Need help - down but not out!
- Thread starter Cerulean
- Start date
Cerulean
Silver Member
Some responses to things above on how I see it all now...
Mrs. L
The one thing I learnt in my sugar comas was that whatever it was I was trying to do with the chocolate, it wasn’t helping. It was sort of like knocking back the double Jack Daniels on a Friday night after a harrowing week at my old job. Ah. Lightbulb. Whoops. My name is Sarah and I’m a glykoholic, it’s been 22 hours since my last sugar. I need to admit that to myself.
Funny how I can’t even face alcohol now – no matter how ‘f**k it’ I feel. I have a sneaky suspicion that my body knows that yeast is a problem. After I ate food with yeast in it this weekend my face went hot and itchy – it’s the one set of foods I have not been craving and have actually gone ‘yuck’ after a bite.
I sort of hope that Sil is right and that the physical pain and side-effects of bingeing may have put me off. I keep on going ‘groo’ when I go past places or points that last week had me salivating. Long may that last.
My body was annoyed with me for letting myself get so tired. I slept for about 20 hours on Saturday through to Sunday evening. Problem is – I know about HALT, but a very primal part of me still thinks that sugar fixes the AL and T bits. I don’t really think I’ve failed so much – that is the difference between New Binge Mode and Old Binge Mode – it’s hard to feel like I’ve actually failed because I know exactly how much I have achieved and how brilliant this year has been for me physically and mentally – I have been so in control of myself that – d’you know what – this week or so of craziness is understandable and manageable – when I think about the blue funks of self-hatred I used to have at 18 stone - well - this seems like a breeze by comparison!
So I don’t seem to want to beat myself up…but I do have an issue with stopping once I’ve started as once I’ve broken my train of perfection for the day, my chatterbox is rampant. So my definition of success in a future occurrence would be intervening after the first bite and stopping there rather than at the 3000-calories-and-I-want-to-die stage. The reason I never nibbled during foundation was that I knew all along that if I nibbled I would never get back on track. My only lapses have been full scale binges – I am in awe of the people who just have a bite here and a bite there as that’s so something I couldn’t have done on my LL journey. With me it’s by the book or throw the book out of the window! (Except LL’s biggest success is that never in my life have I been so able to turn the bad days around and been so motivated to dig my heels back in).
Sleeping let my brain shut off from it all for a while, which was great. Also did you know that music is also used to prevent binge triggers – apparently there are types of music that either you just can’t binge to or the music itself distracts you from some of the other triggers. I listened to so much music yesterday…and it really helped! I have noticed that since starting LL I haven’t been able to watch films at home from beginning to end – way too distracted – so I watched A Cock and Bull Story with nothing but a cup of tea – and I really enjoyed it (apart from being sad when Tony Wilson came on screen) – so you’re definitely on to something there, Mrs. I was a huge film buff until LL – and I’m not sure how or why it stopped, but stop it did, so I should reintroduce it!
Tame the Tiger
Thank you for using your onscreen keyboard to let me know I’m not alone…I’ve had this demon for 20 years too - so – yes – thinking I’d shut the door on it was a bit too much to expect.
Alun, Geri, Mini, Karen, Minilady - thank you so much for your support - I couldn’t have got back on with it without all of your ‘you can do its’ and reminders of how far I’ve come.
Tiger Girl
Thank you for a very very useful and insightful response – it really clicked with me so much.
I didn’t really have as much of a transition from Foundation to Development as other people did as my group stayed the same, my session times stayed the same and well – it was just like Foundation only without dates and weeks really. We’ve just all kept on keeping on in my group.
Magic Wand Syndrome – how Cinderella really got her happily ever after
One of the returners in my group – in fact all of the returners in my group didn’t handle the idea that their lives would somehow magically be better once they were slim…and like clockwork they’re back within 2-3 years of losing all the weight. I recognise quite how much I have to fix – but with a sense of relief that I no longer have to fix being fat. I have to fix why I was fat and keep on working on the ways in which I make myself fat, but at least I don’t have to cope with the hatred and disappointment of what I used to feel when I looked in the mirror. Let’s put it this way – the fairy godmother waved her wand and made the carriage and dress and slippers, but Cinderella had to charm the prince all by herself – wands are all very useful at getting you to the ball – but where it matters is how you behave when you get there and how you are after the spell has broken.
You and Mini and Karen and several others mention ‘management forever’. You are quite right – and most right about how terrifying that is. I said to myself the other day that I am not a recovering fat person, I am a recovering addict. I need to show discipline over and understanding of that addict for the rest of my life. I think I know now that unless I have something better than chocolate to do immediately after having chocolate, then chocolate is going to seem like the only logical answer after the chocolate comedown! So just as in the old days when I would drink I would not start drinking unless I wanted to get drunk, I shall just have to not start. I don’t think it’s a great loss – freshly grilled squid is just as delicious and more satisfying – actually, the old me is going to kill the new me for saying this, but chicory leaves with low fat cottage cheese and salt and pepper over the top is just as good!
Sez - I'm still working on an answer to your PM...I'll write something today - bless you for writing it though. Thank you.
Mrs. L
The one thing I learnt in my sugar comas was that whatever it was I was trying to do with the chocolate, it wasn’t helping. It was sort of like knocking back the double Jack Daniels on a Friday night after a harrowing week at my old job. Ah. Lightbulb. Whoops. My name is Sarah and I’m a glykoholic, it’s been 22 hours since my last sugar. I need to admit that to myself.
Funny how I can’t even face alcohol now – no matter how ‘f**k it’ I feel. I have a sneaky suspicion that my body knows that yeast is a problem. After I ate food with yeast in it this weekend my face went hot and itchy – it’s the one set of foods I have not been craving and have actually gone ‘yuck’ after a bite.
I sort of hope that Sil is right and that the physical pain and side-effects of bingeing may have put me off. I keep on going ‘groo’ when I go past places or points that last week had me salivating. Long may that last.
My body was annoyed with me for letting myself get so tired. I slept for about 20 hours on Saturday through to Sunday evening. Problem is – I know about HALT, but a very primal part of me still thinks that sugar fixes the AL and T bits. I don’t really think I’ve failed so much – that is the difference between New Binge Mode and Old Binge Mode – it’s hard to feel like I’ve actually failed because I know exactly how much I have achieved and how brilliant this year has been for me physically and mentally – I have been so in control of myself that – d’you know what – this week or so of craziness is understandable and manageable – when I think about the blue funks of self-hatred I used to have at 18 stone - well - this seems like a breeze by comparison!
So I don’t seem to want to beat myself up…but I do have an issue with stopping once I’ve started as once I’ve broken my train of perfection for the day, my chatterbox is rampant. So my definition of success in a future occurrence would be intervening after the first bite and stopping there rather than at the 3000-calories-and-I-want-to-die stage. The reason I never nibbled during foundation was that I knew all along that if I nibbled I would never get back on track. My only lapses have been full scale binges – I am in awe of the people who just have a bite here and a bite there as that’s so something I couldn’t have done on my LL journey. With me it’s by the book or throw the book out of the window! (Except LL’s biggest success is that never in my life have I been so able to turn the bad days around and been so motivated to dig my heels back in).
Sleeping let my brain shut off from it all for a while, which was great. Also did you know that music is also used to prevent binge triggers – apparently there are types of music that either you just can’t binge to or the music itself distracts you from some of the other triggers. I listened to so much music yesterday…and it really helped! I have noticed that since starting LL I haven’t been able to watch films at home from beginning to end – way too distracted – so I watched A Cock and Bull Story with nothing but a cup of tea – and I really enjoyed it (apart from being sad when Tony Wilson came on screen) – so you’re definitely on to something there, Mrs. I was a huge film buff until LL – and I’m not sure how or why it stopped, but stop it did, so I should reintroduce it!
Tame the Tiger
Thank you for using your onscreen keyboard to let me know I’m not alone…I’ve had this demon for 20 years too - so – yes – thinking I’d shut the door on it was a bit too much to expect.
Alun, Geri, Mini, Karen, Minilady - thank you so much for your support - I couldn’t have got back on with it without all of your ‘you can do its’ and reminders of how far I’ve come.
Tiger Girl
Thank you for a very very useful and insightful response – it really clicked with me so much.
I didn’t really have as much of a transition from Foundation to Development as other people did as my group stayed the same, my session times stayed the same and well – it was just like Foundation only without dates and weeks really. We’ve just all kept on keeping on in my group.
Magic Wand Syndrome – how Cinderella really got her happily ever after
One of the returners in my group – in fact all of the returners in my group didn’t handle the idea that their lives would somehow magically be better once they were slim…and like clockwork they’re back within 2-3 years of losing all the weight. I recognise quite how much I have to fix – but with a sense of relief that I no longer have to fix being fat. I have to fix why I was fat and keep on working on the ways in which I make myself fat, but at least I don’t have to cope with the hatred and disappointment of what I used to feel when I looked in the mirror. Let’s put it this way – the fairy godmother waved her wand and made the carriage and dress and slippers, but Cinderella had to charm the prince all by herself – wands are all very useful at getting you to the ball – but where it matters is how you behave when you get there and how you are after the spell has broken.
You and Mini and Karen and several others mention ‘management forever’. You are quite right – and most right about how terrifying that is. I said to myself the other day that I am not a recovering fat person, I am a recovering addict. I need to show discipline over and understanding of that addict for the rest of my life. I think I know now that unless I have something better than chocolate to do immediately after having chocolate, then chocolate is going to seem like the only logical answer after the chocolate comedown! So just as in the old days when I would drink I would not start drinking unless I wanted to get drunk, I shall just have to not start. I don’t think it’s a great loss – freshly grilled squid is just as delicious and more satisfying – actually, the old me is going to kill the new me for saying this, but chicory leaves with low fat cottage cheese and salt and pepper over the top is just as good!
Sez - I'm still working on an answer to your PM...I'll write something today - bless you for writing it though. Thank you.
awww sarah, not been on here for a few days.
Looks like you're feeling better, YOU are so inspirational, finding Minimins and you and other fab people on here is like a life line, you yourself apart from your own strength have used this brilliant forum for support and strength from others.
xxxx
Looks like you're feeling better, YOU are so inspirational, finding Minimins and you and other fab people on here is like a life line, you yourself apart from your own strength have used this brilliant forum for support and strength from others.
xxxx
