Lost & Found... Map Gone AWOL!

[Isis]

Teehee...that was a mammouth post wasn't it...even for me

Spoke volumes though, of sense, compassion and personal experience. I am so glad I read it and yes, I nodded all the way through. Especially the bit,

"think many people (including myself) have snacked through family sized crisp packet whilst reading dieting books, or how to stop overeating books, and nodded all the way through them."

I know I am not maintaining as I haven't even lost my weight yet but reading and learning and reflecting on these posts is so helpful so please don't any of you ever forget that! xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Whoa. Guess I missed all the action last night... eek. Typical, huh?

Thanks to all who have posted and given me so much to think about.

Special thanks to Bess (won't let me rep you) for the big warm hug in word form:

Many of us have truly horrible things that lurk in the past shadows of our lives and which probably affect the way we sometimes behave. Some of us find peace in different kinds of therapy to unravel stuff, or religion, music, art and so on.
But sometimes real relief comes from mentally leaving things behind, shedding them and not trying to understand, just as you and KD have written.
The time ahead is just for us now, to love and be loved and laugh and live life with our friends and family and to let go of the problems we faced or may still do. There are many things which we can't change, people whose behaviour we wish was different, it is a blessing to move on, look to the future and leave the past behind.

xxx

 

[Kira]

I've just sped read posts to catch up this morning. Katy, would I be correct in saying you may overeat (as Porgeous points out) because you want to and know you are doing it and enjoy for the time you are eating, and also 'binge'? That is exactly what I do. I do both. The overeating (be it for self gratification) can then become a 'binge' where one is no longer tasting the food, and not even enjoying it. A vicious cycle, that I clearly didn't break when I lost on CD. I fell back into it. You have to stop yourself from falling and can only work at it. As ever there are some amazing posts on here. Who needs to pay for therapy when you can come to those with real life experiences.

 

[Katycakes]

KD... mega thanks also. If anyone can tell me the truth you can, I know I am doing this to myself... know I have the tootlkit if that makes sense but cannot/will not use it when an emergency strikes. I have given the binges so much power, like they have control over me. I find it hard to believe that I have the control, no matter what my head says... believing it deep down is something else.

There was someone close to me who battled with alcohol addiction for many years, and she would try so hard, do so well, then fall again into the 'lost' zone. As if the falls were needed to fuel the 'normal' times. I can see that pattern starting to emerge for me, and I don't like it. And... that person did not win her battles in the end, and it was horrible, a waste of a life that could have been so different.

So thank you for telling me what had to be said. I know it, really... that I need to just do it. That only I can do that. I hate so much when a binge happens because self-pity does follow, and I HATE that. It's not me... but so much of the person I am when I binge is 'not me'. And yet... it obviously is. Ask my friends and work colleagues what I am like, they would say, workaholic, perfectionist, creative, driven, also chaotic, sensitive, paranoid, kind. Or maybe that's just what I would say? Still, those things are true I believe. And then add in self-hating, self-harming, self-destructive, self-pitying. I don't want to own those descriptions. They scare me.

It's odd as a large part of my career has been spent helping others to overcome problems and build up their self-esteem, and yet there seems to be a big chunk of me missing and I don't know how to fix it. Even the driven-ness, to an extent I am trying to please others with that. It's not for me, but for them. And since the binges have reappeared, I feel that they've tainted everything I have achieved on CD... faulty thinking I know, but it feeds into the cycle. It makes me afraid to admit to what is happening and afraid to trust myself when days seem to be going OK.

Again, I can see that this is all very well, but that what you are really saying is.... just DO it. STOP the binges before they consume you, be proud if you do, be happy for days that are controlled & 'easy'. I will try. I have a lot of problems with feeling good about anything inked to this, as experience has shown me an successes are short-lived, but that has to change now.

I want to be slim and comfortable and 'easy' around food, more than anything. I want to break out of this horrible pattern.

Thank you KD for being honest. Not brutal or harsh, just honest. I can take it on, I will take it on.

Big hugs.

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Porgeous and Isis, thanks also for your input, this whole discussion has helped me a lot... a dose of honesty mixed up with love and support, which makes it easier to take. I will NOT let you guys down. The long term result is what matters... I can still do this.

xxx

 

[Katycakes]

In other news... while KD & Bess & Porgeous & Isis were having this discussion, I was in hotel room trying to iron clothes for today's work. Had to ask for iron as none in room even though it is a swanky hotel. The iron came & there was no back on the plug... all the wires & metal bits exposed. I was getting tired by then and stupidly tried to use it anyway... result? A HUGE electric shock that threw me back across the room. Scared me stupid... I felt it in my heart, if that makes sense, not just in fingers. I couldn't stop shaking.

Got a better iron in end and all was well, but thinking back... the ultimate anti-binge treatment. Electrocution...

'She was a serial binge-eater until a massive electric shock re-set her brain patterns... and she became SuperKaty!'

No, maybe not, it'll never catch on...

xxx

 

[KD]

Gotta rush to work, but just want to pick up on a couple of things.

And then add in self-hating, self-harming, self-destructive, self-pitying.

I don't think binge eating is self destructive or self harming. Well, it might be to the onlooker, and rational thinking, but at the time it's self preservation. At the time you are doing something good to look after yourself. Okay, that's irrational, but that's what we do. We don't self destruct in our minds. We always do what we think is best for ourselves at the time. That's human nature. And if we believe that binging is best for us at each moment we eat something else, we'll do it.

be proud if you do, be happy for days that are controlled & 'easy'.

Just a little happy for those days Happier for the days that are hard and that you do something positive in them. Recovering from binge eating starts to happen every time you pause on an urge to eat when you aren't hungry, whether before a binge or during.

It doesn't happen when you have no urge and it feels easy.

Don't wait for the ultimate lightbulb moment because it wont come. Maybe the occasional flicker of light every now and again if you're lucky, but the rest of the time it's up to you to embrace the moment

Right...must rush off to kiddywinkles

 

[Katycakes]

OK... so wednesday, the day of challenging, fighting, being more aware of the impulses, that was the one to be most proud of. I was aware of those feelings, just wary of trusting them. And worrying that stopping/interrupting hadn't seemed possible on mon or tues.

I don't think binge eating is self destructive or self harming.

Hmmm. Might not be easy to convince me on this. I learned a long time ago that food offered instead of love isn't always what it seems. The sweet taste doesn't go as far as to hide the 'lack'. It was meant to make me feel better, but always there was a sadness mixed in there.

Now... for me, I do think it is a self-harm thing. Sounds dramatic, but there was nothing of love or nurture about food when used in this context. It stems from lack of self-esteem/belief. Comes at moments when I hate myself. Doesn't make me feel better, but worse, thus validating the view that I was useless anyway. Phew. Bit heavy.

Gotta go to work, will be back if/when get a wi-fi connection again, hopefully tonight's hotel won't try to electrocute me...

xxx

 

[Watergirl]

Aww Katy, hope you're okay! Electrocution hurts like hell. I'm a clutz and mowed over the lawmower wire once and it burnt all my arm. Couple of days ago I took my slendertone off when it wasn't switched off and it did the same thing!

Bless you - stay away from irons - great excuse to not iron. Silly hotel.

 

[LizzMB]

i have read all the posts relating to the binge eating with a lot of interest, especially since my chocolate episode. I will never totally know whether it was a binge or not, a need for comfort, a need for presevation etc....but the lesson i HAVE learned is that it happened and i PAUSED!! i could have spent the day continuing, i could have thought "sod it, wedding on sat so i might as well come off plan until then" but i didnt! I identified the need to get straight back on track to continue my quest to goal.
Do i NOW see myself as a failure? HELL NO!! I did what i did becuase i'm human! I did what i did becuase (whether my BMI says it or not!) I'm NORMAL and these things "happen"! I debated about getting weighed in tomorrow or not, thinking it would be better to run and hide from it all...but then i realised i needed to face my emotional fears and part of the acceptance will be the result on the scales.
I am proud of myself...oddly so....becuase in one box of chocolates came a whole heap of lessons!!!

Anyway......lol

Katy...i hope you complained to the hotel about the iron? They shouldnt be putting electrical equipment in your room like that! That's sooo bad! but long may SuperKaty continue! lol

Hope you have more luck with tonights electricals hun!!! lol

Hope you have a super 100% day hun

xxxx

 

[KD]

I don't think binge eating is self destructive or self harming.

Hmmm. Might not be easy to convince me on this.

Now... for me, I do think it is a self-harm thing.

Ah yes, but remember I added that to a rational thinker it is. We do things to make us feel better. Okay, we might feel worse during it, or after it, but there is something 'better' that we get from it....otherwise we wouldn't do it.

We are not programmed to intentionally harm ourselves. We are programmed to self care.

So where does that leave the self harmer? The person who damages their body. At the time, there is some false belief that they will feel better at some point during the binge. It's probably going to be the next item of food...though it generally isn't...but at the time they feel it might be.

And of course it isn't. But the drive is there to make us feel better...so really, irrational belief or not, we do it to make ourselves feel good in some way. We don't do it to make ourselves feel worse, unless we want to feel worse for some reason, and that reason will be to benefit ourselves in some way.

The problem is that our belief system is cranky and at that time we believe that it's going to do what we want it to do.

In hindsight, obviously it doesn't and a truer belief system comes back into play and we wonder why on earth we did it.

So, it's self caring. We try to find something that makes us feel better even though it makes this worse...we don't believe it at the time.

 

[KD]

The best way I can describe this is by using the most extreme form of self care. Suicide. Why would anyone want to commit suicide unless they felt it was in their best interest?

They weigh up the pros and cons and they feel that it would be better for them to die than to live. They chose the best thing for them based upon their own belief system.

right...back to work .....

 

[Bess]

I will NOT let you guys down. The long term result is what matters... I can still do this.

xxx

You don't let anyone down, nor yourself. Self blame? Part of the problem?

So where does that leave the self harmer? The person who damages their body.
So, it's self caring.

Or self punishment?

The best way I can describe this is by using the most extreme form of self care. Suicide. Why would anyone want to commit suicide unless they felt it was in their best interest?

Out of spite and hate, to provide the nastiest punishment to/revenge on other people.

 

[Bess]

What a brilliant exchange of views and information. So helpful. Thanks KD .
You are our guardian!!

 

[KD]

Or self punishment?

Yes, but why would anyone want to punish themselves unless in some way it would make them feel better? They would have thought they had in some paid for their 'crime'. Nobody punishes themselves unless they get something out of it. Irrational? Yes, but there's got to be some benefit to the person.

Out of spite and hate, to provide the nastiest punishment to/revenge on other people.

Nah. Not in my opinion. I would say that the majority of suicides think they are doing the other person a favour. That they would be better off without them. Again, irrational, but that's what it's all about.

Just say it wasn't though. Just say they did do it out of spite. They would still feel there was a benefit for them. They would have got some sort of revenge and nobody seeks revenge unless it makes themselves feel better in some way surely?

Teehee. What a philosophical debate here. Hope you don't mind this on your thread Katy. Just illustrates it well I reckon. That we find benefit in things that seem irrational to others, but we are doing things to feel better. To self care.

 

[KD]

What a brilliant exchange of views and information. So helpful. Thanks KD .
You are our guardian!!

Nah. I just have too many opinions

 

[alexmummy07]

lots of interesting thoughts on here I must admit - and I am reading whilst trying to get me well again.
I have this whole 'terrified of putting the weight back on' thing going on, and so I am really wanting to learn absolutely everything I can to prevent anything of the sort happening, from my own experiences and taken other's learning curves into the mix too.

I've always thought self sabotage existed, but after reading KD's posts am re-thinking this, even though it's very hard to change thoughts guess.

Hope you are having a good day Katy - and getting away from dodgy electricals!xx

 

[Wales]

Hey Katy, not good about your electrical episode - hope you get an apology at the very least!

Nothing to add to the discussions, I just want to know if Super Katy has an outfit and a cape???

 

[Bess]

Just say it wasn't though. Just say they did do it out of spite. They would still feel there was a benefit for them. They would have got some sort of revenge and nobody seeks revenge unless it makes themselves feel better in some way surely?

Yes, ok I can see this. Maybe you are right.

Nah. I just have too many opinions

And thank goodness you share them with us because they are very very helpful. They warn us of the pitfalls to come.

I have this whole 'terrified of putting the weight back on' thing going on, and so I am really wanting to learn absolutely everything I can to prevent anything of the sort happening, from my own experiences and taken other's learning curves into the mix too.

I've always thought self sabotage existed, but after reading KD's posts am re-thinking this, even though it's very hard to change thoughts guess.

xx

Me too, Alex, of putting the weight back on.
I never thought I would lose it and sort of don't 'deserve' to be slim. I kind of expect to put it back on. Sad eh? Can I prove myself wrong? Can I?

 

[Katycakes]

WHOA.... again, the things you lot get up to while I am away!

I love you all lots, y'know, please argue on my thread whenever you like! Again, so much to take in. I am in Bath now, no electrocuting irons here, but couple in room next to me had a MASSIVE row last night... in the middle of it the bloke picked phone up, it must have been reception complaining, and said: 'No, no disturbance, no problem at all, everything is just fine thank you!' and put the phone down and continued swearing, yelling, turning the night air blue and attempting to throw his partner out onto the streets of Bath. This morning I heard them leave for brekky, giggling as if nothing had happened! I think my hotels are doomed!

Wales, Superkaty ... what would she wear? One of those old fashioned swimsuits with the sticky out skirt and a big cape to hide behind! And a tiara made of electrical wire & sparking fuses. And her job is to seek out and destroy all binge demons, and champion the CD cause far and wide. Lol wales!

xxx