Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[MiniMimi2091]

Hope you are well Min...

I find it fascinating reading your diary... My first impression was that you need to cut sugar and carbs (as this always works for me) but you'd mentioned that you already did that...

Some fruits are high in sugar, maybe you should be careful with these? Maybe you should start playing some mind tricks trying to gain control back? Either way, binging on veg and fruits doesn't seem to be that damaging - maybe you should just let yourself have it...no guilt - just enjoy it. Don't analyse - have it. Maybe once you back in control zone by knowing that you, in fact, CAN have it whenever you want, will take away excitement of "forbidden fruit" and will make it easier to reclaim control...
Either way - good luck with your journey and please be kind to yourself hun xxx

 

[Minerva]

Thank you Mini... You are here as always and it's so very much appreciated... I hope your own path with life is going well?

I do realise that some fruit has higher sugar content than others - and it's not so much the food which is the issue... it's like, I can't stop stuffing it in? I get no PLEASURE as such (you know the type of pleasure you get from a chocolate cake for example?)... it's just ... eating it. Picture a pig, near swallowing whole the apples, the plums, the mushrooms whatever it is... not stopping to chew, just expanding... Sometimes a quote from Monty Python pops into my head when I'm so full it's hard to move - 'Perhaps... a waff-eeerr thin mint?' ... Kinda does feel like I'll explode.

I have no desire for sugar, or wheat, or anything... except for vegetables and fruit. All I eat is that. With the exception of about 2 small servings of 0% Greek yoghurt and maybe a couple teaspoons of cooked vegetables/plain beans. I refuse to eat anything else... I don't want to.


I do find it hard to deny myself what I want. But therein lies the issue. I CAN re-program what I want quite easily. 2 weeks ago all I wanted was cake, bread, chocolate, nuts... I've gone far enough not to actually want those items AT ALL anymore - therefore I'm not actually denying myself anything. I WANT the fruit and vegetables.

I've done half of the hard work. The other half is a little more tricky... Now that I've somewhat eliminated the IMMEDIATE danger of binge eating on highly calorific food (with the effect of EXTREME weight gain in a very short period of time) - I have cut down the danger drastically - even if I binge on raw food - while I WILL gain weight - it won't be as quick, and I won't be putting absolute rubbish into my body - which in itself - is disgusting.

So, I have bought myself a little bit of time to try to get to the bottom of my bingeing. I need to sort it out before it spirals COMPLETELY beyond my comprehension.
I can attribute a lot of it to not having any control over my life at all and having nowhere I can call my own. The only control I have is with food and WHAT I eat. Before it was HOW MUCH (i.e. hardly anything at all)... Now it's too much, too fast, to compensate for all the other losses, sacrifices and compromises I've had to come to terms with.

Hm... Life is never very straight forward... is it. I have still yet much to learn, I'm nearly 24 - but the world is still ahead. I am keen to push forward. Where would be truly be without failures? We must get up, dust ourselves off and keep going.

 

[Minerva]

Sorry to hear that your grandfather is so ill Min. You have a lot going on atthe moment. xx

Thank you Splenda... Indeed... there's too much to handle it seems, and I need to find my priorities... and try, TRY not to let things get completely beyond all control. I have eliminated SOME dangers, but others are harder to battle with...

Thanks again for yoru support... It's very much appreciated.

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
i have just had a quick catch up - ive been off line for the best part of a week
i am impressed you can control the foods you eat - managing not to want the sugar carbs and want friut veg is a massive battle to win

i like fruit and veg - a lot, but push comes to shove and its still the cakes/biscuits that win. I really want to change this.

i have tried visualising the crap inside them, the harm it does to my insides etc etc, but the message still does not get through to my brain, and i still see them as a treat/reward when i actually know they are completely the opposite!

why can't my mind override this???

i stopped eating meat when i was 19. i have never ever craved or even been slightly tempted by it since that day, not even a tiny taste.

if my mind can do that, then why can't it do the same with chocolate/crisps etc.

i don't eat these any more as part of my normal food - I eat as a 'treat' - but i find reasons to treat myself. An overnight trip away, well i need a couple of glassses of social wine, or some chocolate in the car on the way down. A shopping trip - an excuse for a cuppa and scone. why why why????!!!! its not a treat, it will make me fat and miserable - why don't i get this message???


sorry, turned into a ramble! Just in awe you seem to have found the switch - and if you are binging at least its the fruit and veg which is getting you, i want to be there!

sorry to hear your granddad is poorly

do you get time off at easter, if so try and get some chilled out time, you seem to have a lot going on

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

I've long since stopped using food as a treat... Got out of the habit - though, I have recently found that my comfort food has become (over the period of about 6 months!) a pot of 0% Greek Yoghurt with frozen Summer Berries with some sweetner... It seems to be the ultimate go-to food for me, the only thing that actually makes me 'feel' better.
When the family are tucking into ice-cream, cheesecake, whatever it is - all I want is my yoghurt and berries. ... hell I'd be happy ONLY eating that all day for meals - though realistically that would be unhealthy nutritionally speaking ... meh, I have a multi-vitamin every morning at least to combat some deficiencies I may have from -at the moment- a mostly raw vegetable/fruit diet ...

I think Daisy - you need to find a balance... I found that when I eliminated the temptation (threw out the snacks ... or in the last week ATE the snacks - and did NOT buy any more) after a few days of telling myself I don't *need* them - I stopped wanting them. If they're not there, if you don't buy them - it's easier to regain some respect for these food items and give yourself a little bit of distance to be able to say no.
So, in your case, don't have any wine at home for a few weeks. At the end of a long day - when you would usually be desperate for a glass as a 'treat' - you won't have that go-to anymore... and you'll learn to manage without it over the period of a week or so. ...

That's what I did at least, and am doing slowly with all food. Eliminating my desire, putting distance inbetween myself and ALL food - so that I can regain my respect for it. I will start reintroducing items again when this binge cycle has ended. I'm on the 'fruit' cutting out stage now, I was addicted to plums - stopped buying them. I'll be more respectful of them if they do come back, I'll be more weary. I've put a restriction of 3 apples per day maximum now as well. It's still unlimited vegetables though, I need slow transitions... Going ok so far.


My grandfather did pass away yesterday morning... At least he's not suffering anymore. My dad can finally come back home to England and not be in a state of constant flux on flights to our home country and here every week... Both, can now rest.

And I need to keep going. It hurts, of course. There's so much to deal with. But at least one worry, is now lessened... having to guess and to think about 'when it will happen' all the time... Now I can make plans for the summer to go to Russia and say goodbye to both my grandparents properly and be able to move on.

 

[daisydoll]

sorry to hear about your granddad, as you said some comfort in the fact he's not in pain anymore.

will the trip to russia be a chance to have a holiday or will it be visiting family etc?

i will try it with the wine when i start eating again - its funny but in abstinence the cravings go completely, even tho i know i have only had 500 cals in the day. just goes to show how it is all in the mind.

daisy x

 

[slendablenda]

Hello Min, sorry to hear that your grandad has passed away. I know you were expecting it and common sense may tell you it is for the best, but even so it is still painful to deal with. xx

 

[Gemma79]

sorry to hear about your granddad min, my thoughts are with you xx

 

[Minerva]

I... must... not... get... stuck... in... the... undertow.

I cannot. I must not. I still have time to save myself. But not much time left. Not much left now. I cannot come undone.

I need to hear the voice of reason. Maybe, if I stay very quiet... and listen to the wind... I'll hear it. Gently, swaying on the breeze... all but a whisper, a golden thread caught high up in the willow branch. I need to squint against the blinding sun, reflections piercing, ruthless. Reality is painful as the burning globe up in the sky. But I need to catch the thread of reason. Hope and sanity.

Let me see it. Let me hear it's gentle chime against the dull droning screams of darkness. I need it now.

I must not let myself disappear.

 

[Jezebella]

Hey Min

So sorry to have been offline whilst you were going through such a hard time. Very sad to hear about your Grandfather, but I hope that the fact he is now at peace is of some comfort to you. Sounds like you are managing really well food wise in difficult circumstances.

Message me if you fancy a chat.

Jez
xx

 

[Minerva]

It’s strange how addictions are, and how they express themselves. I admit it here, I am a food addict. I live to eat. I breathe to eat. I admit it, and I have always been this way. If I really think about it, it’s been this way forever. Even in my short time period of (not) eating, I was always in constant distress because I was depriving myself that thing I always want to do. I replaced food with coffee and tea. I replaced it with chewing gum. There’s no wonder I was chain drinking coffee and tea. Downing those by the gallon, as soon as one cup ended put the kettle on for another.
So, after that controlling period, the flood gate has opened and suddenly the bingeing, the addiction is worse than before... because I had deprived myself for so long.
I had routines, I had mechanisms in place at my house to stop myself from over doing it. Even my boyfriend admits he has a slight problem around food – if it’s in front of him, he WILL eat it all. As I was discussing my food addiction with him the other day he admitted that he too hides wrappers sometimes (though to a much lesser extent than I do now). He has a problem – and he admitted to MISSING the way food was controlled in our home. The cupboards were bare and there was only ever enough food in the house for evening meals and lunches. No snacks – we had set routines. I knew how to cook EXACTLY the RIGHT amount for us both with no left-overs. It worked for us – because we both have a deep addictive problem with food. There is after all a reason why we BOTH went on Lighter Life 2 years ago.
As with all addicts – there are certain things you work out in your life to make it work for you. I crave to have my own space again, my own home so that I can set those mechanisms back up without disruption or judgement from anyone outside. I don’t want to be dictated to when I should have dinner, and WHAT I should have for dinner, and why. Why am I doing this, why am I doing that. ... The worst of it of course is temptation. I am fine if the things aren’t around – and I’m ok not to buy them and stock them in my house. But I can’t very well throw out all the snacks here – because they’re not mine! They’re my partner’s parents – they want them there. ...

At the moment this really does feel like a prison. It’s like ... locking an alcoholic in an alcohol shop. When you say a person can’t be addicted to food in the same way – you’re so wrong. It’s easy to say ‘oh so, why can’t you just have a little self-control?’ ... Well would you like a slap in the face with that lovely grin? Tell that to the alcoholic.
When it’s in front of me – my mind just goes blank. All I see is that item. If I walk away from it, my mind remains there with it. I can’t hear any conversation, I can’t think straight. All I see, all I am – is that food item. Doesn’t matter what it is to be honest. The world around me turns into a background buzz. Meaningless buzzing... Until I eat it. And then when I do, more follows. Because I look for more all of a sudden. The world will end if I don’t have more. My mind races, there must be more? The world will end in a minute and I’m not satisfied yet? Buzzzzz... BUZZZ...... More. I need more. ... Oh god my stomach hurts, but I need more.
The world. It will end... I must... Have... More... ...I think I’m gonna throw up.... I feel nauseous... dizzy... I need more. I need. ... Sleep. ... Aching, hot and sweating I sleep. Bloated and full. Guilty and ashamed. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow, a detox. ...

I sleep...

I wake up hung-over. All I remember is a whirlwind... flashes of food. Going backwards and forwards, endlessly., Pacing up and down, eating. I remember the previous night as if I was drunk. A blur of consumption, a desperation, chaos. ... and this morning, I’m hung-over and bloated. Feeling rough, and guilty. Over-come and empty at the same time.

Never again. Never. ... until later, I’m confronted with ... more.

 

[daisydoll]

how long til you get your own place again hun?

it would test most of us living with someone else - try and keep things in perspective and see it as a short term issue, you will be able to get back in control when you are settled in your own place.

its awful having food about, i find it difficult having 3 kids in the house as there is always something available for me to eat at anytime. so hard to control - and i don't most of the time, hence the weight gain.

you are still well within your healthy bmi and did, as you said previously, 'need' to put on some weight on - if only to fill out your clothes better - so try and see this as a positive in some way, or at least not as a total negative. you have been so strict it was almost bound to happen, you probably aren't as out of control as you feel - just feels bad as you have been so careful for so long.

I hope things get easier

daisy x

 

[kenshin112]

hey ladies, hey min sorry to hear about your grandfather passing at least hes at peace now god bless

as for food who knew it could have such a hold on living, and i agree its hard to miss the treat section when it comes to food shopping, when we were on rtm it was so frigging easy, now woah it can be a funny thing, but remain strong and positive and im sure everything will be okay

 

[Minerva]

The parents are gone on a two week holiday... my partner and I have the house to ourselves... and somehow, I feel a lot calmer inside, less desperate to go and eat everything in sight... Maybe there's a deeper, more animalistic machanic going on inside?

It's sometimes interesting to try to contextalise our behaviour back to primate instincts, natural survival type of explanations.

Now, I know - that I'm a 'fat storer'. For times of famine, my body, genetically is programmed to 'lay the fat stores down' so that I may survive when the 'tough gets going' and food runs out in the winter months. Now, in modern society, of course this can't happen. So I constantly have to fight this urge to eat high calorie snacks, etcetera. Fine. I know that.

But something else came up. I lived with people (for a short time) who were outside of my "clan" as it were. My "clan" consists of my partner and my cat - we've lived together for a good 3 and a half years now. I have no trouble sharing anything with him - I can easily give him my leftovers, he can have the bigger portion with no problem for me. He's my accepted equal.
But not with his parents. I love them to pieces - consciously I have accepted them long ago... but something inside doesn't LET then be "mine" - something inside is desperate to 'protect my interests', to 'protect my survival' - to store, to horde, to eat all the food before they get to it. It's like something inside was driving me to have the bigger portion to :

1) Assert my dominance - the more food I have and claim at mealtimes - the stronger and more powerful I am over others. (think of animal behaviour)
2) Ensure my survival - by having more - I have more energy, more natural resource to rely on if there's a lack of food sometime.
3) Horde all the food - for myself and my partner - to keep our 'clan's' interests at heart. I mean I'd literally stash stuff away in my room, in my drawers, my bag, away from them. Odd behaviour to be fair.

It's strange no? Suddenly, now that the parents are gone, somehow... I'm a bit calmer... I'm no longer rushed at meal times. I don't have to finish my food according to someone else's schedule. I don't have to have it at a set times that THEY dictate. I can do it when I want. I don't have to worry about feeding them - cooking for them (in other words sharing MY CLAN'S provisions with OUTSIDERS) - which is also a stressful experience.

And to be fair this behaviour can be attributed to social gatherings with nibbles around... Some people are more likely to 'hover' by the food table to 'protect' the food, to have it before anyone else does, to have more of it because they want to ensure their survival. After all - animals do hide and bury their captured 'prey', to have later away from prying eyes and prying mouths of others!

Oki, now to break these habits I've accumulated... which hopefully should be easier now that this weird ... animal desperation is no longer pressing down on me. ... Because I've put on a good 2 stone in the last month and a half, I'm very uncomfortable and my clothes are too tight.

Erm. We'll see how I go. All the snacks in the house are gone, so there's no desperate need to go 'hoover' them up - because I'm not 'searching' anymore. And if I do get emotionally 'peckish' .... well there's nothing around to have!

 

[peony]

Really interesting points Minerva - this may seem a bit obvious and naive, but is there any way on earth you and your partner can live together by yourselves somewhere? There is obviously a lot going on on many levels behaviourally here. The food part is probably the tip of the iceberg.
In any case the important thing (that I don't need to tell you as you have already honed your skills of self awareness) is that you recognise your behaviours, the possible roots, and will therefore be better equipped to plan strategies to deal with them.

Take care hon
xxx

 

[Minerva]

Thanks Peony. Well - my partner and I are in the 'house buying process' right now, so the stay at his parents is the period where we're in 'limbo' as it were... We didn't think we'd end up staying an extra two months - which has made significant damages to all our food patterns, life patterns etc etc and sanity. But hopefully (fingers crossed) it will get easier at the end of this month. We are waiting for the council to get back to us on something... though I hope to god that this won't drag on, or I can't go on like this!!

Though, interestingly... I think my body has found it's sort of 'natural state of being'?
I've reached an uncomfortable 9st 10. Ok -- realistically it isn't much. BMI wise, it's 23.3. But to jump from BMI 18 to 23.3 in the space of a month is very difficult to adjust to. I physically FEEL the fat everywhere, jiggling, and squidging, and the body gurgling, and the tingling feeling of it going into my arse, and arms, and stomach and ... yeah. You get the idea. The sudden-ness of it makes it quite obvious.
However, having reached this (and with the negative thing of my clothes being ... tooooo tight) - I have found my desperate binge craving has ended. It's like my body is now happy and satisfied that it's no longer a 'bag of bones' and has restored some sort of sense of being, and no longer needs to go any bigger, so ... I don't want any more. ... The temptation of course is still there. The emotional hunger is still there... but the inexplicable desperation hunger is gone. I can say 'no' again, fairly easily, rather than just grabbing and stuffing into my face before I even get a chance to think about it.

To be honest, I felt at my best at about 8st 7ish. Looks wise, mentally and physically, I felt great there. Any below and it's a bit rubbish. So, I want to lose about a stone off this and stay there. I don't want to do it with a 'diet' though - otherwise my life will be an endless up and down of diets.... I gained this weight in the life stresses - too much on my brain to deal with all in one go - so over eating was a temporary solution ( a very bad one though ...!!!).

Now it's come to a natural conclusion and I have to get on with life. Opportunity of having some control again is great (parents gone) - and now I can fully take back some sort of direction in my every day life.
Just need to remember to listen to my stomach again. I had forgotten how to do this for a while - but, I'll sit quietly and listen to it. Have to remember how to stop when I'm full... then, the rest will follow.

 

[Minerva]

I always punish myself with food... when I have a binge I over do it. Against my will I push more and more in.

But something did change last week... While I still do want to keep eating to keep my energy up... something's switched. The parents are gone and I am in control of my own routine and it's helped... There's a strange sense of calm within me, no more 'frenzy'.
I did this thing today, I went and bought chocolate, sweets biscuits, snacks... whatever... Over the last month when I did such a thing I was not able to stop eating the items even if they tasted foul ... today... I dunno. I had an "allowed" binge... but i didn't want much of the stuff? Whereas I had a desperation to finish the lot before ... I threw most of it in the bin today. Like... I didn't want to punish myself anymore with it either.
Maybe my body is finally telling me that I'm at my 'ideal' weight now. I guess 9st 3 is about right... It's where I felt best at last year, anywhere in the region between 8st 7 and 9st 3 is good for me.

I've found my way of dealing with food now as well. I know how to eat well. I know what I like and what I don't like. I know that if I have "hungry days" I shouldn't deprive myself of food - but eat sensibly. I measure my calories during the day to keep an eye - but not to restrict it to a particular number. It's important to have some control.

It's a long way. I've come far, but there's still so far to go. Eating right for life is not a momentary change. The weight will fluctuate accordingly through the life process, so I'm not too fussed about my weight gain now. I know I can get it off in the long term because I know how to eat 'right'... well, not "right", but what foods make me feel good and foods I love.

Now that the monster called 'Bingey' seems to be a little bit more under control, the portion sizes need cutting down. I need my stomach to be smaller again... Bigger stomach will equal more hunger. So slowly need to work on self-restraint and patience... I've forgotten how to be patient and wait for dinner time. Instead I graze on vegetables and fruit all day!! Lol. Albeit at the moment I do weigh them. I love raw swede, it's wonderful. Same with sugar-free jelly. If I have a bad moment I have one of those to "fill me up" and I'm ok. But those are temporary measures... Need to keep working at it.

Remember. Never see momentary failure as a failure for life. Tomorrow is another day to try again. I've been mostly down these last 2 months, gained nearly two stone, but I'm still trying. Every moment I'm thinking and making decisions. We only lose the battle when we lie down in defeat.
If I admit surrender I may as well shoot myself. I will conquer this by making sure I understand what I'm dealing with 100%.

Every failure only brings me one step closer to success.

 

[daisydoll]

raw swede - are you mad,lol?!

did you read my thread in maintenance about the dukon diet website which you can calculate your ideal body weight?

i found it quite interesting as it came up much higher than i thought i should be - but strangely at the weight i feel quite comfy at (half a stone more than i personally want to be, a stone more than my BMI wants me to be ... but actually a 'nice' weight for me)

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Warning to those who severely restrict calories, sugar, and carbohydrates over a long period of time. ... This is what happens.

After pretty much 2 years of Lighter Life, LL Lite and severe calorie counting and restrictive diet... In the last two months - through my binges on sugar, carbs and everything else I hadn't had for a very long time... found that when I consumed these items I'd get very hot flushes, my glands in my neck would swell, my muscles especially in neck, chest and torso and in my arms/legs just HURT so much - feels like they're bruised... Coupled together with severe bloating of the stomach and sulphorous gas coming from both ends and loose stools... I thought that I'd developed some sort of wheat intolerance... I couldn't find any information on any of this at all - but seems that long-term calorie/sugar/carb restriction WILL and CAN mess your body up.

Today I found this, and seems like I'm not the only one with these symptoms.

Have a read here: Anorexia/Eating Disorders: Skin soreness when binge eating, rapid change, doctors

Original Question:

Question
Hello,

I think that i am in the beginning stages of an eating disorder. I lost a lot of weight last year by severely restricting my diet, but now i have put all the weight back on again through binge eating. I think i am stressing out so much because i am trying not to put on too much more weight, but this leads to me binge eating and sabotaging myself.
Anyway...something interesting has started happening and i saw another girl ask a similar question though i dont think that the answer given actually answered the question. When i binge eat, (without purging) even if i eat a lot of healthy food like fruits and nuts, i will wake up the next day and my skin will feel sore to touch. Not the actual surface of the skin, but underneath it, like the fleshy part is sore. It feels like i have been poisoned. It is mostly my neck, back and chest but will extend further if i have eaten more. Once or twice i have actually developed a fever/ high temperature. Twice now i have had instances where it feels like my whole digestive system has stopped and i cant go to the toilet, and i have a fever and extremely painful indigestion symptons which are not relieved by indigestion medication. I also burp a LOT and it smells garlicky. This goes away after a day or two, but i have to stop eating for this time.

What is happening? I am particularly interested in why my skin feels sore after binge eating.

One Answer that is quite useful to know:

Suz wrote at 2008-10-01
Hi there,

I posted an answer to the other question similar to yours about skin soreness, but I am not sure if they will publish that answer, or this one for that matter!

As a past compulsive under- and over-eater of 13 years, I have experienced the same thing (and am experiencing it right now because I ate two bowls of cereal after days of eating carb-less). Anyway, I have figured out my body pretty well and have come to this conclusion:

Water retention. The reason I am almost sure of this is for this reason: one pound of carb intake equals 500 calories while one pound of fat equals 3500 calories- so for every 500 calories of carbs you eat extra when you binge, you gain one pound of weight but...

One pound of carb weight/intake is 3 parts water to one part glucose. So when you "crash diet" or binge, you are changing your water ratio in your body very rapidy. And this causes the cells of the body to become sore with the extra water retention which occurred very rapidly after a binge.

So simply, one extra big bowl of cereal or bag of chips or box of doughuts (an increase of maybe 1000 calories) will result in 2 pounds of weight increase, but most of it is water. And that extra water goes straight to our poor little cells all the sudden, and causes soreness.

This, by the way, is also why crash dieters appear to lose pounds rapidly- but the pounds are really mostly water-weight. I guess that's okay to many of us eating-disordered people who just want to weigh what we want to weigh!

Another more scary answer was this... It's worth a read.

sickofbeingsick wrote at 2009-09-06
i have been searching for years for an answer to this.... and along the way i have seen some great doctors who don't have a scientific answer for this but believe me when i say something is wrong. my immunologist, who has been on countless talk shows for immunologic and allergy issues said that since i restricted sugar/ refine carbs (white bread, cakes, flour, etc.) for so long that my body recognizes it as a poison and my immune systems starts going haywire when i eat it - thus my glands swell and my skin feels bruised all over and i feel like i have the flu. my reaction has become very acute over the years. five years ago it only used to happen when i would have a huge binge (after restricting for a few weeks or months) and i would then eat several desserts, chips, fried food, etc. the day before. in fact, i noticed it mostly after thanksgiving and christmas. then i started to really restrict and exercise a lot; losing 10 lbs. i lived this way w/ out sugar and refined carbs for 3-4 years aside from the occasional binge day that left my body feeling like a bruise and even my glands in my neck and underarms swollen. it got to a point in the last year that if i ate over 1100-1200 calories of ANYTHING the day before i would have the soreness so i was eating about 800 calories a day. so it is dangerous. the more you restrict the more you mess everything up. it makes sense that after we "cleanse" ourselves of sugar and refined carbs and then reintroducing it in mass quantities in one sitting by binging that we would get sick. if you look up sugar & poison on google you will see that we absolutely do not need it (it is a poison) and in fact we become exposed to it when we are young and build up a tolerance to it and that is the ONLY reason as humans we tolerate sugar. refined carbs turn into sugar too FYI. so take sugar away as we have and then try to introduce it again and bam. we react. for some reasons our body forgets how to metabolise it. i don't think this is the only answer as my stomach swells too after a binge and i literally gain 10 lbs of water for about 4 days. in the last 2 months i started eating steadily 1200 calories a day and stopped exercising due to a fractures on both heels, which i found out are as a result of osteoporosis. my endochrinologist is making me eat 1200 cals a day which i should be anyway, but wasn't because i would sick. unfortunately i likely got the osteoporosis by restricting food and over- exercising for too long. as a result of this behavior i lost my period, became malnutritioned, got osteoporosis AND this weird skin/ glands reaction. it's sad i did this to myself and i am only 33 years old. i never believed that i would do severe damage to myself with my disordered eating and compulsive exercising. but i was very wrong. so now not only does my skin feel like a bruise and i feel flu like the next day after eating even just pizza, i have severe osteoporosis, can't exercise and i'm gaining weight. i got up to 1200 calories a day by eating 800 cals of food and then eating the other 400 cals in glucerna and atkins bars (low sugar) to help build my body back up to eating this many calories without adding sugar so i wouldn't get the bruising feeling. then i slowly started replacing the bars with real food and now i am eating 1200 cals of real food. i went to a buffet dinner at an incredible restaurant and ate a lot of "bad" food and didn't have my reaction. i think it is possible to get over it. you just have to start slow. on occasion i still get it if i eat "bad" food, but it isn't as bad. plus the binges are less since i allow some "bad" food on occasion. i have gain 15 lbs, which i hate and i can't exercise, but at least the reaction is lessening. in any event, if you can find it in you to stop the disordered eating, suck up some weight gain and increase your caloric intake and slowly reintroduce carbs and sugar back in, you may lessen your reaction. by best to everyone!

Have I done something really rubbish to my body? It makes me worried. I know I definitely feel "better" when I eat less, and when I do not touch sugar or refined carbohydrates (vegetables, rye bread, rice are fine)... It really does seem like my body just doesn't like to digest refined sugar/carbs in any form anymore. Oh well. I don't like them anyway. ...

 

[MiniMimi2091]

What an interesting info - thank you for sharing.

I think like with everything else we do in our lives "balance" is the right word. I know that diets like CD or LL put our bodies under an enormous pressure and often it does take some time to get our bodies back on track.
Maybe, just maybe, you could give yourself a brake and listen to your body...Maybe, this will let you feel free from your binging cravings?

You seem to move all your focus towards analysing your relationship with food and it's a very intensive relationship. Maybe, you should find something else to be obsessed about? I was in a simmilar situation - I couldn't stop thinking about anything else but food and its influence on the way I feel and think. I decided; enough is enoug!
Forced myself on a bike, forced myself to go out with a friends, forced myself to find some dance classes and actualy attend. I train myself to be able to control what I do and that applies to every field of my life.
By actualy being very strict with myself, I managed to become completely different person - I think, plan and organise. I can find myself a time to listen to the music and I discovered different treats our life has to offer ( and these are not food related) I cherish every day as I am happy and feeling stronger.
I am careful with my food but at the same time, I don't give it too much thoughts. Come on it's not worth it!

Your success is absolutely amazing - you shouldn't be affraid of the weight gain. As long as you stay in control - there's nothing which can push you away from your goal. On the other hand, and hope you don't mind me saying that, I think your goal became very unrealistic - and when I used to see you being well below your original goal - I used to think "how is she going to maintain it?" Because for such a drastic results you HAVE to apply drastic measures. Maybe, just maybe, this whole struggle is the way your body is telling you that you are much better off with a weight you are currently on?

Either way, I hope you'll find a perfect way which works for you.
Sending you warmest thoughts xxxx
Lots of love - Chloe x