man troubles... long, sorry.

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Scarlett, 13 April 2009 Social URL.

  1. Scarlett

    Scarlett Full Member

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    hi all,

    not really sure why I am posting this here, but guess all Minimin-ers have weight issues so can maybe understand this experience in someway.

    To give some background, I have struggled with weight my whole life, has been worse the last 2 years since losing my mum to cancer. Since she dies, I had a great first attempt on CD and lost 5 stone. At present I have regained that 5 stone and an utterly miserable. It really does affect all areas of my life, dont feel like socialising, dont feel attractive etc. I should add that since the regain have non stop been trying to restart CD sole source, so in some ways I guess, stalled my life whilst struggling like this.

    So for 3 weeks I have stuck to CD. Found an ace counsellor who is strict with me (in good way) and insists on weekly weigh ins, so I finally feel like I am making progress. Me and hubby had made plans for holiday mid sept and I really felt optimistic about the future for the first time in ages.

    So yesterday out of the blue, he wakes in a total mood, silent all day, argumentative, then eventually states he is thinking of moving out. He says he cannot put his life on hold waiting for me to lose weight. That I am a big disappointment to him. That I always say things I do not mean, and that he actually thinks if he leaves me I will lose weight and that it will be the best thing for me. That the wii fit he bought me has been used twice and he is fed up with it.

    To say I am shocked and upset is an understatement. I know he has a problem with my weight but cannot believe he would throw away our marriage because of this issue alone.

    To clarify he is not a bad person. He just has never had weight issues and cannot understand how hard it has been to get back on the CD wagon.

    any advice please?????
     
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  3. sbridge7

    sbridge7 Silver Member

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    I'm really sorry about that, I can understand that you might be feeling alone at the moment and he should be offering support. I would recommend that you continue with the CD- things like this only spur you on. Maybe talk to him and find out what was the reason for his outburst. Best of luck xx
     
  4. YummyMummy04

    YummyMummy04 Silver Member

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    Hello hun,

    I am so sorry you are having a hard time. You have done so well sticking to CD for 3 weeks, well done you.

    Please dont take offence at this but I know you say your husband isnt a bad person but he doesnt sound like a very nice one to be giving up on your marriage and talking to you like that just because of a weight issue.

    Also you have stuck to CD for 3 weeks now which is a great achievement so kind of blows his excuse out of the water.

    I am not qualified to advise you and wouldnt know what to advise but you should not loose weight because of your husband or anyone else. Loose your weight for your health both physically and mentally and for your own well being.

    Maybe you should think about what you really want and need out of life whether it is with or without your husband and go from there.

    I am lucky to have a husband who loves me whether i am over weight or slim but i have read a lot of spouses get very insecure when their partners start to loose weight and it maybe his worry as you have stuck to CD for 3 weeks now. Just another aspect that may or may not be going thro his head.

    Good luck hon X
     
  5. macy12

    macy12 Full Member

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    Hi Scarlett,
    I know its easy for me to say, but as an `outsider` as it were, maybe I can see things a bit clearer.

    Could it be that he really doesn`t mean it, but feels helpless in his efforts for you to be happy.
    Unless someone has had or has a weight problem, it can be sooooo difficult for them to really understand how you feel.

    He obviously loves you to bits, but doesn`t know what to do to make things better.
    Maybe in desperation, he`s blurted this out today, not really meaning it, but maybe angry with himself for not `making you happy`.
    Maybe he feels its his fault for not being able to help you find a solution.

    You`re doing the very best you can now by sticking to CD and as the weight falls off, which it will, slowly but surely you WILL begin to like yourself more, I promise !!
    xxxxxxxxx
     
  6. Tiitanium

    Tiitanium Gold Member

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    i totally understand this but from the other way round.. i have a brilliant guy who offers so much support and been there for me ive lost nearly 3 stones since jan.. and when i first started i felt so low .. i tryed to finish it because i didnt want him to wait around and waste his life while i get myself better.. but he said he wiill be there threw it all... im guessing he was just worried for you and venting a bit of stress.. sit down and tell him your three weeks into this and feeling confident... and that you need his support it will make you stronger... you could always arrange a wii fit night where u both use it and have a laugh.. it will do the world of good doing something together...you have to do it for you but having support makes so mmuch difference i know. xx
     
  7. Twingo31

    Twingo31 Full Member

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    Hey Scarlett, so sorry about the troubles you are having.

    I think there is probably a deeper issue driving his mood and as men are not good at articulating themselves it may be a good idea to seek some counselling before he resorts to a seperation. This is coming from someone who has had many many issues with my partner over the last 8 years, some of which have been driven by my weight and some by other issues we have had which then always came back to my weight as an easy thing to blame. My partner even said to me once that i repulsed him and looking at me really put him off. It turned out that he really didnt mean it but was angry with me and himself for other things and needed to lash out and blame something else for his unhappiness. I can't tell you how much it hurt at the time but we got over it and other more terrible things. I know counselling is a scary idea for most men but it will help you both deal with these problems, and anything else that is festering below the surface. I hope this helps.
     
  8. AbsolutelyFabulous

    AbsolutelyFabulous Absolutely Determined!

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    Im sorry that you're going through this right now :(
    People who haven't had problems with weight often find it difficult to understand how deeply it can affect a person. However, for you to say he has always had problems with your weight makes me wonder who you are losing it for in the first place. It's awful that he has treated you this way, especially as you are trying so hard with CD right now, but maybe he was right in one respect. Maybe now you will lose the weight. But not for him. For you. Do it because you want to. Do it because you deserve to be happy. Whatever happens with your husband, I think its important that you try and address the reason why you are sitting there blaming yourself and your weight for his awful behaviour. Don't take responsibility for his actions. That's down to him.

    I'm sorry to be blunt. I wish someone had said this to me years ago. You deserve so much more than you have right now. Be strong. xx
     
  9. Scarlett

    Scarlett Full Member

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    thanks so much guys for all your replies... its a tough situation thats for sure.In response to Absolutely Fabulous, I do desperately want to lose the weight for ME, its just another incentive/pressure that its very important to him also.

    I guess that I wish he accepted me 100% now, overweight, but still a good person, still trying to improve herself. On the other hand, I know men are visual beings. I am very different weight wise to the person he married, and though it hurts me to admit, if I don't think (sorry..) my rolls of fat are attractive, how can he???

    I'm really not sure right now what the future hold for either of us, I just hope its together :(
     
  10. curlywurly1234

    curlywurly1234 Cambridge Consultant

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    Hey Scarlett,
    i am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time at the moment.
    & so sorry to here of the loss of your mum.. You really have had a rough time..

    You have done so well sticking to the cd for 3 weeks dont let anything spoil it for you ..

    Sometimes we say things we dont mean perhaps your husband is saying it to try and scare monger you or something .

    Perhaps if you have been really miserable of late and not happy it is bringing him down.. I know I am looking forward to go on my next holiday and being Slim and on my last holiday did not feel to great in my swimsuit and it does make the whole thing different.. Your mood changes when you feel good about yourself.

    i think you need to have a good old heart to heart with your DH...

    Hang in there hon hope you manage to sort things out ..
    xx
     
  11. tillyfloss

    tillyfloss Gold Member

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    :grouphugg:Scarlett :grouphugg:

    Firslty feel the hug from all of us who really care!!

    I too am going through a relationship difficulty and we are seperating, it was my idea and he was really like... why why why?? however, I asked him the other day whether he felt we would get back together, and he was very evasive then said.. noooo too much water under the bridge...

    I was shocked as I always thought he was really happy...

    The reason I'm telling you this, is that often men hide their feelings well...

    I would say that if I was you I would try to encourage him to go to couples counselling before you both go seperate ways. If he refuses and wants to leave, then nothing you can do will make him stay, he might just be genuinley unsure of what he wants....
    Sometimes when we are very wrapped up in pour own problems such as with grief, we can neglect those around us when normally we would never ever do this, it's just beyond our control... He may just be feeling very down, and not sure what he wants.

    Whatever you do, you know with certainty that one thing you can control 100% is staying on CD and reaching your goal weight. (This is the one thing that has given me so much strength over the last few weeks) Wherever your marriage ends up, you being slim and confident will help you to cope with any possible outcome...

    Once again I will give you a hug.... and try to encourage couples counselling, even if he does decide to go, this counselling can really help you to split amicabley, and help to ease the pain!

    Good luck with the next few weeks.... and concentrate on your goal of being slim!

    xx
     
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