My metamorphosis log - final stage

20.11.09
In my head it is still 19.11 as am in work and yet to go to bed. Been absent due to girly xmas shopping day with mom, then staying over and now work.
Xmas shopping got distracted by new bras for me. needed one to give oomph and go under the dress for Sun to stop what little i have popping out. Got measured by a lovely lady in debenhams who reckons i am a 34D!!! No wonder the 36A's didn't fit. She said that although my boobs are deflated, they are still there, and just need the right support. (bit wierd as i have never been measured this big, recall being put at a 42A once though?!) Put me in padded balcony styles which she says are best for saggy flaps- amazingly they look great. My boobs don't really fill the bra but it does make me look like i've got some which is great. It was enlightening and i could get quite into underwear shopping. Never had chance before cos choice was so limited in 42back size. Heres hoping i get a bit more roundness then Katy where i want it;)!
Food: 18.11.09: tuna/cottage cheese/salad leaves. Good day- behaved but need more water. 19.1109 same. Oh sugar, just realised that i ate some chicken breast in the day as my meal, but forgot about this and made tuna to take to work overnight. So that means i have had a protein portion extra- oops! Braindead moment- must not happen again.
Planning day off plan for Christening on Sunday. Cousin has invited loads of people and having a fair 'do' after. It'l be my first one since the start on 1st July so a bit excited, and hence trying to be really good between now and then so i can give myself this leeway. Hope to still make ok choices, reduced carb, but not as harsh as 810. Having said that, not sure if there will be any 'good' choices knowing her!
Feeling a bit rough, keep getting sore throat and that wierd dripping at the back of throat. Yuck! NHS buildings are not healthy places to be...:(.
Off to do spot of cleaning before day shift arrive. xx
 
Be really, really careful about food at the christening. I only mention it because I came unstuck at my daughter's wedding and have never really got properly 'stuck on' again.
I was warned by KD but thought I'd be ok. I wasn't. Of course you may have more willpower than me....
Hope you have a lovely day whatever you do. xx
ps The boobs do improve a bit, don't worry!
 
21.11.09
Back at work again. Having an ok day. Did nibble a little bit when i got home this morning, (chicken/raisins/square choc) no idea why but not too bad so not going to fret. It was just one of those 'have to eat something' moments, just to chew...! Was in danger of becoming a full blown binge but did manage to halt self so quite pleased with that.


My scales are moving lower again, not wanting to get too excited, but they are hinting at 9st 13lb. An absolute first.:D Now not too sure what to do, whilst i still have a fat layer, i can see bones/ribs and realise that a lot of the problem is saggy skin, and only time/toning may help that. My family are now starting to say i should stop, and whilst i will ultimately do what i want, they have been so supportive i do not want to cause upset. Also i just do not know what size i want to be? This is a really wierd situation, and i wonder if it is inpart due to the fact that focusing on losing is going to be easier than focusing on maintaining. This sounds wierd but havng been fat for so long, 10stone sounds normal, wheras 9stone sounds skinny and just bizarre to think i could fall in that range. I think i may just move up to 1000 after next WI in on wed, and do that for a few weeks, and just see what happens. Then go up a plan every 2 weeks... food for thought. Just thinking aloud again...! Going to have to start collecting recipes and ideas for the higher plans.

Food: plain cod(herbs and lemon), salad leaves and cottage cheese. Made a nice change. Going to have to start getting a bit more inventive, its too easy to stick to the same simple foods, which take little effort. Got to start to get head round cooking for me as a norm again. Exercise: woke by 5 and decided that i would be good and went out for a bike ride. Only around the local area, mostly flat with a few very gentle inclines (but enough for my level of fitness!:rolleyes:). Only did about 25mins but really enjoyed it and felt pleased with self. I want anything i plan to do to be something i can maintain hopefully, not just a flash in the pan, so will start small...!
Got busy few days, got to wait in for delivery of christening present tomorrow morning, may have a sleep. Then friend and her girls coming for afternoon and tea. Then got to get ready to go to family early sun am to prepare for the day. Will try to lurk when i can.
I understand what you mean Bess about putting self in temptations way, still a bit undecided. Leaning towards giving it a go, i need to do functions as a non cd'er at some point, and evaluate how i cope, and not sure if i want to wait til xmas to test how i go as that period just lasts too long! Will probably decide when i see if there are any healthy options there, i don't want to carb load and feel awful.
Speak soon xx
 
Morning Butterfly, hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the Christening.

I totally agree with your comments about losing being easier than maintaining - that is how I feel at the moment (don't want to scare you!)

Great news about 9.13 - what a fab number.

Am sure you will make good choices at the Christening - enjoy x
 
Thanks Wales. Fret not about 'scaring' me. I'd rather be scared and freaked by it all, and realistic than run around thinking it was easy. I need to hear about the bad bits. At least if i have some understanding of what lies ahead i may be less likely to get all complacent and go and put my weight back on again. Don't want to have to rely on the safety of ss and cd forever. It just not the sort of normality i want to live with. xx
 
Butterfly, just been catching up on your diary, really enjoy reading it. Sorry haven't posted on it much, not been keeping well, waiting to go into hopsital for an op.

I think you are doing really well and have the right thinking as you approach maintenance - knowing it is going to be a challenge. Your weight loss & current weight is about the same as mine (l'm only 5'3"), except you've achieved it in a shorter space of time (l took a bit of a scenic route :copon:).
Congratulations on your success. :happy096:
 
Hi Butterfly - Well done on being 9st 13lbs - that's my secret goal. My official goal was 10st 7lbs, but I decided to declare goal at 10st 10 as I struggled to lose any more. I would still like to get down to under 10 stone though even if only for a day :)

Bras are funny! I remember the first time I was measured - I had been buying a 38B for ages and I measured a 36E...

I got measured recently and I was a 32E which means that my boobs haven't reduced that much (was 36E/F before I started CD) but I've lost quite a bit around the chest.

Going up the plans is quite scary as it gets harder and harder to less strict the diet is (sounds weird but I think we all know it's true) but we are learning life skills here and it will be worth it in the end!

Hope you have a lovely weekend!
 
Thanks DP and Alli for your comments. It does feel a bit surreal sometimes. Saw a friend today hadn't seen since beginning of cd, she was so shocked- it was lovely!

Its funny, i was ever so nervous about starting a diary. I haven't ever used a forum before minis, and there was this hint of angst that i wouldn't fit in or be accepted, or that there may be little cliques on different areas of the forum that i wouldn't know about and would end up feeling uncomfortable. Now, unless i am just blind to any such issues ( i do tend to be the last one to pick up on such gossip-like things) it just is the opposite. I love being on here, find it so useful to have my introspective waffles, and if i gain advice and support along the way that is most certainly a bonus. So thankyou to all.

Had busy day, only 1.5hrs sleep, cleaning, visitors and late to eat/settle for the night, wrapping pressie. Feeling tired but not wanting to go to bed yet, although i ought to. Feeling a bit under the weather, have a sniffle still that is just beginning to annoy me, wish it would just come or go, instead of just lurking every evening.
Food: Had stupid moment, can't remember. Oh yeah, naughty nibbles on ham/cheese in morning. meal of quorn pieces in curried style stock and courgettes. Too much, couldn't finish it at all.
Exercise: no chance with my day. Only just got 5 mins to myself at last, so i'll be scuppered if i'm prancing around at 1130pm.

Not quite sure what the nibbling is about, just feeling the need to eat, even if it is healthy stuff. Probably feeling tired not helped. May just be my bodys way of agreeing to move up plans. Although i have to get a whole lot more organised with planning meals. Am sitting here now, and the sqare of dark choc in the fridge is just screaming at me, going to run to bed and hide in a minute!

May not be about tomorrow xx
 
Morning Butterfly - your description of how you feel about writing a diary and using a forum could've been typed by me - I have never posted anything on line and certainly never written a diary, and too wondered about fitting in. And you are right about Minis, it is amazing how much support you can get or even just acknowledgement on posting your thoughts. I haven't kept a diary since I was about 13 (when it was about boys, and how unfair my life was!) and I have found it really useful to record my thoughts and feelings. I also found it very revealing posting in the weight loss forum when I was on SS, I learnt alot about myself - which is always a bonus!

The mind chatter is hard, certainly once you introduce more food and increase your calories. But you are doing fab, and there is nothing better than seeing someone who hasn't seen you in ages and it is then that you remember just what changes you have made!

x
 
Butterfly & Wales, me too with the whole minis/diary/maintainers thing. I have never come across this kind of support and to be honest the last place I imagined I'd ever find it was on a net forum. But I guess we have a lot in common understanding the CD journey and then again our differences make for some interesting o/t chat. It's lovely, and unexpected, and it helps to keep us focused too!

And I had to smile reading about your undies shopping, I posted a euphoric bra-shopping post back in May, had never had nice undies before and couldn't believe how good it made me feel... hooray for the balcony bra!

Have a great time today at christening... enjoy. Whatever you decide, I think you'll be OK!

xxx
 
22.11.09

Good morning, esp to Wales and Katy- you are early risers for a Sunday...! Have free morning now, which is lovely. Cousin has finished prep so not needing to go over till the Actual Christening which is better.
Not got much to say, except on a plus(for a change), i am actually feeling quite stuffed and bloated, (quorn overload i think) so will reduce risk of being too naughty tonight, as i want to feel better!
Hope everyone has a great Sunday. xx
 
Just a quick one, had a great time, I'm not reigious in any way shape or form so found the service a bit uncomfortable at times. Making promises i know i won't keep. But to tie myself to this beautiful little baby, and know i'll be there for her throughout her life is very touching and drew a tear or two :eek:.

Food: planned to eat off plan, i chose the salad, and mostly a few meaty nibbles, stuff on stick and the like/ chicken. So that not too bad, only a baby plate anyway, pastry stuff just does not hold the appeal it once did. I did nibble some cheese and onion crisps as a treat. And.... on returning home i have had a small chicken kebab and salad! But, i have enjoyed every bit of it, my scales are already showing a huge gain - (up to3-4lb clothed!!) but this may be due to other nibbling as well as today. I am not bothered, i am having a cup of tea with milk now and intend to have a square of dark chocolate later. I will wake up tomorrow and start afresh, hopefully within a week the gain will drop cos there is no way i've ate enough for it to be fat- its more than likely glycogen gain. All in all, a lovely guilt free day. Its my first off plan, and i am determined to just let it remain as a single enjoyable day and not degenerate into a binge long week, its how i need to be long term after all.:rolleyes:. Do you know... of all the things i have had, this cup of tea is divine!!
Off to relax with OH, speak soon xx
 
It's really nice to be a godparent. I was so pleased to be asked to be one for my nephew and niece.
Sounds like you did well with your food choices at the christening and importantly enjoyed the day. Once you are back on plan any small gain will disappear & you'll probably lose a bit more too.
 
Hey Butterfly, well done on your very controlled off plan day! I too was at a christening and enjoyed the day it wad fab. only a smal bit of stuffing and a little potato so not too bad at all. I think you're doing fab, love the 9.13 on the scales (mine saying the same at the mo!) it's just seems a big leap from 10, weird isn't it.
Have a fab week!

xx
 
After being inspired by Wales' very honest entry lately i am back to confess. I am not being truly honest with self and that won't help me do this. I have just pigged out.....:cry:I have just had an 'eat anything in sight' few hours. Bowl icecream,pkt choc buttons, breadstick x2, cracker x3, raisins (handful), pinch of cheese, 3 squares dk choc, 6+ salted pretzels. Think thats it, but can't be sure... I even waited for OH to goto bed so i could have some things. My head was just in that, 'i'm starting tomorrow' mode, where it then seems a good excuse to eat any old crap. I didn't want it, my stomach feels uncomfy, it was one of those horrible 'can't stop' moments where you just feel you 'have to' do it. I really don't get that feeling, almost like an addictive drive... completely nonsensical. This has happenned quite a few times whilst I've been on CD and i have managed to get back on track again, and know i will this time. Its times like this when in the past i may have been tempted to make self sick, but don't want to go down that road now and develop a whole new problem. Need to live with the consequences of my actions, learn and move on... I feel similar to others, in that you feel like you're letting people down on here by doing this, especially as i haven't even started to eat properly yet! I know nobody would feel this was the case, but it doesn't stop the feeling being there anyway.
Do 'normal' non fat people ever eat like this, like they have no control? I know how i need to act, i have all the logical arguments in my head, so what makes me do something that is so stupid and really not what i want in my heart. I wish there was just a way you could just stop it ever hapenning. Makes me feel weak, and i don't like that, not when i have come so far. Brings home just how much hard work i need to do to control myself.
Sorry for the self indulgent waffle, can't just pretend, i promised myself more than that. xx
 
Hugs Butterfly. Am sorry you had this moment, but that is all it was, a moment.

You sound very strong and focussed to keep on track, today is a new day but I wish I could banish the phrase "i'm starting tomorrow" from my mind too.

Have a good day x
 
Just sending good wishes for a focused & positive day Butterfly... getting back on track will help your mood, I know. You did fine... add up those offplan foods and they are not so very bad, it is the out of control feeling that is the scariest bit I guess. As you say, we have all been there, but knowing that doesn't always help you at the time!

I think that 'normal' eating can cover good and bad choices and that someone could eat the things you did... but perhaps without the feelings of shame, planning to be alone/secret to eat, and the feeling of being out of control. Those are the things I am trying to work on... trying to look at the behaviour more than just the food.

Big hugs Butterfly, I hope today is a good one for you... don't waste too much time looking back, move on forwards.

xxx
 
Butterfly, sending you a hug. Well done for being upfront & honest. The road to long term maintenance is bound to have it ups & downs, but at least you are on that road.
Sometimes l've been surprised (& annoyed!) at myself re food l've eaten, just when l think me scoffing something without thinking is in the past l go & do it again. :( I can control it better than l did in the past & l get over the guilt much quicker, but it still happens. At the moment l'm having to be very careful with what l eat as l'm waiting to go into hospital for a gallbladder operation, so it's a sort of enforced maintenance for me just now. After the op hope l don't go crazy & eat everything in site. :eek: :rolleyes:

Hope today goes well for you. I find the day or so after a day off plan quite hard, but once your mind & body get back into the "CD zone" it's easier again.
 
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Hey butterfly, well done on being so honest and open with your wobble there. ...its best to share and that way we can all help each other and you realise you're not the only one that has feelings like this sometimes.
Hope all was well today hun!
xx
 
23.11.09

Thankyou to everyone. Being able to share and know others understand makes a huge difference. Had a good day i am pleased to report, no naughties, and i even managed the ignore the demon that was telling me to eat my DD leftovers! (that one often wins...even if its just a spoonful)

I agree Katy that the 'out of control' bit is the worst bit in a way, as to how to address this behaviour?....mmmm, not too sure, i suppose just sheer persistance in persuing an alternative may help, and hoping that this becomes a new learned behaviour. Someone close to me recently did an anxiety management programme called the Linden Method. It works with ocd issues too.... I'm wondering if this can be used to 'treat' the compulsive element of overeating? No, ignore me, probably will only help to a certain degree because it is not the anxiety response at the centre of eating problems... Maybe further examination as to why we do this, what other needs/gaps does food fill..... This doesn't always apply to me though. Sometimes there is no reason, it's a 'just because' situation......! Oh, i don't know.....Think i may have to peruse some other's maintenance diarys when i get chance for ideas as to this elusive secret!
Anyway, on the whole, feeling positive and although my food demons are telling me to eat the contents of the fridge, i am winning! Which actually makes me feel pretty good.

DP, huge sympathies for your gallstone problem. I had my gallbladder out about 4 yrs ago after 1.5 yrs agony. It was the best thing ever, no more rolling around on all fours at 3 in the morning. Hope you are coping ok with it.

Food:Chicken, dry fried, (although i did wipe less than a teaspoon of oil aroung the pan) with herbs/seasoning, with salad leaves and fat free dressing. It was yummy. I did have 25g over the amount of chicken though, as that was what the amount i had weighed, couldn't face throwing it. (is it cooked or pre-cooked weight you have to measure? (on 810)) have had a bar and still to have 2 cd products yet.

In work tomorow 8-4, so anticipate another good one.
Hugs to all for keeping me on track xx
 
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