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Minerva's Broken Thoughts...


...we're sinking deeper.
I guess I had this a long time coming... Been overweight all of my childhood and in my teens I reached size 20... which eventually reached size 24 by the age of 22... More dress sizes than I had years. A joke really. But lucky me, it didn't stop me finding the man of my dreams, someone who loved me for ME and made me crawl out of a deep dark hole I was in for so long. Bless this man. But, we both have a problem we share... We both love food too much. I have an addiction to it and binge eating disorder, he just simply can't say no to some tasty temptation with second helpings. ... With him, we went on Lighter Life for a year and lost a total of 24 stone between us both. But that was a while ago... About 3 years have gone since then... I maintained for a while, was a size 8-10 and quite happy (despite my newly acquired FEAR of food...)... but then... an awful tragedy fell upon my shoulders in spring last year and I gained a lot of weight back... Granted not all of it - it would take great lengths to regain 12 stone. I've not let that happen... But I believe I've regained about half of it back. ... and not been able to lose it again for the last year and a half... I hate how this is dragging on... and how I'm sinking into an eating disorder, eating myself to death.

But, with a positive mind-set, I think I can beat my addiction to food. I quit smoking and I know I should be able to do this too. Oh it will be hard... very, very hard. But, I'll give it my best shot... and having a small audience, a small place to write my thoughts down, this forum has always helped me. I re-located here from my usual Lighter Life forums, I suppose to escape the humiliation of my neverending stuggle with trying to get it back down ... often ending unsuccessfully...

Starting tomorrow... I guess I'll be preparing myself for the ... hunger. It'll be severe, but I need to push through. Here's to a good start... :)
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Welcome back, it is definately a place you are always welcome.

I think a lot of people on here are not on thir first attempt at losing weight. It is one of the hardest things to have to do I think, so easy to slip into old habits thinking the food will make you feel better but it never does.

I have had a lifetime of dieting so draw a line, forgt the past and lets get going, you know you can do it xx x x x

And keep posting x


...we're sinking deeper.
Thank you Size 16 will do :) Really kind words of encouragement... It helps somewhat.

What a day... Extreme headache from the sugar withdrawal doesn't help... The realisation that I'm heavier than I thought also doesn't help... Having no confidence to even look people in the eye also is tiring... Ugh. And then falling into a few handfuls of grated cheese, unnecessary chicken slices also isn't great...

On the other hand, I think I figured out why I turn to food so often these days... I guess that's a helpful realisation. I am very uncomfortable and even scared of intimacy. I've run away from it for a long time and a consequence feel worse about myself and about my relationship with my partner. And all these things tend to start off a spiral of negativity which surprise surprise end up with me eating to escape it all.

A lot to think about... But, despite my falling into the fridge when I got home, I resisted quite a lot of naughty things i.e. the chocolate at work. Surely a handful of chicken is better than a few helpings of chocolate... Well... work in progress...
OK take a deep breath. Summon up some courage. Now go right back to childhood examine it, find out what/where/who it was that made you rely on food to get you through.

You can heal it and put your head back together. It won't be instant, it won't be painless but it will be worth it.

I was a fat child. It's taken me many years to recover stuff buried in my head so that they can be dealt with and removed. A lot of them were just painful comments made towards me by those who should have loved me the most.

For me it helped to start thinking of food as fuel and then give my body the best fuel I could to heal it.

Small steps and one bad day doesn't need to turn into a bad week.

Take it easy.


...we're sinking deeper.
Thanks... I know you're right. I've always known that my father soothed any emotional pain or arguments by saying the phrase "Go and eat something" as a way of avoiding dealing with me. Then again I can't blame him, he himself deals with emotional issues and stress by buying a pack of biscuits or chocolate, then eating it in private. It's how it's always been. No one in my family really ever talks about things... As far as childhood's concerned, everyone always pointed out I'm fat even while feeding me lots of things that aren't good for me.

Still, it's gone now. I need to deal with reality. I'm reading something interesting and while I've always known I have a special addiction to sugar, I found this passage interesting:

"When you use sugar, you feel confident, soothed and able to cope. You feel attractive and hopeful - until it wears off. And then you need more. Over time the druglike effect diminishes, your tolerance for sugar increases, and you need more and more to achieve the same soothing or energetic effect. Your addiction to sugar is physiologically real, and like any addiction, it causes physical and psychological havoc in your life."

I guess it's true. Even though I'm larger now than I've been anytime in the last 3 years, somehow when I'm on a sugar high, I can forget the awful truth and enjoy myself... When I'm 'on my own' I become a vile beast. I'm scared of what I become when I'm dieting. I become an awful person to my partner. But, I hate myself more and more with each day. But most of all, I am afraid of my desire to destroy myself.

But... life gets more difficult as I slowly eat myself to death, slowly circling into the black void of despair... I can barely look people in the eye without imagining a look of disgust in their faces when they look at me.

I have to wonder, why my weight has such a strong link to my feelings of self-achievement and self-worth? When I'm above a certain 'number' I am a useless human being. Yet, I am still me, regardless of the shell I'm wearing. I wish I had more confidence and I really wish it didn't lie so heavily in the way I look.

Oh well. I need to be more strict with myself. I need to say 'no' more. I need to find a bit of self-control inside. I know I have it. I've done it before. I just need to ... remember that I'm worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is Day 1. Time to start counting.
Gosh, I could have written this post.

I'm sending all the good vibes I can muster in your direction right now. Believe me when I say I know how you feel and I also know that you can find the strength to overcome all of these difficulties.

I totally relate to the weight being linked to self-worth. If I tip over some invisible line the self-loathing I experience is almost crippling. But the key is to not let that get the better of you; regardless of your weight you are a beautiful person. Even at your heaviest you're still the same inside - use this knowledge to spur you on to take care of yourself because you know what? You deserve it.

Good luck.
I could have written the post too ok our stats are different but the emotional connection to food, dealing with stress in our personal lives by eating for comfort (in my case my father's death, isolation from family and friends due to being over seas, and serious marriage problems)......... I have gained 50lbs for this reason, from being 120lbs ALL of my adult life until the last 18months happened, I'm almost 30years old.

Minerva I love your posts can you try to make an appearance in the lighter life lite forum please? I've just started there!

I love your honesty... it's motivating to read posts like that and helps to understand the past and clear my mind.

You will loose the weight, I have a long road ahead and feel like it should have been done yesterday but have given myself a realistic goal of March 2012 even though it means I will be fat for many of my personal deadlines in life...but it's what has to be done! and WILL be done!

Although I've been slim I've had a bad relationship with food in the past and have been too thin at times, due to too much partying in my youth/work and not taking care of myself. I sincerely hope I haven't screwed my metabolism. I sort of understand that feeling of having screwed up and feeling humiliated there are people from my past, good friends I won't see because I'm so embarrassed of having gained so much weight from being so slim..it's bad and I just need to address this problem in my life.

PS What are you eating for lighter life lite meals?
I haven't tried Lighter Life but it just sounds so unhealthy, almost setting yourself up to fail. I apologise if I'm offending people on Lighter Life but you need to learn how to change your eating habits for the long term, not just go on a 500 calorie diet to get the bulk of the weight off first.

We all want a certain number but to get there, we have to have certain habits. We want that certain number on the scales because it represents self-control. We think that once we have that number, all our problems will be solved! This is just not true. Being thin does not automatically equate to confidence.

It's not about the food. It's about our attitudes to food so some CBT could help you (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). The thread on the Beck Diet Solution book could be of some help as it's a CBT book. It deals with your eating habits, thinking errors etc, I've found it very good.

I used to think chocolate etc. was "naughty" too, now I realise that chocolate triggers my overeating. I overeat and that's why I gained weight. "Normal" eaters can take or leave the chocolate, I can't so I abstain from it. It IS an addiction and you need to treat it that way. I can't do certain foods "in moderation". Overeaters Anonymous deals with food in this way and it could be worth checking out. Like you, sugar triggers my overeating but then, it does for most overeaters.

If you think you can do chocolate etc in moderation, then Weight Watchers or Slimming World would work great for you. Weight Watchers is a healthy eating plan, you don't need to spend your points on "treats" like chocolate should you not want to, it's totally up to you. I'm on their Core Plan (now called "Simply Filling") so I don't have to count points-as part of the plan, I have to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full so I definitely think it's the best plan out of the lot. :)

I've read some of your posts before so I'm sorry you're feeling lousy about your weight gain! But I wouldn't feel too bad as a lot of people do regain weight from diets so you are not alone! x
hello and welcome back! :)

Just want to wish you luck and let you know I can totally relate to what you say! Well done for originally losing such a fab amount, you've done it before..you'll do it again :)

Everyone falls off the wagon now and again when changing their eating habits and lifestyle. I joined minimins in 2009!!!!!! for a few weeks, gave up...came back a year later...started xenical tablets, lost weight for a couple of weeks..the gave up again?????? finally returned in feb this year..and after years of dieting on and off..it is finally working :D

I did lose over 5 stone years ago, but instead of learning to change my habits, i returned to them..and gained it all back and then some...so never feel you are alone!

it isn't easy, but it is worth it :)

I associated good times with eating all my life..but now realise i can still have good times and meals..but make sensible choices! I stopped going out, declined every invite to parties and weddings etc because of my weight...i had no life...so mainly for health reasons and self worth...here I am...losing it forever this time :)

Keep posting hun, we all understand..I look forward to chatting with you. :D

Good luck, the first few days are always the hardest..when you've conquered those, you can conquer anything!


...we're sinking deeper.
But... this fat is so ... comforting... it hides me. Protects me.... and destroys everything that I am. Ugly, good for nothing, stupid girl. All because of this shell. I can blend into the wall and never be seen. Never noticed. I can fade away... right?

Addiction is not letting go. Or I am not letting go of it. I fear being alone again. I fear being someone worthy of attention. ... but this cycle of destruction is killing me and everyone around me.

I wish I knew how to get out...

Am I worth the fight? And the problem is, I know nothing is solved at the end. Happiness doesn't come at a magic number, at a magic size. The pain is worse and nothing is good enough. The fear of failure is more terrifying. It looms over like a dark cloud.

I need to learn to like myself... but... how?...
I think growing 'comfortable' at being a certain weight is quite a typical thing. I don't mean comfortable as in being happy with yourself but, like you say, it becomes a barrier, something to wrap yourself up in and fade into the background. And when you've become so used to being one thing it can be incredibly difficult to visualise yourself as something different - it's almost scary in a way because you're breaking away from something you've hid yourself in for so long.

I think this is particularly true with weight loss. Because you feel worthless you begin to question whether it's worth the effort.

But all of that is negative thinking. All of that energy you're putting into feeling bad about yourself try and turn it around and put it into feeling better about yourself. Once you start seeing yourself as worth it (which you are!) all of this starts to get much, much easier. There's no point beating yourself over the head with all your insecurities because that doesn't improve anything.

I know it's far from easy, though, to change your way of thinking. But start small. Everytime you catch yourself thinking something self-deprecating about yourself take a bit of time to see how you can turn it into a positive comment. Either by highlighting something you like about yourself or if you say "My bingo wings are horrible' turn it around and think 'If I do a few weights my arms will be nicely toned.'

Only you have the power to begin this journey on the right foot. No one else is going to improve how you feel about yourself, it really has to come from within. So start feeling as though you're worth it because you are.
But... this fat is so ... comforting... it hides me. Protects me.... and destroys everything that I am. Ugly, good for nothing, stupid girl. All because of this shell. I can blend into the wall and never be seen. Never noticed. I can fade away... right?

Addiction is not letting go. Or I am not letting go of it. I fear being alone again. I fear being someone worthy of attention. ... but this cycle of destruction is killing me and everyone around me.

I wish I knew how to get out...

Am I worth the fight? And the problem is, I know nothing is solved at the end. Happiness doesn't come at a magic number, at a magic size. The pain is worse and nothing is good enough. The fear of failure is more terrifying. It looms over like a dark cloud.

I need to learn to like myself... but... how?...

I had this dilemna before but I decided to just BREAK the cycle for once and for all. Don't wait, just decide that you're going to break it. If you wait, you will be literally waiting forever. Even if you don't like yourself right now, you can always accept yourself. You can say "this is how I am now and I will get even better". That was my baseline. I stopped putting myself down and instead gave myself praise for what I *was* doing (positive reinforcement in other words). Give yourself a chance.

I said to myself that I wanted to change my eating habits because it wasn't working for me.. But just because I gained weight didn't mean I was a bad person, they were just unhelpful behaviours..there is a big difference between being a bad person and just not using the best method to deal with something.

Success has spurred me on. My perception of myself was all distorted before..everyone is human so we all have strengths and flaws, thats normal. Why beat yourself up over certain "flaws"? You can work to improve yourself anyway but at a certain level, you do have to accept yourself as you are. I mean, whats so bad about you anyway? Like why wouldn't you be worth the fight? You yourself have to decide that you are worth it. That is the key. Once you decide that, everything else seems easy in comparison.

Weight is like a shell, it does seem easier to eat my feelings than deal with them. But that is such an illusion! It IS easier just to deal with a problem than eat it, at least in the long term. I mean, at the time, it might suck but in the long run, no problem is permanent. Things do generally get better after a while. I mean, what I think is easier now is feeling good about myself, not overeating, being lighter, wearing nicer clothes :)

You sound like a perfectionist-I get it, I was too. But why do you need to be a perfectionist? I seriously asked myself that and I realised that I had been setting myself up to fail. I mean, perfection is unattainable whereas excellence is achievable and almost as good, without the hassle.

Hope I haven't been too blunt but I could totally relate! x
how are you getting on? Was thinking about you the other day, hope things are Ok hun
daisy x

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