Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Blonde Logic]

Hi BL How are you coping? Looking over your blog over the last few days, I have to tell you – that you’re very inspirational. QUOTE]


<<<hugs>>>> thanks hon. I will get back to this to address it properly when I have a quiet moment - just wanted to give you a hug and say thanks..

You've been through it, and I can see how hard yer little head has been working.

Hang in there.

xx

 

[daisydoll]

just wanted to add tho that you have such a lovely face tho, you didn't look horrible!
Daisy x

(just wanted to put that in case my last comment upset you, it wasn't meant to sound critical, it just shocked me how thin you were!)

 

[Minerva]

Just checking in - not to have disappeared! I did 'lapse' slightly last week with chocolate (damn friend wanted to bake a chocolate cake on his birthday! Who was I to say no...) On the whole, I avoided a total disaster, but the next day I nearly fell into the bread-bin (eating a whole pack of Ryvita) ... but I stopped and fixed it. It could have been much, much worse.

For the last few days, I’ve generally been doing well... As a helping mechanism I am logging food on FoodFocus – it’s really helping alleviate the stress of the feeling “I have failed” which induces binges. It’s so easy to get that feeling when you don’t know how much you’ve had, so I’m making every effort to log everything I eat. Today something funny happened though, and the feeling of ‘failure’ is very pressing, even though FF actually tells me I’m still below the calorie limit. A binge did nearly happen earlier today, I went back to get handfuls of vegetables in succession, and had 2 apples, handful of baby-corn and two large handfuls of cauliflower in one go. And I guess this ‘nearly’ falling into the food bin and a prevailing sense of distress (it’s a “hungry day” and I’m currently writing an essay on prisoner suicides...) is tough. But I’m battling through. I have no intention of letting myself down in the long term, a small slip up here and there isn’t to be overly criticised.
Sorta sticking to about 1300 calories per day and generally it’s not bad. The numbers also act as a preventative measure for any overeating because I HAVE to log it if I’ve had it. And I don’t like to fail ON PURPOSE!!! I allow myself extras on some days, and I know I have a couple days coming up which may see a little more than usual – but I’ll try to remain sensible and not throw in the towel completely and say ‘feck it, may as well have anything I want today’ ... because that’s not constructive. Bad decisions on those days (i.e. having sugar/bread) will lead on to worse consequences in the days that follow. I know this, so, I’ll stay away.


Meh, just a short update from me... like I said... essay. ... ughh.......

 

[Minerva]

LOL, oh deary me, so *I* fell off the wagon quite majorly over the weekend.
Housewarming BBQ's with way too much food, loads of people, lots of booze = interesting times!

Time to get back on the wagon eh.

*attempts to climb back in* ....

 

[Gemma79]

thinking of you min x

 

[elizabeth]

LOL, oh deary me, so *I* fell off the wagon quite majorly over the weekend.
Housewarming BBQ's with way too much food, loads of people, lots of booze = interesting times!

Sounds like a good time!

Food is sometimes a normal part of happy socialising for everyone, Min. It's part of the pleasure of connecting with other people. I know your LL counselling talks about not using 'excuses' to eat and dissociating food from rituals/tradition and all that, but ... there must be some room to let life in?

Sounds like you had a happy weekend and I for one hope you enjoyed it!

 

[Jezebella]

Min Darling

So glad to read you are in such a positive headspace. You have certainly been through it all, I have skim read the last 3 weeks worth of posts and wow!! Your words, are, as always inspirational and thought provoking. We must still catch up for that coffee date honey, perhaps when your essays are sorted and I am over silly season???

Jez
xx

 

[Minerva]

...I think technically speaking with food I'm in an extremely difficult place right now... I'm not obsessing over it like, it's not about the food. I'm emotion eating. I know I'm not hungry, blah blah blah... But I eat almost ... in preparation for the emotional pain I know I'll face in a few weeks time...
I hope to go to Russia in a couple of weeks, and I know the pain will be extreme because suddenly a very physical realisation will hit me that my grandparents are no longer there. I know this LOGICALLY. But I need to SEE it to believe it.

I honestly don't know if I can deal with it. I eat to prepare myself. I eat to soothe the sorrow. I eat to drown the pain. I eat because the food acts like a cork for all the emotions I'm keeping inside. ... It's a sad place to be, because I know the thing that makes me do it. I am facing the pain - but I don't know how to address it. I want to solve it and 'tackle' it - but how do you tackle grief and mourning? I can't make my grandparents come back. ... I have no grave to visit, I have nothing here that grounds the hurt in order to get over the loss.

I hope the trip to Moscow will resolve some of the loss issues... I truly hope so... because if it doesn't help, I honestly don't know if I can survive. This pain is too much... A year and a half it's been and it hasn't become any easier.



God, give me strength.

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
it sounds as if it is going to be a traumatic trip. are you going with your boyfriend?
you say you have no grave to visit, which is sad, but perhaps you need to try and turn it around and visit places where you went that have happy memories with your grandparents.

is there somewhere special you remember going with them - could you something in their memory while there? (im thinking sort of lay a rose down at a favourite park,lake, bench etc and have a few moments rememberance of your own?)

It is going to be hard but no matter what you do or don't eat, its not going to change any facts. You need to grieve, don't try and stuff down the feelings with food, they need to come to the surface.

food at the end of the day will actually make yo feel worse ifyou do get out of control, you know that.

try and think how proud your grandparents would have been of you and how they would be willing you to be happy and face your demons

come on min, you can do this - get support from your boyfriend and the people who care about you and get through this difficult time

Daisy x

 

[elizabeth]

I am facing the pain - but I don't know how to address it. I want to solve it and 'tackle' it - but how do you tackle grief and mourning?

You don't tackle it, hon. You have to just let it happen to you, and eventually you will get through it. It's like a current - you can try to swim against it and exhaust yourself, or you can go with it and let it carry you where it will. Eventually you'll come to shore, with your strength still intact.

It's just one of those incredibly tough experiences we all have to go through in life. But you're a very tough lady, you know.

I totally agree with Daisydoll, when you go home to Russia try and visit places where you were happy. It'll make you feel sad right now, but feeling sad is the appropriate response at the moment. The grief we feel when we lose loved ones is the price we pay for the love we felt.

I hope the trip does you good.

 

[MiniMimi2091]

Hi Min!

Hope everything is going well in your world
Sending you bags of positive vibes :vibes::vibes::vibes:
xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

You don't tackle it, hon. You have to just let it happen to you, and eventually you will get through it. It's like a current - you can try to swim against it and exhaust yourself, or you can go with it and let it carry you where it will. Eventually you'll come to shore, with your strength still intact.

It's just one of those incredibly tough experiences we all have to go through in life. But you're a very tough lady, you know.

I totally agree with Daisydoll, when you go home to Russia try and visit places where you were happy. It'll make you feel sad right now, but feeling sad is the appropriate response at the moment. The grief we feel when we lose loved ones is the price we pay for the love we felt.

I hope the trip does you good.

Elizabeth, great post. I just lost my mom a few weeks ago under horrible circumstances. I am just riding that current now, though I have not reached the raging water yet, the current is taking me and you have no choice but to ride it.

Such an APT description.

Thank you.

 

[elizabeth]

Thanks for your kind words BL - I've been thinking about you going through this incredibly difficult experience too. Lots of love to you.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks for your kind words BL - I've been thinking about you going through this incredibly difficult experience too. Lots of love to you.

Hi E...thank you. I couldn;t be sure if you knew about my mom, then remembered some really kind advice you gave me a few weeks ago. Its hard to keep things straight in my head at the moment.

But thank you.

Sorry for the hijack Min <<<hug>>> we'll get through it, ay.... x

 

[daisydoll]

hi minerva
howare things with you?
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Not so good Daisy, but thank you... On Monday I returned from Russia, and it has been the most painful journey I'd ever made. In some way it alleviated some emotional pain, it finally confirmed to me that my grandparents are truly gone, so I can begin to heal... However, the additional pain of my dad sorting through stuff to be thrown out, and saying that the flat will be sold brings a lot of anxiety. My home will forever be gone and it's painful to think that I will never be able to return. Why is this so hard? I realised that most people deal with this sort of thing when they're older, having to give up their childhood home, losing their 'parents' and finally HAVING to realise that they are grown up... Maybe it's better that I get this kick in the teeth at an earlier age. Doesn't make it any less painful though.

I have set an official date for starting to sort out my weight/eating issue. On Monday 12th July, I'll weigh myself even though I really, REALLY don't want to. The more I gain the less I want to sort it out. It's like... Having climbed a really steep mountain to get to a really amazing reward at the top, then slowly climbing back down to see what's on the other side of the mountain. The further down I go, the less keen I am to climb back up to the amazing thing up there because it'll take more effort with every step. ...Blah. And before you say - why don't you start NOW!! ... well. I'm emotionally not ready. I am preparing, I need to WANT it. Everyday that I put it off, the more I crave to start. I need that craving to 'fix it' to be strong enough to get me through the first week. If I can get the momentum going past the really tough bit, I'll stick with it. ... at least theoretically.

That's all for now... I'm gonna make some enquiries into joining the gym up the road as well... work out some schedules, realistic eating plans, etc...

Being really bored doesn't help either...

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Min. <<<<<<<<Huge hugs>>>>> Looks like you and me are travelling on a paralel path in some ways.

My childhood home, as we speak, right now is being valued by a realtor and will be on the market in a day or two. (Assuming my brother likes the agent)

There is no way I can go home again until October. If it sells by then, that means I will never be able to go back. I do desperatly want one more opportunity to spend some quiet time there. TO hug my favourite tree in the world. Just to BE there, and to say goodbye to it. I worry every day I may not get that opportunity.

Losing a childhood home I am finding, is a death of it's own.

When you have genuine love for people, and you home - genuine love, it makes no difference how old you are. It hurts the same.

I am so sorry you are feeling this too.

I know by the sound of it you have wonderful memories of the home. Same as I do mine. And people remind me of that when I get down. BUt I know, and I know you know - memories are good - but deep down, at the moment they do not feel enough. What good is a memory....if you can;t reach out and touch/feel/see/smell/taste - whatever. It's very very hard, isn;t it. One day, the memories become very wonderfully satisfying, but in these early days, they are hardly enough.

I guess I just wanted to say, you are not alone. I understand how you might be feeling. And I empathise and sympathise.

Life can be very hard at times. I have lost my mom, a best friend, and now the house, all in the course of 2 months. And its very hard to stay in the present, really. I find that - do you? Just so overwhelmed.

Just know I am with you in spirit if that helps any. ANd I am sending you love, and a gentle hug, and saying "I understand."

Look after yourself.
xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

I have set an official date for starting to sort out my weight/eating issue. On Monday 12th July, I'll weigh myself even though I really, REALLY don't want to. The more I gain the less I want to sort it out. It's like... Having climbed a really steep mountain to get to a really amazing reward at the top, then slowly climbing back down to see what's on the other side of the mountain. The further down I go, the less keen I am to climb back up to the amazing thing up there because it'll take more effort with every step. ...Blah. And before you say - why don't you start NOW!! ... well. I'm emotionally not ready. I am preparing, I need to WANT it. Everyday that I put it off, the more I crave to start. I need that craving to 'fix it' to be strong enough to get me through the first week. If I can get the momentum going past the really tough bit, I'll stick with it. ... at least theoretically.


...

ANd this too,,,,this is exactly where I am. I tried to restart but my heart is not in it, and it has to be 110%.

We will get there. I know I will, I just don't know when. I know you will too....but be gentle with yourself. Right now, your heart is hurting. Look after that, and the rest will follow.

That is what I am counting on.

Just try to be wise. Don't obsess, but try and be wise in your choices, etc., and try not to undo everything you worked so hard to do.

We can do this - and we will be stronger in the end for it, though right now, it does feel like a very big slippery mountain indeed.

xxx

 

[Morticia]

Aww Minerva hunny, I can't give you any better advice than what's already been said. Just wanted to send you my best wishes and support for restarting on the 12th. Good luck.

 

[daisydoll]

Hi Minerva
I'm sorry you are descending your mountain....come the 12th you can start a climbing a different one -one where the view from the top is even better than the last one!

I can't pretend to know how you feel about your grandparents home, it must be so hard.

you know you are strong enough to get through this and get to the top again - good luck with your preparation - you are right, if you are not mentally ready then you are better off waiting til you are

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

daisy x