LL Lite Tilley's Tumultuous Thoughts

[Tilleymonster]

Dear lord help me! lol. Rant alert...

It's 7:30am, I've made it to the office and so far I've:

-been shouted at by other half upset that I 'ruined' his lay in by putting my socks on too loudly (he's been a really horrible person since Saturday and I have no idea what's going on but I really don't need it and it scares me a bit that he'd be like this after everything that's happened. I'm scared it's 'true colours'...)

-dropped cup of tea all over top of electric piano and the cat's cushion

- walked the dog who apparently is lame in one leg and has the runs

-started period

-dropped half my porridge sachet down my black work trousers so not only am I hungry but also I now have weird patchy powdery trousers.

I couldn't want to be back in bed anymore I don't think. I really wish the economy wasn't so awful and I could get out of this place, too many bad memories now.

Still... boyfriend on late shifts at moment (2 - 11pm) so that means I have three evenings to myself, and thank goodness to be honest. He's really being horrible. He even tried to give me a Mars Bar Duo last night INSTEAD of my LL bar. Of course I declined, but I sense the beginnings of some sort of issue about not wanting me to look good... you know?

Urgh. Better work. Please don't make me. I hate it x:sigh:

 

[LadyT]

Aw Hun what an absolutely pants time you have had!!!!

Put it all behind you and try to stay positive.

I wouldn't read to much into your OH bring the way he is some guys just think they are funny! My ex would have done something like the mars thing to me and laughed it off saying it was a joke! MEN!

Hope the rest of your day improves, keep smiling xx

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[ReezieJay]

Your right, not a great start to the day at all. Its funny as last week in my class we did something about crooked thoughts and that when something goes wrong in the morning we write off the whole day as a disaster. Instead break it into chunks. your morning sounded awful but doesnt mean the rest of the day will be and like you said with the OH on late shift at least you get some quality time to youself. Treat yourself, have a bath or do your nails or sit and watch a good film or something. Anything for a little but of you time. Reward yourself for coming out the other side of a terrible morning.
Smile and the world Smiles with you
xx

 

[Hobbit]

I hope the day has improved for you. I think your bf was really out of order shouting at you like that and think you should expect an apology. Don't just sweep it under the rug though. xx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Thanks guys!

Well it got a bit worse with them trying to
Make me take on my work and my friends' who died. Tried to talk to manager but she's not interested. Instead I've got a docs appointment and going to see if they might sign me off. Ive never been signed off and feel naughty but enough is enough and if they keep piling it on then I warned them it'd get too much-already taken a resignation in and was told I'd be promoted to make up for my extra workload and that was a year ago. Bit scary and doc might not agree but I'm trying to put myself first instead of taking on too much-thank you LL for making me stand up for myself!!!

Just stared at fridge: boyfs penguins, half a choccy Swiss roll, some babybels. Slammed fridge shut. No! I will not EAT CRAP for these ppl. Grrr. Boyf apologised and bought me salad and ingredients for crab cake recipe. Made sure he knew his attitude was lousy.

All in all a challenging day that I'd never have taken control of if I'd not been part of lighter life.

Bath and nails need doing (got some false ones as been eating them of late-yuk!). Will pamper with chick flick too.

Monday-done xxx

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[Julslynne]

Well done my lovely.
I'm so glad your BF apologised. Insensitive idiots they are on times aren't they? Glad u didn't turn to food for comfort. Something I'd have probably done but I am learning with support from all u gorgeous girls.
Enjoy your well earned soak and pamper night. You deserve it. Xxxxxx

 

[HannahNewton]

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T.

H = HUNGRY?
A = ANGRY?
L = LONELY?
T = TIRED?

Found this on another thread, and copied it out and put it on a post it the front of my fridge.

All reasons we use to eat, one of my habits is to come home and open the fridge hungry or not. Mad behaviour really as I do the shopping and know exactly what is in there!!

Do get signed off, try and avoid the word stress on your certificate as it follows you around. No sick certificate then take some leave, or try another doctor at your surgery. At least we have lots of Bank Holidays coming up.

Please don't resign until you have another job lined up, in this financial climate walking out of a job when you have had enough is really a last resort. One of my good friends and former collegue did this and 3 months later she is still looking for a job and has a gap in CV to explain at interviews.

Hope tomorrow is much better for you. Hxx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Heya all,

Didn't leave job and am glad I got to end of tether, seems to have relaxed me to blow off steam at everything. Another WI down and just over 3lbs off this week. Yey! 71kg-only 6 more to go until I'm 'happy'!

Don't have a full length mirror at home but went to buy some pants-knickers are WAY TOO BIG- and ended up buying loads eeek! It was just that I got size 12 bottoms and 10 tops and was so excited I got a few things. Can hardly believe what I saw in mirror, this is narcissistic but, I look SLIM! stood and stared at myself in disbelief, how can my body look so different? I'm so HAPPY I've found a way to get where I want to be and what I've wanted for so long!! Yippee!

Still, must move on and focus on getting to the 60kgs.... Another couple of months and when I look in the mirror again I hope I'll wonder who is in my changing room with me.

Out in garden now, hope everyones enjoying the sunshine xxx

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[HannahNewton]

Wowee!! Well done on the new clothes and loving your body image.

What a turn around since your last post. So pleased you didnt chuck your job. xx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Hannah, thanks! Your last post really helped me because I KNOW I can't just up and leave a job and your post made me realise how over the top I was being. I'm lucky to have such an easy life, and a job, and money to do this sort of thing like LL, so many people don't have any of these things and I was just a bit lost catastrophising everything. Slapping that tantruming child, she does not deserve a place in my life. X

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[HannahNewton]

Pleased to have helped keep you on track!!

Have a great day in the sunshine. Xx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Can't remember what day it is-40 something... Well eeek! Had a pizza on Saturday! What a fool! OH and I sat in garden and noshed. Haven't touched a thing since but don't want to go back to my old ways of 'treats' on WI days equalling food. Will discuss with LLC on saturday. I've got the bad mood sorted and don't eat but somehow positive losses make me think I can get away with a naughty dinner. Need to just get past that one.

It's a lovely day and I've just had my milkshake sitting out in the sunshine. Can't wait to get home from work-bet everyones thinking that today. Hope the weather holds up, it changes my mood so very much. X

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[gracielou09]

Your doing so well huni, Pizza is over and done with now and guessing your back on track.

I'm like you the sunshine changes my mood, I feel happier and more energetic when the sun shines ...I'm sure I suffer from SAD !!

Keep smiling chick xx

 

[Pinkie :)]

Ooooh.... pizzzzaaa... YUM!!

Sorry, not the right response at all, I know! Lol...

But, no, gracielou is spot on... it's over and done with now, and you've done perfectly since... so don't worry... it's all a learning curve, and clearly it's working as you've learnt more about your eating habits now, re having a treat etc, so can work on that...

We need to know and undertand our downfalls, to be able to fix them... You're doing great, so hang in there...

xx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Awww thanks guys! I spent 3 hours today nude... Okay that sounds weird let me finish... Nude and trying on EVERYTHING I own. One of those charity clothes bags was posted through our door and I realised I have so many clothes that range in size and been too scared to find out what I can and can't wear. Let's just say after 3 hours I filled the charity bag, and FOUR MORE SACKS!!! Now going to be so easy to get to work and to fit clothes in wardrobe.

Thing is it did make me scared. I have size 12s, 14s 16s and 18s. Which just proves how my weight changes. Scared because I chucked ALL my 16s and 18s. I'm scared because I've thought this 'no going back' and always end up fat again. Scared.

Good news-OH weighed himself and had switched scales to stones and lbs, didn't know and did my sneaky peak expecting kgs. What came up? 10 stone 12lbs. TEN STONE... I did a wee dance around the bathroom but now really nervous about WI tomorrow. What if the overnight weight monster makes me fat again? Stupid sneaky peek ARGHGHGH X

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[Tilleymonster]

BINGO!!!!!

10 STONE 12lbs!!!!

SOOOOOOO HAPPY XXX

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[LadyT]

Fabulous my lovely well done xx

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[Julslynne]

Well done Hun. That's fantabulous. Xxxx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 99!!!!!!!

Although technically it's Day 1.

Ever since I posted that I hit 10 stone something I lost it. I ate and ate. I haven't put much on and I've still gone every week to meeting. But I don't think I've had a 100% clean day for ages.

Well, day 99 and it's back on like it's day 1. I have 'gotten away' with staying the same but I'm still NOT at my goal of 65kg. I am not sure what's going on with me - I want to do it, I go the meetings, but I just rested on my laurels of having got further than ever before and being content in how I look (although not successful in the sense of my goal), but then I eat.

For weeks and weeks I didn't break at all, but it's like the moment I did it ruined everything.

So no more playing around. I probably only need to do this for a few weeks to hti the 65kg I wanted. So I need to get on it. Tried Total as my LLC suggested it and I don't know how you girls and boys do it - made me so angry and headachey!

So, back to Lite we go. Back to keeping it in my head that all the things that I do are so involved with emotion and food, and I miss the happiness of the control and I also miss the feeling of success that came with knowing it was 100% for me and that it worked.

I am determined to be back in ketosis for Saturday's meeting. I am still taking it a day at a time, but I am not going to keep 'testing' how long it will take me to get fat again. Like a child. I don't want to be fat again, I have a very grown up goal that I was moving towards with, really, little effort. So enough.

Onwards with the journey - day 99... back on track and aiming for fatty pee.

xxx

 

[gracielou09]

Good luck huni, you can do it.
Routing for you

xxx