a day today, although it took me 2 hours to get to work this morning instead of 1 - I don't even know why, cos there wasn't much snow and no sign of anyone having an accident, but the roads were all clogged up. :sigh:

Still, at least I was another pound down today - so that makes me 13st 11 lbs. Almost back to where I was before I fell off the wagon - think the lowest I got to was 13st 9 lbs (on this current wagon ride - the lowest I've got to on CD is 12st exactly).

 

[Lily]

13st 10lbs today so what's that, 9 pounds off? Think so.

Only trouble with doing CD is that when you have a bad day from an emotional point of view, you can't shut up your feelings with food, can you?

I've been positively friable today. Ended up in floods of tears in the loo at one point. Got pretty close to begging a work colleague to provide a shoulder to cry on but in the end, I couldn't do it. Too much pride - or not enough? I can't decide what I should've done, only that I've had a completely miserable day and even as I write this, I'm bawling my eyes out. I don't know how the hell I'm going to toughen up, but I've got to try.

The problem with my team is that we're spread out across the country. One of my managers is in Telford, the other's in London. Two members of the team work with me but mostly on different projects so when I get stuck they're sympathetic but can't really help. Most of the team have worked together for years so the projects they're working on have been ongoing for quite a while and they know all the ins and outs. Me - I've come from a completely different job. I've had to learn a whole new language, think about processes from a totally different angle. It's weird, cos I have days where I absolutely love my new job - usually followed by several days where I'm so bogged down by it all I don't know where to start.

I guess it will get better. Eventually. I'm missing my old colleagues, that's for sure - they were probably the most supportive team I've ever worked with, so I s'pose there's a fair bit of grieving for my old life (although not my old job - that was mind-numbingly boring!) thrown in the mix.

Anyway, I just thought I'd write that down. See if it's cathartic, LOL. I'll let you know.

Really gotta have a bash at cheering this diary up else no one will ever want to visit.

 

[Goreygirl]

Hey Lily

Hope you are feeling a bit better by now? It's hard when you change jobs and go from feeling you know all the ins and outs to feeling like you have to learn a whole new language. And that's essentially what you are having to do... a whole new way of working, a whole new organisational culture, a whole new skill set etc. So please please don't get to critical on yourself about your "ability". Working solo is a particular experience in itself and can take a while to adapt to so please take support where you can get it. Not sure how long you've been in your job but I'm sure you managers would feel terrible if they knew you were having days where you felt a bit overwhelmed and didn't feel you could tell them. I know they sometimes can seem a bit unapproachable but (as I hear from managers all the time) they do, by and large, just get busy themselves with demands and would be willing to help if you just let them know. Why not send your manager an email detailing what specificially you are having problems with (is it a process? Is it a system of work? Is it that you have not yet got the knowledge base you need?) and then ask if there is any additional training or support you can have. Because you "seem" to be coping it will be presumed that you are sailing along honey and we can be our own worst enemy by feeling that if we put our hands up and say "em.. could do with a little bit of help here" we are "weak" or "a burden".

If you can tonight take some time to pin the actual problem down on paper (i've attached something that might help) and then take it from there. It WILL make you feel better and will make the situation seem more manageable as a the moment it's a bit of a "can't see the wood for the trees situation".


http://www.minimins.com/cd-weight-loss-diaries/175702-ggs-recovery-3.html#post3018388 has the problems solving document attached

 

[Lily]

Thanks GG. And you're right - it probably would be an idea to tell my manager and ask for help. But unfortunately, I've been badly burned by doing that before. A couple of posts back, I mentioned that I'd been a teacher but ended up jacking it in because I was bullied. Well that all started because I asked for some support. Instead of getting support, I was slowly and systematically undermined until my self-confidence was shot to pieces. It's taken me years to get over it (and frankly I'm not quite there yet).

There's other stuff in my history (much more recent) that I'm not quite ready to share here in my diary that's reinforced that, "You just don't know who you can trust" feeling. Suffice to say, the person I told something to (my sister, actually) couldn't handle what she'd been told, told her husband who insisted on telling my entire family, including my mother who had terminal cancer, and all hell broke loose. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the aftermath of all that, though I had many weeks of counselling with an amazing counsellor. I worked through that stuff and for the most part I'm okay, but you see... Well, I'm sure you can appreciate how hard I'm finding it to do the right thing without me trying to spell it out.

I'm probably overdramatising all of this. I get so very emotional so very easily - always have. I'm a real heart-on-sleeve wearer.

I'll have a look at that link you've sent, thank you.

 

[Felix]

Hey Lily Hope you are feeling better now.

I know how you feel about work. The girl who works with me on my contract (who is the only other person who knows how to run it) has been messing around and off 'sick' for a few weeks, even though she's been on Facebook bragging about all the things she's doing with her spare time!!! Annoying! So I'm pretty bogged down too, it's crap cos theres no one to help me either and the contract manager can't do his job properly!

Getting your emotions out in this diary should help though! I know it helps with mine.

Sorry I don't have much advice but I just want you to know I know how you feel re the work situation.

 

[Goreygirl]

I'm probably overdramatising all of this. I get so very emotional so very easily - always have. I'm a real heart-on-sleeve wearer.

I'll have a look at that link you've sent, thank you.

You are not over dramatising at all hon. You've been bullied and you've been betrayed by those you thought you could trust; it's normal that those experiences would make you feel wary about putting yourself out there again.

 

[Lily]

Still 13st 10lbs. Would be nice to see 13st 9lbs tomorrow cos it's my official weigh day, but I mustn't be too greedy.

Had a more positive day, thank goodness, probably cos I was in a big meeting in London all day and could just sit back a bit and take stuff in. Though actually, I knew, in detail, pretty much all of the stuff that was being discussed - which is quite a boost to my self-esteem, cos apparently I do know a lot more about what's going on than I thought I did, LOL. Just got to try and take some of that positivity through to tomorrow so that I can just knock off those reports I've been dreading. Isn't it a shame you can't bottle feelings? It'd be so useful to be able to stop, unscrew the top of some emotion potion and take a big sniff?

 

[great things]

cripes, lily we are so alike. i was bullied, as an NQT and the following year. why can't heads and deputies bog off from bullying. posted in leeds123 diary about it a few days ago if you want to read about my ordeal. it does make you think about going back to it. not gone back to teaching since i was 32 weeks pregnant with dudey boy. even then i was on supply.

anyway, it looks like cd is going well but you've outside stressed to deal with and you're doing really well with it all. it's hard to keep a grip on things when other things are falling apart around you.

 

[great things]

hope you are having a good/better day.

 

[Lily]

Still here - haven't fallen off the wagon or anything, just been too busy to post. Still doing well, though the scales are sticking at 13st 8lbs (I've been that for 3 (maybe 4?) days now) but not to worry cos suddenly I feel a lot slimmer. Funny how that goes.

 

[great things]

they'll suddenly go down a lump.

 

[Lily]

they'll suddenly go down a lump.

Well, maybe not quite a lump - but a pound, anyway. 13st 7lbs today.

Getting there...

 

[Goreygirl]

LOL, couldn't cope with having a scales at home. I'd go mad

 

[Lily]

LOL, couldn't cope with having a scales at home. I'd go mad

I already am mad, so that's okay.

Down to 13st 6lbs - and tomorrow's my birthday. Realistically, I suspect I'll be more off than on Cambridge for the next week or two...

And then I'll be back to finish the job. In 2011, I am going to reach my goal.

Gulp.

 

[Sarah Lou]

:birthday: Happy Birthday for tomorrow Lily. Have a great day. I am going to get to goal in 2011, woo hoo to us !

 

[Tessieg1]

:birthday:Happy Birthday, Lilly! Hope you had a fantastic day!

 

[Lily]

Just checking in so that my diary doesn't drop to the second page.

I'm not on Cambridge at the mo (and in all probability won't climb back aboard that wagon until the day after Boxing Day) but I'm happy to report that I'm not stuffing my face with crap.

Having said that...

... the reason I'm not stuffing my face is because I've been really poorly. I thought to start with it was indigestion after my birthday dinner - then my throat got really sore - then it got hard to breathe - then I started coughing...

To start with it seemed like a really bad cold, but I've been so poorly that I think it might actually have been flu cos I've had a temperature to boot and feel really sick most of the time. Sigh.

But hey, that's one way of not gaining a shed load of weight, huh?

LOL, just came on to whinge really. I just hope I'm feeling hungrier enough to appreciate the Thai meal that my CWPC wants to take me out for on Monday!