My metamorphosis log - final stage

[Bess]

After being inspired by Wales' very honest entry lately i am back to confess. I am not being truly honest with self and that won't help me do this. I have just pigged out.....:cry:I have just had an 'eat anything in sight' few hours. Bowl icecream,pkt choc buttons, breadstick x2, cracker x3, raisins (handful), pinch of cheese, 3 squares dk choc, 6+ salted pretzels. Think thats it, but can't be sure... I even waited for OH to goto bed so i could have some things. My head was just in that, 'i'm starting tomorrow' mode, where it then seems a good excuse to eat any old crap. I didn't want it, my stomach feels uncomfy, it was one of those horrible 'can't stop' moments where you just feel you 'have to' do it. I really don't get that feeling, almost like an addictive drive... completely nonsensical. This has happenned quite a few times whilst I've been on CD and i have managed to get back on track again, and know i will this time. Its times like this when in the past i may have been tempted to make self sick, but don't want to go down that road now and develop a whole new problem. Need to live with the consequences of my actions, learn and move on... I feel similar to others, in that you feel like you're letting people down on here by doing this, especially as i haven't even started to eat properly yet! I know nobody would feel this was the case, but it doesn't stop the feeling being there anyway.
Do 'normal' non fat people ever eat like this, like they have no control? I know how i need to act, i have all the logical arguments in my head, so what makes me do something that is so stupid and really not what i want in my heart. I wish there was just a way you could just stop it ever hapenning. Makes me feel weak, and i don't like that, not when i have come so far. Brings home just how much hard work i need to do to control myself.
Sorry for the self indulgent waffle, can't just pretend, i promised myself more than that. xx

Don't beat yourself up about this Butterfly, we've all done it, some of us, and not a million miles away even, today. :wave_cry: It's about being gentle with yourself, and starting again. Right now. We all understand, care and support you.

I also have never/don't use any other 'social networking' site and didn't put a diary on here for months. Seems too personal somehow, when you realise that unlimited people could read it.
But then again, they probably don't and I find the support invaluable. I have heard that there has been 'cliqueism' on some parts of Mini's and childish fallings out, but we are all too sensible and grown up on here and just get on with supporting each other and opening up to each other without boring our families rigid talking about dieting hang ups!! Keep going, don't get hung up on the bad times.

 

[*butterfly*]

Aww Bess, thanks hun. Feeling positive, but very introspective (which is not so bad really...) and your post bought a tear to my eye. I cannot begin to explain how valuable i find everyones support on here, I don't really bother trying to talk to OH about it too much. He tries, bless him, but it just seems all too self indulgent to waffle on about it all the time and expect others to understand. Hope you are feeling ok and not falling too far off the wagon... we can climb back on together..!

I got a post relating to that 'incident' on another part of minis, tried to offer a bit of impartial support but on further reading was disappointed to see it was all getting dragged out and getting way too personal. Not pleasant at all, and i was a bit suprised by it all really, as not what come to expect on minis. Puts you off being so open on the general threads a bit.... I sort of forget anyone can come on here and read my waffle though!!

 

[*butterfly*]

24.11.09
Just a quick one, good day. Quite busy at work, which was good. Bit low on the water but tried to make up for since getting home. Great tea, but few nibbles in the evening. Just would love to eat an apple, or legitimately eat raisins....! OH sat next to me tonight, whilst we were looking online forr DD's xmas presents. He ate an apple and orange and it drove me mad....! Got really annoyed with the sound of an apple beig eaten, its just one of those sounds that grates on me, no matter how quiet he was trying to be. Think part of it was that i just wanted to eat it myself! Did try a tiny slice and half an orange segment.
No WI till thur now (instead of wed) as running around getting cars ixed and MOT'd tomorrow- joy.... Another day to try to rectify damage though. Feeling really irritable, can't be totm already?, but can't put finger on it. Got to go and see inlaws tomorrow which does not please me....
Food: Chicken cooked in bit of stock/sage. Cabbage and sprouts and CD soup as stuffing/sauce. Must make more effort to vary diet a bit. Will look into recipes again tomorrow when get chance. Had all my packs. But then nibbled...oops, but hopefully not too bad.
Useless on exercise front, and got so many jobs to do. Xmas sneaking ever closer...
Spea soon xx

 

[LellyCD]

Hey butterfly, well done on almost perfect day! Good luck with the xmas shopping!
Have another great day!

xx

 

[Wales]

Hi Butterfly, I am with you with the stresses of car tax and MoT this month, just wondering if I can work the MoT so we pay on my next pay day (and I don't even know what needs doing yet!)

Food sounds good and hope you had a day on plan today!

Definitely keep posting as we read x

 

[*butterfly*]

25.11.09
Back again, had really good day until tonight, so i'm going to ignore that it hapenned and carry on regardless as its too late to change it and i'm in too much of a good mood to let it bug me. My own stupid fault, wanted to get some more xmas prep done, so have made caramelised onion marmalade and then did a cinder toffee trial. It was fun, have never made toffee before and the first batch burnt but second lot lovely, and has now been coated in mix of milk and dark choc....even more naughty...... But at least i now know how to make it ready for the hampers. May have to cellotape the tub up though to stop me getting near it!
General irritability continued today, and is annoying me, but luckily the cooking session has seemed to dispel it. Typical that my idea of a relaxing therapeutic activity involves food .
Poor DD poorly again, since starting pre-school nearly 2 mths ago, almost every other week she has had a temperature, with mild cold symptoms. Poor babe was 40degrees today, and unlike ususal actually appearred ill, tired and lethargic. Good excuse for lots of cuddles on the sofa. Is barely eating again, but not getting so stressed about it now. Don't you just hate seeing your little ones ill...wish i could have it instead.
Food: effort to eat meals with family continues, had chicken and veg tonight again, and really enjoyed it. Used a dab of the marigold bouillion for a stock to cook the chicken in and it was lovely. Haven't had to buy any major food for ages, i'm working my way through my freezer stock of my batch cooked recipes for family, to make space for xmas. I honestly think i could live on the stuff in my house for about a month, aside fron the odd bit of fresh veg. I hoard way too much...
Have to confess that any planned exercise is presently non existant, which is slightly annoying. Just had too much on.
MOT's not good, we did both cars and both of them needed work doing, they only charged us half rate for the actual MOT but all in all a total of over £380. Helloooo to an even larger overdraft..!
I'm going to go cos i've figured i'm in waffling mode and not being very constructive....Got WI tomorrow, not good i reckon. Will report back. xx

 

[Wales]

Morning Butterfly. I think you might have to let me have the receipe for the toffee, I am thinking of hamper gifts for family this Christmas. I know what you mean about cooking relaxing you - I stocked up the freezer this weekend with soup for me and meals for OH and felt very virtuous afterwards.

Sorry your little one isn't well, hope she is feeling better today. And hope you have another good day today - you are doing really well, keep it up!!!

 

[*butterfly*]

26.11.09

Hooray for new starts!. Which is what i've decided today is, and i am feeling all positive and excited. Went for WI and i sts which i expected.Still lost 0.25inch off my waist. But i have taken the plunge and commenced 1000plan as from today.

With xmas coming up, which i just know i will indulge in a little, i really want to get my head and routine around eating healthy before then, so i can hopefully make slightly better choices and then be able to get back on track after the event.
As for 1000, well it just looks fantastic, i hadn't really looked in to it much. Talked through the plan with my cdc (i'm going to do 3a), and i just cannot believe that i have to eat so much. It seems like a huge amount, but i s'pose if you are not in ketosis i'll be thankful.

Went to tesco and shopped for fruit and storecupboard stuff, it was so nice to know i can eat what i buy.
Not too bothered by milk so had fat free from frais instead, have missed b-fast but did get a bar in, and have just weighed out the fruit for b-fast portion, cannot believe how much it is... i'm breaking it up into snacks through the day. It was so delicious, and i feel quite satisfied now, which is a wierd feeling. Got a talking to about not having my meals/cd till afternoon, and never having b-fast. She reckons that it can slow up your metabolism, as you have already fasted overnight.....I'd just never thought of that!

So, heres to a 100% week, although i will take it one day at a time firstly.
Otherwise feeling crap physically, have heavy head, achy and cold. Think it was partly carb reaction, but now thinking the cold is taking over... Just want to curl under a duvet, but theres no chance of that. Early night tonight methinks...
On a positive note DD seems better today, which is a relief.

Cinder toffee recipe
Ingredients
100g golden syrup
200g caster sugar
40g Butter
0.5 tsp vinegar
1 tsp Bicarbonate of soda
2 tbsp water
Method 1. Line a 15cm square tin with greaseproof or parchment paper.
2. Put the syrup, sugar, butter and water into a large heavy-bottomed pan set over a medium heat. Stir until the sugar has dissolved, before turning up the heat and bringing to the boil.
3. Cook, without stirring until a teaspoon of the hot toffee mixture becomes a hard ball when dropped into a jug of cold water. If you have a sugar thermometer, it should register 138C. Remove the pan from the heat.
4. Add the vinegar and bicarbonate of soda to the pan - take care as the toffee mixture will bubble up and rise in the pan. Pour immediately into the lined tin and leave on one side.
5. After about 15- 20 minutes, when the mixture has begun to set, score the toffee in square shapes, using a sharp knife. Break along the lines when it has completely set. The toffee will keep in an airtight tin for up to two weeks.

(i had a huge wide pan and burnt the first lot, need to keep close eye once its bubbling as this happens really quickly, but its such fun!
To cover with choc i just melted it in microwave and dipped pieces in then put onto greaseproof till set)
Back later. xx

 

[LellyCD]

Hey Butterfly, must say you are sounding so upbeat and positive I love it! Great that you have moved up to 1000 hope you'll enjoy it, i loved moving up to 1000 the egg was divine after all those weeks!

Have a fab weekend!

xx

 

[DisneyParis]

That's good you are on 1000, l think you're right about it being good to go on it in the run up to Christmas. It does seem like quite a lot of food again at first doesn't it?

Got phonecall today about my gallbladder op - l've to go to hospital next Tues morning (Dec 1) for pre-op checks, all going well op will be next day.

 

[*butterfly*]

Had great day. loving the food, but cannot believe i will not gain....which is another reason i want to stick to it 100% so i get a true picture of how it will work for me. Time will tell. Still feel awful, so going to curl up on sofa and do very little for a change.
Food:
11am- cd choc orange bar - my first ever, not sure if i'd have again.
12.30pm - 50gstrawberry, 50g raspberry, 1 apple, 0.5 clementine with 100g fat free from frais mixed with bit of splenda.
2.30pm- 0.5 clementine
5.30pm -175g chicken, 4 small mushrooms, 3 spear asparagus, 40g wholewheat pasta, 0.5 spicy tom cd soup.
Thats it so far: still got to have fruit+ from frais as earlier again, but with a whole clementine, and 0.5 cd shake. Have missed the lunchtime salad, but can live with that, as i was late starting the day.
Really cannot believe the fruit amounts, its lovely, if a little too filling at the moment!

DP, good luck with your pre-op, i'm a wimp so was quite uncomfortable after the surgery but they give you loads of painkillers if you need them. Never regretted it though. Warning: i never realised they did this, but they made me use a bed pan for the first day! Don't want to put you off but i think i'd have rather known as much as possible.

Lelly, going to have egg tomorrow i think, can't wait! Have got to plan how to split meals when at work on nights, just to confuse me...!
Off to relax, goodnight all xx

 

[*butterfly*]

27.11.09
Back again, after another 100% day of 1000. Its actually 630am on 28th but i've been at work so it doesn't count. I'm still getting throughthe 27th's food.
Food:
bfast- slice burgen(scrape vitalite)+boiled egg (treated self to 5g of brown sauce-only 6cals)
lunch- salad leaves+balsamic, 0.5 cd mousse
tea - salad leaves+balsamic, tuna, cottage cheese, 40g couscous.

Still have got to have fruit portion, milk, and 1.5 cd products. My tea was huge, couldn't finish it, and can't think about having the rest yet. May have soft fruits and from frais for breakfast, and a hot choc mint before bed. I wonder when i start getting used to eating without feeling so full?.......or is it that it is so high in protein and low carb that keeps any hunger at bay? If so, i am loving the whole low GI plans.
Had to nip home at 430am to pick up my tin of tuna, my OH had DD in bed with him, he was facing the wall snoring, she was on my side, no duvet on her, naked bum waving in the air! He must have been half asleep when he gave in and let her in our bed, and forgot to put on her night nappy pants (still has the odd wee overnight). If ever theres a puddle on my side of the bed, i'll throttle him!
Off to do a bit of paperwork. Speak soon xx

 

[Wales]

Morning Butterfly, sounds like you are getting on well with 1000, although I don't think I could cope with night shifts at all! The portions do seem huge and filling don't they, the hunger coming back can be an issue at some stage but stick with the plan as it works. I remember the taste of balsamic once I started moving up and I thought it was just the most wonderful thing ever!

Hope you have a good days sleep/ rest today - are you back to work tonight? Have a good weekend x

 

[*butterfly*]

Yup, back in tonight, so thinking about getting head down soon. Think i may even sleep!!! Having been up since 7am yesterday, i did grab an hour before going to work, so think i am now tired enough to get a decent kip. Kept waking up after about 3 hrs and not able to settle again. I'm only just changing to doing 2 shifts together and haven't ever needed more than this to keep going but body not quite figured out the change yet..here's hoping....doing some really intense therapeutic stuff at work at the moment, its good, but so draining!
Been good and finished yesterdays food at last. Had strawbs, raspberry and a clementine with 0.5 portion of from frais, then a cd hot choc mint with 0.25pt milk...it was divine, then 0.5 cd bar. Not looking forward to the hunger returning, i hope i can learn to space out my intake to keep it to a minimum..

On the Balsamic note, Asds do one called balsamic glaze, its a really intense reduction and its absolutely gorgeous, only about £1 too! I think its higher in natural sugars though, so don't have too much..not that you need to.

Hope you have a good Saturday Wales. xx

 

[Bess]

Glad it's all going so well Butterfly. You must be at work now, hope you get a break tomorrow.

 

[*butterfly*]

29.11.09
Although i'm still reporting for 28th (worked night).
Another really good day, stayed up yesterday till 1130am so i would sleep and it worked, out for the count till 6pm, aside from one toilet trip! Got up and rushed like a loon to get food together for work, it was wierd to have to do this again, and takes a whole lot more time than grabbing a bar! But i actually quite enjoy planning my food for a change.

Food:
b-fast- 2 shredded wheat, 0.25pt milk, splenda. 0.5shake with 0.25pt milk.
lunch- 160g chicken, 40g brown rice(touch of stock), 55g stir fry leaves, 27g mushrooms, 0.5cd o/chilli soup.
snack - 1 clemantine.
tea- 1 cd bar, 1 clemantine.

Again, an enjoyable food day. Not decided on what to have later, after a sleep. May struggle to fit it all in as will be starting my day at about 11am which always throws me. Off to mom and dads later which i am looking forward to. But, i always struggle to resist goodies at their house....i will be focused and determined today!

If nothing else, i want to show mom how nice cd 1000 can be. She continues to be really p'd off with weight, but can not seem to get it together to start acting on it. Stuck in that cycle. Hate to see her feeling so crap, but cannot do it for her...wish i could! Worse thing is, after having breast reconstruction in Aug, they used tummy fat for it so she got a tummy tuck thrown in. Has since gained weight, and tummy feels hard and bulging on one side, she sees consultant in about 5 weeks, but cannot be sure the problems are not related to her weight gain and wanted to lose before the appt. She is so annoyed she let herself slip back again. Comes out with the classic lines ' i don't want to diet.... if i can't lose weight by just cutting down it isn't worth it.....its about longer term eating change....i don't believe in all that weighing'...(the list goes on). I know exactly how she feels, having said it all myself in the past, but i can also see that this approach is clearly not working for her at the moment, and wish she would just consider something else more structured for a week, a few days even, just to get going in the right direction, as i'm sure she'd be able to do it then, once she's had that boost of a few pounds loss. Almost feel a bit guilty for continuing to lose, when she is struggling so much. How stupid is that..?

Another bonus is that i found DD's xmas pressie on a site with a sale on until midnight tonight, time to batter the overdraft later!

Off to throw OH and DD out of bed, so i can crawl into it!! Mmmmmm......still nice and warm....lovely!

 

[Katycakes]

Just sending a thank you for your kind comments on my thread hun. Thanks for being there and have a great Sunday, when you do surface!

Re: your mum, never feel guilty, please - you should be the biggest incentive for her to see that diets DO work. It's all about choice, and she chooses not to see, or not to act on it... sad, but with CD you have to come to it in your own time.

Can I ask what the prezzie is for DD? Hope you get it!

xxx

 

[Wales]

Morning/ Evening Butterfly - glad the food is working for you on 1000. And yes I had the Basalmic glaze - I took the bottle with me everywhere and had it on everything - just lovely.

Hope you have a good time at your mum and dads today, your mums comments on diets sound like all my old phrases - at that time I just didn't know what to do and felt like I couldn't make any effective changes. Hope she finds something that works.

Hope you have had a great sleep x

 

[*butterfly*]

Hi all,
Thanks Katy and Wales. Katy, (although in fear of sounding like a soppy thing ), it is nice to get to know you a bit better and help in any way i can. You have always been around to give support, and unknowingly have helped me so much through the last 6 months either directly or by being able to just read your posts. I hope things get better for you soon xx
I know i can't do anything about my mom, just hate to see her in the same state i was, especially when the losing process has been reasonably easy (compared to previous attempts).
Just about to shop for DD, getting Le Toy Van Sophies Dolls House, with loads of beautiful rosebud furniture and accessories, its more money than i'd have wanted to spend initially, but its all we'll get her (and family are getting bits too) but it will end up being a bit of a heirloom, so will be worth it long term.
Got to dash, have discovered hunger today......i think. A realy wierd feeling in my stomach. xx

 

[*butterfly*]

30.11.09

Hi all, time against me but didn't want to miss logging my food at least, and just do a quick update.
Food 29.11.09 rasp+strawb 100g each, 200g from frais,(split into two lots), green leaves+balsamic, CDsoup, 175gchicken, 200gnew pots, stir fry leaves, 2apple, 2 clem. CD bar.
Food 30.11.09 40g muesli,0.25ptmilk, CDbar, 2 clem, 130g Tuna, 100g cott cheese, (reduced to compensate for the small nibble on slice of chicken), mix leaves, 40g rice. Going to have rest of milk with a CD hot choc in abit. Did have a very naughty 6 thorntons chocs at work - 180cals i think!
Know i shouldn't, and was peeved as this has been my closest to a 100% week in so long i can barely remember. But, when i look at that in perspective i should be pretty pleased with self really, so going to just move on, and treat that as a 1200 day!
Need to think about moving up again i think, scales are dropping, but i still want to move up the plans properly. Don't want to keep losing so much then think that i have to stop all of a sudden. I also want to minimise any gains when i move up. I'll wait and see what scales do this week and may go to 1000 (3b) this week, then 1200 the week after. Have to go and hit the shops, have tried on several prs of trousers and only have about two prs left that fit, seem to have just dropped a size quite quickly, so now moving towards those 10's! Which is phenomenal, and i cannot believe it, but bit worried i am going to be wandering around in birthday suit if don't hurry up and shop.
Got to go, watching recording of flash forward,- love my mon night fix! xx