Cerulean
Silver Member
I had a huge binge yesterday - so much so that I actually got dizzy and so full and bloated (actually - beyond bloated - I actually felt like I'd hurt my insides badly) that I almost passed out (so much so I missed two songs at the Prince gig). I have never been in a situation where I physically could not stop eating in my life before and I am frightened and angry.
To get this in proportion, I have managed week 1 of management very well - 4 brilliant days and 2 deviations. So a third of the time I've been okay.
But I have no LLC, no locum (and the locum is the other LLC in my area of London) my mother is swamped with work (and it was her friend's funeral yesterday which due to the fact she runs a pub, she was also catering) my closest real life friend is going through a separation as of this week and to be honest, talking about it seems to set me off as my mother gets very emotional about my eating disorders (because obviously mothers always know that deep down it's sort of down to them even though I have told her a thousand times that she did the best she could as a mother)
My greatest successes in abstinence were due to me going off on my own and just dealing with it.
This is my intention - I am behaving like an alcoholic in relapse so I need to get straight back on the wagon and stage my own intervention - I do realise that in order to succeed long term, I need to have much better and more solid coping strategies (reminder, if anyone tells me to have a sodding bath they will get short shrift - I am in a very bad place right now!) - but this week of restricted eating has reminded me of when I was in therapy and all of my battles with the nutritionist.
I have made myself the victim in this drama, with LL the business and my counsellor as the persecutor and food as the rescuer.
But do you know what, I'm tired of all the therapy talk, tired of all the thinking, I refuse to give up - partly because I cannot afford for this to fail - the 'Told you so' s would kill me - but that's not the right place to want this from.
I do know why I started eating yesterday, but I do not know why the LL coping strategies didn't work - over 5 litres of water drunk, thoughts logged, goals and payoffs considered, chatterbox talked to, triangles considers and transactions analysed.
I feel so very alone, so very unloved and so very stupid. These are all hot thoughts - I know that, but I have also been bingeing directly after thought records and that's - er - not covered in the book - and I don't know if you've tried to write a thought record whilst you're half smacked out of your face on a sugar rush, but you can't. And it doesn't help. And can you see how the victim speak is kicking in her?
Following on from Mrs L's thoughts yesterday, I wonder if this also in part due to the fact that my group is full of returners and I have not yet seen any holders in real life. There are also some other very bad thoughts that I cannot express in a public forum as if the individuals were identified that would be bad...
Achievements this week
To get this in proportion, I have managed week 1 of management very well - 4 brilliant days and 2 deviations. So a third of the time I've been okay.
But I have no LLC, no locum (and the locum is the other LLC in my area of London) my mother is swamped with work (and it was her friend's funeral yesterday which due to the fact she runs a pub, she was also catering) my closest real life friend is going through a separation as of this week and to be honest, talking about it seems to set me off as my mother gets very emotional about my eating disorders (because obviously mothers always know that deep down it's sort of down to them even though I have told her a thousand times that she did the best she could as a mother)
My greatest successes in abstinence were due to me going off on my own and just dealing with it.
This is my intention - I am behaving like an alcoholic in relapse so I need to get straight back on the wagon and stage my own intervention - I do realise that in order to succeed long term, I need to have much better and more solid coping strategies (reminder, if anyone tells me to have a sodding bath they will get short shrift - I am in a very bad place right now!) - but this week of restricted eating has reminded me of when I was in therapy and all of my battles with the nutritionist.
I have made myself the victim in this drama, with LL the business and my counsellor as the persecutor and food as the rescuer.
But do you know what, I'm tired of all the therapy talk, tired of all the thinking, I refuse to give up - partly because I cannot afford for this to fail - the 'Told you so' s would kill me - but that's not the right place to want this from.
I do know why I started eating yesterday, but I do not know why the LL coping strategies didn't work - over 5 litres of water drunk, thoughts logged, goals and payoffs considered, chatterbox talked to, triangles considers and transactions analysed.
I feel so very alone, so very unloved and so very stupid. These are all hot thoughts - I know that, but I have also been bingeing directly after thought records and that's - er - not covered in the book - and I don't know if you've tried to write a thought record whilst you're half smacked out of your face on a sugar rush, but you can't. And it doesn't help. And can you see how the victim speak is kicking in her?
Following on from Mrs L's thoughts yesterday, I wonder if this also in part due to the fact that my group is full of returners and I have not yet seen any holders in real life. There are also some other very bad thoughts that I cannot express in a public forum as if the individuals were identified that would be bad...
Achievements this week
- 4 brilliant days, making lots of good nutritious recipes and enjoying the food slowly and measuredly.
- Sorting out the really nasty contract and billing issues at work.
- Taking on a really complex reporting procedure at work.
- Having lots of great ideas for writing.
- Taking some fabulous photos.
- Managing myself with my friends really well and making time for fun.
- One day at a time
- Minimum internet usage at work
- Sort out carphone warehouse money
- Send meter readings into Gas, Leccy and Water and defer the scary water bill (Thanks for sending me a 6 month bill with one week's notice to pay in my tightest financial month, there Thames Water)
- In bed with lights and laptop out by 10pm
- Gym twice
- Make list of nice things that inspire you and distract you