Minerva's on a mission!!
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Funnily enough, I did reeducate my mind, my whole lifestyle changed after LL. Eating habits completely different - lots of vegetables, no snacks in the house, no unecessary eating between meals... Having smaller plates etc etc ... That wasn't the problem with this particular weight gain.
Just need to get a mental block fixed... During a very difficult time last year I turned to food to alleviate the pain, which worked for a while, but I'm not quite sure how to stop that dependence now... Hence, I'm using Lighter Life to bring it under control.
It seems to be working... Something's clicking in my brain and I'm slowly realising again that I can survive just fine without the food 'to keep me going'. Quite liberating really... Feels like I can breathe again.
sexychick
Slim,slim,slim!
That's good,I know it can be hard sometimes,but sometimes when you start eating normal again,I don't mean healthily,is like you can't stop yourself somehow,which I know I've got to learn to control for life because I love been slim,not been fat!
You will get there hopefully for the last time hay!
Sexy xxx
You will get there hopefully for the last time hay!
Sexy xxx
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Yep, hopefully it's the last time for both of us.
But, never say never. I don't want to be petrified of gaining weight either, just being aware that it can happen and stopping it before it gets out of hand. I only regained half of what I lost, so maybe next time, it'll just be a quarter - with everytime I will take the control back sooner and sooner. That's the way to really learn. Keep going forward and never burying your head in the sand. At least in theory. Today was such a lovely sunny day.
I went for a 3 and a half hour stroll through the shops, just getting bits and pieces I needed. I was really knackered by the end though, somehow I survived on just one cup of coffee until 4pm. I guess I have to see how far I can push it, to see what limits I have in activity, how much I can tolerate without food. ...Then my OH and I did a bit of gardening, he mowed the lawn while I pretended to look useful, sweeping up a bit. Bingeing is such a difficult thing. It's an addiction in some ways. Sometimes, when I start eating, I literally can't stop. I feel that if I do, the world may collapse around me. Like a never ending loop of want washes over and I can't concentrate on anything. Just tunnel vision.
It's been ok so far though. I've managed to avoid the situations which start off chain reactions. Though the lingering thoughts keep beckoning everyday for me to go out and get some trigger foods, all in secret of course... But I won't. I don't want to get stuck in that loop again. Like an addict - those thoughts will always be there... But if I can give up smoking, I'm sure these thoughts will diminish in time, just like the cravings for cigarettes did.
I had such a lovely dinner, a piece of cod, lightly seasoned with some Marigold's boullion and herbs, on a bed of salad. Absolutely delicious! Shame I can't have fish more often, my partner HATES the smell!
Oh well, he's been good about it and said 'You're doing really well, I can put up with a bit of fish since I'm having so much that you want too!'. Bless him. The thing I miss the most is the vegetables. There just aren't enough calories in the day to really have some. Today: 2 foodpacks and 100ml milk = 370
Dinner: (205g Cod (180), Seasoning/Boillion (20), Salad (60), 150g Tomatoes (30)) = 290 = 660
Back to the gym tomorrow... Though I feel my strength dropping by the day... Ugh. At least I'm not cold yet...
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 9.
I've noticed that I'm sleeping a more... i get more tired somehow... I'm doing more though, I try to do some activity in the day to feel useful. Guess the temporary unemployment sucks that way, the feeling of total uselessness and then worthlessness. And then, the total bewilderment, I don't even know how to look for a job... Having been in constant education the whole time - I don't know how to do this... I don't know what I want to be doing, I don't know how to even start... The University guides on 'How to - get a job / do interviews / etc...etc..' left me more than a little confused and even more terrified.
I want to do a PhD at LSE, but what topic? So many choices, how do I even go about proposing one? I'm so scared... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get to where I want to be....
But still... right now I'm fixing one problem at a time - which is the self confidence issue. I'm scared to leave the house feeling the way I do about myself, let alone have any plans beyond surviving a week. But, slowly, my confidence is growing... It's a little more than I had a few weeks ago, I actually went for a walk and didn't feel too petrified of looking up from the pavement. If I have no self confidence then I have no self belief... if I have no belief in myself I can't achieve what I want... If the past is anything to go by, then - I know for a fact that when I have some basic trust in my abilities, I know I can create bridges to walk across those canyons of doubt. I know I can. I just need to FEEL that I can. I will conquer. By the end of this year I'll know where I'm going.
I went to the gym today and only just about managed to do an hour and a half... For some reason my legs were having a really hard time moving... Just felt so ... drained today.
For dinner, I made some really lovely tuna pancakes though, maybe some other day I'll make some basic falafel, looking forward to it! I felt the dinner was small ... I didn't feel satisfied... I miss the vegetables. It's always my favourite part of dinner! The massive pile of veg. Yum!
3 Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 500
Tuna pancakes with salad = (60g Tin Tuna (65), 205g Mushrooms (30), 1 egg (75), 1 tsp boullion (20), 300g Lettuce (45)) = 235 = 735
I've noticed that I'm sleeping a more... i get more tired somehow... I'm doing more though, I try to do some activity in the day to feel useful. Guess the temporary unemployment sucks that way, the feeling of total uselessness and then worthlessness. And then, the total bewilderment, I don't even know how to look for a job... Having been in constant education the whole time - I don't know how to do this... I don't know what I want to be doing, I don't know how to even start... The University guides on 'How to - get a job / do interviews / etc...etc..' left me more than a little confused and even more terrified.
I want to do a PhD at LSE, but what topic? So many choices, how do I even go about proposing one? I'm so scared... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get to where I want to be....
But still... right now I'm fixing one problem at a time - which is the self confidence issue. I'm scared to leave the house feeling the way I do about myself, let alone have any plans beyond surviving a week. But, slowly, my confidence is growing... It's a little more than I had a few weeks ago, I actually went for a walk and didn't feel too petrified of looking up from the pavement. If I have no self confidence then I have no self belief... if I have no belief in myself I can't achieve what I want... If the past is anything to go by, then - I know for a fact that when I have some basic trust in my abilities, I know I can create bridges to walk across those canyons of doubt. I know I can. I just need to FEEL that I can. I will conquer. By the end of this year I'll know where I'm going.
I went to the gym today and only just about managed to do an hour and a half... For some reason my legs were having a really hard time moving... Just felt so ... drained today.
For dinner, I made some really lovely tuna pancakes though, maybe some other day I'll make some basic falafel, looking forward to it! I felt the dinner was small ... I didn't feel satisfied... I miss the vegetables.
It's always my favourite part of dinner! The massive pile of veg. Yum!3 Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 500
Tuna pancakes with salad = (60g Tin Tuna (65), 205g Mushrooms (30), 1 egg (75), 1 tsp boullion (20), 300g Lettuce (45)) = 235 = 735
LadyT
Tough But Sexy X
Hey, its unusual to readsomething likke this off you, normaloly you are so full of positivity.
I know only to well what you mean about being scared etc, you have to learn to love yourself you are making a step in the right direction by addressing the weight issue, so thats brilliant. The rest will follow in time, one thing at a time I find is the best way to tackle issues.
Stay strong xx
I know only to well what you mean about being scared etc, you have to learn to love yourself you are making a step in the right direction by addressing the weight issue, so thats brilliant. The rest will follow in time, one thing at a time I find is the best way to tackle issues.
Stay strong xx
Hey I'm not surprised you're feeling tired - you must have worked like a demon last year to get those excellent qualifications. I was curious so downloaded the LSE graduate prospectus - what a lot of exciting courses are on offer. I'm not surprised you are undecided and a lot is determined by this choice so you are right to ponder. (though action helps if it's procrastination)
Do you have academic advisors? You need expert advice here.....
Hey remember that everyone needs a pause to catch up with themselves after a tough challenge - give it time and rest your body and mind. Recharge and re-create yourself.
I hope you don't mind a non LL person butting in to your diary.......
Do you have academic advisors? You need expert advice here.....
Hey remember that everyone needs a pause to catch up with themselves after a tough challenge - give it time and rest your body and mind. Recharge and re-create yourself.
I hope you don't mind a non LL person butting in to your diary.......
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
macabar said:
Hey
I don't mind at all, I'm always quite surprised when someone from the 'outside' wonders in, people usually are a little bit weary of crossing into other diet forums. Strange behaviour to be honest. What diet regime are you on? As for the education, thank you for your insight! It's useful. I know I should continue with Criminology and I vaguely know area of interest, but just finding that research question is the toughie... Making it so precise and to have contacts in order to undertake a *meaningful* experimental study to prove something constructive... Now that's the part that is terrifying... I've done some research already, just it's so hard to know what is relevant and what hasn't been done to death! Also knowing what my resources and choices are... Ugh. I know I want an academic career though, I know that for a fact. Just, a question of how to get there... How do lecturers become lecturers?
LadyT said:
Aww thank you so much... You're always so positive and inspiring to everyone. You made me smile, maybe tomorrow won't be such a grey day... :grouphugg:Errrhhh.... Today... Day 10.
Bad, baaaaaaaaad day. Don't know what it is, is my brain short-circuiting or something? Some drive inside to sabotage what I'm doing for no reason. I'm not feeling depressed or too negative with myself, just .. eugh. Guess some stubborn child inside is basically saying: "Ok, this isn't funny anymore, I want to eat something proper. Now!" ... I'm fighting it though. ...somehow. Not sure how it'll work out in my weight losses, but this battle needs to be fought first. Need some control over myself back, that's what I went back to the diet for. Not to lose weight, but to get control back. Slowly, I think I will win. I know I will.
So, for some reason after my morning foodpack, something compelled me to eat my LL bar really early which sucked and then I kept picking at mushrooms. I did weigh everything though and to compensate didn't have a third foodpack. For some reason, I decided to eat some raw swede instead. I love raw swede - it's delicious. It's an allowed food item, but I shouldn't really eat outside of meal times. Ok, so today wasn't great, but I stayed within the 800 calories because I compensated for it. I can't do that though, I need to have the foodpacks and less food... Doesn't help that my body hurts so much from dieting like this...
Just have to get used to it again, I guess...Had a nice dinner tonight, Quorn cottage pie.
2 Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 370
Cottage pie: (140g Cabbage (35), 75g Quorn (70), 250g Swede (75), Seasoning (20), 275g Mushrooms (45), 300g Lettuce (45)) = 290 = 660
+250g Swede (75) = 735
I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Wishing you all well
Woops sorry, I guess it is strange!
- socially - not that adept!
In theory I'm on Lipotrim, but not doing that well just at the moment. Trying to get back in control after a year of travelling working abroad, which brought out all kinds of doubts and panic eating - and I put on 75 lbs.
So i've lost 13 but struggling. To help I look at Cambridge diet people's struggles and LL too - I figure it's pretty much the same effort and emotional trip and sometimes I just feel like responding to a post on my roamings. So that's how I ended up here, skulking in the wrong diet camp.....
Hope your resolve is strong today.
- socially - not that adept!
In theory I'm on Lipotrim, but not doing that well just at the moment. Trying to get back in control after a year of travelling working abroad, which brought out all kinds of doubts and panic eating - and I put on 75 lbs.
So i've lost 13 but struggling. To help I look at Cambridge diet people's struggles and LL too - I figure it's pretty much the same effort and emotional trip and sometimes I just feel like responding to a post on my roamings. So that's how I ended up here, skulking in the wrong diet camp.....
Hope your resolve is strong today.
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gracielou09
Silver Member
I didn't actually know the Daffodil is the English national flower! I'm not sure what the Russian national flower is, or the Latvian... But every country claims something to his own, you never know who owns what...!
I'm from Wales chick so its the Welsh national flower. the English have the rose ...although the rose is my favourite flower ...am I confusing you hahaha. Sorry hun.
8lbs in your first week is great, I hope to have something similar tonight in my 1st WI.
Well done you!
I'm from Wales chick
so its the Welsh national flower. the English have the rose ...although the rose is my favourite flower ...am I confusing you hahaha. Sorry hun.8lbs in your first week is great, I hope to have something similar tonight in my 1st WI.
Well done you!
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Macabar, don't be silly. It's not like it matters what diets we all do - we're all going through the same emotions and struggles after all! Weight loss is a very difficult undertaking and at times it can feel extremely lonely. We are frought with challenges we didn't think were possible and the body, psychology and phyciology screams every day for us to stop what we're doing because in all honesty - this is quite unnatural in the great scheme of things. Weight loss in essence, on survival terms means there is a famine or great difficulty hence our instincts tell us to do the opposite of what we're trying to achieve for our wellbeing! No wonder diets are such miserable things.
I know the feeling with the panic eating, I put on about 70lb on too! Trying to minimise damage, trying to diet, not being ready, panicing, eating more, restarting. Terrible cycle. If there is one thing I know about dieting, you actually have to be in the right place EMOTINALLY to even begin thinking about it. It doesn't help if there's just too much going on, and your year of working and travelling abroad certainly doesn't sound like a very calm place to be. However, I do hope it was enjoyable and a very enriching experience never the less! What do you do that required you to travel? How is Lipotrim working for you? Is it also a food replacement VLCD, or are you doing a variation with a small portion of food involved like me?
It's funny, Gracie, you got me thinking about flowers now... I really need to get a move on and sort my garden out! Moved into my new house in April last year and haven't done anything to the outside space yet... I want it to be quite vibrant and pretty. I actually looked my national flowers up. Who thinks this crap up anyway? I didn't know the Russian flower was Chamomile? Some say it's the Sunflower but I doubt that. I do know that the Soviet Union had adopted the Carnation though, I remember those being plastered all over, us buying them for teachers at school and from old Soviet books when I was growing up. The Latvians apparently have the daisy. Good thing I really like daisies, the wild big ones are wonderful!
Apart from that... Day 11.
Today has been ok. I think I had too much lettuce for dinner, I feel rather full now... But I didn't pick at all today, had my shakes as they're supposed to, had my bar for dessert after my meal... Does anyone else find that they burp alot after a foodpack? Like, it just sits in the stomach for ages. When I was on the rowing machine at the gym, I could hear my vanilla sloshing around inside. *Slosh...slosh...slosh* ... a little tiring to hear and feel it as I did my strokes! Eeeew. Kinda gross in a way.
Did 2 hours of cardio exercise, it wasn't too hard today, though I turned down the resistance just a little bit. At least I felt like my body was coping with it rather than wanting to give up completely. So it's good.
3 Foodpacks + Mousse mix + 100ml milk = 540
Dinner: Prawn stir-fry. (Prawns (70), Cabbage (60), Soy (10), Salad bag (60), 400g Iceberg (60)) = 260 = 800.
It's not like it matters what diets we all do - we're all going through the same emotions and struggles after all! Weight loss is a very difficult undertaking and at times it can feel extremely lonely. We are frought with challenges we didn't think were possible and the body, psychology and phyciology screams every day for us to stop what we're doing because in all honesty - this is quite unnatural in the great scheme of things. Weight loss in essence, on survival terms means there is a famine or great difficulty hence our instincts tell us to do the opposite of what we're trying to achieve for our wellbeing! No wonder diets are such miserable things. I know the feeling with the panic eating, I put on about 70lb on too! Trying to minimise damage, trying to diet, not being ready, panicing, eating more, restarting. Terrible cycle. If there is one thing I know about dieting, you actually have to be in the right place EMOTINALLY to even begin thinking about it. It doesn't help if there's just too much going on, and your year of working and travelling abroad certainly doesn't sound like a very calm place to be. However, I do hope it was enjoyable and a very enriching experience never the less! What do you do that required you to travel?
How is Lipotrim working for you? Is it also a food replacement VLCD, or are you doing a variation with a small portion of food involved like me? It's funny, Gracie, you got me thinking about flowers now... I really need to get a move on and sort my garden out! Moved into my new house in April last year and haven't done anything to the outside space yet... I want it to be quite vibrant and pretty.
I actually looked my national flowers up. Who thinks this crap up anyway? I didn't know the Russian flower was Chamomile? Some say it's the Sunflower but I doubt that. I do know that the Soviet Union had adopted the Carnation though, I remember those being plastered all over, us buying them for teachers at school and from old Soviet books when I was growing up. The Latvians apparently have the daisy. Good thing I really like daisies, the wild big ones are wonderful!Apart from that... Day 11.
Today has been ok. I think I had too much lettuce for dinner, I feel rather full now... But I didn't pick at all today, had my shakes as they're supposed to, had my bar for dessert after my meal... Does anyone else find that they burp alot after a foodpack? Like, it just sits in the stomach for ages. When I was on the rowing machine at the gym, I could hear my vanilla sloshing around inside. *Slosh...slosh...slosh* ... a little tiring to hear and feel it as I did my strokes! Eeeew. Kinda gross in a way.
Did 2 hours of cardio exercise, it wasn't too hard today, though I turned down the resistance just a little bit. At least I felt like my body was coping with it rather than wanting to give up completely. So it's good.
3 Foodpacks + Mousse mix + 100ml milk = 540
Dinner: Prawn stir-fry. (Prawns (70), Cabbage (60), Soy (10), Salad bag (60), 400g Iceberg (60)) = 260 = 800.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 12.
Uggghh... I feel fat today... I hate fat days!!
And what is it with my brain not clicking right? Slowly the self control is building, but it's soooooo sloooooww... Most of the time I have to give myself a convincing enough answer to stop eating, to not be compulsive with it... Considering that 2 weeks ago I was quite actively bingeing, technically speaking I'm doing quite well. I may be consuming too much lettuce, but... it's a means to an end. Slowly I think I will be able to control my behaviour so that I don't overdo the lettuce. I have no urge for any particular food and if I have a particular craving I can ignore it fine. It's just the eating, the motion of it, the need to chew something and not feel hungry. I think after quite a long period of starving myself - I've developed a fear of real hunger. It was an awful, lonely, painful feeling. Cold and in absolute despair - because it brought so much turmoil. I don't want to see that over controlling place again either. That's why I'm doing this diet with a slightly more relaxed pace. I'm keeping within the calorie limit, the weight loss if it happens is a great bonus... I wish I could do it with a greater feeling of success, but I guess for now I have to go with what my brain is capable of dealing with. If it means a little more grazing on lettuce during the day - of course not EVERY day, fighting the urges one step at a time, I know I'll get back to where I need to be.
At least... I hope.
Today: Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 505
Dinner: Quorn Bolognese. (100g Tin. Tomatoes (20), 75g Quorn (70), Mushrooms (75), Oxo (20), Salad (80)) = 265 = 770
Uggghh... I feel fat today... I hate fat days!!
And what is it with my brain not clicking right? Slowly the self control is building, but it's soooooo sloooooww... Most of the time I have to give myself a convincing enough answer to stop eating, to not be compulsive with it... Considering that 2 weeks ago I was quite actively bingeing, technically speaking I'm doing quite well. I may be consuming too much lettuce, but... it's a means to an end. Slowly I think I will be able to control my behaviour so that I don't overdo the lettuce. I have no urge for any particular food and if I have a particular craving I can ignore it fine. It's just the eating, the motion of it, the need to chew something and not feel hungry. I think after quite a long period of starving myself - I've developed a fear of real hunger. It was an awful, lonely, painful feeling. Cold and in absolute despair - because it brought so much turmoil. I don't want to see that over controlling place again either. That's why I'm doing this diet with a slightly more relaxed pace. I'm keeping within the calorie limit, the weight loss if it happens is a great bonus... I wish I could do it with a greater feeling of success, but I guess for now I have to go with what my brain is capable of dealing with. If it means a little more grazing on lettuce during the day - of course not EVERY day, fighting the urges one step at a time, I know I'll get back to where I need to be.
At least... I hope.
Today: Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 505
Dinner: Quorn Bolognese. (100g Tin. Tomatoes (20), 75g Quorn (70), Mushrooms (75), Oxo (20), Salad (80)) = 265 = 770
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 13.
Strange how the mind plays tricks on you... I feel as if I've failed today, completely and utterly. Not sure why. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere at all. I think my time at the gym was the culprit - I just couldn't push my body. I did an hour and 20 minutes doing light cardio, but it feels like I've taken a big step back in how much I can handle doing, resistance and energy expenditure. My greatest workouts, I have to admit were when I had quite a lot of carb-heavy food the day before, but since I've not been having anything like that in the last two weeks, my strength has diminished dramatically when I compare it to those carb-full muscle days. Such a massive contrast. I really hope I can get through this, I will keep going to the gym 3 times per week, though maybe to break the boredom, go to an exercise class every once in a while? I just don't want to be the fatty in the back lacking complete coordination with the moves... Oh well... exercise is exercise... Even if I do make a complete fool of myself.
Food wise I didn't do badly at all, I kept to my foodpacks and had my dinner all in one go - rather than scattered throughout the day. It definitely helps when my partner is at home... His presence regulates my behaviour... It's definitely harder when I'm on my own. I need to work on that.
Food:
2 foodpacks + milk = 375
Chicken cabbage stirfry: (250g Mushrooms (40), 200g Cabbage (60), 100g Cooked Chicken (110), 100g Tomatoes (20), 20g Soy (10), 200g Salad (30)) = 270 = 645
Have my weigh in tomorrow... we'll see how I've done... ugh...
Also, my body's digestion and stuff... how it feels... just isn't so great. I feel like I'm eating a whole bucket load of chemicals... I'd gotten used to eating quite pure food, I never buy ready meals and usually would have cooked from scratch pretty much most of my food... and these foodpacks and water flavours.. just... ew. Chemicals.
Strange how the mind plays tricks on you... I feel as if I've failed today, completely and utterly. Not sure why. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere at all. I think my time at the gym was the culprit - I just couldn't push my body. I did an hour and 20 minutes doing light cardio, but it feels like I've taken a big step back in how much I can handle doing, resistance and energy expenditure. My greatest workouts, I have to admit were when I had quite a lot of carb-heavy food the day before, but since I've not been having anything like that in the last two weeks, my strength has diminished dramatically when I compare it to those carb-full muscle days. Such a massive contrast. I really hope I can get through this, I will keep going to the gym 3 times per week, though maybe to break the boredom, go to an exercise class every once in a while? I just don't want to be the fatty in the back lacking complete coordination with the moves... Oh well... exercise is exercise... Even if I do make a complete fool of myself.
Food wise I didn't do badly at all, I kept to my foodpacks and had my dinner all in one go - rather than scattered throughout the day. It definitely helps when my partner is at home... His presence regulates my behaviour... It's definitely harder when I'm on my own.
I need to work on that.Food:
2 foodpacks + milk = 375
Chicken cabbage stirfry: (250g Mushrooms (40), 200g Cabbage (60), 100g Cooked Chicken (110), 100g Tomatoes (20), 20g Soy (10), 200g Salad (30)) = 270 = 645
Have my weigh in tomorrow... we'll see how I've done... ugh...
Also, my body's digestion and stuff... how it feels... just isn't so great. I feel like I'm eating a whole bucket load of chemicals... I'd gotten used to eating quite pure food, I never buy ready meals and usually would have cooked from scratch pretty much most of my food... and these foodpacks and water flavours.. just... ew. Chemicals.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 14.
Another 3lbs off this week, that's good. Went for a walk with my boyfriend after the meeting, mostly to go to Waitrose to pick up bits and pieces for cooking a meal for his mum for Mother's Day tomorrow. He's so worried about what I can eat and made a right fuss about all the 'right' vegetables and meat, bless him.
At least we bought his mum a nice gift too, an iPad case from the Cath Kidston shop. Such tacky stuff in there, some of it reminds me the stuff my grans had all over the place. The textures and fabrics are really oldly worldly... But the lavander sock-drawer bags reminded me of my grandparents too... Was nice in a way. Might go back there and buy some Rose scented hand lotion for my Stepmum for Mother's Day too. It smelled really lovely... Tempted to buy myself some even though I don't even like hand creams! Then again, it's only because I love the way roses smell. So delicate.
I am finding I'm generally feeling less hungry during the day... I'm drinking a lot of hot drinks so that definitely helps. But I still am pushing to make my dinner big - volume wise. I feel guilty about eating 'so much' and feel like I fail the diet, even though I'm well within the calorie limits. Bingeing on lettuce so to speak... I need to fix it... Little by little I guess I'm working on it... I know it's a problem with binge type behaviour, but I do find it's easy to resist temptation to eat anything more calorific or off plan. It's not the cravings or anything in particular... Just the ... need to feel full and not deprived. Not bloated mind you... Just quite full. It's just playing havic on the success/failure feelings... But the equation of success can be faulty too, because deep down, I know that success in dieting for me means being able to not eat at all... I'm not sure I want to go back to that. It wasn't a healthy place to be...
Like always, I need to find the balance, and with Lite, I think I'm slowly finding it again...
Food today: 2 Foodpacks + Milk = 375
Prawn Salad (70g Prawns (70), Soy (10), 200g Cabbage (60), 100g Cherry Tomatoes (20), Bagged Salad (120)) = 280 = 655
600g Lettuce = 90 = 745
Another 3lbs off this week, that's good.
Went for a walk with my boyfriend after the meeting, mostly to go to Waitrose to pick up bits and pieces for cooking a meal for his mum for Mother's Day tomorrow. He's so worried about what I can eat and made a right fuss about all the 'right' vegetables and meat, bless him. At least we bought his mum a nice gift too, an iPad case from the Cath Kidston shop. Such tacky stuff in there, some of it reminds me the stuff my grans had all over the place. The textures and fabrics are really oldly worldly... But the lavander sock-drawer bags reminded me of my grandparents too... Was nice in a way. Might go back there and buy some Rose scented hand lotion for my Stepmum for Mother's Day too. It smelled really lovely... Tempted to buy myself some even though I don't even like hand creams! Then again, it's only because I love the way roses smell.
So delicate. I am finding I'm generally feeling less hungry during the day... I'm drinking a lot of hot drinks so that definitely helps. But I still am pushing to make my dinner big - volume wise. I feel guilty about eating 'so much' and feel like I fail the diet, even though I'm well within the calorie limits. Bingeing on lettuce so to speak... I need to fix it... Little by little I guess I'm working on it... I know it's a problem with binge type behaviour, but I do find it's easy to resist temptation to eat anything more calorific or off plan. It's not the cravings or anything in particular... Just the ... need to feel full and not deprived. Not bloated mind you... Just quite full. It's just playing havic on the success/failure feelings... But the equation of success can be faulty too, because deep down, I know that success in dieting for me means being able to not eat at all... I'm not sure I want to go back to that. It wasn't a healthy place to be...
Like always, I need to find the balance, and with Lite, I think I'm slowly finding it again...
Food today: 2 Foodpacks + Milk = 375
Prawn Salad (70g Prawns (70), Soy (10), 200g Cabbage (60), 100g Cherry Tomatoes (20), Bagged Salad (120)) = 280 = 655
600g Lettuce = 90 = 745
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 16.
Finding it really difficult lately. I'm getting more upset and a lot of things are weighing down in my mind... I want to eat sometimes, but the reminder that there's a LL meeting at the end of the week prevents anything crazy from happening...
Yesterday I got left alone in a bad mood as well... I did very well all day having a very light meat at my boyfriend's parents, but something happened and something he said to me hurt me on a deeply personal level and I felt like a freak. I laughed it off to him even though I was hurt. He left to watch 'Wrestlemania' at his friends' house and I was left with my thoughts... Not a good thing... A whole cabbage later... I felt rather full. It dulled the pain somewhat at least, phased out the bad thoughts. I didn't have anything that I wasn't 'allowed' but just too much of it. One raw savoy cabbage too much.
I know calorie wise I didn't completely bugger up, I estimated on the larger scale of everything I had including foodpacks etc. I had about 1200 which is still inside a 'calorie deficit' boundary. Just about. But probably would have knocked myself out of ketosis, but I guess I don't care about that. I'm more here to try to sort my head out and it's try to deal with situations exactly like this which don't completely spiral out of control. I guess in this case it did and it didn't. I ate too much when I wasn't hungry, but I didn't eat with 'no brain' - there was some dietary consideration involved. I dunno.. am I winning or am I losing?
I'm also finding it hard to equate eating and food to weight gain or loss. Eating smaller amounts of calories, I just can't understand it on a level that will make me lose weight. It just feels like a futile exercise. Likewise I don't quite understand when I do eat something - how it will express itself upon my ass later. Why does it? How does it? I know the body physics and the explanation for it all. But knowing it on an x = y logic, that action (a) will result in consequence (b) when I'm actually DOING it, I still stuggle. But I guess we all have difficulty with this one. I doubt anyone actively thinks - 'I shouldn't have this cookie because it'll fill out my ass fat cell!' ...
Then again I have felt myself getting fat, the creeping tingling under the skin. Slowly filling out, pushing outwards... Not nice.
Didn't go to the gym today, I felt so downtrodden and depressed.. Spent the day with my boyfriend instead, we went for a short walk into town, he got himself some ingredients to cook a Beef&Guiness slow-cook casserole after eyeing up some Beef&Guiness pastry pies - but he's quite conscious about the calories, he tries to avoid pies with pastries and stuff. And what a better way to do it - cook your own!
Then we went to a garden centre and picked up two small redcurrant bushes. Planted them, I hope they survive and do well! My next job is to get some flowers sorted out, dig out some flower beds and sort the lawn out... At least the garden's quite small so it doesn't need too much work.
Tomorrow I will be working on a covering letter and fixing my CV up for an internship. I'm quite nervous about it, it just seems so perfect. I'd be absolutely retarded not to give it my best shot and apply! It's to do with working and analysing policy documents within the Criminal Justice arena for a very well known Penal Reform charity. I think I have a real shot at it on paper with my qualifications and interests, but I just hope I find the confidence in myself... How can someone else believe in my abilities if I don't believe in myself first? .. Give me strength.
As for food choice this evening, not sure yet... Will edit this message later with whatever I had...
But so far: Day 15: 1200ish (wasn't counting properly)
Day 16: Milk + Foodpacks = 375
Dinner: Chicken Mushroom Curry. (100g Chicken (110), 250g Mushrooms (40), 300g Tin. Tomatoes (50), 100g Iceberg (15), 65g Tomato (15), Salad (30)) = 260 = 635
Finding it really difficult lately. I'm getting more upset and a lot of things are weighing down in my mind... I want to eat sometimes, but the reminder that there's a LL meeting at the end of the week prevents anything crazy from happening...
Yesterday I got left alone in a bad mood as well... I did very well all day having a very light meat at my boyfriend's parents, but something happened and something he said to me hurt me on a deeply personal level and I felt like a freak. I laughed it off to him even though I was hurt. He left to watch 'Wrestlemania' at his friends' house and I was left with my thoughts... Not a good thing... A whole cabbage later... I felt rather full. It dulled the pain somewhat at least, phased out the bad thoughts. I didn't have anything that I wasn't 'allowed' but just too much of it. One raw savoy cabbage too much.
I know calorie wise I didn't completely bugger up, I estimated on the larger scale of everything I had including foodpacks etc. I had about 1200 which is still inside a 'calorie deficit' boundary. Just about. But probably would have knocked myself out of ketosis, but I guess I don't care about that. I'm more here to try to sort my head out and it's try to deal with situations exactly like this which don't completely spiral out of control. I guess in this case it did and it didn't. I ate too much when I wasn't hungry, but I didn't eat with 'no brain' - there was some dietary consideration involved. I dunno.. am I winning or am I losing?
I'm also finding it hard to equate eating and food to weight gain or loss. Eating smaller amounts of calories, I just can't understand it on a level that will make me lose weight. It just feels like a futile exercise. Likewise I don't quite understand when I do eat something - how it will express itself upon my ass later. Why does it? How does it? I know the body physics and the explanation for it all. But knowing it on an x = y logic, that action (a) will result in consequence (b) when I'm actually DOING it, I still stuggle. But I guess we all have difficulty with this one. I doubt anyone actively thinks - 'I shouldn't have this cookie because it'll fill out my ass fat cell!' ...
Then again I have felt myself getting fat, the creeping tingling under the skin. Slowly filling out, pushing outwards... Not nice.
Didn't go to the gym today, I felt so downtrodden and depressed.. Spent the day with my boyfriend instead, we went for a short walk into town, he got himself some ingredients to cook a Beef&Guiness slow-cook casserole after eyeing up some Beef&Guiness pastry pies - but he's quite conscious about the calories, he tries to avoid pies with pastries and stuff.
And what a better way to do it - cook your own!Then we went to a garden centre and picked up two small redcurrant bushes.
Planted them, I hope they survive and do well! My next job is to get some flowers sorted out, dig out some flower beds and sort the lawn out... At least the garden's quite small so it doesn't need too much work. Tomorrow I will be working on a covering letter and fixing my CV up for an internship. I'm quite nervous about it, it just seems so perfect. I'd be absolutely retarded not to give it my best shot and apply! It's to do with working and analysing policy documents within the Criminal Justice arena for a very well known Penal Reform charity. I think I have a real shot at it on paper with my qualifications and interests, but I just hope I find the confidence in myself... How can someone else believe in my abilities if I don't believe in myself first? .. Give me strength.
As for food choice this evening, not sure yet... Will edit this message later with whatever I had...
But so far: Day 15: 1200ish (wasn't counting properly)
Day 16: Milk + Foodpacks = 375
Dinner: Chicken Mushroom Curry. (100g Chicken (110), 250g Mushrooms (40), 300g Tin. Tomatoes (50), 100g Iceberg (15), 65g Tomato (15), Salad (30)) = 260 = 635
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Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 17.
Feeling upset and emotional. I wonder why. And it's been made worse by constant eating of lettuce... Felt the need to chew and keep chewing... I don't want anything, not craving something particular at all. Just want to eat. Doesn't matter what... Been eating all day. ... Dark day. Failed day. Have to keep trying to fix the binge behaviour. I have to win in the end. I have to keep trying. Every day is a new beginning, a new chance to learn to get it right and a way to lessen the impulse. Like an addict I'm fighting a deep addiction. Life long need to eat compulsively. I can't surpress it like I did last time because experience has shown that it just explodes in the end. Worse than it used to be, with multiplied intensity.
I have to tackle this addiction to bingeing head on... One step, one day, at a time. Even it means a lot of lettuce, I will win. I know I will.
Food today, consisted of ... I don't even want to think about how much lettuce, but about 4 Iceberg heads. 1 Foodpack, 100ml milk in coffee, a bit of broccoli, mushrooms, a green bell pepper and some tomatoes.
Total of about 950 calories for the day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Feeling upset and emotional. I wonder why. And it's been made worse by constant eating of lettuce... Felt the need to chew and keep chewing... I don't want anything, not craving something particular at all. Just want to eat. Doesn't matter what... Been eating all day. ... Dark day. Failed day. Have to keep trying to fix the binge behaviour. I have to win in the end. I have to keep trying. Every day is a new beginning, a new chance to learn to get it right and a way to lessen the impulse. Like an addict I'm fighting a deep addiction. Life long need to eat compulsively. I can't surpress it like I did last time because experience has shown that it just explodes in the end. Worse than it used to be, with multiplied intensity.
I have to tackle this addiction to bingeing head on... One step, one day, at a time. Even it means a lot of lettuce, I will win. I know I will.
Food today, consisted of ... I don't even want to think about how much lettuce, but about 4 Iceberg heads. 1 Foodpack, 100ml milk in coffee, a bit of broccoli, mushrooms, a green bell pepper and some tomatoes.
Total of about 950 calories for the day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Iveabigask
Skelator Here I come
Aw Jesus Minerva, I'm so sad reading your diary. You're doing so well, stop being so hard on yourself. Remember you are in control of yourself and what you eat. Dont let the demon win!!!!!!! You'll get through this and you'll feel amazing for it!!!
Chin up honeybee, it's a new day and a new start
Ask xxxx
Chin up honeybee, it's a new day and a new start
Ask xxxx
gracielou09
Silver Member
Oh hun, your so down on yourself...if I had a binge it'd be a lot worse than cabbage I can tell you!!!
Is it just the food side of things or are you still upset about the comment made by your OH? If it is talk to him about it, I bet he would be mortified if he knew you were so upset!
The job sounds amazing, go for it chick!
Is it just the food side of things or are you still upset about the comment made by your OH? If it is talk to him about it, I bet he would be mortified if he knew you were so upset!
The job sounds amazing, go for it chick!
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 18.
Thanks girls... It means a lot that you've stopped by and offered a few words of encouragement... Makes the whole thing feel a little less lonely I guess. I'm slowly fighting the demon, he's quite strong at the moment, but today I wrestled him down and won. I managed - partly because it was such a beautiful day! Did some gardening, feeling good. And sent the application for the internship, woop! The only problem is that it sounds a little bit like the way I dress and act are integral parts of it... I have no idea how to dress smartly and like a woman... ... Maybe this is where I regret hating those shows about 'what to wear/what not to wear' and all this Gok Wan rubbish. I'm not a girl by any means, slap on some jeans and an old t-shirt and that's me... And that is a BIG PROBLEM right now!! ARGHHH! How do I even style my hair? I think the only make-up product I actually know how to apply is eyeliner and that's it... eeeeegh. A lot to learn. I look at women on the street in awe - all made-up, combed, styled, in sleek skirts and heels and cute blouses... When I try any of those sorts of clothes on, I look like some kind of scarecrow. A SCARECROW! ... And I don't have any friends who can help. ...time to watch some 4oD on style advice, eh...
As for the thing that has been bothering me lately...
So in some deep corner of myself I secretly want to get married, have that day of my partner and I being celebrated, have that ceremonial tie binding us together. I don't need it on paper - my partner and I are happy together as it is! But I guess, I want it a little bit official, that knowledge that it's permanent now... We can settle down, maybe think about kids and what-not... The 'permission' to think about making a 'home' if you will.
He doesn't want to get married yet - he wants to finish University first so that he could have the finances for such a thing... Which is a good, and responsible thing... I guess as I write it out here it makes me realise my feelings are unjustified. I said I didn't want to wait that long, but I guess in some sense I didn't think about the practical side... I thought about the emotional, and my emotional side screamed at me that the longer he leaves it - the more it means he doesn't even want to marry 'someone like me'. Which is where that feeling of a freak comes in, because he said in the heat of the moment 'There's issues we still need to discuss and work on before anything like that'. I knew what he meant by it but he didn't want to discuss it further. ...Still. It made me feel like some kind of monster - I guess I do get down about myself, about many things...
The comment from my OH was a silly thing. We've been together for 5 and a half years, have our ups and downs - we're inseperable and we're best friends on many levels. But ... in all honesty we do have a hole in our relationship that does need working on ... the sex life. It's nearly non-existent due to fault of my own. I'm not even sure how to fix it. I don't feel good about my body, then I don't feel like a woman at all sometimes, I look at women on TV and what-not, they're all such ... sex bunnies, horny all the time or... something. And I'm like.. how can you have sex so much?? ... I find it painful physically and emotionally. Past experiences have left me feeling very vulnerable in that respect too, guys have used me and it's tainted the whole experience that's supposed to be a healthy part of a relationship. Then, the medical issue of my periods completely disappearing... The pill I was on for a few years before stopped periods, but I stopped taking it 2 years ago, it should have recovered by now. Chasing NHS doctors about this, isn't fun... Ran the bloodtests, scanned for polycystic ovaries - everything's fine, normal - top notch, as it should be... But, alas, no periods still. And no, I'm not pregnant. Something is wrong and I feel like a freak.
Ehh... so yeah... a heavy thought. Hopefully it'll get solved with time.
Food today was good: 130ml milk + 2 foodpacks = 385
Dinner: Chicken Stir-Fry: (55g Tomato (20), 90g Green Pepper (25), 160g Mushrooms (25), 100g Precooked Chicken (110), 50g Broccoli (20), Soy (10), Salad (50)) = 260 = 645
Thanks girls...
It means a lot that you've stopped by and offered a few words of encouragement... Makes the whole thing feel a little less lonely I guess. I'm slowly fighting the demon, he's quite strong at the moment, but today I wrestled him down and won. I managed - partly because it was such a beautiful day! Did some gardening, feeling good. And sent the application for the internship, woop! The only problem is that it sounds a little bit like the way I dress and act are integral parts of it... I have no idea how to dress smartly and like a woman... ... Maybe this is where I regret hating those shows about 'what to wear/what not to wear' and all this Gok Wan rubbish. I'm not a girl by any means, slap on some jeans and an old t-shirt and that's me... And that is a BIG PROBLEM right now!! ARGHHH! How do I even style my hair? I think the only make-up product I actually know how to apply is eyeliner and that's it... eeeeegh. A lot to learn. I look at women on the street in awe - all made-up, combed, styled, in sleek skirts and heels and cute blouses... When I try any of those sorts of clothes on, I look like some kind of scarecrow. A SCARECROW! ... And I don't have any friends who can help. ...time to watch some 4oD on style advice, eh...As for the thing that has been bothering me lately...
So in some deep corner of myself I secretly want to get married, have that day of my partner and I being celebrated, have that ceremonial tie binding us together. I don't need it on paper - my partner and I are happy together as it is! But I guess, I want it a little bit official, that knowledge that it's permanent now... We can settle down, maybe think about kids and what-not... The 'permission' to think about making a 'home' if you will.
He doesn't want to get married yet - he wants to finish University first so that he could have the finances for such a thing... Which is a good, and responsible thing... I guess as I write it out here it makes me realise my feelings are unjustified. I said I didn't want to wait that long, but I guess in some sense I didn't think about the practical side... I thought about the emotional, and my emotional side screamed at me that the longer he leaves it - the more it means he doesn't even want to marry 'someone like me'. Which is where that feeling of a freak comes in, because he said in the heat of the moment 'There's issues we still need to discuss and work on before anything like that'. I knew what he meant by it but he didn't want to discuss it further. ...Still. It made me feel like some kind of monster - I guess I do get down about myself, about many things...
The comment from my OH was a silly thing. We've been together for 5 and a half years, have our ups and downs - we're inseperable and we're best friends on many levels. But ... in all honesty we do have a hole in our relationship that does need working on ... the sex life. It's nearly non-existent due to fault of my own. I'm not even sure how to fix it. I don't feel good about my body, then I don't feel like a woman at all sometimes, I look at women on TV and what-not, they're all such ... sex bunnies, horny all the time or... something. And I'm like.. how can you have sex so much?? ... I find it painful physically and emotionally. Past experiences have left me feeling very vulnerable in that respect too, guys have used me and it's tainted the whole experience that's supposed to be a healthy part of a relationship. Then, the medical issue of my periods completely disappearing... The pill I was on for a few years before stopped periods, but I stopped taking it 2 years ago, it should have recovered by now. Chasing NHS doctors about this, isn't fun... Ran the bloodtests, scanned for polycystic ovaries - everything's fine, normal - top notch, as it should be... But, alas, no periods still. And no, I'm not pregnant. Something is wrong and I feel like a freak.
Ehh... so yeah... a heavy thought. Hopefully it'll get solved with time.
Food today was good: 130ml milk + 2 foodpacks = 385
Dinner: Chicken Stir-Fry: (55g Tomato (20), 90g Green Pepper (25), 160g Mushrooms (25), 100g Precooked Chicken (110), 50g Broccoli (20), Soy (10), Salad (50)) = 260 = 645
