Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Minerva]

Today is ... Controlled Binge Day - last of the series.

Funny to say this. Yes. It is an allowed binge day. The last official one. If I allow it to happen in a controlled manner - the damage is not going to be so bad. I go into it with a clean conscience with the aim of exploration of my own feelings to each food.
I took the opportunity today to browse shops for things I "craved" to taste, to have, to have a go at eating again (after 2+ years of not having)... to see if I remember them being the same. To see if I still actually LIKE them and to see if the craving is warranted.

I wanted to see what I actually ENJOY having and to break craving for something that I REMEMBER WRONGLY. Plus after Lighter Life, my tastes have actually CHANGED also - which is another factor that I need to consider.

These controlled binge days are dedicated to mostly saying 'goodbyes' to foods which I USED to like, USED to depend on. To desperse the myth that they are "nice" - I needed to revisit each one seperately (chocolate, sweet bakery, savoury bakery, salty, etc.) and put an end to yearning old memories.

I've already had my chocolate binge day; and bread day. I have also had my nut/savoury snacks day (had cravings for peanuts for AGES for some reason?)... Now I am satisfied, and I no longer want stodgy nasty savoury snacks - they made my tummy space feel awful! And peanuts - I have discovered are fine. A handful of them and I'm happy, so they are not problematic. Nuts are a nice snack in general, healthy, and I'm unlikely to binge on them at all. They have a natural stopping point. After my chocolate binge day (which you'd be disgusted to know how much chocolate I managed to put away!) - I no longer want any more. It just doesn't appeal to me AT ALL...! Same with bread - while I know I have a problem with freshly baked white bread - as long as I don't start touching it; it's fine. I can leave it alone.

So, today I bought a whole bunch of things; mostly sweet things: I'd been craving sh**ty things like doghnuts, and cream slices (you know the ones in the fresh cake section?), and blueberry oat cookies, and stuff like that. Today was dedicated to saying GOODBYE to cookies, cakes and other baked sweet goods.

Thing is - today, while yes, theoretically wasn't a good day food wise (way too much "bad" food!) - but I was RE-LEARNING something VITAL. It was, the ability to STOP when I wasn't enjoying it.

For example. I was craving doughnuts. So I bought a pack of 6 custard doughnuts from Asda (70p??!?), had a mouthful of ONE doughnut. Instantly I knew I didn't like it. The craving was absolutely unfounded, I remember it being different. The image does not support the doughnut's blandness and fatiness. I threw the rest of the doughnuts away along with the rest of the 1 that I had started. problem solved. I now KNOW 100% that doughnuts are disgusting, and I will never want another one again - because they don't taste good at all. - That way I am not depriving myself by avoiding them forever because they're "bad". Nothing is truly bad. I just now know that I don't like them - so there's no point in "avoiding" them anymore.

Same thing happened to the 'cream slice'. The cream is disgusting; and the icing on top - while is nice; it's nothing special. I had one, threw the other one away. I now know that my craving for 'cream cakes' is absolutely unfounded too. They're bland and boring.

Same with cookies - I'd been walking around M&S Blueberry and Oat cookies for months! I had one and I was ... very disappointed. Same with this flapjack I'm trying now... I used to LOVE oat flapjacks... but this is too sweet and sticky. I don't want the rest - in the bin it goes. I'm better making my own with a little bit of honey (not too much!) and lots of nuts and seeds and natural goodness. Mmm.


I was trying to exlore the things that I DO LIKE also - and in the end I found that I like banana chips (http://www.ethicalsuperstore.com/products/tropical-wholefoods/chewy-banana-chips-200g ) Absolutely delicious! No added sugar in them as well (which is rare with banana chips!)

After quite a lot of exploration of chocolate, sweets, cakes, cookies, bread, savoury snacks.... I find that I don't like a lot of them. I genuinely don't. I get PRESSURED into THINKING that I want them by society and media and how they are presented to me.

What I genuinely enjoy are dry fruit, frozen fruit (I had some frozen grapes yesterday - Oh My God - BETTER THAN ICE CREAM!), and on certain occasions I do have a weakness for chocolate (who doesn't though?)... But it's the cocoa I crave - so perhaps diabetic chocolate (I'm not too sure I can honestly handle refined sugar stuffs) or Green & Blacks 70% for the cocoa hit will be what I go for.

I also now know that I find it hard to control myself if I start eating bread in the day. Not black rye, but anything that is 'white'. I'm alright with wholegrain too, but in small quantities. It's a balance I need to work on.

I am also very much a savoury person - so I need to stay away from overly salty things because I LooooOOooooVe salt. I'm of the Northern European stock of people - and we are used to a lot of it in our diets. While crisps aren't a major problem - anything that's salty, be it meat, cheese whatever... Hmm. At least I know I don't like pastry goods - sausage rolls and cornish pasties do nothing for me. They're quite manky actually - they drip with fat!

There were of course things I DO have a problem with. Namely crackers, oat cakes (the savoury kind), water biscuits, cheese straws... I don't know what it is about them. They are savoury; maybe because they MAKE me thirsty - so I mistake the thirst for hunger? I don't know. Maybe it's the plain flouriness I love. ... As a child I used to like having a spoon of plain flour when my gran was cooking. ... Call me weird? I dunno.

Hmmm.. What other lessons did I learn today? Ah yes. Don't deprive myself. Never deprive or I will end up in the BAD KIND OF BINGE BUCKET. If I want something - get it, try it, evaluate it, and bin it if I don't like it. That way - no more craving, no more desire, no more deprivation.

Oh yes, and stick a bucket of apples in front of the kitchen door. That helps too. ... Oh yes. And stock up on gum. If I'm chewing something minty and fresh - I'm unlikely to want to chew anything else or even begin thinking about what something else tastes like (i.e. get a craving).


Apart from all this food talk - I have gained about 11lbs in the last 2 weeks. Ok - sounds BAD and YES it is. Some of it has been water weight, and some genuine fat (I can't see protruding ribs anymore!) - ok. But I am not freaking out - because it's what I wanted. I just need to KEEP it here now. ... I was actually able to go into a shop, and buy size 8 jeans without them hanging off me. It was a lovely feeling to have a size 8 FIT me like it SHOULD. Having said that - the jeans I bought today will also serve as my 'control' jeans. If I can't fit in them anymore - that should ring alarm bells to cut down and back. Or the other way around - though hopefully I won't be losing any more weight. I actually feel more sexy again with some curves back rather than a bony mess.



Hope this helps someone out there. xx Have a good week! Wish me luck on my 'back to normal' routine tomorrow.

 

[daisydoll]

wow min
you have been busy!!!
im exhausted reading it.

i wish i had the time to think things through like you do - i never seem able to get the stream of conciousness going without interruptions from kids, pets, husband etc etc

reading your posts really help me get my head round stuff

the disappointment after trying something is spot on. i was in oxford this weekend with some girl friends. had a lovely meal last night, decided on a mini pudding - lemon cheesecake. big disappointment, yukking claggy cream and dry biscuit base. i didn't eat it all - unthinkable before

had a coffee cake today, dry and not very tasty - would have scoffed all anyway...but realised what was the point when it was actually not nice.

the chocolate unfortunately still does tast nice. tho i had a tiny taste of fudge in a homemade shop- eeeekkkk - put my teeth on edge it was sooooo sweet.

anyway, well done you - the size 8 is a good place to be. i found it difficult to get size 6 clothes in a lot of shops last summer so would rather be an 8 for practical reasons ( tho its a 10 at the moment!)

keep doing what you are doing hun, you are getting there!

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

An interesting post: Obesity: The killer combination of salt, fat and sugar | David A Kessler | Life and style | The Guardian

One part of which struck a chord (though the rest of the article was great too!) ... The part I found intreresting was the way the food industry has made a lot of food ... liquidised. You don't need to chew a lot of it - and the less you chew, the more you eat - though it takes a lot more to get you satisfied. ... I have definitely found this - that the more rushed I feel, the less I chew, the more likely I am to go and seek more food. I get satisfaction from chewing a bunch of nuts and fruit than from processed snacks... those just go down and more get shovelled in before I know it... can't do the same thing with apples.

food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite that it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us, "I'm full." The food designer offered coleslaw as an example. When its ingredients are chopped roughly, it requires time and energy to chew. But when cabbage and carrots are softened in a high-fat dressing, coleslaw ceases to be "something with a lot of innate ability to satisfy".This isn't to say that the food industry wants us to stop chewing altogether. It knows we want to eat a doughnut, not drink it. "The key is to create foods with just enough chew – but not too much. When you're eating these things, you've had 500, 600, 800, 900 calories before you know it." Foods that slip down don't leave us with a sense of being well fed. In making food disappear so swiftly, fat and sugar only leave us wanting more.

Hmm... Interesting points of reference to think about in the whole piece of writing. Need to keep working on the issues raised and pointers given.

 

[Minerva]

So far, so good today... I just hope I don’t end up in the Muesli tin later. ... Muesli – again, is one of those things that I just go absolutely crazy for. Dry muesli by the spoonful. I need to break the habitual behaviour of having it every day; in a week or so it will be much easier – just need to get through a few days of not having it as part of the ‘routine’ (which ends up when everyone’s gone to sleep...) ... So I’ll go to sleep early too.

The urge to sabotage myself is immense right now. It’s not so much that I want to ruin what I’ve achieved. Not at all. But the momentary pleasure of RIGHT NOW of course is the primary need in the scope of my attention. There is also the presumption that normal rules do not apply to me. I’ve kept it all off for this long, so what will make it go back on if I have an extra mouthful now? It hasn’t done anything before... Wrong. Because we tend not to remember the difficulties of the past – if I really think about it, I KNOW that everyday so far has been a struggle. I fought with myself on a daily basis not to overindulge because I don’t want to give up on myself.
Though, after all the overindulgence of last few weeks: there’s a very silly thing that has crept up on me. Rewarding myself for having a healthy lunch. Now – what is this all about you ask? ... Many of us seem to count and restrict our main mealtimes. I take a look at my (maybe one day to be) mother-in-law. She has small portions, she counts the calories in her meals. Yet, I know she snacks, grazes, and sometimes on bad days finishes the tub of ice cream in the freezer (when no-one’s around). She forgets to count these items. It’s as if they are a reward/excuse for being ‘healthy’ at ‘dinnertime’. ... I found myself looking for something that “didn’t count anymore” as well after my lunch (consisting of a lovely mushroom soup). I searched for a cookie... then stopped and realised: suddenly the calories within it seemed irrelevant because it was OUTSIDE of the mealtime ... Strange, but true. Have a think – maybe this daft behaviour applies to you too!
(Needless to say, I did NOT have a cookie, I had a few frozen grapes instead –which I counted in towards my snack allowance... Plus I knew that ONE cookie would lead to another, and then another... then I’d be in the bread bin. ... The grapes were very refreshing and I am no longer wanting anything else.) ... Though – I must admit, the WANT of a cookie is greater when put next to frozen grapes. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, we can’t always get what we want. Slap that “want-want brat” inside down. Shooooo!!!!!

 

[daisydoll]

completely true - i reward myself for having small healthy meals all the time.
if i only ate my meals there wouldn't be a problem, its the nuts, fruit, yoghurts, spelt crackers, wasabi bean mix (all 'healthy') snacks I have which are my problem
i can eat double the calories of my meal in snacks - and cos they are all healthy they don't count do they!

hmmmmm.....

 

[Minerva]

Thank god for chewing gum. That’s all I can say...!!!



Ok, so I got quite flustered, irritated, agitated, disappointed, annoyed and angry today. A series of events, delays with house purchase, my boyfriend having a go at me for no apparent reason, rushing me while I was having lunch (after having delayed it too – made me wait for him!); so all in all – got quite flustered while I was AROUND food – which makes it intrinsically worse, because then I start rushing it, not enjoying it and eating WAY more than I should.

While I did plan my lunch out quite well; a very small bag of vegetable crisps creeped in, and a cookie. The cookie I did account for ‘just in case’ – but then as I ran away from the kitchen after lunch (after grabbing a chunk of raw turnip from the fridge and scoffing it down), in my anger I also bit into the brownie I have in my bag (just two bites of it – there’s still half left in the bag; which isn’t bothering me). I WANTED the brownie in my anger. After a bite I was satisfied, but I knew that if I didn’t chew SOMETHING I’d finish it, and then I KNEW I’d move on to something else... so I stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. Still angry, I chewed and chewed at the gum – my BRAIN screaming for FOOD for SATISFACTION from the textures; flavours etc – even though in the end – when we’re in such a state we don’t even taste the damn stuff. We just eat for the chemical reactions; the endorphins of pleasure we get from the sugar and salt and fat and everything.

The gum is a secondary tactic. Before I know it – stick it in my mouth. While I still WANT other things – it gives me time to assess my feelings, gives me time to reflect why I want the item and time to reassess my situation. ... It is important. Then I have time to remind myself that I am not immune to weight gain. That I need to be careful – and I also remember that food isn’t the answer. In anything – hopefully I’ll re-educate myself to WANT to chew gum in times of distress, emotional turmoil and anger. It can be done – because I used to run to food AND smoking cigarettes when I felt that way. I quit smoking 1st February 2009 (over a year ago now) – and first half a year it was difficult. But after a whole year of not turning to smoking for emotional comfort I no longer need/crave/want it. Maybe a year of chewing gum when I’m feeling sh*tty and I will be successful at re-educating my *wants* in relation to food too. ...

It will be an interesting experiment. Just need to remember to throw a piece of gum in my mouth – which of course, at this point in time will go against every fibre of my being when my brain is screaming for food... But if I was able to do it with smoking – I will be able to do it with this. Persistence. Patience. Time.

In other news – managed to somehow NOT to go downstairs and eat ‘after-hours’ last night. ‘Oh woe is me’ you say. ‘Easy Peasy’ you say. ... yes and no. Breaking a habit (and a fairly new one) is hard. There is so much pleasure from stuffing myself with muesli, ryvetas, ‘table-water’ biscuits... it’s such a rush. It’s so addictive! I get that warm, satisfied feeling... I get so HAPPY. And food hasn’t given me this sort of ‘happiness’ (i.e. a rush of endorphins from sugar – carbs – trigger food) for a very, very long time. It’s dangerous... I know I have to stay away from processed sugar, and processed wheat... But I suppose I really do need to give this endorphin rush up – it’s something that will give me problems in the long run. It’s hard to control because it’s like a ... for the lack of a better way to describe it – food orgasm. Once you start – you keep chasing it... When you’re feeling low you know the thing that will cheer you up chemically... Need to ‘wean’ myself off sugar and the white carbs. Not cut everything out all together of course – I’m replacing sugary snacks with lots of fruit and the ‘carb’ hole with wholegrains and rye which do not send me into a spiral of no control.



Oki doke. I know what I’ve got to do. Slowly and surely I will get there. I know I will. ... Now breathe... I feel better for writing here. Hmm.

 

[Minerva]

Today has been an absolute disaster... I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself... scratch that.. I know why. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped feeling like I have any sort of control over my life - in life, education, love, determination ... I am not living on my own terms anymore it feels like, fluttering from one room to another, not belonging anywhere at all. Nothing is truly MINE. With no PLACE to call my own, no corner to feel I belong in, no motivation to keep going academically (and finding it excruciatingly hard to get back into this semester) ... I have fallen out with myself. I feel because I have no control in my life, I feel I have failed in everything. I don't feel like I am IMPORTANT enough to FIGHT FOR. So I sabotage my successes, I have no control over what I eat because it provides that guilty pleasure, that comfort, that ADMITTAL OF FAILURE (even though it only makes the situation WORSE).

The longer this house buying thing drags on (so many complications), and the longer I stay in a situation where I am not my own person, not my own time-keeper and controller (or it feels like it), the worse the situation will become. Every time I pick myself up, I fall back down because I have lost any sort of belief in myself. As last ditch attempts to keep myself where I am I have bought myself some clothes (after not buying for such a long time!!)... I feel quite sexy in these new items (for the first time in a looooooong time I feel sexy?)... But that further urges to sabotage. I don't DESERVE to feel good about myself.

I know I have been through some 'binge' periods before though, when I went on holiday last year, I came back in a bad state, eating everything in sight. Somehow I managed to get back on track. I reckon I can do it this time too - but it WILL be hard, there's no denying it. I need to break through the carb withdrawal (which is very, very painful). Once I'm through the sugar/carb detox stage - saying no and remaining calm in situations DOES become easier. I know it. Sugar HAS that effect and I noted it last time too. I'll miss my cheerful disposition, and I'll miss the body actually generating it's own warmth for a change. But - I can't go on like this. All the snacks are now gone ... so like last time, the only way to get back into it is to eliminate the temptation. When the withdrawal period is over (give it a month or two) some snacks can be reintroduced again in a calm and dictated manner. ...
I know I can do this. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the pain. I am worth it.

I wish I could believe in myself a little bit more to be honest, and lately I just don't.

 

[Minerva]

Is this actually possible? I seem to have developed a form of gluten intolerance after not having processed white carbs for so long. ... Been having real problems every time I have 'more than usual' wheat based food per day (which is usually only about 2 TBS cous cous)...
These binges have led to some very uncomfortable bloating, 'eggy gas' - from both ends, and non-stop running to the loo! ... After about two days of not consuming these items, the symptoms disappear, and everything is ok again...

Not that I mind - it's ok. Gives me an excuse not to consume my trigger foods again - unless I want to make myself ill of course. Plus, I recently discovered that gluten-free cookies are very tasty - much lighter in texture and taste. I prefer them to the 'real' stuff... Of course - for now, no cookies for me!

Need to break the sugar-craving / dependency which drives me into insane over-eating patterns. I read back my own entries back from July 2009 - when I went to Riga on holiday. I came back with exactly the same conclusion - too much processed sugar leads me to have binges and uncontrollable urge to have food and inability to stop eating. This does explain a lot... so, I know what I need to do, now I just need to stick to it!

As a mental aid - I have moved all the bracelets from my left arm to my right arm, and with every binge-free day I get to move one bracelet from my right back to my left. Visually, the lack of bracelets reminds me to stay 'straight and narrow'. I also want them back there - so it keeps me motivated, even if it's just a silly thing.

Ok... one day at a time. Eh?

 

[MiniMimi2091]

Hi hun, I found simmilar thing about my eating patterns. As long as I stay away from sugar and "bad carbs" I'm OK, staying completely oblivous to any food cravings. But as soon as this balance is disrupted it takes me a while to get into "zone"...
That's the main reason I'm not allowing myself too much processed food and when I do, I'm trying to make sufficient allowances day prior and after. It's a work in progress but I feel like I see a light in a tunnell...
I like an idea with a bracelets...I'm sure you'll find your way...
Good luck hun xxx

 

[Minerva]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who's found this 'sugar' thing to be more than a little problematic! Disruption of the balance is quite obvious when it happens - and usually it's fine to have a slice of cake; but it's the subsequent cake on the second day running which does that chemical damage. ... I need to really rememeber this! I guess episodes like this remind us of the lessons and mistakes. Reminders are important not to become complacent.

I always cook from scratch and have eliminated many 'ready-meal' options - I don't even buy those jars of 'ready made sauces'. ... The furthest I usually go is buying curry paste... and out of pure laziness I do buy canned soup. I really should make my own, but I don't have all that much time in the day; and I don't want to be having the same soup day in day out if I make a batch... :/


Well there you go... I'm sitting in the kitchen, making a sausage casserole for the family tonight. I find that if I'm AROUND the place/item I'm 'avoiding', I'm more calm about it. Like - when I gave up smoking, I purposefully kept a half pack of smokes by the balcony door. It made me calm to know that they are there "in case", and I didn't NEED them because I wasn't depriving. I just CHOSE not to touch them... Same with the kitchen. I am less hungry here than if I'm upstairs and actively avoiding this environment.

 

[Laura Croft]

I've been lurking here for a few days Min trying to think of something intelligent to say. I couldn't think of anything

I choose not to eat a lot of sugary stuff now and it's just because I don't want it. I really care for how it makes me feel, when I read the ingredients I think 'ugh' and like that article, I know it's just not wholesome enough. I bake muffins and cakes and freeze them precut so if I want to eat something sweet, I have that as an option. And weirdly (or not) I enjoy my cakes more but don't crave them like I craved the junky stuff.

 

[Minerva]

Very much agreed Laura. I enjoy my own things much more... And even when I went 'crazy' over the bought sugary stuff - when I was eating it, I WASN'T ACTUALLY enjoying it. It was weird. I was gaining nothing... the only satisfaction, any real pleasure I received was when I was eating fruit.
It's all quite confusing... I can't wait for my body to come off the sugar-craving-chemical imbalance, because then my choices will become much easier again, and these binge urges will be more manageable. Right now my brain is going into overdrive trying to justify why I SHOULD go buy a whole lot of junk and eat it all in one go. ... stupid brain.

 

[Laura Croft]

Oh I know those thoughts. I think learning to let the thoughts just be is one of the things that brought me the most peace and most success this time around. I wasn't trying to deny that I was thinking I wanted the thoughts, I was accepting they were just thoughts and they were completely harmless if I just recognised them as every day thoughts and nothing to get het up about. I spent years trying to tell myself I wasn't thinking something, when I knew darn well I was and it got me nowhere, well only to the nearest supermarket when I gave in to the internal conflict.

 

[Minerva]

Day 3... So far so good.

It’s funny how the absence of bracelets on one arm keeps me motivated? Every day without over-indulgence, bingeing, going ‘outside’ of necessity, I move a bracelet back. I have two that have moved now (yay!), every time I get an urge for unwarranted food (i.e. outside of the ‘hungry’ bracket, or when it’s an urge to binge or something?) – I look at my arm and I remind myself of what I ACTUALLY WANT. It is so easy to forget the long-term maintenance need when present-moment temptation is shoved in my face. Of course it’s hard to think long-term, I’m not denying it.

The other day, this revocation of bracelets, and a long hard think about why I was doing this to myself on a cycle made something INSIDE switch. A binge is actually a PUNISHMENT. We delude ourselves thinking that we have no control in those situations, that we are chasing pleasure of food, comfort... when in actual fact, if I really think about it – a truly bad binge is a punishment for my failures, punishment for disappointment, and I cause myself intentional pain by making myself feel bloated, ill, guilty. I push myself to overeat to such an extent that when I look at food I just want to throw up – yet the punishment continues by pushing more in ... Sounds bad right? But, the other day I came to the end of it, I designated a ‘stop’ – my last stop was McDonald’s chips (as the ULTIMATE ‘symbolic’ bad!), I had eaten all the snacks in the house which were ‘mine’ (i.e. in my head they were “unfinished business” which needed to be dealt with) – and the next day, something changed. Whereas previously a ‘binge-day’ was for some reason an option I could have – there was temptation to have a ‘junk day’. ... For some reason – it’s not optional anymore, it’s not part of my agenda on a SUBCONSCIOUS level. I no longer want it on any level. ... Seems this binge period is over – not in a way that I am avoiding it... or depriving myself/cutting myself off ‘cold-turkey’.... nah... I just don’t want to anymore? I’m not tempted by it at all? ... It’s as if some switch was flipped inside and the light’s been turned on. I can’t really explain it. Some rationalisation, some thought, something on a subconscious level changed. The absence of “unfinished business” (i.e. snacks), the acknowledgement of self (i.e. don’t want to gain any more weight beyond this now, normal level), and the realisation of what I truly want (i.e. to maintain and to change habits FOR GOOD) made me calmer inside. I have also now satisfied my long-term ‘deprivations’ i.e. – exploration and denunciation of the for example: ‘cream cake’ wants etc. – I have reassured myself that the things I’d been craving for a long time, no longer taste good, are no longer something I actually enjoy. So the sense of unwarranted wanting is also gone.

My mother in law came home with a freshly baked family size ‘tiger-loaf’ from Tesco’s today ... my ultimate weakness. But I know that if I touch it – the rest of the day is “ruined”. I know that one bite doesn’t ruin the ‘calories’ for the day. I know that nothing is ‘ruined’ on that level – but subconsciously a floodgate opens that says “oh well – fudge it, let’s have some more”. A starchy thing early in the day ruins the rest of the day somehow for me – and a binge cycle starts for no real reason.
Needless to say, knowing this, knowing that white starchy foods (while sinfully DELICIOUS) are a MAJOR trigger, I didn’t touch it. I wanted to have some, but I chose not to. I did not want it to begin a binge day – and god knows, no matter how much we say “oh one slice won’t hurt” – it bloody does. It DOES. We get a ‘taste for it’, we get tempted, and then the spiral starts. Yeah? So it’s better not to even go near it for a while – no point in deluding myself. Until I have some self-control back and have weaned myself off the ‘sugar-high’, I cannot allow myself to have any of these things – like muesli, bready things (I even have to be careful with Ryvita), rice and potato. I know I have self-control and am able to stop when I’m in my ‘normal’ chemical stage, but for now, until I get that balance back it’s best not to touch them, and CHOOSE not to touch them (not to feel ‘deprived’ etc etc ...) ... it’s such a fine balance between mental and physical happiness – I feel I’m either chasing one, or the other half the time.

I’m not denying that it’s hard. I do have to battle the ‘after-meal-time’ munchies all the time (the ones that can very easily LEAD into a binge). I am never satisfied after a meal, no matter how much I eat – so I need to know how to control that. I do know, but a lot of the time it’s hard to convince the self that a piece of gum (or a big cup of coffee) is a better choice than more food! Still; I need to keep working at it – the ‘want’ (and faux hunger) for extra food is unlikely to stop even if I DO have some more food. A piece of gum stops it dead in its tracks and I feel ‘full’ inside after about 5 minutes of chewing, and am no longer ‘hungry’. I can actually have a ‘look’ inside, feel my stomach and KNOW that I’m not hungry. It’s harder to see this when the WANT is there.
...And the clock-watching never stops until the next time I’m “allowed” to eat... *sigh* Still, a rough calorie counting is keeping me in check – I’m not meticulously weighing out every portion, but keeping an eye on it.

... the third day, and fourth days are always the hardest – so I need to be strong this weekend... But I promised to go out this evening – I need to remember to keep an eye on myself, and not go near the KFC after I’ve had a few. It can be easily done, I just need to KNOW it now. And I do. I have made the decision not to go near it – that has now eliminated the possibility later, no matter how drunk I am. KFC is bad. Yes. Eeeeeeeeeew. Yep, I definitely don’t want any of that – there’s plenty of lovely stuff here at home, like frozen grapes and salad (which is the best cure for hungover!). As far as the alcohol ‘calories’ go – I am compensating for it already in relatively small meals during the whole day today. So, I’m ok. Decisions are made, boundaries set up. I know what I want.

Hopefully I’ll continue in good form later. ... I really need to stop doubting myself – otherwise the uncertainties start to creep in and temptations...

I need to practice saying 'No, thank you' more. Even if I actually do *want* something - I think with enough saying 'No' like I used to - I'll actually convince even myself that I don't want/like certain things (which is actually true more often than not). It's worked for pasta and potatoes so far (things I used to LOVE... I used to LIVE on pasta; I hate the stuff now)... So.. "No. No, thank you, I don't like it." ... One day, it will actually become true.

 

[Minerva]

Ok, so maybe I had a few too many almonds and peanuts for now ... ... I've been craving nuts for a long time though, and after munching through.. (ok a bit tooooo many nuts), I'm really satisfied, and feel good.
Not chemically 'happy' (i.e. carb/sugar high). But generally... WELL. The nuts had a natural stopping point (unlike sugar and bread etc. - which I feel the need to keep stuffing down). I don't feel hungry at all anymore... But not stuffed either, not 'full'. Maybe my body has been craving fats and nutrients for a very long time and instead turning to really bad things (pastry, crisps, deep fried goods) to fulfil that NEED with a quick and easy solution.
I guess after a breakdown of most structures which I had in place, I have become more implusive and less easily able to satisfy myself. So, my way of tackling it right now is not to go ‘cold turkey’ or deprive myself. But to re-program. When I want sugary or fatty food – I’ll have something else instead which addresses the ‘need’ (i.e. fruit, nuts, yoghurt, etc etc) with the nutritional value in place. So I wanted crisps and cheese earlier... So I had nuts instead. Crisps and cheese would have made me keep eating them until there were none left... ... the nuts? I still have half a bag left.
So, re-program. Ok, nuts are equally as bad calorie wise. It still is CALORIES-IN; CALORIES-OUT equation, there is no denying this. But for now I’ll address the more immediate need of breaking the binge behaviour, and cleansing the body of the imbalance. The weight-loss I’ll tackle later by cutting down on the calorie dense food when my body stops calling for it all IN EXCESSIVE LEVELS. Portion control will come when the crazy-psycho-chemical needs are lessened to a manageable level.

I guess we have to be rational and calm about it all. Weight is a long-term thing, it comes and it goes, I am not too concerned with it. I know I can lose it just fine if I need to. I need to work on my behaviour around food or the ‘weight-issue’ will NEVER be solved. It’s not about how much ‘fat’ we have on our bodies. It’s about being healthy inside our heads. When we tackle the head-demon, the weight-demon is no longer an issue. ... At least, that’s the theory.

 

[Jezebella]

Love that last thought of yours Min... it is all in our heads in a way Will take time to read all your posts properly tomorrow night and comment properly Hope things come together for your new place soon, I suspect that will really hlep you feel more in control.

Jez
xx

 

[Minerva]

Hey Jezzy, lovely to see you!! Been missing you to be honest, and your journal posts...


As far as my own progress goes with this binge behaviour... It's been getting better. Slowly I'm definitely getting to the end of this episode by working my way through it in a systematic manner.
Today is one of those days unfortunately, but I have now seemingly taken myself off the sugar and wheat cravings. I have self-control over those items and don't feel a NEED for them. I also know that when I 'over-do' something I won't want to touch it for a very very long time.
Today I have been enjoying, and I do actually mean ENJOYING!! Raw vegetables, salad and fruit. I do love these items. I have set boundaries back up that do not allow me anything else - if it isn't raw veggie/fruit then it's not on the menu.
I have worked my way backwards setting these controls back up - had the sugar binge and sectioned that part off for 'no more'. Same with bread and starch. Then moved into meat and cheese. Working my way backwards, had the nuts and dry fruit day too. Gauging my reaction to all. Now the fruits and vegetables, slowly cleansing my body and weaning myself off the chemicals I had built up from the beginning of the period. It's been working, I no longer want sugar or wheat, because I re-programmed and replaced.

Now I need to start on scaling back the portions, back to a workable level which leaves me satisfied and nutritionally complete.

Hmmm... Guess this evaluation period has been helpful to reset my priorities and to REMIND MYSELF of the lessons that LL has taught me. Reminders are important for reaffirmation of new habits to make sure they are here to stay for a lifetime. I know what I want now, better than I did before. We all learn by trial and error, and I don't deny that this sort of thing may happen again sometime in a few months, or a year. ... but as with smoking - I didn't quit COLD TURKEY. I had one on a rare occasion - but those occasions happened less and less frequently... Now I don't want them even when I'm drunk (and that's saying something!!!).

So... Just keep working and fighting. It's a long-term battle of analysis and reaffirming of the true desires and needs.

 

[MiniMimi2091]

Hi Min,

I'm glad you are getting back in controling your cravings. It's in fact more difficult than losing all this weigh and hat off for you for tackling it hands on.
I found that as long as I can maintain the balance I will stay in control. So yes, I will go for a big meal or have something naughty but this means that next few days I will have to compensate it by going "cold turkey" again.
I am using "your" method of allowing myself to have controlled binge and I've managed to shift this destructive guilt feeling towards freedom of choice and full understanding of cycle.

I know that next day my body will still be craving for food, what's more, the more carbs and sugars - the more cravings I'd have to fight off to get back to balance. But at the same time if I have a power to make this decision it means that I am perfectly capable to brake this cycle time and time again. It's like dipping in and out of water. I kinda enjoy it in a strange way. The knowledge is power and it does allow me to make a full advantage of what's available.

Good luck hun - you are doing really well xxx

 

[Minerva]

The binge days seem to be on a 3-day cycle for some reason, 4th day seems to be a day where I can't get enough - no matter how much I eat - it's never enough to fill the void... I really need to find the cause of it. I need to find the void that I seem to be needing to fill.
I am ignoring a lot of depression at the moment, my grandfather is extremely ill, and only about a year and a few months after losing my grandmother - which I never really dealt with, this is another one of those events that is extremely difficult... though this time it's on top of very urgent deadlines of coursework ... which I can't truthfully contentrate on because there is the whole 'house buying' stuff ON TOP of this with many complications, demands and legalities which I have no idea about.... So, House Buying/Living in someone else's house + IMMEDIATE coursework stress/deadlines + possible loss of a grandparent all in one go + depression issues/Overeating ... where am I even supposed to begin? At least I know the core issues, it's just determining what and where needs attending to first... though they all press at the same time.

The binges now ... and in fact my eating... is erratic. I only seem to be eating raw fruit and vegetables and very little else. Some low fat yoghurt here and there,one-two tablespoons of protein or small can of soup... small portion of 'cooked veg'... lots of coffee... not touching any starchy carbs at all... or sugar...
Yesterday I had a fruit/vegetable binge - nowhere near as calorific as my other binges which comprised of junk/sugar/bread etc/nuts dry fruit ... but still over the daily limit by a substantial margin. And that does mean ALOT of fruit and veg... I have no craving for junky foods anymore... and am happy munching on raw food, however, it makes me feel bad when I have too much... but some days, it FEELS like the world will end if I stop eating. I'm not exhaggurating. It literally does feel like everything will end if I stop. ... and if I try to stop I fidget and keep thinking about food and can't stop thinking about it because there's some gap I need to fill inside...

 

[slendablenda]

Sorry to hear that your grandfather is so ill Min. You have a lot going on atthe moment. xx