Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[DisneyParis]

Katy, glad you've had another good day.
Great you've been out walking too. I find when l walk/exercise regularly that my mind isn't so focused on food (or rather the lack of it at the moment, since l'm still on SS, hopefully not for too much longer!)

It's been lovely & sunny here in Ayr today as well. Hope this good spell lasts. When l walked along by the beach tonight the sun setting behind the Isle of Arran was beautiful - a deep orange, so hopefully that's a sign of good weather tomorrow (red sky at night & all that)

 

[LellyCD]

...I do think I need to get away from the diet mindset and find a place that feels 'normal' and 'safe' instead, at least for now. And I need to get the focus off weight loss and onto control.

Totally agree hun!!
xx

 

[sleepybird]

I think its a good plan Katy. Not a cop out, I should know! x

 

[Katycakes]

OK. Day Six!!!! So happy, it is 5 or 6 weeks since I have managed a run of 5 or 6 days 'normal' eating. It seems easier all the time, and the cravings are subsiding a little bit.

Anyway. Have been worrying about seeing CDC & arranged to see her in cafe in town so weighing will not be an option, and hopefully will find a way to say I want to wind things down. I am so grateful to her and don't want to offend her in any way, but time I was stepping away. So thinking this will be the last 'consignment' of CD her. (My 'dealer' as the kids have jokingly called her from day one!).

Ironically, scales this morning show 11 st again, 2lbs down from a few days ago & 4 or 5lbs down from height of last binge. This is a relief, but also something I can take in my stride a bit. Last night re-set my ticker to my original goal of 11, haven't yet adjusted weight loss on it, as I used only to add in official CDC weights but if this loss holds steady over weekend I will then adjust downwards. And that will have me safely back at target. And then I truly believe I may be able to edge down a little bit from there, without any rigid plans or semi-starve days.

So, feeling much less afraid than I have in a LONG time, and starting to think I can do this. May even have latte in cafe instead of usual herb tea. Sun is shining, makes me feel glad to be alive.

xxx

 

[KD]

OK. Day Six!!!! So happy, it is 5 or 6 weeks since I have managed a run of 5 or 6 days 'normal' eating. It seems easier all the time, and the cravings are subsiding a little bit.

Excellent Katy :clap:

Ironically, scales this morning show 11 st again, 2lbs down from a few days ago & 4 or 5lbs down from height of last binge. This is a relief, but also something I can take in my stride a bit.

Yeah, really do take it in your stride. The weight loss is the icing on the cake...not the main goal (hopefully). Your goal...okay...my goal for you is to reduce the intense cravings, and binging. To get some confidence in yourself back. Then do what you need to do...gently.

Last night re-set my ticker to my original goal of 11,

Wouldn't it be good if we had a ticker for out goal for eating normally.

You did a great post for Laura about making sure she doesn't make the same mistakes as before. I'm hearing a few things on your post too. Resetting your weight goal...umm. Good, but also a few alarm bells ringing for me.

It's so easy to go into a rush of wanting to get the weight down. Feeling confident a little too early and convincing ourselves that 'we can do it now'

I know you will be careful and that you haven't said you are going to go for it now, but also know how I have been in the passed, where everything was about the weight.

Just be careful Katy. Give yourself some good breathing space before you strive to lose some more pounds. As I say, losing is the icing on the cake...not the cake itself

Not sure why I've written this, because your post sound calm and content, and certainly sounds like you know what you are doing. Just seen things like this happen before when people have chosen 'normal' eating, been happy with it, then drawn to the lower numbers on the scales a little too early.

What I would like to see, and I know this is totally your decision (will not lecture if you don't ), but I'd like to see you not think at all about reducing your weight, for at least 2 weeks. That's not to say that if you do reduce, it's wrong, just not think about it for the moment.

Anyway, ramble over You have made huge strides Katy. I'm seeing it in your posts on this thread and others. Can't believe the difference. So proud of you

 

[Katycakes]

KD thanks, you are right of course and I will keep my eyes open now, I promise. I was too confident before and that is where I came unstuck, thought I had it nailed, ha. Why would I have, when it takes everyone else a much longer time - years really - to reset patterns thoroughly?

Scared myself too, with how panicked I became and how quickly, and how it all spiralled so out of control.

I changed ticker goal back up to 11 (it had been adjusted down to 10 7 before that) as a sign that 11 is where I want to be for now. As long as I was looking at that 'new/lower goal' I was always going to feel that I was failing. So, it took me a while to do it but I have put the goalpost back to where it was. And I am happy to be there (ish) again. My aim is to stay below 11, as I did in May & June without too much worry, but other than that I am not planning anything more.

I have posted in the past that beating the binges was my aim, but scary how fast that evaporated when they took hold of me again. Suddenly it was all about the weight, then. Lessons seem to be learned very slowly for me, but this one is getting through. Big task is to keep the eating steady, normal. I LOVE it when I am eating that way. I want to keep that feeling.

And I will be happy with that whether the scales stay at 11 or edge up a bit, believe me. I know whether I have eaten 'out-of-control' or not, and funnily I can eat similar things and be in control, so it's a hard thing to pinpoint, but I KNOW. The reasons are different, the feeling is different. Worked that out a while ago when I realised I could just as easily binge on oatcakes as on choccy. Yet a few days ago ate oatcakes & peanut butter in moderation (to see if I could) and it was fine.

So... lesson has been that scales may stay in a certain zone, but that's not OK if you're eating your bodyweight in chocolate digestives and then starving for three days afterwards. It's all abotu the head. ALL about it, really.

I do feel OK, really. I remember about 3 weeks ago after a wobble people started posting 'oh you're doing so well again' and 'good to have the old Katy back' and I felt sick inside because I knew I was still up to my ears in trouble. This time, I do truly feel OK.

Thanks for your support and concern, always. You don't know how important it is to me.

Hugs.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Good girl, so pleased you feeling happier. If its a daily battle, so be it. You will always win the war, if occasionally lose/draw a battle or two! x

 

[Greeneyes11]

Wow Katy, you are definately sounding your normal confident self again... good plan about CDC, step away a bit now and survive without it.... you know you can, it is very easy to hold onto it as a kind of lifeline... I am quite amazed at how much "normal food" I can eat and still maintain, we just have to find the amount of food that is right for each of us... have a good day today.

 

[Watergirl]

Have a great day Katy and hope the meeting with your CDC goes to plan. It is hard almost moving away from them, but I think you are making the right decisions x

 

[Katycakes]

Well went down to see CDC, had lattes and chatted. (She had brought scales so I could weigh in the loos of cafe but I said no!!!)

I bought a bunch of bars & hot chocs & said I was trying to wind them down now, she seemed OK with that. She was very keen to make another meeting though and I am not good at saying no, but said I would email her when I had looked at diary & maybe we could detatch a bit now. I'm not sure if she wants that, but there has to be a point where I am able to step away as Greeneyes says.

Anyway, that hurdle is done, and enjoyed the walk.

Quorn fillets in oven for lunch... yum!

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

I had a small tin of beans for dinner. Was gonna be beans on toast but looked at the bread and its sprouting small tufts of green. Oops, think i might have sent daughter to school with mouldy sandwich! How bad a mum am i! x

 

[Katycakes]

Green bread... is that healtheir than brown? Isn't mould a sort of protein?

Think I will have some beans with quorn instead of bread.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Have also stewed an apple in microwave, which im waiting to cool down from nuclear heat before i report back to y'all x

 

[sleepybird]

Stewed apple....nice! Hot, but nice!!

 

[Katycakes]

Have some gnarly, pockmarked cooking apples on tree in garden, must pick them before they drop. They would be fine for stewed apple (done in pan as we have no microwave).

Does anyone know anything healthy to do with damsons? Have made jam with them before but they take vatfuls of sugar.

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Are they in distress?

 

[Katycakes]

They will be once I start boiling them up in the jam pan!

(Pre-meditated jam-making, guv)

xxx

 

[sleepybird]

Sorry, couldn't resist! Err, other than crumble, not sure what you can do with them. Could you make wine out of them? xxx

 

[Wales]

Hey Katy, glad to hear you sounding positive and with a plan. And I am so jealous when you say you are out in the sunshine walking the dog in rural Scotland

Hope you have a good evening...

 

[Katycakes]

OK, Day 6 is almost done and dusted. It went like this:

porridge, grated apple, 0% yog
latte
2 quorn fillets, 1/2 tin bakd beans
CD hot choc
3 quorn sausages, turnip & sweet potato mash, peas
CD bar
Plus brisk 40 min walk.

Really wanted the CD bar and enjoyed it... but tomorrow will only have one CD product. Need to lean on it less for my sweet treats.

xxx