Need help - down but not out!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Cerulean, 18 August 2007 Social URL.

  1. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

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    I had a huge binge yesterday - so much so that I actually got dizzy and so full and bloated (actually - beyond bloated - I actually felt like I'd hurt my insides badly) that I almost passed out (so much so I missed two songs at the Prince gig). I have never been in a situation where I physically could not stop eating in my life before and I am frightened and angry.

    To get this in proportion, I have managed week 1 of management very well - 4 brilliant days and 2 deviations. So a third of the time I've been okay.

    But I have no LLC, no locum (and the locum is the other LLC in my area of London) my mother is swamped with work (and it was her friend's funeral yesterday which due to the fact she runs a pub, she was also catering) my closest real life friend is going through a separation as of this week and to be honest, talking about it seems to set me off as my mother gets very emotional about my eating disorders (because obviously mothers always know that deep down it's sort of down to them even though I have told her a thousand times that she did the best she could as a mother)

    My greatest successes in abstinence were due to me going off on my own and just dealing with it.
    This is my intention - I am behaving like an alcoholic in relapse so I need to get straight back on the wagon and stage my own intervention - I do realise that in order to succeed long term, I need to have much better and more solid coping strategies (reminder, if anyone tells me to have a sodding bath they will get short shrift - I am in a very bad place right now!) - but this week of restricted eating has reminded me of when I was in therapy and all of my battles with the nutritionist.

    I have made myself the victim in this drama, with LL the business and my counsellor as the persecutor and food as the rescuer.

    But do you know what, I'm tired of all the therapy talk, tired of all the thinking, I refuse to give up - partly because I cannot afford for this to fail - the 'Told you so' s would kill me - but that's not the right place to want this from.

    I do know why I started eating yesterday, but I do not know why the LL coping strategies didn't work - over 5 litres of water drunk, thoughts logged, goals and payoffs considered, chatterbox talked to, triangles considers and transactions analysed.

    I feel so very alone, so very unloved and so very stupid. These are all hot thoughts - I know that, but I have also been bingeing directly after thought records and that's - er - not covered in the book - and I don't know if you've tried to write a thought record whilst you're half smacked out of your face on a sugar rush, but you can't. And it doesn't help. And can you see how the victim speak is kicking in her?

    Following on from Mrs L's thoughts yesterday, I wonder if this also in part due to the fact that my group is full of returners and I have not yet seen any holders in real life. There are also some other very bad thoughts that I cannot express in a public forum as if the individuals were identified that would be bad...

    Achievements this week
    • 4 brilliant days, making lots of good nutritious recipes and enjoying the food slowly and measuredly.
    • Sorting out the really nasty contract and billing issues at work.
    • Taking on a really complex reporting procedure at work.
    • Having lots of great ideas for writing.
    • Taking some fabulous photos.
    • Managing myself with my friends really well and making time for fun.
    Goals for next week
    • One day at a time
    • Minimum internet usage at work
    • Sort out carphone warehouse money
    • Send meter readings into Gas, Leccy and Water and defer the scary water bill (Thanks for sending me a 6 month bill with one week's notice to pay in my tightest financial month, there Thames Water)
    • In bed with lights and laptop out by 10pm
    • Gym twice
    • Make list of nice things that inspire you and distract you
     
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  3. silhouettes

    silhouettes Silver Member

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    huge hug for you cerulean. everyone has times where they go back to their old behaviour (or slightly worse) you have done amazingly and are a true source of inspiration to everyone. Please dont beat yourself up about this, getting right back on track is the best way to go. And now you can use the horrible painful physical feeling you got when you binged as a constant reminder of why you shouldnt do it again.

    sil
     
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  4. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

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    Dear Sarah

    Have sent you a PM so check there.

    I am so glad you posted on here; did you see my big request (on Minis) for help earlier in the week about self-sabotage? There are some great answers in there. Take a look.

    You say

    I feel so very alone, so very unloved and so very stupid. These are all hot thoughts - I know that, but I have also been bingeing directly after thought records and that's - er - not covered in the book

    Well, that's it, isn't it, really? What do you do when everything else doesn't work? We turn on ourselves and start behaving in a destructive way. And, for us, that's with food. I don't know the answer because I think it's going to take us a while to find the answers for us. If it's any consolation, I broke my no sugar rule yesterday, too! And that's not enabling, that's just trying to stop that big fat failure train of thought that's going on in your head. Can't blog at the moment as typepad is down! : (

    (As an aside, I can't stress enough how much you need LL support, RIGHT NOW! This is not a journey you can do alone so I am not surprised you feel alone. Your support network isn't there and I know from personal experience just how awful that is when it happens. Did you phone HQ? Can you just attend another London class? Sorry, too many questions, I know!)

    If it gets too much, go to bed and stay there. Sometimes, that's all you can do. It's all I can do. OR go and do something completely and utterly absorbing, that takes you out of yourself. For me, a good movie does that.

    Oh yes, and stop! No blogging, no thought records, no documenting. Nada! I did. And it helped. I had to take a step back - just to regroup.

    I hope this helps.

    Big kiss.

    Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  5. tamethetiger

    tamethetiger Member

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    I don't post very often, mainly because my pc inbuilt keyboard doesn't work and I can't plug in onother one. In order to write I have to use my mouse, clicking on the MS On-Screen Keyboard, which means it takes me AGES to write anything.

    Anyway, I read your postings daily and I really sympatise as I've had the exact same problem as you for about 20 years. At the moment I'm in abstinence, which is a safe place, but I dread management.

    I am sorry about what you're going through, but I really, truly understand. How I wish I could help.
     
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  6. Tiger Girl

    Tiger Girl Full Member

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    Hey Sarah :)

    Empathy alert. Bingeing - it's just f*****g hideous. So, what can we do to help you and each other?

    Your post says 'help needed' - and you've mentioned a few things that you don't need, I'm wondering what you do need? What can we give you here in the virtual world that would help? :)

    As ever, you have all of the insights and massive awareness of triggers - you really are so great at this. So that's step 1 ticked off the list. You say you feel that you've exhausted your list of coping strategies. It's horrific when that happens. Didn't someone once say, "there's always something you haven't tried" ? Sometimes the simplest distraction stuff can calm things somewhat, and bring a bit of simplicity to what can feel like a completely overwhelming situation.

    I'm wondering if there's anything to explore for you around any of the following;
    - You have said many times that you are a perfectionist, what did you imagine Management to be like? How does this compare to the reality? Where does Sarah the perfectionist fit with this?
    - The old beliefs that were evident at the very start of Foundation...how did they change at the start of Development?...where are they now at the start of Management?
    For me, I think I'm having to face the magic wand syndrome I seem to have built up, ie when I'm slim everything will be fixed. Your post if nothing else, made me realise that the lifetime commitment to coping with this addiction is just that - a lifetime worth of management. I scare myself when I think of that, but I have to get real and accept that the magic wand is non existent. It's only little old me that can control this, and it's going to be something that needs to be managed and controlled forever. Daunting? Oh yeah.

    I've read all of your management posts and threads, and of course the blog. You need to hear this - you have made an amazing start. You have. And that is not negotiable or up for debate - you have. You have an incredible understanding of the deeper stuff that's going on right now and you can tap into that anytime you like. The alternative of course is to think, f**k it, throw something, have a cry, or just get under the quilt for a bit and give yourself a breather. I'm having one of those days today. All I actually really need to do today is go to the gym. I just can't be bothered. The demons are lurking and I feel the only way to quiten them is to just lock myself in my flat for the day, switch my phone off, chill out in front of the telly and hang out here.
    Keep the faith. Everyone is here for you and supporting you all the way.
    :)
     
  7. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

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    Oh my god.

    Each and every one of you has said something very profound and meaningful to me - and given me a lifeline. Will respond to you all individually later - but I need a nap and about 8 gallons of water!

    Bless you all.

    Thank you.

    I'm okay, I'm okay and when I'm not okay - well - you know what, that's okay too!

    I am in the middle of a binge right now. Ha! Hilarious if you think about it! My two addictions - the internet and that!

    And...well - I'll be okay.

    That's the whole point of management - it'll be hard for a while, and then it'll be okay - it can be okay for the rest of your life. Not amazing, not terrible - okay.

    I expected it to be perfect (slaps forehead - sheesh - I thought I was self aware - missed that one, didn't I ;) )

    The friend I spoke about was at the video shoot (along with an old creative partner that I had no idea would be there!! we make each other laugh like drais which was a tonic) - and we're very similar souls and I offered her a friendly chat about anything other than the separation and tea when she wants it and we spoke about what's going on and she was great. Just nice to be around buddies and looking out for each other. I ran a thought about quitting LighterLife past her and she asked me to think very carefully - she was of course, right - I am just angry at the fact I have allowed myself to feel like a failure over nothing. Well - something - but you know what I mean - so my dear virtual and very real buddies - thank you for your words - they mean so much and have given me strength. I am going to start week two as planned.


    I am now bingeing because I binged.

    Oh - and I returned to yet another letter from the water company...they over estimated my bill by 50 quid. Stupid water company. Half a mind to charge them for everything I ate last night!
     
  8. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

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    Well done. For hanging on in there. Because you are! Because you can! Because you will!

    We all believe in you.

    Big kiss.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  9. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Your far from being a failure. Just have a look at your before and after photos!!!

    I do believe what your going through is all part and parcel of the learning process and some of us have to keep revisiting the same old ground over and over until we finally get it.

    I know I have trigger foods that set me off, but I keep going back. It is difficult accepting that I must stay away from them. But I know that when I do break connection with my trigger foods, I don't miss them one bit, it is just that curiosity part of me what's to see have I been cured:sigh:

    I think I have finally accepted that I will just have to be careful forever.

    Love Mini xxx
     
  10. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

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    Aww just caught this...big hug for you. Not at management yet (beause the weight is coming off SOOO slowly now!) but imagine that it will be tough - no food is safer than some food & I guess that is what you are finding now. Totally agree with the have a bath comment...there really are only so many baths you can have & it be anywhere near a treat!! I think it must be the weather. I've been feeling crap all day and almost caved & made bread to eat with the jam I made as well as the butter I had for the jam making! Managed not to but its been a lesson - no more cooking for me until management! Try & focus on the positives and as others say look how far you have come. Management will be up & down & another learning process. Day at a time is definately the way to go in my book! Hope you feel better tomorrow...big hug for you.
     
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  11. Alan_99

    Alan_99 Full Member

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    Stick with it Sarah, as the others have said you are in no way a failure and should give such thoughts short thrift. I finished LL last Wednesday and that seamed to signal a personal binge fest :S but I've made it through today without making a wrong choice. I'll be out cycling early tomorrow hopefully burning a big slice of calories. So what ever you do Sarah stick with it we have all watched you work through the various stages of your journey and have we have gained so many tips and inspiration from you.
    Sending positive thoughts to you.
    Alan
     
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  12. Geri

    Geri Gold Member

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    Hiy Sara
    I promise I won't suggest you have a bath ;) :D

    Perhaps you could look at your binges as a learning curve, and learn from them... Are you keeping a food diary, if not then get one going :)

    We can be soo hard on ourselves at times. Maybe think what you would say to a Friend who is going through what you are now. What would you say to them?

    Be kind to yourself - You have come such a long way :)

    Stay strong hun, you will get through this :p
     
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  13. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

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    How are you today? Thinking of you fellow RtM friend.

    Hope you managed to sleep.

    Big kiss.

    Mrs Lxxxxxx
     
  14. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

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    I'm still okay - still not quite out of the woods yet - have slept for most of the day which I think is what I needed - but haven't quite cracked the eating of crap. I'm going to throw the rest of the junk (or should that be junkie) food in the bin shortly and take it downstairs and then go and buy my actual week 2 food.

    I am also very dehydrated and just can't seem to drink the water. I had a nice chat with my mum which really helped.

    I think I have fed myself into submission - I feel so physically wrecked I can see what my old diet was doing to my body. Low GI from now on then!

    S
    x
     
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  15. Karen1972

    Karen1972 Gold Member

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    Hi Sarah

    I actually think what you are going through is VERY normal for people with food issues.

    I got to my goal on 1 May 2006 and today i am 8lbs over that initial goal. In the last 15 or so months it has been complete hell and hard work to stay in a size 10/12. I did end up putting 1 and a half stone on due to my bingeing but i soon got back on track and SS'd it all off again.

    I fluctuate nearly every day. I still try to SS every day but last Tuesday i had a binge and put on 8lbs in just one day because like you i eat until i feel my insides are damaged!! Then it takes days to get rid of all that rubbish and i suffer with terrible constipation etc.

    It's so not worth it.

    We will always have this issue because we are exactly like alcoholics. We will never rid ourselves of our food demons. I accepted this about a year ago and whilst every day is still a struggle i still appreciate being slim and would much rather be hungry than fat. This keeps me going for the main part!

    Sarah you have done so well, just look how gorgeous you look in your after pictures. This should spur you on to fight your daily battles and realise that being slim and gorgeous is better than any old binge!! How awful to you feel after a binge? It's never worth it and the feeling afterwards is horrific.

    Good luck to you, you are not alone, the majority of us here are in exactly the same boat hun.

    Lots of luv
     
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  16. minilady

    minilady Gold Member

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    Hi Sarah

    I can identify with how you feel completely!!:sigh: I lost weight through CD and have been maintaining for a couple of months.

    I have binge days still too, which is really frightening as when I first started maintenance I had convinced myself I would never need to binge again! How wrong was I:rolleyes:

    I too have asked for a little help on here and have had some wonderful answers from other maintainers on minimins:)

    I think whilst on the diet, we see the weight drop off and are constricted in what we consume and therefore because we have no choices it's easier. Then whammo no more confines and panic sets in.

    On the whole I have been able to keep the monsters at bay, but also I have given in to them to, luckily it hasn't affected my weight, but psychologically my head has been in a whirl. I am trying to face my Addictive desires as Karion Dieting calls them, and I let myself eat certain 'bad' foods as a planned treat. at first this was scary as I thought i wouldn't be able to stop, but I am starting to prove to myself that this isn't the case, I can have a couple of squares of choc and leave the rest in the fridge:eek: Something I have never done:eek:

    I hope you are feeling ok. If ever you want to chat, feel free to pm me.

    Us maintainers can do this and will stick together to get each other through:):)

    Tracey
    x
     
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  17. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

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    Hi Sarah.

    I am catching up on as many missed posts as I can, and I have read this with interest and, of course, concern. I fully understand the eating till it hurts "thing", and I too have binges during which I find I am almost physically unable to stop.

    I wont offer any advice, as I really want to think about this one, from not only your perspective but mine as well. I dont want to blurt out some well meaning but inappropriate diatribe until I have thought hard about this one!

    In the meantime, love yourself and value your achievements. You have travelled a long and bumpy road, and the end is in sight. (Not the BMI end, but the "coping with day to day life" end.) You are a star and an inspiration. Keep the faith!!!!


    In the words of Arnie "I'll be back"!

    xxx
     
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  19. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

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    As I said earlier I have been overwhelmed by the content of all of the messages I have received in response to this. I have a tiny screen on my laptop and am a teensy bit mac illiterate so I will respond in more depth later today because each of you has raised a very important point - I have managed to break the cycle for about 17 hours now - which is a good start - and I think I have taught myself now that I need to learn the lesson of 'just the one' and that eating one sweet needs to end there - but that I cannot begin that until I have gone through the baseline weeks and the savoury trigger weeks. The positive thing I have learnt is that I can control my savoury tooth now - that I can have just a bit of the savoury things and be satisfied (not that I want to go off plan now, but I accept that if I do, I can take or leave some of my old trigger foods!) - alas my newly created sugar craving physiognomy has created a monster I never had before (or rather, displaced my old savoury monster!)

    I am also starting to wonder if garlic is a trigger for me (I know!)

    Part of me has found sweet food strangely pointless - it has no real nutritional value, it makes me behave weirdly and I don't really need it. I never used to have puddings in restaurants - it was never my thing before - so I hope that all that was going wrong was my liver crying out for glycogen and my brain crying out for help - lets hope that the brain has realised that the sugar didn't help - rather it sent me mad and made me hurt physically and mentally and financially (I spent about £50 on my binges this week).

    So - I'm off to work with 200g of chopped salad veggies and a soup pack. I may take my low sugar jelly and an LL bar with me in case the snack machine starts calling again this afternoon (luckily I have my appointment with my tooth consultant this afternoon so that means my afternoon in the office can be broken up) Dinner tonight will probably be seafood salad...not sure yet. But yes - I know what I have to do - step at a time - keep busy and focused and remember that I need to stay at goal weight to fit into my poshest dresses!
     
  20. SandraEG

    SandraEG Full Member

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    Just a thought - if one of the issues is you haven't met a real success story and you're panicking about the long term - could you ask your LLC (once she comes back!!!) if she could invite one or two of her former clients in to a session?

    BTW: your goals for the week sound fab and I think I need to steal them (including logging off from here shortly and getting on with work!). I'm in a simlar boat with scary bills and my bank has just informed me that my OD facility is ending on 1/9/2007 so I have to find £500 saving in the next month to ensure I don't drop into OD. Plus car reg is due on 31/8 and it needs an MOT and service before I can do that.

    Money issues are definitely a trigger for me!
     
  21. minilady

    minilady Gold Member

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    Hi Sarah

    You're sounding a lot more positive today:):):)

    It's really scary not feeling in control, but you've gained control of the situation again:D

    I know what you mean about wanting to read about success stories where people have maintained for years etc. There are not many cases here on mins in comparisan to new starters. Sometimes I wonder if it's a case of people putting the weight back on, or is it a case of people don't need minimins as a crutch anymore and are happily leading their new slim lives:confused: I've also read a number of articles on maintaining slimdon and the percentage of people who fail to keep the weight off is really high. At first reading these things made me worry, but then being the stubborn woman I am, I thought no, I'm going to help to raise those appalling statistics. Sometimes it's good to be bloodyminded;)

    Hope you have a great day

    Tracey
    x
     
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  22. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

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    Hope you're ok? Looks like you woke up feeling positive & hope it continue! Let us know how you are this evening!
     
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