Thanks ladies
As predicted, I sprung my gifts and cards on a poor unsuspecting Lyle! He was quite confused and nearly sank into the sofa with shame, the poor guy! But I think I calmed him down by reminding him that it's usually HIM surprising ME; and that it's nice to be able to surprise HIM for once!
My evening was lovely - we watched Ghost Town (the one with Ricky Gervais in it) - while I'm not a big fan of the actor, and I usually HATE soppy romantic crap (makes me want to puke!
), this one was a very gentle understated sort of romance, that made me go Awwwwww!!! So sweet!
Had the take-away and I had a portion of Chicken Bhuna and a Naan bread ... half way through the Naan I felt I should probably leave it... But it was so tasty so I finished it
. I left some Bhuna though because it was very rich. Had a poppadum and veg and salad on the side.
For desserts; had a crushed Berry Solero with added frozen Raspberries, spoon of H/F Creme Fraiche and a Raspberry Jelly! It was very tasty.
Then it was about 1am, and we watched the pre-recorded Question Time, accompanied by some espresso (caffeine has no effect on sleep for me!) and shared 4 Thornton's truffles that I bought for him. They were very creamy, chocolately and sweet... I haven't had chocolate for such a long time!
However, I feel soooo full. That's the only downside. I still feel full this afternoon (it's 2pm!). I guess my body's not used to such rich food - and I don't even feel like I had "too much" of it, volume wise. I felt I was in control during the whole process because I had worked out the meal already so I knew my limits.
It's the unknown that usually kills it. When I go into a restaurant and I don't know what I want, how much, or anything - then I'm more likely to do myself harm and over-eat. It's as if - because I don't know I automatically assume I've failed for the day so I "give up" the control and it can lead to a serious binge...
A few times I did recognise that feeling and lately, I can usually 'save' the day. I rationalise it and think to myself -
you haven't overdone it YET - if you stop now - you will still be well within your limits by the end of the day. It's not the end of the world if this one day you had a little more than usual.
Plus it hurts so much if I over-eat. For some reason I assume that my stomach still has the same elasticity as it had when I was fat! ... and I used to be able to eat A LOT in one sitting. After a meal of half a packet of spaghetti with about 300g of mince bolognase I was still able to fit in lots of bread, sweets and whatever else. I think I'd explode now if I was faced with that much food.
I guess I'm still very much ruled by fear. I can't trust myself. It's as if I don't have control of ME however ridiculous that sounds. It's as if - we personify that 'fat' image of ourselves as a seperate entity - who comes out when we eat. We are scared to eat because we become the 'fatty' and feel that the control of the food in front of us has gone to her. And she won't stop eating. She'll keep going. --- The fear of HER is what I am aware of. And I think I know a few people on this board who are also experiencing this exact fear... so the weight buffer becomes larger, the weight keeps dropping, and the achievement of what we've lost becomes that much more important.
And I have to admit... that, while I feel I have control... I know at the end of the day, I have none at all. The 'fat' person inside of me is still winning.
