chris_s
Less of a man each day
Just a bit of a vent i'm afraid as well as asking the question, 'how do you move on?'
Just spent a lovely day with my kids, they live with their mum, and it started to get very emotional. It felt right to be there at long last. I felt bad that it's taken me 6 years to notice I have a wonderful loving and kind son. I had to go cause if i'd stayed i'd have started to get all bitter and resentful. I still love their mum dearly and just cannot let go at the moment. I still hope we can do all we wanted to, get married, have that honeymoon in Barbados and just enjoy the simple things in life again.
It's not going to happen, she doesn't want me in her life in that way and is happier without me.
I've done many wrong things and made many mistakes.
We got off on the wrong start together, her escaping a dead relationship and me jumping all to eagerly into my first and only relationship. There was friction and I was inexperienced, kniave and very childish.
I was very jelous, her male friends etc.
She felt she couldn't be herself and I did something I cannot forgive myself for. I'd never had anyone express an interest in me, let alone had a girlfriend. Early in our relationship I was nearly unfaithful. Well in a sense I was. Someone else expressed an interest in me and I fooled around with them. Didn't do 'the dead' but still cheated I guess. I've regretted it ever since and will always feel bad, can't expect the ex to forgive me as I can't forgive myself.
We had our son 6 years ago and I never really bonded with him. I nearly lost both of them on the operating table and when they brought my son out I didn't care, I was more concerned about my ex. I guess we grew apart from that point instead of together. I was always hard on my son and resentful. I didn't know how to handle him or my emotions. I thought he had taken his mother away from me. Pretty messed up I know. It caused a rift between us.
We had debt which put financial strain on us. I brought debt into our relationship and she had a little from her previous relationship. I accumulated more debt in the day to day humdrum of paying the bills etc and tried to hide it from her. I didn't want to worry her but see it was a stupid thing to do.
Over the 8 years there have been other incidents and lies, by trying to hide things I caused more pain than if I was upfront. I joined the Police Force which finally produced a decent wage. I also developed cancer. I put my priority into my worked and exhausted myself in it. I was always tired at home and didn't have time for the kids. I lost my way and who I was. I under performed and burnt myself up. Chemo completed I struggled on with my job. Alas it wasn't to be. I started gambling online. Not good, she found out about it and I managed to stop.
I split up with my ex around a year ago and moved out. I signed the house over to her and tried to be amicable. We got back together sort of for christmas and then split up again. I was too messed up mentally to complete my probationary period and lost my job. I was accepted for a decent job but I then discovered I'd relapsed. Originally it was going to be held open for me, but they changed their minds.
I had huge debt, no job, cancer relapse and felt pretty worthless. We got together again, perhaps part of it was sympathy, I fought off cancer a second time. We split up shortly afterwards.
I had some money come to me as a little payout for getting cancer. I'm debt free now, I took all the debt with me.
Sitting here now I'm nearly 30, pick up a nice car tmmrw, have two wonderful kids I cannot live with, live in a shared house which is unsuitable for the kids to stay at and my sickness benefit runs out this month and drops to jobseekers levels while I continue to look for work, many job applications have gone out so far this month with no replies.
I'm in a rut. I'm hoping the council will house me but who knows.
I have very few friends, I left everything to move 200miles and be with my ex.
I don't care about stuff anymore, i've been selfish and self absorbed.
I wish things were different, I still adore my ex and live in hope. However i've more chance of winning the lottery!
I don't know how to function. My entire life is seeing my kids when I can, slimming world, swimming, the gym, feeling i've failed and feeling sorry for myself.
That got me into this mess but it's hard to get out of that mindset. I feel wronged, abandoned, let down and un loved.
Any ideas how I get some friends and build a life again, doing it right and keeping my kids a part of it?
Just spent a lovely day with my kids, they live with their mum, and it started to get very emotional. It felt right to be there at long last. I felt bad that it's taken me 6 years to notice I have a wonderful loving and kind son. I had to go cause if i'd stayed i'd have started to get all bitter and resentful. I still love their mum dearly and just cannot let go at the moment. I still hope we can do all we wanted to, get married, have that honeymoon in Barbados and just enjoy the simple things in life again.
It's not going to happen, she doesn't want me in her life in that way and is happier without me.
I've done many wrong things and made many mistakes.
We got off on the wrong start together, her escaping a dead relationship and me jumping all to eagerly into my first and only relationship. There was friction and I was inexperienced, kniave and very childish.
I was very jelous, her male friends etc.
She felt she couldn't be herself and I did something I cannot forgive myself for. I'd never had anyone express an interest in me, let alone had a girlfriend. Early in our relationship I was nearly unfaithful. Well in a sense I was. Someone else expressed an interest in me and I fooled around with them. Didn't do 'the dead' but still cheated I guess. I've regretted it ever since and will always feel bad, can't expect the ex to forgive me as I can't forgive myself.
We had our son 6 years ago and I never really bonded with him. I nearly lost both of them on the operating table and when they brought my son out I didn't care, I was more concerned about my ex. I guess we grew apart from that point instead of together. I was always hard on my son and resentful. I didn't know how to handle him or my emotions. I thought he had taken his mother away from me. Pretty messed up I know. It caused a rift between us.
We had debt which put financial strain on us. I brought debt into our relationship and she had a little from her previous relationship. I accumulated more debt in the day to day humdrum of paying the bills etc and tried to hide it from her. I didn't want to worry her but see it was a stupid thing to do.
Over the 8 years there have been other incidents and lies, by trying to hide things I caused more pain than if I was upfront. I joined the Police Force which finally produced a decent wage. I also developed cancer. I put my priority into my worked and exhausted myself in it. I was always tired at home and didn't have time for the kids. I lost my way and who I was. I under performed and burnt myself up. Chemo completed I struggled on with my job. Alas it wasn't to be. I started gambling online. Not good, she found out about it and I managed to stop.
I split up with my ex around a year ago and moved out. I signed the house over to her and tried to be amicable. We got back together sort of for christmas and then split up again. I was too messed up mentally to complete my probationary period and lost my job. I was accepted for a decent job but I then discovered I'd relapsed. Originally it was going to be held open for me, but they changed their minds.
I had huge debt, no job, cancer relapse and felt pretty worthless. We got together again, perhaps part of it was sympathy, I fought off cancer a second time. We split up shortly afterwards.
I had some money come to me as a little payout for getting cancer. I'm debt free now, I took all the debt with me.
Sitting here now I'm nearly 30, pick up a nice car tmmrw, have two wonderful kids I cannot live with, live in a shared house which is unsuitable for the kids to stay at and my sickness benefit runs out this month and drops to jobseekers levels while I continue to look for work, many job applications have gone out so far this month with no replies.
I'm in a rut. I'm hoping the council will house me but who knows.
I have very few friends, I left everything to move 200miles and be with my ex.
I don't care about stuff anymore, i've been selfish and self absorbed.
I wish things were different, I still adore my ex and live in hope. However i've more chance of winning the lottery!
I don't know how to function. My entire life is seeing my kids when I can, slimming world, swimming, the gym, feeling i've failed and feeling sorry for myself.
That got me into this mess but it's hard to get out of that mindset. I feel wronged, abandoned, let down and un loved.
Any ideas how I get some friends and build a life again, doing it right and keeping my kids a part of it?