Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Minerva]

Hey Daisy ...

Thanks for stopping by in this thread of gloom!
To be perfectly honest - I'm still somewhat losing because I'm on the other side of the spectrum from where you've described yourself to be. I'm not letting myself eat? I'm scared to start eating because of the fear that I won't be able to stop. Yes I'm in control, but in truth I am not. I get neurotic if I count my daily calorie intake to be over 800, I cut corners on purpose bulking up my meals with the least calorie dense foods, pretending to eat much more than I actually am. Then again even when I eat so little I still feel like I'm eating too much. And even though I know I'm quite thin I can't see it at all. I was walking on the road today and passed a slim lady and I caught myself feeling huge, wishing I was thinner than her even though *realistically* she was about a size bigger than me.
Then again on days where I've 'allowed' myself not to count (on special occasions) - I have completely over done it and not been able to stop.

So where is the middle ground? It's a narrow strip of tranquility within chaos, destruction and war. Imagine a field of screaming, blood, self-destruction; but there's a glass bell jar which drowns out the noise, with fauna and a calm breeze. How the hell do I find it? I stumble blind across the mud, breaking my bones. ... and my bones do hurt. I am scared of letting my boyfriend touch me sometimes because something inside panics and screams that it will hurt.

I guess we build our own hell. Hell within mountains of rotten food, or hell within self destruction and desolation. ... but maybe there will be beauty among it all someday. If I can build a hell within this prison, I'm sure I can build my own heaven too.

 

[Porgeous]

Couldn't walk away after reading your thread, awful to hear you sounding so low.

I too am a control freak and one tactic is to play to your strengths. Continue to count the calories but for one week commit to 900 instead of 800 - I know this will be difficult but you have to try and break out of the prison. By just increasing it by 100 calories this may make it more achieveable.

Sending hugs

xxxx

 

[Minerva]

Continue to count the calories but for one week commit to 900 instead of 800 - I know this will be difficult but you have to try and break out of the prison. By just increasing it by 100 calories this may make it more achieveable.

Thank you for your suggestion!

I actually did try doing that numerous times, upping it to 900, to 1000 even 1100... But everytime it crept back down again, it's that competitive streak coupled together with the control freak? The competitive streak keeps pushing and saying How low can you go before you disappear? Then the control freak takes over and draws a line under every feat of strength the first one made. The lower the target, the lower the line. ... the lower the line the more ill I feel.

Strange, I didn't anticipate helplessness of the other side. A year and a half ago I wasn't able to stop myself from over-eating. Now I can't stop the exact opposite from happening. But both feelings are the same I suppose. It's that lack of control over one's own actions. I know the mechanics, and I know that I am the only one who can possibly orchestrate what I do and how I behave. But at the same time it's almost as if something stronger, an invisible force does indeed make us do things. The want, the desire, the excitement, the promise of something better.


I feel like a failure with this whole 'dieting' thing. I know it wasn't supposed to be easy; this 'maintenance' thing. Maybe I was anticipating a mountain of a challenge and still view it as such. And the stupid thing is, technically I know exactly how to do this right, my rational mind is very much awake, but it's currently pinned down by the irrational mind which is the size of an elephant!

 

[KD]

Ack Min. This is not good is it. What do you want? Do you want to be a normal slim weight and eating properly? Or do you want to do what you are doing now?

I'm concerned for you Min.

I know about irrational thoughts, but you recognise them; you know they are irrational. Can you possible just give yourself a rule that you must eat normally whether you want to or not?

To act as if you are maintaining your weight? No questioning, just be the person you want to be and living that life? Yeah, I know those thoughts will keep coming back, but just like the technique I use of 'just because I want, doesn't mean I must have', could it not work in a similar fashion. Just because you don't want to eat enough, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

You must do something Min. You can't go on like this. Either sort it out, or go get some help. This could be more dangerous than putting the weight on in the first place :hug99:

So come on, what's the plan to get yourself out of this spiral?

 

[Gemma79]

Min I was so sad to sit here and read through your post. You are such an inspiration and I know that this is not how you want things to be. I will keep reading and waiting for that inspirational person to reappear, I've missed her as I've read through this. You have always had such a great way of putting things and I've always felt linked to you through our personal interests I do hope you get out of this spiral as it will only end way, and I'm sure you don't want that. You look amazing, maybe you need time for your brain to realise that and actually live it. I don't know, I'm just starting this crazy journey, but what I do know is you are a strong and determined lady and you can beat this and live a 'normal' life.

(hugs) /wave

 

[Minerva]

I suppose at the moment I'm an example of how the diet can go wrong as well! So maybe it'll be useful for someone else out there so that they don't fall into the same hole I did.

I mean, we all have to see the positives in all situations. Thanks KD, it's always reassuring to read your words because you do say it how it is. And honesty is something I value above everything else in an individual. It's also strangely comforting to know someone out there is looking over me...

I did come back on here wishing I could erase everything I'd written, hoping no one read it. I don't like feeling weak or ever showing it - so asking for help is something I don't do. As with everything before, I will find my way out of this hole I'm digging. ... maybe I just have to dig UP?

I sort of feel as if I'm trapped behind a glass window; looking in at this cosy warm place, pressed against the glass. There is a door next to me, but I'm so obsessed with watching this idyllic setting that I'm scared to move... All I have to do is turn the handle, but even if I blink - it all may just disappear.

 

[Blonde Logic]

There is a door next to me, but I'm so obsessed with watching this idyllic setting that I'm scared to move... All I have to do is turn the handle, but even if I blink - it all may just disappear.

This makes me sad. I hope you won't wait to long to turn that handle - it is there and it won't dissappear.

<<hugs>>

I wish I had more words of wisdom, this seems a very delicate situation and I am reluctant to say anything that may not translate properly on a screen. BUt as KD said, your earlier post concerned me too.

Don;t wait too long to turn that handle, eh?

xx

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
firstly ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
secondly - echoing what KD has said, i'm a bit worried about you - you have helped me tons on here and i would love to be able to repay that, but i really don't know what to say.

your pictures show you are looking great
your stats prove you have made it

i can't pretend to understand how you feel as like you say i am behaving in the opposite - but also confusing - way.
I suppose with me it is more 'usual' - lots of people lose weight, then sabotage it by going back to old habits, i really don't to be one of them and am fighting against it - unsuccessfully i feel at the moment. The advice to me is 'easy' and obvious.

With you I don't know what to say - is your boyfriend worried about you?
i really hope that you are able to find a way out of the 'hell' you feel you are in.

you are young, strong, intelligent, beautiful and have acheived your goal of being slim - a pretty impressive list!
You can do anything you want - you have it in you, proved by all you have done over the last few months

daisy x

 

[KD]

I can't beleive that happened! Wrote a long rambling message and then Pierce came along with his dirty great big rubber and deleted it all before I pressed submit. Damn the man

Now I've noticed one of those great big scary September spiders on the wall, so inclined to rewrite a 'smaller' version

Often when I reply to people I find myself saying "been there....done that", or "I've had that". Huh. Guess it comes with being old and living an 'interesting' kind of life

But yeah. Been there, done that Min Age 17 at the time. Visited it again when I was half way up the Cambridge plans. Not actually losing the weight, but wanting to, overconcerned about it all...blah blah. Not wanting to deal with the food issue, but just concentrate on the weight.

This time I could see what I was doing, and I didn't want to take that leap of faith and turn my concentration from my weight to my food issues (whether undereating or overeating). I wanted to escape from it all...and I knew one way of doing it Lots of walks, lots of plans, get my stuff in order and finish myself once and for all. Yep, it was that bad. I was on the 1,000cal plan at the time.

Anyway, cutting all the rambles. When we are dieting and preparing for maintenance, we can prepare what we are going to do. How we are going to keep the weight stable. We can go one step further and work on how we are going to deal with our food issues. Even the next step, deciding that we aren't going to focus on weight, but just on healthy eating etc.

But oh my, isn't it different when we have to walk the walk!

My problem was that though I realised that dealing with the food issues would help stabalise my weight, I was still too focused on the weight side. I wanted to deal with the food issues so as to control my weight, rather than just deal with the food issues. It was going to be a means to an end. I still didn't get it.

It was all about the weight for me. That was my priority. I could read about how the food was the issue, and understand it, but it was hard to fully embrace. Deep down, I just wanted to stabilise my weight and when that is top priority, I knew that my eating patterns would always be disordered. Of course, I didn't want to get big again. Certainly not.

That's where I feel you are. The weight is the big thing.

I had to get my priorities straight on it. Eat properly (normally), stay fit and well. A bit of an eye on the scales, but never let them detract me from what I'm trying to do....eat normally. I needed to bear in mind that if they are going up too much, my idea of 'normal' might just be a little too much

If that happens, the answer was to eat normally...just a tiny bit less until you find the balance, because it's about eating normally, it's not weight driven so absolutely no point in undereating, because again, that's weight driven motivation, not normal eating motivation IYKWIM.

All I have to do is turn the handle, but even if I blink - it all may just disappear.

The handle you are holding on to is very fragile. Take that leap of faith and turn it quick before it rusts and becomes hard to move.

There's another great journey on the other side. One that is safer and with even more beautiful scenery. Nothing will disappear unless you want it to. Unless you put those blinkers on.

Ack...my previous post that I never submitted was much better :wave_cry: And what makes it worse, is that this one is even longer

 

[thin_inside]

Hi Min

How's things today? I was sad to read your recent posts and am worried for you. You have great advice for everyone so I know that you know what you need to do. It's about making the shift in your head. I really hope you can as low bmi is probably more dangerous than being a bit overweight.

Hugs Min. Please keep blogging and aim for upping the cals bit by bit so the weight loss stops. Can you add in a few normal items in place of the low fat options eg milk, yoghurt, cheese, spreads etc?

Thinking of you.
xx

 

[Morticia]

Hi Min,

Not added anything to the thread as I believe you're far wiser than I am when it comes to the psychological aspects of dieting. Just want to say hope things don't get too dark and gloomy for you.

 

[Minerva]

Ack... Things aren't too gloomy, perhaps I over dramaticise. I do question the validity of pushing myself so far all the time, but it's based on the premise of fearing what and who I truly am. I know I'm a compulsive over-eater, and I know that if I give myself an inch, I'll take a mile. That's why I control so much, and MAKE myself throw food out, MAKE myself eat less, it's a bit like I am punishing myself in that way. I punish myself for who I am. If that makes sense? No, I don't want to lose any more weight, I actually want to gain some; because I'm pretty uncomfortable with so many bones sticking out? It sort of hurts.

I am calm, I just wish I could let go a little... But I'm scared to let go. I did promise myself to stop being so iffy about it all when I hit 8st 7 on the scales, which I did on Sunday. ... No, I don't weigh myself every day, because that would be silly.

Maybe reading so much about metabolism and individual calorie needs scared the crap out of me as well. Knowing that I'm a predisposed 'fat' person, knowing that my chemical make-up wills me to eat more than I should ... knowing that by now my body is probably quite used to 800 calories per day, and re-adjusting will take a few months... and subsequent re-gain, which as I have seen twice now, takes an extremely small amount of time. A stone in a week and a half. I know half is water, but, that surely is too steep a jump? What if it doesn't stop going up? ... Guuuuuuuuuuuuh. So many questions, and I know; realistically being on the upper normal BMI scale is healthier than on the lower end... I miss having female curves and hips, I don't like my knobbly knees! Gah.

My world isn't too bad... no. Just quite wooly and hazy, lack of concentration, and my body hurting at even the thought of any exercise... though I do push myself to walk around and do stuff. ... and I know it all won't be all that great when I start my Masters in a couple of weeks time...

Trying to find a house to live in, studying, living in general... Hmph... Lots to think about.

I guess, like in the beginning, I need to start logging my food in this blog. In the beginning it was to control my calorie intake down, because I needed to lose weight at that point, and to learn how to do it properly... Needed to have a guidance because I wouldn't lie about it here. ... Now I need to re-introduce it - to relearn and rebuild. I won't be able to hide my logged food 'shame' so to speak in my own secret place...

That is step 1. Step 2 is harder. Upping calories week by week. At the moment daily average is about 650-800. So, starting tomorrow it will have to be 950. ... Someone slap me if it's below 900 in the next week!



Wish me luck...!

P.s. Slightly annoyed that someone reported my avatar as offensive... Will have to make a new one... Grr.

 

[Mel P]

Hi Min,

Like Morticia, I am still in the early stages of my journey so no words of wisdom or advice, but just wanted to say good luck, get logging and hopefully with the support from here you can start to increase the calories bit by bit. Not easy by any means ... but a start.

Mel

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
ready and waiting to slap you lol!
good luck with the house hunting etc - where/what are you going to be studying?
i quite liked your avatar - showed a determined woman!
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Hehehe I AM a determined woman. I WANT to fix this...!
Thanks to all of you lovely people pushing me with advice and even just words of support - it DOES help more than you realise. I've always needed someone to 'tell me off' so to speak, so that I can change what I'm doing. When I was doing RTM the first time, my eating was spiralling out of control (meaning I was eating too much! 2 meals instead of 1!), I actually asked my boyfriend to "pretend shout" at me and tell me off. It worked though, and I got back on track.

Sometimes what we need is an outside source of authority so to speak, not to give us advice, but to give us a proper kick up the arse. And in this case, I always look for it here, from KD! She knows, she's been there and done it, so she is my authoritive voice of reason.


As for logging food, I'm very nervous to start doing it again "in public". I still want to hide what I'm not eating, where I'm cutting the calories, blah blah blah, almost tempted not to log it here at all. But, we all must take these steps, right? I must push myself in order to fix it. I can't afford to f*ck my Masters up this year... Doing Criminology because I want to move towards a career in the Police...
And I also can't keep being the emotionless lethargic zombie towards my boyfriend anymore. It's just not fair on him, he's been so patient and loving (not to mention VERY understanding in the bedroom area... which has been gathering dust and cobwebs for well over 9 months ... god I'm such a bad girlfriend? ... or maybe I'm just lucky... very very very lucky I know he loves me to pieces and expresses his desire every day, but never pushes, and never has an argument about it... Which I guess is so very unlike 99% of men out there!)

Well... here we go. Day 1!

 

[Morticia]

Min,

Re the food logging....feel the fear and do it anyway!!!!

 

[Minerva]

Here we go... worked out what I will be having today! I have quite a lot of fun every day working out the exact measurements and grams and calories and how much it will be in my food. I don't really use oil ('cept couple of sprays from Spray Oil) in my cooking yet - I usually dry fry on soy sauce for flavour or in passata/milk depening on what I'm making.

Because of the extra 200-300 calories that I've allowed myself today, I added some nuts to the menu! I must say, I've missed them. I keep getting craving pangs for peanuts, cashews and almonds - which I suppose is natural, they contain many essential oils for healthy skin, hair, nails (which have been suffering!), as well as essential minerals.

I've had to be creative in writing it up so that it sounds tasty as well. Lol. ...! A challenge in itself... What is quite sad through at the moment is that due to an ear infection I haven't actually been able to taste anything for the last few weeks... That sucks a lot, and probably did contribute to me throwing food away - after all; sometimes what's the point in eating it if I'm not even enjoying it/tasting it? Lol, at least I enjoy textures (such as crumbly nature of couscous) and crunchiness of salad, and the metallic zing of citrus, or the burn of chilli... Hopefully it'll get better soon...! I want to taste what I eat, because food is something to be enjoyed and savoured.

15th September. Tuesday.

Breakfast: Reduced-Salt pot of Beans with crispy Ham slices. Served with lettuce. ~180
Pot of Beans (130), Lettuce (10), 35g Ham (40)

Lunch: Mushroom and Prawn stuffed Pepper infused with Garlic and Dill; Served with a Peppery Radish Salad. ~160
Half bell pepper (25), Prawns (70), 70g mushrooms (10), Garlic&Dill (5), Salad (20), 50g Radish (10), 70g Babycorn (20)

Dinner: Morrocan Style Chicken and Chickpea sauce, served over a Wild Mushroom Couscous stuffed pepper; with salad and vegetables. ~470
1/3rd of: 210g raw chicken breast (230), Can of chickpeas (155), 50g R/f Sour Cream (50), 200g Passata (45), Spices&Seasoning (5), 150g diced red pepper (45) = 530/3 = 175 + 10g Cashews (55) = 230
Stuffed Pepper: Half Bell Pepper (25), 25g dry Wild Mushroom Couscous (95) = 120
½ Vegetables: 150g Broccoli (55), 100g cauliflower (35), 125g carrot (50) = 140/2 = 70
Salad: Salad (20), Cucumber (10), Tomato (20) = 50

Dessert: Large bowl of S/f Raspberry jelly with plain Greek yoghurt. ~95
Jelly (40), 75g Yoghurt (40), 50g Frozen Raspberries (15)

Snacks/Extras: Milk in Coffee, Vitamins ~ 50

Totals: 955

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well done Min. That is a very good days plan, and a good increase.

I was shocled when I saw you were only getting 600 +/- calories a day - that is dangerously low, so well done on such a good jump and good start.

Ya know, a way to add calorie, and healthy benfits IS using Olive oil.

It is the one thing, the one fat I am not the least bit bothered by. I don;t cut bak in recipes, use freely on salads, and stir fry. It has such amazing benefits, will be burned off with exercise if too much is consumed, is great for HDL Cholestorol, ertc. Its benefits far outweight the calorie count. SO that may be something to start trying.

So, something for you to ponder for upcoming days when you feel bracve and like expanding your senses and ingredients.

Good going.

x

 

[daisydoll]

nice one min

ditto what BL says about oil - i use 'good oil' and rape seed oil too - cold pressed - full of goodness

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

One step at a time ladies!! One step at a time...

I do agree that oil would be lovely in dishes - and I do have Extra Virgin on the shelf which I've used in muffins and cakes, but I prefer Balsamic Vinegar on my salads I will have a go at using it in stir-fries, since I think my lovely boyfriend has had enough of "stewed chicken stir-fry" ... lol.

I guess I must reflect though, even through all this year and a half's worth of food abstinence, reconstruction, de-construction, theorising... I must say, it's all more health driven now. I never bothered with vegetables or fruit before, it was all about the carbs and cake... Now I absolutely cannot live without vegetables and salad daily, and I MUST have at least two servings of prawns/tuna/fish per week. But is that a different kind of desperation or obsession? ... Hmm. Am I replacing one with the other? Then again, maybe I overcomplicate. After all; a good habit is better than a bad one.

Meh.