Little Book Worm tetra-ing her way through CD

[Book-Worm]

Hello everyone! After so much time spent on these boards, I thought I would start my own diary. Please, do not expect anything witty and beautifully written, I spend far too much time writing as it is during the day But hopefully, I can share with you the ups and downs of my weightloss adventure.

Because I see it as an adventure: every time I wake up in the morning, I meet a new Book Worm. A Book Worm who can sometimes be a bit hungry and depressed because she is plateau-ing, but most of the time, I discover a Book Worm so strong and resilient that I didn't know she lived inside me! These new Book Worms whom I keep meeting all the time, they feel more confident with their feminity, they are now planning a family with Mr Book Worm. They like looking and trying on clothes. These Book Worms are awe inspiring

It may sound like I have a multiple personality disorder Perhaps I do, because sometimes, I still feel the old Book Worm inside me. The Morbidly obese one who couldn't climb a tiny hill in town. Or couldn't do anything without getting out of breath. She would wear potato sacks, usually dark ones and never wear heels or take care of her appearance. She thought: why bother, I'm ugly and fat and boring. Don't get me wrong, the old Book Worm was loved and cherished by close friends and relatives and the best hubby in the world. But she felt like she didn't deserve them

And after many attempts at dieting, her weight ballooned up and her BMI was over 41. She knew she had to do something, she was still healthy, but for how long? And with the help of all the Book Worm family, she started CD. Again. She wasn't always taking it seriously: and then something clicked inside her head. She had her light bulb moment. A discussion with Mr Book Worm, who told her he'd dearly love to have a child now that they were buying a house. And the old Book Worm thought: OK, I gotta do this. I have PCOS and a pregnancy would be quite hard with all this extra weight.

And this is when she started changing and turning into new, more confident, more stubborn and resilient Book Worms every day

And there I am now. The current Book Worm, so close to achieving my first big goal: a BMI under 30. I not only exercise (I did the whole 30-day Shred ) but I am starting to rediscover my body, even with the loose skin. I am morphing into a woman (and Mr Book Worm looooves it ). It's not rosy every day. There are times when I could kill for eggs on toast (my current obsession) or pizza, or even a banana. I have had wobbly moments too. But I think I am doing quite well despite all this!

I am wearing smaller clothes. Some clothes still fit me that would fit me when I was at my heaviest and this is when I realised that they weren't meant to be worn so tight I was a size 22 top and 24 bottom and now I am 16 top and 18 (almost 16!) bottom. I can feel my bones and spend so long in the morning in bed, admiring my legs and feeling the muscles (thanks Jillian!) and bones there I even wear heels and I am starting to take care of my appearance again because I am worth it. Not because I am thinner or healthier, but just because I realised that I deserve it because I am me, and that if I don't love myself then...

Anyway, I'll try to keep this diary updated at least once a week, if not more. I am studying at the same time (hence the lot of typing all day!) so it may be quick at times. But I hope you'll enjoy reading about my progress. Please, leave messages, comments, hellos and even questions if you want. I am doing Step 2

And here are my pictures that you may have seen on the picture thread:

Me at my heaviest


And me in Week 13


Love,

Book-Worm

 

[Nikie]

Wow, a shiny new diary to look at!! Amazing loss so far....I am simply in awe of you! And the differences in your pictures are soooo inspiring! Looks like theres nothing on you now! This makes me even more determined to lose 4 stone and put MY pictures up to inspire so other people!

 

[Book-Worm]

Wow, a shiny new diary to look at!! Amazing loss so far....I am simply in awe of you! And the differences in your pictures are soooo inspiring! Looks like theres nothing on you now! This makes me even more determined to lose 4 stone and put MY pictures up to inspire so other people!

Thank you Nikkie I know it looks like losing 4st is almost impossible, but to be fair, after a while, you don't even notice time passing! You'll get there in no time and I look forward to look at your pictures

 

[Book-Worm]

So today, I had my WI and I lost 4lbs I am very pleased with that, as it means I only need to lose 2lbs and I'll be in the 14s AND today I reached another of my goals: lose 25% of my body weight 25%! I lost a quarter of myself!

9lbs to go before being overweight. And once I'm overweight, I will start discussing my final target weight. But not before that, as otherwise I'd get discouraged. So instead, I play around with mini and medium term goals. I LOVE tickers (as you can see in my signature!) and once I'm overweight, I'll have a ticker with my final goal on.

My husband is back for the day (he has to leave again tomorrow) so I'm happy. Despite the fact that we have to do some diy today. We've handed in our notice on our flat yesterday and I'd like to "repair" the little things that we broke, repairing some bits of carpets, etc.

I have already started the deep cleaning too. Because my husband is almost never home due to work, and because I don't eat, I started with the kitchen and the oven from doom (as it won't get used anyway!) But it's almost done now, thanks to my lovely new Polti steam cleaner I'm in love already. I used it to clean the grouting in the bathroom as well and WOW! And all this time I sweated with bleach and a toothbrush

If you ever become regular readers of my diary, you may notice that I get slightly obsessed with housework. It's not that I am more house proud than the average person (on the contrary), but it helps me with the diet, keeping my hands busy. And because after 3 years in the same flat, and despite regular cleaning, the grime has accumulated in lots of places, I have my work cut out for me before the EA puts the flat back on the market, or even before we give back the keys! (I would quite like my deposit back you see )

Anyway, just waiting for the removal men to bring the boxes and then we're going out to B&Q (polyfilla, etc) and maybe carpet right to look at some flooring solution for the house we're buying (our first house )

Have a lovely day everyone! It's sunny here, but I'm freezing. I have to wear my robe in the mornings now! But I'm determined not to use the heating at all until we have leave on October 17th. So let's pray the weather doesn't get too cold The thing is, money is quite tight because of the house, my diet and the fact that I don't have a job (we're relocating for my husband's job so once we're in the new house, I need to find a p/t job to fit with my studies).

 

[scorpio dawny]

Well done for getting in the 14's you are doing so well. Love reading your diary and looking forward to all your up dates.

 

[Book-Worm]

Well done for getting in the 14's you are doing so well. Love reading your diary and looking forward to all your up dates.

Not in the 14s just yet, I just need to lose 1 more tiny lb for that Roll on next WI

 

[scorpio dawny]

Wont be long lol. must read more carefully.

 

[Mummyoxley]

Congratulations on ur weight loss so far your doing brilliantly !

 

[Nikie]

Aww good luck with the house move and well done on another 4lbs off! Great stuff!

Just to warn you -I got so stressed out when we purchased our first property at the beginning of this year and piled on the pounds very quickly....so make sure you don't lose your motivation! I totally regret it now as I could have been starting this diet at 11something, rather than nearly 14stone but hey ho, whats done is done!

I work in law so as well as holding down a stressful 9-5.30 job I was also very active in the conveyancing aspect, hence why I was getting so stressed! Next time I'll leave it to the OH! (except I really wouldn't as I'm a control freak!!)

 

[piggly]

It may sound like I have a multiple personality disorder Perhaps I do, because sometimes, I still feel the old Book Worm inside me. The Morbidly obese one who couldn't climb a tiny hill in town. Or couldn't do anything without getting out of breath. She would wear potato sacks, usually dark ones and never wear heels or take care of her appearance. She thought: why bother, I'm ugly and fat and boring. Don't get me wrong, the old Book Worm was loved and cherished by close friends and relatives and the best hubby in the world. But she felt like she didn't deserve them

That paragraph nearly made me cry. i can soooooooooooooooooo relate to that lol.

I like following your journey and most of the time when I see you've created a thread or commented on something I go and have a nose. so keep posting!

 

[Book-Worm]

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments

Aww good luck with the house move and well done on another 4lbs off! Great stuff!

Just to warn you -I got so stressed out when we purchased our first property at the beginning of this year and piled on the pounds very quickly....so make sure you don't lose your motivation! I totally regret it now as I could have been starting this diet at 11something, rather than nearly 14stone but hey ho, whats done is done!

I work in law so as well as holding down a stressful 9-5.30 job I was also very active in the conveyancing aspect, hence why I was getting so stressed! Next time I'll leave it to the OH! (except I really wouldn't as I'm a control freak!!)

Oh don't get me started on the stress I think that's why I lost 4lbs this week: stress means I don't want to eat! I'm still hungry but I worry so much that I can't be bothered to cook anything! So I have a 4th tetra instead. Better that than putting some bread in the toaster

I'm a control freak too, but I, contrary to you, I'm not a legal professional. So I am obsessed with checking and double-checking everything and I get mega stressed when I don't understand or something doesn't add up Thank God our solicitor is brilliant: she is my FIL's best friend, she is fantastic and has the patience of a saint I now can't wait to exchange. But the danger will come when we finally move in: I KNOW I'll so be tempted to eat, especially as we will have to juggle with cleaning our rented place and getting cosy in our new home. Nothing too bad you'd think, but they are at two opposite ends of the country :cry:

That paragraph nearly made me cry. i can soooooooooooooooooo relate to that lol.

I like following your journey and most of the time when I see you've created a thread or commented on something I go and have a nose. so keep posting!

I think most obese people feel like that. People love us but we hate ourselves. It takes so long to get rid of this mind set. I still hate myself sometimes. But it does help to consider my body as a different entity. As in: it's not your body's fault, don't hate it. I almost feel sorry for my body now. So I want to treat it well


Well, husband has gone already. 2 very short days together, but we were very busy. We did almost all the diy I wanted done. I even repaired a bit of carpet with some cast-off. Hopefully, after a good clean with the rug doctor, it'll look completely seamless (at the minute the repaired bit looks much brighter and cleaner!). We have received our boxes from the removal company and I have started packing all the things I don't use: mainly cooking utensils. I still have to wash the velux, put the rabbits and guinea pigs in boarding and the flat will be ready for visitors. I am also washing the winter coats and things, ready for October (or even before). And I also have to finish my conference paper and start writing my next chapter for my thesis... While still packing and keeping on top of everything!

I'm thinking of selling some of my stuff that's too big on ebay. I was told that even the cheap things get sold! I don't know... I could do with the extra cash (a few £s here and there soon add up), but I have never tried the selling part of ebay. I bought a few things but that's all. Any views on that?

My husband has been gone for 2 hours and I already miss him so much. I just can't wait to move. I am forever looking at the house brochure, fiddling with the (veeeeery tight!) budget and sorting out things like insurance quotes. And of course, I spend far too much time on diy websites looking for ideas...

I also just got told that the house we're buying doesn't have freeview (not aerial). Everyone else has satellite dish outside their homes because apparently the freeview coverage is poor. So I have been researching TV solution. It's a virgin cable area, so I first thought of adding Virgin TV to our bundle. But then I thought that given our already overstretched budget, it may be wiser to go for freesat. Yes, it costs most at the outset, but after that, it's free for life. Some freesat boxes even do the same as the Virgin TiVo box (recording, video on demand, catch up tv, etc). I also had to battle with BT to have our account disconnected when our rental period is finished. They were offering us all sorts of things but NO. And they charged us £30 for the privilege of leaving their network

So as you can see, all this keeps me busy. I told you that most of my diary would be inane rambling

 

[Daisy65]

Bookworm - well done for starting a diary - I feel a little sad that I didn't bother...I have loved reading everyone else's.
I wish that housework did the same to me! I hate it! I just about keep on top of it - as long as you don't look too closely!
You have done so well already - Do you have any idea what your goal weight will be? I note you are quite tall so I guess you must be well over halfway to your goal.
New you and new home - I remember buying my first home - was excited but terrified of having such a massive debt - the mortgage was only £40k! Well it was some time ago.
it's nice to hear someone say something nice about their solicitor - we usually get a good bashing in the press and it gets a bit depressing...especially for those of us not earning bucket loads of cash!

 

[Book-Worm]

Bookworm - well done for starting a diary - I feel a little sad that I didn't bother...I have loved reading everyone else's.
I wish that housework did the same to me! I hate it! I just about keep on top of it - as long as you don't look too closely!
You have done so well already - Do you have any idea what your goal weight will be? I note you are quite tall so I guess you must be well over halfway to your goal.
New you and new home - I remember buying my first home - was excited but terrified of having such a massive debt - the mortgage was only £40k! Well it was some time ago.
it's nice to hear someone say something nice about their solicitor - we usually get a good bashing in the press and it gets a bit depressing...especially for those of us not earning bucket loads of cash!

Wow Daisy, your weight loss is fantastic! Don't feel bad about not keeping a diary, as long as you keep that really inspiring signature of yours! You have no idea how much it has lifted my mood You must be nearing maintenance or at least going up the steps now: is it scary to eat normal food? I am absolutely petrified of maintenance, I even have nightmares about it (I write a post of that actually). I can't wait to be where you are! I have an idea of what my goal weight is and yes I am more than half way done now. But I really want to focus on being only overweight before I even put it into words. It'd be too much right now. Because not only am I a control freak and a perfectionist, but I also want everything done right here right now I have NO patience and so my best way of dealing with things that require patience is to ignore them until the time comes when it won't be too much of an effort to be patient Does that even make sense?

And so for the mortgage, it's giving me sleepless night. It's "only" £90k, but because we have to relocate, I had to quit my job. Now don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful that my husband's salary alone allows us to buy a house and live (frugally, but it's more than some people have!). This job situation just makes me so anxious. It's another thing that will often crop up in my diary: am I going to be able to find a teaching job that I can fit around my PhD commitments? Or do my husband and I choose to start a family while I'm still doing my PhD so I can be home to care for the baby and still have something (studying for PhD) to put on my CV? Decisions, decisions...

Yes, our solicitor is brilliant. And I believe a lot of solicitors are brilliant! It's only a tiny majority that is ruining it for the rest, as usual. I am a teacher by trade, so I sympathise!

I don't like weekends like this one: husband is away at work so I have to do thesis work while almost everyone is having fun with their families. I see parents with young children going into the village and I feel so angry that I let myself go so much that I have to lose weight before having a baby of our own

 

[Daisy65]

Hi Bookworm - I loved looking at everyone's weight losses when I started. It's funny how quickly you move from cd newbie to cd veteran - seems like yesterday when I started SS and my goal weight seemed like a silly fantasy but here I am with 2lbs to go. You will shortly be in the same position.
I had a an initial goal of 11.6 then 11.0 and then 10.8 - it's hard to know what is right for you when you've been big for so long.
I'm on step 3 which I am finding much harder than SS or step 2 because of the big increase in carbs - am struggling but have managed not to completely lose control ... Yet.
sounds like you are at a pivotal moment in your life..as someone who put off having a family until it was too late - I would say go for a baby now - careers can wait but hormones don't.

 

[Book-Worm]

Hi Bookworm - I loved looking at everyone's weight losses when I started. It's funny how quickly you move from cd newbie to cd veteran - seems like yesterday when I started SS and my goal weight seemed like a silly fantasy but here I am with 2lbs to go. You will shortly be in the same position.
I had a an initial goal of 11.6 then 11.0 and then 10.8 - it's hard to know what is right for you when you've been big for so long.
I'm on step 3 which I am finding much harder than SS or step 2 because of the big increase in carbs - am struggling but have managed not to completely lose control ... Yet.
sounds like you are at a pivotal moment in your life..as someone who put off having a family until it was too late - I would say go for a baby now - careers can wait but hormones don't.

You said exactly what I wanted to here on both counts: the weight loss and the baby making

Seriously, I'm glad it's normal to worry about maintenance. I was afraid I had developed some form of food disorder, which is silly given that I could eat for the whole of the EU

As for having a baby: I think that'll be our number one priority. My only concern is: how long will it take? And I know what you're gonna reply: how long is a piece of string? I just don't want to have to wait 12months+ without a job, even if I still have the PhD. And what if after 6 months nothing happens, I get a job and find out I'm pregnant? What a delicate situation to be in And that's why I keep blaming myself: if I had not toyed around with the diet the first time I did it, I could have been at my goal weight in March 2012 and we could have tried to conceive right now instead of waiting. Anyway, there is no point in blaming myself now: my duty right now (yes, I call it my duty as I'm not the only one involved now) is to lose the weight, tone up and be healthy so that my husband and I can try for a baby. He wants to be a father, and I do want to be a mother, although I'm slightly more scared than he is!!!

 

[Book-Worm]

"You are what you eat." Come on, put your hand up or hit the "like" button if you've ever heard that said to you because you're fat. Most of the times, it is said in a patronising way by people who think it their duty to put you back on the right path. Even medical professionals are guilty of this. Sometimes it is said by smug rude holier-than-thou people. But the 2 categories aren't mutually exclusive. Ahhhh... How I do love it when people say this to me... How could I have survived all these years without their enlightened counsel, I do not know To these people I want to say, however well intentioned you are: we're fat, not stupid! I know that if my calorie intake exceeds my calorie loss then I'll put on weight. My brain hasn't drowned in the kilo of chips and crisps and chocolate and take-aways I'm supposed to eat while plonking my large a*se on the sofa all day You see, dear Sirs and Madams, I am convinced that one cannot balloon to reach the morbidly obese category without having some sort of underlying problem. I know, I know, how dare I question your judgment of you priests and priestesses of slimdom: I'm only a lowly fatso after all. But therein lies the problem with your "you are what you eat" mantra: you think of the human being in general, and weight in particular, as a simple physiological process. You overeat ergo you're fat ergo you're almost not deemed human.

Well how about using these brains that you think we don't have and wonder whether we could also eat what we are? Let me explain. Most overeaters do not become depressed and do not develop anxiety or other mental/physical illnesses as a result of being overweight. Nope, it all starts BECAUSE they are, before everything else, depressed, anxious, ill, etc. It is their problems, their life, their negative experiences that make them overeat. Yes, most fat people eat who they are. If we were happy people to begin with, I seriously doubt that most of us would have let ourselves go in this manner. So saying to an obese person "just stop overeating" is like telling an anorexic to "just eat" or a depressed person to "pull themselves together". Yes, some obese and overweight people do overeat because they can't be bothered. But if people took the time to talk to overweight and obese people, you'd see that we are trapped in a vicious circle that was started by anxiety, stress of being made redundant, loss of a close relative, depression, etc. Which then made us ballon up, which made the initial problem worse, etc. NO shock treatment and telling us the hard truth (you think we're not aware of the risks of being obese?) will not work because you want to cure the body without curing the mind that goes with it.

I have had my fare share of bad things happened to me. And it has left scars. I may find the strength to talk about my battle with food one day. And yes I know, my problems are First World problems. But they made me who I am. They are the primary reason why I overate so much. And NO, before you pounce on me like a pack of skinny wolves, I am not denying responsibility for my obesity. I just would like to point out that we, fat people, often eat our feelings. We're not what we eat. We eat what we are.

PS: the "you" used in this post does not refer to anyone in particular, and certainly not anyone on this lovely forum. It is a generic "you" that represent the fatphobic circles of society.

 

[Book-Worm]

Ah, and I almost forget the most important thing that happened yesterday: DOWNTON IS BACK!!! Is Lady Violet great or what!!! Oh Dame Maggie, you steal the show every time you're on screen

I won't talk about what hapenned as I don't want to spoil the episode if you recorded it to watch later

 

[Book-Worm]

Just thought I would let you know: I downloaded a free app from the NHS where I can enter my weight and it calculates my BMI. The app then produces a graph and also let me set a goal It's called BMITracker. I know I have plenty of tickers to track my weight loss but the NHS app actually "talks" to you when you update your weight. So when I updated my latest weight loss it told me: "well done, you're still in the obese category but you're getting closer to the overweight category" (or words to that effet). It's silly I know, but I love updating all my tickers etc, it makes the loss seem "real".

 

[Book-Worm]

Oh, and while we're at it (to think I said I might only update a few times a week...), I am hoping to achieve my "overweight-BMI under 30" goal for my mum's birthday, end of October. She'd be thrilled if I could give her that as part of her present. 9 more lbs to go, perfectly feasible if I'm serious! And I would love to make her a rainbow cake if I can. Of course I won't be able to eat any of it BUT it looks sooooo nice

Weigh in tomorrow: will it be the day I finally see the 14s? I'd need to lose 2lbs for that as I was 15st1lb last time I weighed... And it's only been 5 days since my last WI. If it's not tomorrow, it'll be the week after But I'd dearly love to reach the 14s tomorrow. Now THAT would make me smile, and God knows I need it at the moment.

I have not resumed the Shred (naughty Book-Worm :copon: ) but I have been moving a lot lately as we've started packing stuff we don't use. The lounge is full of boxes. It'll be interesting when the EA comes to take pictures so they can relet the flat. Not ideal but after all, we're still living in it and it's our place till mid October

 

[Book-Worm]

OK so today, I did some more packing, some more laundry, sorted through clothes (some are good enough I reckon to go on ebay), etc. Basically, I did a lot of things but not what I HAD to do Procrastination at its best

And my jaw hurts so badly. I had to chew gum for the past hour to help relieve the tension. And obviously the chewing made me hungry... So more water, in we go! The chewing helped with the jaw though (and the bad breath ).

While I was sorting my old clothes I tried on some more that used to be too small. I now have a lovely dress, size 16 green satin from Dorothy Perkins that is the perfect fit. Some control underpants and I looked almost like a slim person I swear my parents won't recognise me when I go and see them in October/November!