marriage ending.....just looking for some moral support

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by alexisemma31, 29 January 2011 Social URL.

  1. alexisemma31

    alexisemma31 Full Member

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    Hi everyone,

    as my title states really, I've called time on my marriage and I'm really scared for the future.

    I've been married for 16 years and for the majority of it we were really happy. We have two kids; daughter age 19 and son aged 17.

    We've been having problems for about a year, nothing too serious, just not getting on and for the first time I seriously thought about life on my own.

    Back in November my hubby lost his job (he did know about this in September) and did nothing to line up another job. Since then he has done naff all, lying in bed till dinner time and just tinkering round the house. I work full time and am up at 6.30 every morning. I had been saving up money to pay for our son's university accommodation (he starts this coming September) but I had to use all of this to pay for Xmas.

    It was only after a meltdown 2 weeks ago when I had called home for my lunch at 1.00 and he was still in bed that he half heartedly started looking for a job. He has applied for 2, had an interview for one of them 'but didn't fancy it'.

    I called home yesterday at 1.00pm and he was still in bed again. I decided enough is enough. I told him it's over and he told me he won't move out as he has no money, and I told him I'm not moving out either. (btw the mortgage hasn't been paid since November)

    So, our sons final exam is next Friday at which point I'm going to tell them the situation and put the house up for sale next weekend.

    Can I force a sale if hubby doesn't want to?

    Anybody got any advice or been in the same situation?
     
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  3. Margery Dawe

    Margery Dawe Silver Member

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    It sounds like he is depressed to me. Can you not get him to the doctors and see if they can give him some tablets.

    I'm not judging you as I don't know the whole story (and who can) but if you have been really happy for all that time, it seems such a sad thing to call time on it now, just when the kids are off your hands and you can enjoy your life together.

    It may take a lot of hard work and a lot of talking, but it is surprising what you can rescue. I'm talking from experience as we have very nearly been divorced once (only had to sign the decree nisi and wait 6 months!!). We managed to sort things out and are now happier than ever.

    The most important thing you need to do now is talk, talk, talk and talk some more.

    Big hugs being sent to you though, as there is nothing worse than looking at a future that is so uncertain xxxxxx
     
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  4. alexisemma31

    alexisemma31 Full Member

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    I appreciate your reply Marjorie, you are probably right, he may be depressed and I am really hoping he sorts himself out. I don't wish him any harm, he has been a good husband and father. But I know our marriage is at its end.

    He is being very obnixious at the moment. He came to bed at midnight, turned the light on, tv on and proceeded to smoke. (he doesn't smoke upstairs as I don't like it). He'd also been to the shop and was drinking cans of lager?????? He doesn't normally drink at home.

    If it wasn't for the kids I would be out of here yesterday. But until the house is sold I'm just going to have to put up with whatever he throws at me I suppose.
     
  5. kerry b

    kerry b Silver Member

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    Im really sorry to hear your marriage is ending. You need to contact Citizens Advive and they will tell you what you need to know.

    My Hubby announced out of the blue last year that he wanted to seperate. I was completey shocked, as far as I was aware we had problems but were working them out and had even started TTC baby no.2. we both refused to leave the house as neither one of us could afford to go somewhere on their own. Fortunately after a lot of arguments we agreed to sell the house so neither of us had to force a sale. If your OH isn't working surely he would have to agree to sell the house as he couldnt afford to pay mortgage etc if you were to leave.

    Since that announcement we have sold the house and found somewhere to rent and agreed to give our marriage another try for 6mths ( that will take us to a year since his announcement).

    I'm scared for the future but also starting to feel curious about a life without him.

    Are you sure you really want to end your marriage or is it just the stress of the situation at the moment? It's not an easy decision. I was extremely resentful when my OH was unemployed. I was having to go to work, look after my son and still do the cooking and most household chores while he sat on the sodding computer all day.:mad: And I dont mean job hunting unless ebay advertise jobs in your local area. Things have improved a bit since he started working again (although we do have the I hate my job and its your fault I took it argument on a regular basis).

    As I said CAB will help you with all the legal ins and outs and maybe think about a marriage councillor if you think the relationship is worth saving.

    I hope you gat the advice to help you sort things out.

    Big hugs ((((( ))))))
     
  6. alexisemma31

    alexisemma31 Full Member

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    Thanks for your post kerry.

    Yes I do resent him for lying in bed whilst I am up and out to work. But that isn't the reason for me ending our marriage. Its a number of things really, I just feel we've reached the end of the road.

    My upmost priority is our wonderful kids. I want to make sure they are protected as much as possible. It's a shame hubby doesn't have the same intelligence. I could hear him on his mobile last night whilst I was in the bath talking in a very loud voice...'she said......., I said.....' you get the picture. Both kids were downstairs at the time. This just reinforces my decision.

    I can't wait till the day I walk out of this house with my kids, into a new life.

    I really hope your marriage works out for you xx
     
  7. kerry b

    kerry b Silver Member

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    Thanks. I don't know if i want it to work out but think it is only fair to our son to give it another try. Im hoping to be able to keep things friendly for his sake if it doesnt.

    Sounds to me like you know what you want so i would say if you can afford it then get some legal advice or try CAB. I spoke to them last year after OH announcement and they were great.

    Good luck. I hope your kids give you all the support you deserve
     
  8. alexisemma31

    alexisemma31 Full Member

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    I hadn't thought of going to the CAB, do you have to make an appointment?
     
  9. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Hi Alexis,

    To me, his behaviour is screaming potential depression. He has lost his job, cant pay the bills, is staying in bed rather than being pro-active about it, and probably on the whole is feeling rather useless. He is acting out of the ordinary and is probably hiding under his quilt rather than have to face the pressure of reality.

    Reality is, at the moment, that jobs are scarce and its an employers market. That wont be helping. Nor, I am afraid, will added pressure at home.

    I cant help but feel that perhaps you are making this break at the time when really, he needs your support the most, and the impact of this decision is going to hit him the hardest.

    I appreciate that you might not want to, but is it possible to tell us why you feel like you have come to the end of the road, in what was previously by your own admission, for the most part a very happy marriage? Everything you have said thus far is typical behaviour from someone who is suffering depression, ie "not well" - and with the right therapy and support it is perfectly likely that he would be restored to the man you fell in love with, rather than this person you are dealing with now, who is, obviously not someone you enjoy being with.

    I think before you make this decision permanent, you should look very seriously into some couple's counselling, getting him to the GP, and also applying for any benefits you may be entitled to while he is out of work. Housing Benefit may help cover the interest on the mortgage, for example, and save you losing your home.

    Sometimes when you are right inside a situation, it is impossible to take a step out of the situation and view it from another perspective, and as an impartial observer, this is what I see from your responses.

    For you, it must be very hard, so much extra pressure and he doesnt seem to want to do a damned thing about sorting things out. But if he IS ill, then that is something beyond his control and it would be useful for you to have some counselling and additional support to be able to try and get things sorted.

    It may be the end of the road, but most roads have junctions or ways back out of them. Do everything to make absolutely sure that you are taking the best turn.
     
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  10. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    My thoughts are with you, I shall ask my Angels to help.
     
  11. ColJack

    ColJack Gold Member

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    As someone who's been in your OH's position all I can do is try and give you an insight into what he's going through..
    I was made redundant Feb 2009 and didn't find work until august 2010, at first I looked and applied for every job I could, but after a few months of no replies and zero interviews I fell into what I can only describe as a funk..
    I only half arsed looked for work as it was required for JSA, but the number of previously ignored applications really makes you think "why even bother, there's not many jobs and lots of people more qualified than me out there.."
    You worry about things and lie awake at night until the wee small hours.. you may not notice it but he could regularly be seeing dawn from the wrong side..
    when you do get to sleep you stay there as long as you feel like it because there's no point in getting up.. which then aggrivates the not sleeping at night because you're not tired and your brain won't switch off..
    I had several cycles of stopping going to bed later and later eventually resulting in staying up until 8 am then sleeping until 4 or 5 in the afternoon.. I had to force myself to stay up for 2 days to reset my body clock..
    Alcohol can be a temporary cure to shut off the brain and help you sleep but is definitely not a long term solution..

    Your OH is very likely depressed.. he feels like he's let you and the family down and it makes him feel useless..
    I don't want to make you feel bad, but having someone constantly remind you you're a failure isn't going to help his state of mind and divorce would just be a kick to the head while he's down..

    I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but as I've been where he is ( minus the wife and family ) I can sympathise with him a bit..
    There isn't much work out there still.
     
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  12. alexisemma31

    alexisemma31 Full Member

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    thanks everybody, I appreciate that you have tried to make me see it from the other side. It has certainly given me food for thought.
     
  13. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Great advice from the guys, sending you {{{{hugs}}}} xx
     
  14. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    nothing to add - but didn't want to read and leave......i hope everything works out for the best xx
     
  15. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    If you have decided the end is in sight and have made it public by coming here the chances that you are perhaps available for reconciliation are remote.

    I understand 100% where you are coming from. I understand the impotent frustration at seeing your loved one disintegrate in front of your eyes. I understand your frustration at seeing him give in to his depression and feelings of futility. I understand your despair. I am not criticizing him, he must feel so awful and not know where to turn next.

    I know if you have drawn a line under your relationship little will retrieve it.

    As long as you have questioned how you feel and given the situation every possible chance, the time to move on is now.

    Do not do what I did and waste years staying in a relationship that is dead. You have been together enough years to know what you are doing. Go with your heart.

    I wish you success in your chosen path,

    hugs xxxxxxx
     
  16. Emmaline

    Emmaline Hippety Hop!

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    Have to say that a lot of the advice given is spot on - get some counselling if at all possible, it's just amazing what they can make you think about in a more constructive manner.
    Just one point though, you say that your children will "walk out of the house with you" - there is always the possibility that either one may choose to go with their dad, have you considered that aspect, I wonder?
    Well, I do hope you get some help and that things will turn out well...:)
     
  17. ColJack

    ColJack Gold Member

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    There's also the very remote possibility that the court could award custody to the father....
    Highly unlikely in our biased society, but not entirely impossible..
     
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  19. Margery Dawe

    Margery Dawe Silver Member

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    I think at 17 and 19, custody being awarded by a court is not really relevant.
     
    Last edited: 29 January 2011
  20. Lj71

    Lj71 Member

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    I'm very sorry you are going through such a hard time, and I am in no position to offer advice, just want to say I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family x
     
  21. chipbutty

    chipbutty Full Member

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    i know the kids are older but it will still effect them, you need to do whats best for you thou, your oh does sound depressed & with help maybe you can sort it out, thats if you want to! dont know how long you have been in your home but to rent is alot more than what you are probably paying now, hope things get better for you soon xx
     
  22. Shrimpy

    Shrimpy Gold Member

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    I am not sure I can offer anything that others haven't already said, but I'll add my penny's worth and send some huge hugs your way!

    I am married to a man who suffers from recurrant clinical depression (who "forgets" to take his meds for months at a time) and as such I know how god awful it can be to see them in that state. It really helps to look at it from the point that it ISN'T a funk they can shake off, that it really IS a disease whereby they CANNOT feel pleasure (at all- the brain chemistry stops the pleasure pathway) and nothing can make them shake it off. It helps me to realise this when I'm sat in floods of tears at his behaviour and then I think I wouldn't go crazy if he had soiled himself due to cancer or something so I can't get angry at the fact that he's lost all understanding of his impact on me due to his mental disorder (that's not a choice and not a funk etc).

    However, if you have drawn a line under the marriage and staying with him seems impossible and unwanted, go to CAB and see what they suggest. It is much better that you do what is right for you and your kids don't need two unhappy parents.
     
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