Hi Minerva,
I have read many of your posts with interest and have to agree with Hannah that you are too harsh with yourself.
The above quote struck me somewhat. I have to disagree with you - it
is surprising that you were made to feel not good enough. Surprising and wrong. Firstly, you are clearly an intelligent woman, so your father could have no complaints there. Secondly, if you had not been so intelligent, surely someone with as high an IQ as your father would see how damaging to a child's self esteem to treat them as if they were not matching his expectations.
I think anyone with any level of IQ should be proud of such a intelligent and articulate daughter, even if you are too hard on yourself!
Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, it's the lack of food
Don't worry about your commentary, I guess if I think about the way I've portrayed my father to an outsider in such a line - it does seem very coldhearted. He's a wonderful and very knowleadgeable individual, very caring and kind, but I think he's slightly autistic. Extremely intelligent people like him lack a certain empathy, he understands people, but not on a basic human level. To some extent I have to 'think' about human interaction too, it doesn't come easily to me. I have to think about how something I do or say will affect someone else and why. Socialising is very difficult, I can't talk to people the way most people can... I have to almost 'pre-plan' conversations in my head? It sounds weird, but I have a whole bunch of scenarios to draw 'appropriate reactions' from. A joke, a smile, a surprised look, 'thinking face'. ... If something someone says catches me by surprise and I don't have a response for it, I start stuttering and actually freeze. Weird? Maybe. But I cope somehow.
I learn by observing my partner, who does most of the talking for me, thank god!
I also didn't grow up with my dad. After my mum died at the age of 4, my sister and I were sent off to live with my Latvian grandparents while my dad worked and lived in Russia with my other grandparents. At the age of 10 my dad remarried and we moved to London. All the time that we didn't see him, he was an idol, someone out of reach my sister and I were always trying to impress somehow. But he wasn't there. It's not so much that he doesn't appreciate what we do now, it's that something inside of me still yearns to satisfy a childhood hunger of being 'good enough' for a dad who just wasn't there a lot of the time.
Hi Minerva. Just wanted to echo what others have said about trying not to be too tough on yourself. Love yourself first. You are worth it.
(and my Dad was born in Latvia btw!)
Thank you Spangly.. How are you doing? I hope your OH is feeling better. I know you hear this a lot - 'stay strong'... but there is a silver lining on every rain cloud - it's just a matter of trying to catch a glimpse whenever you can.
*hug* Does that mean you have some Latvian blood in you? If so, then let me tell you, a Latvian never gives up and always walks forward even with the strongest wind pushing him back!
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Right... so days 23 & 24.
I just don't agree that I have to love myself though. Why? I haven't done anything to deserve it. So on that front, I'd appreciate if people stopped telling me that.
All I can do is be good to other people and love them as much as I can. Though I guess it does come back to something my old English teacher said in a lesson once, that if you can't love yourself, you are not able to love others... On some level, I guess it's true. I find it hard to understand why anyone would... or even COULD love me, so I don't see the point of holding on to friends and even, to some extent family. ... Furtunately for me, I've found a person, my boyfriend who's stuck on to me, as if my magical superglue. No matter how much I push him away, he just ... doesn't let go. He did save me from the brink of almost certain self-destruction. I only work on trying to like who I am for him, so that I can love him to the fullest extent that I can. I just wish, it wasn't so hard.
As for ...life...
I haven't done any exercise last week or this week, but my body feels less painful. Not muscular pain from exercise, but a deep exhaustion inside my bones that I had... It's nowhere near as bad. Does anyone else feel this way on LL? Like a permanent lethargy and deep ache if you have to move too much?
Just walking around too much makes my legs and body feel so heavy after a while, I'm not actually TIRED, but moving my body becomes a challenge. I know I feel this way whenever I'm in a calorie deficit sort of diet and the feeling goes away when I get enough energy through food. But, while I'm doing this, it's made considerably easier if instead of a foodpack I have about the equivalent amount of calories of vegetables over the course of the day - so a nibble here, a nibble there... Not sure why exactly. But it keeps the brain fog at bay too.
Ok, so I'm not doing the Lighter Life "thing" as strictly as I should... But I know calorie deficit energy in & out works equally. I'm sticking to the allowed food list, not straying from it and not even tempted to! Sticking to a rough guide of a VLCD sort of calories per day - which on average is 800 or below. I'm really just trying to get my head in the right place. I know I'll get there. Nearly 4 weeks done, the hardest part is over.
Now just to keep on going forward shedding those bad behaviours, hopefully for good...
Right, yesterday (Day 23) I had 840 calories.
And today (Day 24): 700.
Also our garden is nearly all spruced up! My partner is helping me and getting all excited about planting stuff! Bless him.
Driving me to all sorts of weird and wonderful garden centres. We made a raised vegetable bed, partly because our house is built where a carpark used to be 10 years ago, so the soil is really rubbish. Still, we'll make do, work with what we've got.
Now, we need to dig up the old ruined lawn and get a new one down. And of course, plant the carrots and radishes and lettuce! And the flowers. Oooooh. SO exciting.
